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Young Writers Society


12+

Secrets Prologue

by Remy020


I ran and I didn't stop.The smell of smoke filled the air. The building shook as deafening explosions filled my ears,making them ring. I tripped and fell awkwardly on something, making my right leg flair up in pain. I got up, and limped towards towards the exit,coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face. As soon as I made it out of the apartment and into the street I collapsed, the last thing I saw was the glow of the burning building.

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Mon Jun 14, 2021 11:50 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I ran and I didn't stop.The smell of smoke filled the air. The building shook as deafening explosions filled my ears,making them ring. I tripped and fell awkwardly on something, making my right leg flair up in pain. I got up, and limped towards towards the exit,coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face. As soon as I made it out of the apartment and into the street I collapsed, the last thing I saw was the glow of the burning building.


Hmm, well this one is very much on the short side as far as prologues are concerned but I do think this one does pack quite a bit of a punch so here I am talking about it...xD...well anyway, right off the bat, I like the way this whole paragraph appears to be in a sort of constant motion here. It just really does wonders to reflect someone that is constantly on the move as all these various things are just happening around them and that really gives this piece a wonderful flow to it that I really loved.

Now anyway getting to what this appears to be saying, it looks like perhaps a building is collapsing due to some sort of natural disaster or perhaps some kind of attack. Explosions in a collapsing building can mean a lot of things after all, and well, it certainly is a very interesting thing to pack into a prologue here, I was certainly interested to see what might have caused this, and well coupled with the title of this piece, I'm certainly quite intrigued.

Soo...in summary I'd say, this was a pretty intriguing prologue, it certainly makes me want to read on to see what this is all about and maybe learn about who this person was. Despite this being as short as it is, I feel like this really does do a pretty decent job as a prologue. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Jan 22, 2016 3:44 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I was intrigued by your first chapter so I figured I'd pop over to read the prologue before reviewing. So, here I am!

This is awful short. Just an observation, nothing wrong with that. I can see this as one of those one-pagers you sometimes see in books. You know, before the story starts there's just a page of story that's not really marked as the prologue or anything, but you know it is. That sort of thing. It's like a short introduction to either pull us in or give us more information.

Looking at the writing side of things, there are an awful lot of commas used here. As I'm not that good at understanding why grammar is the way it is, I might not have very many explanations for you. But I will point out the places that commas aren't needed.

I got up, and limped towards towards the exit, coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face.

The first comma in this sentence isn't needed. In comparison, you didn't use a comma in the sentence before this where it says "I tripped and fell awkwardly". Both of those sentences begin with something that happens together (getting up and limping, tripping and falling awkwardly). They aren't independent clauses or anything so there's no need for punctuation.

Also the word 'towards' is repeated in the sentence I quoted, which is why I slashed it.

This prologue is rather fast paced, and rightfully so. Your main character is running away from something while these explosions are going off. Some of these sentences just don't sound like someone's running away from something they could die from. The first two sentences are brilliant, but the rest doesn't quite fit the feeling. I really have no other way to explain it except for showing you:
The building shook as deafening explosions filled my ears,making them ring. I tripped and fell awkwardly on something, making my right leg flair up in pain. I got up, and limped towards towards the exit,coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face. As soon as I made it out of the apartment and into the street I collapsed, the last thing I saw was the glow of the burning building.

These sentences could be written like this instead:
"The building shook from the deafening explosions. The noise set my ears ringing. My right leg flared in pain as I suddenly tripped over something. There was no time to look back so I got up and limped toward the exit. I coughed to try and dispel the smoke from my lungs. Dust clung to my face, threatening to blind me before I can escape.

Only when I made it out onto the street did I let myself collapse. The last thing I saw before being swallowed by the darkness was the glow of a burning building."

Do you see how the second one is more fast paced? Shorter sentences, choppier images. It really shows the main character racing to get out of harms way. All of the images are still there, just more "in your face" then before. That's always a good thing to play around with while writing action scenes. If it flows too well or focuses too much on surroundings, for example, the action looses its effect. (Of course you don't have to use what I wrote, I was just giving you an example of how it could be rewritten to force a faster pace. And I really couldn't think of any other way to explain it to you >.>)

I'll be moving on to the first chapter now ^_^

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Jan 15, 2016 2:07 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Remy020 my name is jessiebear and I am here to do a short review on your prologue. I do hope what I say is help full to you. If it isn't help full pleas tell me. If it is rood pleas tell me if I was rood.

Okay lets start the review. There are only a few things that need to be fixt. The first one is this one

(The smell of smoke filled the air.)

I think you can ad a little bit more into that sent ins. Here I will ad a little bit in to it for you

( The smell of suffer catting smoke filled the air.)

and ad site and sound. Okay next thing is.

( I got up, and limped towards towards the exit, coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face. )

The first thing I notes in this sent ins is that you have said towards twice and ad a little bit more into this to

( coughing from the smoke and wiping dust from my face.)

Ad some description.

Any way that is all I can see that is wrong so that is grate if it is your first story you have ever written.. I do hope you will carry on righting fantastic. and I do hope you will let me no when you have posted chapter 2 so I can review it for you. I do hope you have a grate day are night. And if you wont I can PM my prologue to you so you can have a look at it. Oh and I am glad I could help you with your righting and I do hope you will do the same for me.

From jessiebear.




Remy020 says...


Thanks!





Your welcome.




There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec