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Young Writers Society



Mr. Timetraveler - Chapter 2

by Steggy


Claire was my loving mother. Dark haired with chocolate brown eyes. She smiled at everything, and was kind to everyone. A scientist in the making. She worked at the local “science lab”, as my father called it, working twenty four hours. At night, my mother would come home with surprises and stories about her workday. One time, she came home with a frog. Mutated and alive. It would sit in my room, staring at me. At that time, I thought it was creepy. Four legs and eyes. 

Now, from the sad point of view, I see it as an invention. 

I miss it so much.

----------

“I’m afraid he’s gone, madam.” Those words echoed in her mind. Sketched with knives. Panicked, she gripped the counter and cried. The surrounding people stood there, rubbing their hands together and staring at a blinking screen. Small, grey wires were hanging from the ceiling, fizzing and snapping. Bright electric sparks faded. Glass was on the floor from the window. Sweat dripped down their faces.

----------

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” My mother asked from the kitchen, packing lunch. I was in the living room, staring at the dark screen of the TV. The air was stale and unwelcoming. It mingled with the lingering scent of aftershave and sweat. A pink morning sky was outside as the yellow sun was shining through the window. It is going to be a normal day, I kept telling myself. I’m not going to die. My mother walked into the living room, carrying a plate of tiny sandwiches and set them on the table in front of me. She looked frazzled, putting her hands on her hips and smiled.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

“I’m scared, ma.” I whispered, trying not to break down. She chuckled, sitting in the spot next to me. Warm honey and apples. She hugged me, her thin arms wrapping around my neck and pulling me into her chest. I stiffened in her hug, continuously staring at the TV.

“Don’t be scared, son. Whatever you think will happen, I’m sure it won’t.” Those weren’t comforting words. My mother wasn’t one to lie, but I knew she was trying to stay strong. Like she knew what was going to happen. I wish we could’ve stayed like that.

I wish I wasn’t picked.

-----------

“I want my son back!” Claire sobbed, punching at the ground. Everyone was in shock, gripping onto nothing. The hope was to send somebody successfully to the past and come back within a matter of seconds. The scientist credited with this idea was being productive downstairs in his lab, unaware of the events that happened.

“Like I said, miss, I’m afraid he won’t be coming back.” A man wearing a black suit said in a deep tone. "We're sorry." Claire sniffled, shaking. "I want my son back. Please."

----------

“Are you sure this is safe?” Claire had asked, poking around her grandfather’s failed experiments.

“Why, of course, dear.” He would say, often trying to create something new or out of this world. Claire would come to his house after school, driving there in the “faster than time” automobile, when in actuality it was a normal SUV with a ratty bumper sticker. She would be teased about the car and her family. All she wanted was to fit in.

“It doesn’t exactly look safe,” she said, picking up a helmet with a red button on the forehead. “What does this one do?” Her grandpa would often show her the different things he made, starting with a long lecture about the different uses before going off into a long tangent about how it’ll help many lives.

“That’s a failure. My first project,” he said, walking towards Claire. He took the helmet and moved it around in his hands. “It was supposed to do wonders on the human brain. Control. Support. Even after death, this could still keep the brain intact and working. Their whole body would shut down, but their brain was still alive and working.”

“It looks like you just put grandma’s pasta sorter and a free button from a nearby retail store.”

Her grandpa grumbled, throwing the invention into the pile. “Junk. That’s what you would call it.” Claire frowned, shifting her feet as she walked behind her grandpa.

“I hadn’t meant it like that.”

-----------

“What did you do? Why didn’t it work?” Claire angrily asked, standing in the open door of her grandpa’s room. It was the same old room she was in time after time. The same smell of mildew welcomed her with open arms. Her grandpa stopped working.

“You promised me years ago he would be fine. That my first born would be safe, and will return.”

“Claire.”

Anger was bubbling in her stomach, rising like lava. “I trusted you. Naive and-and completely stupid for trusting you! My son is now gone thanks to you!” She advanced slowly, beady eyed.

“Claire.”

“My only son. My only child is gone.”

“Claire, liste-”

“No! I am not going to listen to your feeble lies! All I wanted was to have a happy life. I told him he would be safe, to not be scared. Do you know what I’m feeling?”

Her grandpa sighed deeply, turning to face her.

“No, but I do know what regret feels like. You know I’m old. In my lifetime, I’ve seen and done things. Some of those things I wish to forgot, go back and redo them over. The inventions. My wife told me ‘Arthur, you are getting yourself too deep in this.’ I was stubborn, but you have to understand. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry isn’t going to cut it!” Claire shirked, grabbing the old man by the collar. “I want my baby boy back! I want him right now!” She broke down crying, clinging rather than grabbing. “Please.”

-----------

There was a sound. A scratching sound. It was echoing around my bed like nails on a chalkboard. It faded to white noise. Laughter. Wake up, Alex. Sweat. Tossing and turning. Bright lights. My mother crying.

What is happening? 

Silence.


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73 Reviews


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Sat Feb 13, 2016 12:34 am
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Swordfish wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy~
It is Swordfish back with today's review of the next chapter of your novel! I'm so glad to be reading on, and I must say the novel is so far great!
As I have picked up from reading this, Claire is the main characters mother. That's cool, and I must say that she gives off a very good image of a protecting, loving mother. However, along the same lines as Rydia, I believe her description could be better, and she could have a distinguished, or interesting fact or trait.

Claire was my loving mother. Dark haired with chocolate brown eyes. She smiled at everything, and was kind to everyone. A scientist in the making. She worked at the local “science lab”, as my father called it, working twenty four hours. At night, my mother would come home with surprises and stories about her workday. It was a nice time back then.
I miss it so much.

I love the description of the personality. We all know a character's personality develops throughout, and you did a great job at giving us a description. The part of this paragraph that could be better is-
Dark haired with chocolate brown eyes.

We could get a better description of the appearance. Tall, or short? What did others think of her appearance (etcetera, etcetera)?
I still don't know why Claire would ever consider her son to be part of an experiment like this, and it makes little sense that she suddenly worried.
As stated in the last review, I don't find grammatical mistakes easily, and I have found none personally. I'm going to wrap up the review here, and I apologize that the review is pretty much just reviewing Claire as a character, but that's all I can cover without making no sense at all (I'm new to reviewing chapters). So, yeah, the chapter was great, and I can't wait to read future chapters! Keep on writing!
~Swordfish




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Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:15 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again!

Specifics

1. I think the description of Claire could be better. It's a little bland at the moment but not that kind of fascinating level of ordinariness - just ordinary ordinariness. Does that make sense? I feel like it either needs a more interesting fact about Claire or to be written a bit more descriptively. The sentence lengths are all very much the same and that adds to the kind of bland tone so maybe shake that up a bit.

2.

“I want my son back!” Claire sobbed, punching at the ground. Everyone was in shock, gripping onto nothing. The hope was tosent send somebody successfully to the past and come back within a matter of seconds. The scientist credited with this idea was being productive downstairs in his lab, unaware of the events that happened.


3.
“Like I said, miss, I’m afraid he won’t be coming back.” A man wearing a black suit deeply said. “We’re sorry.” Claire sniffled, shaking. "I want my son back. Please."
This is a little awkward, the 'deeply said' part. Maybe 'said in a deep tone' would work better, though I'm not sure deep conveys the right emotion here. Heavy would be more effective.

4.
“That’s a failure. My first project,” he said, walking towards Claire. He took the helmet and moved it around in his hands. “It was supposed to do wonders on the human brain. Control. Support. Even after death, this could still keep the brain in tack intact and working. Like their whole body would shut down, but their brain was still alive and working.”


Overall

I still liked this chapter but not as much as the last one. It felt a little too obvious or telling in places and the personalities of the characters didn't quite shine through. Claire's emotional state wasn't quite real enough for me but it's hard to put my finger on what bothered me about it. I liked her best as a child talking to her grandpa and maybe that's because her dialogue there is so under-stated but has a brilliant cut to it. Then her adult dialogue is stereotypical and angry and it doesn't seem to match this child with her different way of seeing the world and her brutal honesty.

The way the telling of the story jumps around is still working well but each of the sections could be padded with a bit more description. Something sensory to build the atmosphere. Maybe even some over-lapping descriptions of the house - is this the same room where child Claire first saw some of her grandpa's experiments? Also how much older is grandpa now? He's a great grandpa so he must be pretty old, maybe pretty ill. There's not much of a sense of age or passing of time in this section and there should be because it's a time travel story ad age is super important!

So did they have a contingency plan for if the boy didn't come back? Safety features? I'm not seeing much of the scientist at work here and that's disappointing after being told that Claire is a scientist! It's a fun read but I think you could add some more flesh to the bones.

Keep writing!

~Heather




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Thu Feb 11, 2016 10:39 pm
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Thesky wrote a review...



Hi this is Thesky for short you can call me Sky,

I really liked how you added some parts to it and how you added some parts like we're it was that time and then in the past/present it made it way more interesting.“It looks like you just put grandma’s pasta sorter and a free button from a nearby retail store.” That part I did not really get so if you could write more or just explain it. But overall this is really good I liked how you added all the details. I read your first one and it was really good and interesting if this was a book I would totally read it. And this is my first writing so sorry if it's bad.

-Thesky (Sky)




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Thu Feb 11, 2016 10:29 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



I was going to review this tomorrow, but then I realised I had loads of stuff I should technically be doing right now that I don't want to do, so this is now my procrastination. :P

My mother wasn’t the one to lie, but I knew she was trying to stay strong.


The hope was to sent somebody successfully to the past and come back within a matter of seconds.

I think you mean send, not sent here!

"...Like their whole body would shut down, but their brain was still alive and working."

The like here doesn't seem necessary, I'd cut it out.

Overall

I barely had any nit-picks this time, so yay! This chapter's either a lot tighter than the last, or I'm just getting progressively dumber. Probably the latter. This gave a massive amount of the background story behind the first chapter, and I'm super grateful for that because it pieces everything together nicely, but still maintains some mystery. I'm wondering if Claire's son will ever return, what kind of stuff he'll get up to while in the past e.t.c. I'm wondering how old he is, too, because in the first chapter I'd assumed he was relatively old, maybe 13 at least? Mainly because he mentioned his mobile phone, and it angers me when I see anyone under that age with one :P But then we don't technically know if this is actually the same person... All very dramatic. You still had a relatively choppy style here, but it was a lot less intense than in the previous chapter, and it worked wonderfully.

Honestly, I don't really have many critiques for you here. This is more of a suggestion really, but I kind of think you should cut the last segment/paragraph out of this. Where Claire's son enters the room where they try to make him time travel and all that. We already know it's a time machine, even someone as dumb as me can figure that out, so explicitly noting it at the very end is kind of redundant. I think you did it for the end of chapter drama, but eh, there's enough drama. I also found it kind of weird that Claire would refer to her grandfather as my grandpa to her son. Wouldn't he have a name for him? Like, great grandpa, or uncle Dave (I realise his name isn't Dave, just pretend for example's sake), or something? It's just something that caught my attention, anywho.

The only real critique I have for you is why on earth would Claire have ever agreed to let this machine be tested on her son? There was a whole segment showing how unsuccessful this dude's inventions are, yet Claire was willing to let her son be a guinea pig for one? I get that maybe with it being her grandfather, she trusts him, but that much trust is unimaginable. As well as that, why would his great-grandfather want to test it on him? His great-grandson? Why didn't they test it on a rat or something? I guess a rat couldn't come back and be like, dude, you'll never guess what the past was like... but just test it on someone who isn't a child, at least? All of this may be explained in the future--I remember Claire's son saying something about being picked, which suggests something more complex and sinister may be involved. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about how it was his great-grandfather's invention, so he surely can't have been [i]literally[/] forced. Plus he clearly didn't want to do it, and making him do it regardless is pretty mean.

That critique is a funny one because there is a likely possibility that it'll all be explained, but it did bug me quite a lot. If it isn't explained in a way that makes total sense, you may want to think of doing so! It's just that as it stands, forcing a young child to partake in a never before attempted experiment of an invention created by his known-to-fail great-grandfather seems super strange. It's just something to bear in mind, I guess, if it isn't explained well in future chapters.

That's all I have, I think. Sorry for my uselessness (is that a word? I feel like no. In case you've yet to notice, I make up a lot of words and then question them straight after). I hope I've been of some help in some shape or form, and if I've made no sense at any point with either of my reviews, please do bug me about explaining what the heck I was on about. Although just to warn you, chances are that I don't even know. Nah, in all seriousness, don't be afraid to hit me up with any comments or queries regarding these reviews. You have a very interesting story going on here, and I will definitely keep an eye out for when you post more.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




Steggy says...


Thank you! Oh pssh, this review has helped me and made me laugh along the way. The whole part with Claire agreeing to the time traveling thing might come in later chapters. ;)



Sins says...


Yay, I was helpful! Oooo I see, I look forward to it.




Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain