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charlie: chapter 1 the move

by rollingstones


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

January 22,2012

A warning just went out for us to take cover; a tornado is to touch down soon. Mama huddled all six of us in our tiny cellar, we were huddled there for about five minutes until the howling winds and the crashing of building stopped. I remember our house being moved across the street, and the only thing left was our kitchen.

We had no where to live and at this point we had very little money to buy a brand new house.we lived on the poorer side of Oklahoma city, where crimes happened every other night. We moved in with my aunt Betty until we can find a place of our own. About a month passed since the disaster,  and daddy said we finally have enough money to move to  New York City. I always dreamed of living there, and the only thing we had to do was gather our family and move.

We took an twelve hour drive to our new home and it wasn't the home I imagined. there was people running and the sound of guns going off. Our little three bed room apartment had dead rats and roaches every corner you turned. I told mama and papa i was going to take a walk because I wanted to soak in our new home, but really i was trying to escape throwing up from this disgusting home. As I walked down the street I felt like the center of attention, all eyes were on me as I proceed to the corner store. At this moment I knew my life was about to change.


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1750 Reviews


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Sun Jun 13, 2021 10:43 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

A warning just went out for us to take cover; a tornado is to touch down soon. Mama huddled all six of us in our tiny cellar, we were huddled there for about five minutes until the howling winds and the crashing of building stopped. I remember our house being moved across the street, and the only thing left was our kitchen.


Okayyyy...looks like we're set to start off with a bit of a quick flashback of sorts here. Certainly is an interesting point to get things started here. Or at the least if it isn't a flashback, it looks like a memory of what was probably quite a horrible day by the way that it looks like these folks have actually lost their house here.

We had no where to live and at this point we had very little money to buy a brand new house.we lived on the poorer side of Oklahoma city, where crimes happened every other night. We moved in with my aunt Betty until we can find a place of our own. About a month passed since the disaster, and daddy said we finally have enough money to move to New York City. I always dreamed of living there, and the only thing we had to do was gather our family and move.


Hmm...alright, well, not much emotion is being depicted here, the way that you narrate a situation as horrible as losing an entire house and the things in it, is a little bit matter of factly. And then of course we move to the description about not being able to immediately move somewhere else and living with a relative for a while before being able to move. Again, this is going quite flatly here. At this point I'm assuming maybe it happened a while ago and this is just some recalling that for some reason cause there just appears to be a serious lack of reaction to the situation here from what I see.

We took an twelve hour drive to our new home and it wasn't the home I imagined. there was people running and the sound of guns going off. Our little three bed room apartment had dead rats and roaches every corner you turned. I told mama and papa i was going to take a walk because I wanted to soak in our new home, but really i was trying to escape throwing up from this disgusting home. As I walked down the street I felt like the center of attention, all eyes were on me as I proceed to the corner store. At this moment I knew my life was about to change.


Hmm, well then this appears to be a bit more in the future now, hmm, and well, that new house doesn't seem to be particularly great either there, but I suppose it is still better than having no house. Well at any rate, it is a pretty interesting and quite devastating backstory to have, that is almost glossed over but hmm...putting that aside, this certainly is a pretty intriguing ending we have here. That last line especially is quite interesting. I think I would read on after this point, but again, I would think putting a little more emotion into recalling an experience like that is prolly a good idea.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:12 pm
dankmemelord wrote a review...



Hello, its me!

Plot: The idea you have come up with is amazing I loved the whole thing!

Characters: Since, it is only the beginning I can't really judge you characters yet but from this I know that you will have great characters.

Grammar: The only grammar mistake I saw was "we lived on the poorer side of Oklahoma city," we should be capitalized. Other that that your grammar was perfect.

Other: Though it is only a suggestion, instead of making this a full on chapter it could be the prologue.

Overall, I loved this I can't wait to read the next chapter especially when it has such an amazing start to it. This was beautifully written. Please continue to write as amazing as you have this chapter.

Bye, have a nice day!

-EmilyStarks




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Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:51 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello!
My sister would really love the idea of this - these types of books are her favorite! Anyway, time for the review!

Mama huddled all six of us in our tiny cellar, we were huddled there for about five minutes until the howling winds and the crashing of building stopped.


This is a comma splice (two independent clauses are joined by a comma). Instead of just separating it with a comma, you should just write it as two separate sentences, or with a semi colon ( ; ).

there was people running and the sound of guns going off.

First, "was" should be "were". Second, I why would guns be going off? Wouldn't the parents pull over and find cover if the gunmen were that close? Plus - I never really had heard of a town where as soon as you entered it, you heard a bunch of guns. Just a thought, and a suggestion to keep your setting and story believable.

Other Suggestions:
Okay, so this happens super fast . First, you survive a tornado, then you don't have anywhere to live, THEN you move in with your aunt, and FINALLY you move into a new home. Last, you mention that you knew your life was about to change. This is a lot for only two paragraphs... I would try and expand on it more - what happened during the tornado (besides what you already mentioned)? How was life at Aunt Betty's? Were there any kids that lived next to you in your new home? What about your family? What are they like?

I feel like this does have the potential to be an interesting novel - but it is just not explained clearly in this chapter. For right now, I encourage you to expand on everything. Not until it bores your reader, no, but just so we have a clear grasp of what's going on. If we had to take an assessment on your "life", and you were a history book, how would it go? Some figurative language could spice it up as well.

If you need any help, or have questions with anything I said, please feel free to tell me! Keep writing!

~Snazz Pizzazz
(Welcome to YWS! :) )






thank you so much, but I don't want it to realistic, its fiction, but I will take your suggestions is there anything else you want to give, i could use it? and thanks for the warm welcoming. :)




Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green