z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Ever-changing

by Steggy


my wheels are wood. my feet are glue 
i use them slow and stick to you-
if you got away i'd run away,  
but i can't run away, not just for you 
not in a world of blue, just changing hues.

they asked me why the sky's so pale
you can see it's blue, if it rains all day-
i drink its sadness from a pail
if i could i'd cry and wail.

the horseman's stall is clean and stocked
this saddle makes the horse feel stalked
he'd go hungry if he ran away-
the chickens scratch their bloody smocks
made a pact to never talk, just peck and walk.

my masterpiece in a chalk driveway
made the barn, the lake and the chevrolet
the train pulled in and moved the tracks-
paths come out from the steps and fray
you gotta walk all day, every day right away. 


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54 Reviews


Points: 167
Reviews: 54

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Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:41 am
woahhitherepal wrote a review...



Hello I'm here to review your poem a little bit(:
Okay so I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors at all.
The only thing I didn't understand was the rhyme scheme. To me it just seems a little all over the place.
I truly did enjoy this poem though. it is very well written and it could actually have so many meanings. I'm really looking forward to reading more of your work.
have a wonderful day (:
>Adrian




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1081 Reviews


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Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:24 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Steggy. I thought I may as well delve in for a review on this Thursday evening. I did a review this morning and since there are a couple of poems in the Green Room I thought I'd give my favorite dinosaur resident of YWS a review! ;) That being said let's delve right in.

I have to say that this is quite unique compared to the other poetry that I've read of yours or the other poetry that you've posted or written in the past couple months. I can see that your style's developed a little and that you're perhaps experimenting around with this one which I always love to see. I also see that there's a bit of a rhyme scheme in the poem. The first stanza seems to be AABAA which I must say is quite unique. Following up the first stanza, the second, third and fourth are CCDD, EEFGG and HIJKK.

What I'm confused by is the rhyme scheme being so unpredictable. All I can tell is that the last two lines in each stanza have rhymed and in the first, second and third stanzas begin with a rhyme as well. There's also the blue and hue rhyme used in the last line of the first stanza that I noticed and to be honest I'm a little off-put by all the different playing around with that element of the piece.

While rhyme can be fun I do wish that there's more of a straightforward pattern here or a structure because that can add a lot even if you don't think so. There's even three rhymes in the last line which again is a little too much--the rhyme may be a little overdone but I suppose that others may enjoy that part more depending on their view of rhyme. As for the content that fills up the poem and for an aspect that I enjoy more than the rhyme--the voice and the speaker.

The perspective of this is quite unique and arguably the strongest part of the poem but I wish more poetic devices and elements were implemented such as imagery or figurative language or other fun aspects like that. The themes and meaning of the piece can be done with a bit more clarity because that's a little confusing at the moment but other than that there's not all that much done wrong with this piece, I just feel like this is missing that special something that it needs.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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27 Reviews


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Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:26 am
RainaDee wrote a review...



I think this is really interesting poem. However, the concept is little confusing. I just mean that you seem to switch ideas in between your stanzas (I do that too, though), but I think I'll leave that alone and just mention a couple of flow errors I found and let you fix what you feel needs to be.
1) You go from colors and hues all of a sudden to a farm so I'm just wondering if it is a drawing that you're talking about. Any who, you maybe could try adding a transtion sentence to help your reader flow along with your idea.
That's all I got because your poem doesn't need much fixing! I enjoyed reading it and hope to see more of your work! :)





Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman