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16+ Mature Content

Fawn (prologue)

by Beachbum


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

N/A: first post! A review of this would really be helpful! 

I move through the forest, swiftly and quietly; Passing through the blue colored trees, kicking through stacks of fuchsia colored feathers left by teaka birds and feeling the cool breeze sinking into my skin. I pause for a quick glance around the misty forest, making sure no creature was about to attack me. I continue on with my run hoping to get to my destination as fast as possible. I turn a left, a right, and another left before slowing down to a jog and coming to a complete stop as I see the eerily inviting yet mesmerizing glow of a pond. My current favorite spot in this wild, menacing place we call The Glowed. I work my way through the damp ground, finally finding a spot under the leaves of a short tree-like plant we named floag. Its big, soft, somewhat feathery leaves will hide me from any creature lurking in the forest. Creatures of unusual kind; some deceivingly beautiful while others conspicuously repulsive. Beautiful or not they have the sole purpose and mission to kill and in the most creative ways. I sigh as I let all my uneasiness and distress flutter along with the breeze. The sweet smell of bojin berries surrounding me puts me to ease as I stare at the glowing pond in front of me. My left hand slips to the ground, feeling the moss covered pebbles while my right holds on to my trooper gun. The pond rests in the most dangerous part of the forest which makes me wonder what creatures dwell under its depths. Froag bushes surround the pond giving it a dreamlike yet unearthly look and every once in a while bright purple insects would come in groups to take a sip of the water. Ive been drawn to the pond after coming across this part of The Glowed in one of our missions and ever since then, during my free time, I would secretly go to see it. I gaze at it one more time as I slip into a distant memory. A memory that i held so close to my consciousness. A memory that turned me into a warrior. A memory that led me to The Glowed.


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Sun Jun 13, 2021 11:17 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I move through the forest, swiftly and quietly; Passing through the blue colored trees, kicking through stacks of fuchsia colored feathers left by teaka birds and feeling the cool breeze sinking into my skin. I pause for a quick glance around the misty forest, making sure no creature was about to attack me. I continue on with my run hoping to get to my destination as fast as possible. I turn a left, a right, and another left before slowing down to a jog and coming to a complete stop as I see the eerily inviting yet mesmerizing glow of a pond. My current favorite spot in this wild, menacing place we call The Glowed. I work my way through the damp ground, finally finding a spot under the leaves of a short tree-like plant we named floag. Its big, soft, somewhat feathery leaves will hide me from any creature lurking in the forest. Creatures of unusual kind; some deceivingly beautiful while others conspicuously repulsive. Beautiful or not they have the sole purpose and mission to kill and in the most creative ways. I sigh as I let all my uneasiness and distress flutter along with the breeze. The sweet smell of bojin berries surrounding me puts me to ease as I stare at the glowing pond in front of me. My left hand slips to the ground, feeling the moss covered pebbles while my right holds on to my trooper gun. The pond rests in the most dangerous part of the forest which makes me wonder what creatures dwell under its depths. Froag bushes surround the pond giving it a dreamlike yet unearthly look and every once in a while bright purple insects would come in groups to take a sip of the water. Ive been drawn to the pond after coming across this part of The Glowed in one of our missions and ever since then, during my free time, I would secretly go to see it. I gaze at it one more time as I slip into a distant memory. A memory that i held so close to my consciousness. A memory that turned me into a warrior. A memory that led me to The Glowed.


Well, this is a very intriguing prologue here, its a bit of a mass of text and that might be a tiny bit of a problem there, but if I put that aside for a moment to address just the contents of this here, it is looking like it could be a pretty cool story here. Certainly seems to have a decent bit of worldbuilding behind, and rather interesting worldbuilding at that.

The description of this setting is also on point here. It certainly does a great job of introducing what the surroundings are like, what kind of creatures may be around, and what it might sound and feel like. Its a properly done description that really does let you immerse yourself in this situation quite nicely.

And well, now if we take that aside however, besides the pretty intriguing content within this here prologue, it does lack a bit in that formatting and just general structure here. The overall flow of the piece is also taking a bit of a hit because of this. Soo...I think you might wanna just split this thing up into a few paragraphs here and there, cause that would certainly really help bring out the proper potential of this piece here. It certainly seems like it could be really brought to quite an awesome level if you did that simple thing of breaking it into a few paragraphs and smoothing the flow just a tiny bit.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Feb 03, 2016 1:25 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! You requested a review from me... about a week ago I think.

Prologues are fun, and I'm curious to see what you're going to do with this! The only problem with most prologues is they're terribly confusing. I think they get confusing because people forget to explain what's happening in prologues, and they think prologues are supposed to be a glimpse into the possibilities of the story. However, I look at prologues this way: they're to set the reader up. They're a stepping stone to understanding the story a bit better, they're still a glimpse into the possibilities, but they're an insightful glimpse. I'm saying this because I don't really understand what's happening in this prologue- but I want to understand it.

I think a lot of the reason why I don't understand it is because there's a lot going on- which is pretty easy to fix I think. There's a lot of description and not a lot of story, so for example:

I see the eerily inviting yet mesmerizing glow


Pick less adjectives. I know it's hard, believe me. I used to love using adjectives- still do sometimes, but they can really bog down your writing. It doesn't mean you shouldn't use them, I just mean less really is more in this case. And I'm not trying to be mean by the way!- I'm just trying to help c: I still remember three years ago when I got a review and someone told me to choose less adjectives- I was HEART BROKEN.

But anyway, I hope this was somewhat helpful and I'm sorry I don't have more to critique! I am interested what this person is doing in the forest. Obviously there's lots of reasons why you'd want to be in the forest but I want to know THIS person's reason. If that makes sense. I guess I'd just like to have more information, and I think writers think they have to be secretive in prologues, but I don't think that's the case! Tell us what's happening, if we're confused we might just get frustrated.

Keep up the good work! I expect to see more from you!!! OR ELSE.

-Holy




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Fri Jan 29, 2016 8:22 pm
FallWolf wrote a review...



Hola Beachbum =) FallWolf here for a short review

Okay, I'm going to open with a critique, because this is something I really don't like; no paragraphs. Even if this could all flow together in one lovely paragraph, just leaving it as one big block is not visually appealing or very good for the readers attention. Readers will find their eyes skipping over the page because of the large, slippery block of text.
So, yeah =P A good way to see how long you should make your paragraphs (and yes, this is something you actually have to work on to make perfect!) is to look at your favorite books. You may have to make your paragraphs even a little shorter on YWS because of the format it puts the stories in (no matter how neat and organized Calibri looks, I still wish I could format my stories in a font that is easier to read and more pleasing to the eye =P)

[q]"...as I see the eerily inviting yet mesmerizing glow of a pond..."[/q]
I do not believe this requires a "yet", since 'inviting' and 'mesmerizing' are not opposed to each-other. I consulted with my mom, and we both think that a simpler version like
"...as I see the eerily mesmerizing glow of the pond..."
rings nicely. However, If you still want the "yet" in there, I would suggest something like:
"...as I see the eerily enchanting yet disturbing glow of the pond..."

[q]"...a short tree-like plant we named floag..."[/q]
Good name, easy to pronounce and remember =) However, I don't think you have to tell about how the people named it floag. Maybe just saying something along the lines of
"a short, leafy floag tree" would work, but this is completely up to you =)

[q]...giving it a dreamlike yet unearthly look...[/q]
Once again, yet does not work here because 'dreamlike' and 'unearthly' are actually synonyms. Easy fix though, just do around the same as I recommended for the last "yet" sentence =P

I found a couple grammar mistakes, but nothing a good out loud readover can't fix =)

On the subject of prologues, I think this is a pretty good example of a well-made one! The end gives warning that you are about to go back in time, in a memory if you wish, and the explanation of how all the creatures are 'out to get you' makes readers suitably curious. If you would like more really awesome advice on prologues, please refer to these articles:
http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors. ... -prologue/
http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors. ... -prologue/

Oookay, so that's about it for my critique =) Just one more thing: the title.
The title for this work is a bit... well, it looks misplaced. I know that a fawn is a young deer, but it can also be a name or a mythological creature. In the prologue you make no mention of what kind of fawn the title suggests, which is a bit off-putting. I'm sure it's there for a good reason though =) Oh, if it is a name, I will warn you that names do not always make the best titles. Readers will pick up your book because of its title, so make sure it is engaging, curiosity-piquing, and makes sense.

So yeah, I went a lot hard on you =P. It does seem like a very good idea, and I'm sure it will grow into a marvelous story with a bit of work and creativity =) Unfortunately, I will not be able to review later chapters because of the 16+ rating for mature content. Though I am technically almost 16, mature content in books just creeps me out so that I don't want to read anymore. Additionally, my parents don't like me reading mature content books, and I respect their wishes.

This is FallWolf sighin' out!
-FallWolf




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Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:19 pm
Beachbum says...



Comments would really help! Thanks! :)




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Wed Jan 27, 2016 12:16 pm
writerkitty wrote a review...



Hi there, it's writer12345 here to review your story as requested.

This is a pretty amazing prolong and you're descriptions are really good.:D
Your prolong managed to capture the reader and take him/her right into your story making it all seem real. Oh, and I see that the protagonist in this story is about to take the reader to her/his past. I'm really eager to see where this is heading. :D


Anyway, I did find a few slight mistakes. And I'll show them out one by one.


* "I turn a left, a right, and another left before slowing down to a jog and coming to a complete stop as I see the eerily inviting yet mesmerizing glow of a pond."

I think the 'a' you used before left is not quite necessary. You could simply write it as,
"I turn left, right and again left before slowing down to a jog and...."
Or if that change the meaning of the sentence. You can use "I run" instead of 'I turn."


* I work my way through the damp ground, finally finding a spot under the leaves of a short tree-like plant we named floag.

I think it should be 'I walk my way through...' not 'work'. (maybe it's just my bad).

* A memory that i held so close to my consciousness.
The 'I' here should be a capital.


Okay, those were the small mistakes I found out. But it's best if you re-read it to make sure.

Now for the suggestions.
*Your plot seems pretty good already; but I think if you add a bit more insight to this piece it would brighten up more. Try to express the narrator's feelings using her thoughts. :)
(just a thought)



Well, that's about it for now. this was an interesting piece of work.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.
Never stop writing and have a good day!!! :D
writer12345



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Beachbum says...


Thanks for the review! Ill definitely into your corrections :)




cron
"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns