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NOVEL~ TIME MACHINE :~Chapter 1: The Memories of my Dad's childhood

by Saraswati


It is a bright sunny day and summer holidays started just two days ago. Its 4 o' clock in the afternoon.

"Peter! Come in the garden for having tea". My mom calls me.

 I pause the video game which I had been playing for so long, and reach in the garden, where my Mom and Dad are already sitting and having tea. I join them. My Dad recollects the memories of his childhood, and shares them with me and my Mom. We all laugh and enjoy the stories. 

" When I was a kid of 10, we used to live in the village of Vashimkapur... There, I would go tip toe with my friends, into the farm of Mr. Hari Kishan, and climb up the big tree which was bending with the load of the juicy mangoes... Then after plucking the mangoes, we would run away. " said my Dad.

" Dad, did you ever get caught by Mr. hari Kishan?"  I asked.

"Yes! I remember the scene when we all would run with the cloth bag full of mangoes and Mr. H K running behind us with a thick branch of the tree." My dad told me.

I quickly fininshed drinking the tea, and I went to resume the video game. While I was playing the game, I wondered how did my dad look when he climbed the tree. My dad as a sweet child of 10!


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Fri Jun 11, 2021 10:36 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a pretty relaxed start to this story considering the title we've got on there. I was really expecting a lot more a sci fi -esque start but this was just a sweet ol' family time situation.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It is a bright sunny day and summer holidays started just two days ago. Its 4 o' clock in the afternoon.

"Peter! Come in the garden for having tea". My mom calls me.


Okay...well that is a bit of a normal start there, not the most exciting thing that you would see in a first paragraph but hmm, well on the bright side this does do a pretty decent job of establishing a bit of the setting here and sort of introducing a family dynamic right at the beginning so that's alright, it is the first chapter after all.

I pause the video game which I had been playing for so long, and reach in the garden, where my Mom and Dad are already sitting and having tea. I join them. My Dad recollects the memories of his childhood, and shares them with me and my Mom. We all laugh and enjoy the stories.


Okay...well that seems like a lovely little family story time sort of setting and I love that, its very relaxing and it just starts this whole story off with a very cozy sort of feeling and that's a nice note in general to start something off. Well, it hasn't quite gotten to the part where it can get my attention but its a decent start here, hopefully we get a bit more of a hook soon.

" When I was a kid of 10, we used to live in the village of Vashimkapur... There, I would go tip toe with my friends, into the farm of Mr. Hari Kishan, and climb up the big tree which was bending with the load of the juicy mangoes... Then after plucking the mangoes, we would run away. " said my Dad.


Well that sounds like a pretty fun little past time there, not gonna lie, well, stealing is bad bt burrowing a few mangoes from the neighbors house is something we all do I'm sure....especially when its bending with a load of mangoes, at that point you're doing them something nice....cause they're tree is no longer bending....xD...well a sweet little story to start on but again I am wondering what exactly this is trying to get to though...especially considering that title, I was expecting a very different sort of beginning...xD

" Dad, did you ever get caught by Mr. hari Kishan?" I asked.

"Yes! I remember the scene when we all would run with the cloth bag full of mangoes and Mr. H K running behind us with a thick branch of the tree." My dad told me.

I quickly fininshed drinking the tea, and I went to resume the video game. While I was playing the game, I wondered how did my dad look when he climbed the tree. My dad as a sweet child of 10!


Hmm, well that would be a hilarious skit in a cartoon that one, and well, I have a feeling that the last paragraph there is perhaps the inciting incident for the eventual creation of this time machine perhaps....that's what it appears to be at the moment at any rate. It is a little meandery at times but I do like this first chapter here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, as a chapter this isn't too bad. It gets the job done. As a first chapter, this appears to lack in that hook here. There's nothing to really focus on in this one here. There's no mystery, nothing that really makes you want to read on. It just feels like a day in someone's life. You might want to add a bit more here to get people to want to know more and read on, or otherwise people may get a little bored and think nothing's going to happen. Anyway, that's all I gotta say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:34 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there Saraswati. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I reviewed your second chapter and upon re-entering the green room I found the first. This should clear up a couple of things for me. The description that you gave was a little confusing and I think you might want to re-word it.

Theme of the novel revolves around a Time Machine created by a small boy, Peter. Its me in the novel. This is just introductory chapter, general genre

It's hard to explain to you why it's confusing without creating more confusion. Let me just show you.
The theme of the novel revolves around a time machine created by a small boy.

It was not necessary to include the sentence about it being an introductory chapter. It's your first chapter so that's already an assumed fact. "It's me in the novel." If you want to keep this, you need to find a way to re-word it. Unless the time machine's title is "Time Machine" the "T" and the "M" do not need to be capital letters.

There were a couple of parts that I'd like point out before I get down to the dialogue.
It is a bright sunny day and summer holidays started just two days ago. Its 4 o' clock in the afternoon.

If the sun is shining you don't necessarily need to say it's the afternoon. It's just repetitive then. It might even be best just to combine the two sentences somehow.

This is another sentence that was worded a bit funky and I thought I should point out. It's a bit of a run-on.
I pause the video game which I had been playing for so long, and reach in the garden, where my Mom and Dad are already sitting and having tea. I join them.

I think it would better if you split the first sentence in two. Then re-word the second half and combine it with the original second sentence. It's a fragment otherwise.

The dialogue is not interesting at all and shows no emotion. It sounds like it was just inserted as a placeholder for any real events. Also many times you used periods at the end where there should have been commas. Please fix this. Just make sure to proofread better next.

Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I could t offer anymore comments/words of advice depending on how you take them.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
This is my 148th review!




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Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:50 pm
Eros wrote a review...



Hi My friend!

I read the chapter. Its really good! I loved it. This is a sweet little chapter that forms a perfect base for the theme. The novels going to be interesting. I like the way you have described the mango tree:

"the big tree which was bending with the load of the juicy mangoes..."

Waiting for the next chapter... And one nit picky thing... cut that last letter in the first word. Rest, good! Write more... :)




Saraswati says...


Hey there Eros! Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked it! I am very happy to see the like! :D and Ya! Thanx for the correction! xD



Eros says...


Oh! No thank you in friendship, Saraswati!




It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James