Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Realistic

E - Everyone

Lovely Story 1

by Chiyuki


The boy who sits right next to me in class was the one who I fell I love with. He was a normal boy, of average size, grades, and everything about him was average. I don't know why, but the first time I laid eyes on him, I felt a compelling pull towards him. To more precise, I fell I  love at first sight.

The boy and I have never really talked to each other, we have exchanged words of greetings though. But that doesn't count as taking to each other. I know I'm being selfish saying that it was love at first sight, that's not all true. I actually fell I love with him back when I was in the fifth grade. He saved my life from being beaten up. He was my hero.

I love him, but I have no will of letting him know that I do. I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll probably reject my feelings, that's what I'm most afraid of. Rejection. But, if I don't tell him how I feel, then someone else may sneak up to him and sweep him off his feet. No! I don't want that to happen! But, maybe it would be better than telling him my own and getting rejected.

I'm Tamahora Chihiro, third year middle school. In love with Len Kastune. And totally weak with love.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1743 Reviews


Points: 192120
Reviews: 1743

Donate
Tue Jun 15, 2021 10:47 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The boy who sits right next to me in class was the one who I fell I love with. He was a normal boy, of average size, grades, and everything about him was average. I don't know why, but the first time I laid eyes on him, I felt a compelling pull towards him. To more precise, I fell I love at first sight.


Aww...well...love at first sight is definitely one of those very sappy and sweet cliches that I find myself unable to deny that I like...so, well this story is already off to a great start if its going to be one of those. And hmm, well I don't quite know why you'd try and reinforce quite that many times that this boy is indeed an average person, but well, its not exactly an issue but uhh...It just feels a little off to more, perhaps its using the word average one too many times, its hard to pinpoint the reason exactly. :D

The boy and I have never really talked to each other, we have exchanged words of greetings though. But that doesn't count as taking to each other. I know I'm being selfish saying that it was love at first sight, that's not all true. I actually fell I love with him back when I was in the fifth grade. He saved my life from being beaten up. He was my hero.


Hmm, alright well, this looks like a bit of an interesting nod to the backstory there at the very end, and of course the fact that you don't quite speak but just uhh exchange greeting ever so often, that is certainly one of the more realistic things that are happening here. At any rate, this is going along quite nicely so far.

I love him, but I have no will of letting him know that I do. I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll probably reject my feelings, that's what I'm most afraid of. Rejection. But, if I don't tell him how I feel, then someone else may sneak up to him and sweep him off his feet. No! I don't want that to happen! But, maybe it would be better than telling him my own and getting rejected.

I'm Tamahora Chihiro, third year middle school. In love with Len Kastune. And totally weak with love.


Well, this is certainly ending a note that's certainly a bit of a problem that a lot of people can relate to there. She seems to be having herself a very serious conundrum to have to try and solve..and well, its certainly a pretty exciting spot to end this here first part. And speaking of that...I have a feeling you may have intended for the title to be "Love Story 1" and not "Lovely Story 1" because I feel like that would be more fitting here, but yeah that's just a thing I noticed, feel free to ignore that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 131
Reviews: 14

Donate
Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:09 pm
HopeSummers101 wrote a review...



I like it! I think you could have added a bit more information about when she was about to be beaten up though. This sounds truly like a love story.Is that what it is? I hope so. The only mistakes are where you said I instead of in and Taking instead of talking. I really like the idea, though. You are very creative. I love how you include the rejection part. Every girl has that feeling when they fall in love. To make it better, you could make it more descriptive, but that's a minor issue. All in all, I love it sooo much. Keep writing!




User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 2621
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:23 pm
TheUnknownWriter wrote a review...



This sort of reminds me of the anime Blue Spring Ride- like mysteriouswriter said. I could totally picture this as a narration of the first episode of a shoujo anime! Especially with the last line where the MC is introduced. It's mostly cliche, but I'd admit that I enjoy reading cliche love stories from time to time ;) This is quite a short chapter so I was wondering if this was a prologue (which it sound like it to me) or a first chapter.

Nitpicks:

To more precise, I fell I love at first sight.

I think you meant: "I fell in love at first sight."

But that doesn't count as taking to each other.

talking*

Overall, this was a pretty good story start! I'm interested as to how he saved the MC's life so you might see me reviewing your next chapter!




Chiyuki says...


Thanks!



User avatar
71 Reviews


Points: 5933
Reviews: 71

Donate
Sun Nov 29, 2015 8:33 am
crobbins wrote a review...



I am completely and wholeheartedly in love with.... this piece! (I can literally relate SO MUCH!)

Your ability to capture what you did in this amount of words....... JUST WOW! TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! (Just kidding.) But seriously, when I try to do this, it comes out a train wreck, I'm so jealous of your skills!!!!! Contrary to what some people think, I think that the length is almost perfect for what you wanted to say.

I think the reason I love this is because everyone has been through this to some degree. We all have looked at someone and liked them, or even loved them, but never said much. I don't know if it is because I'm shy, but I really relate to this in detail.

You cover rejection in this too. Rejection is the second most popular fear in the USA, fun fact! Second to public speaking. I really like how you included:

"I'm afraid that if I tell him, he'll probably reject my feelings, that's what I'm most afraid of. Rejection. But, if I don't tell him how I feel, then someone else may sneak up to him and sweep him off his feet. No! I don't want that to happen! But, maybe it would be better than telling him my own and getting rejected."

And I know I just quoted basically the whole paragraph, but it is so good!
We all hope that nobody dates this person, but we are too shy to tell them we like them. In my opinion, this is the strongest bit of the whole piece. It shows that although we feel so strongly towards that one person, our fear overcomes the feelings toward the person. Fear is a strong emotion.

Also, good job with the formatting! Having correct grammar and having paragraphs that are concise are very important skills that you acquire. Grammar makes the story flow, and paragraphs allow the reader to read the story and focus on the content over the visual.

I have to include one piece of constructive criticism, though:

You should describe the other person more! Say if he plays sports, or his looks! What you like about him! (For example, I like my person's smile.)

I think that this would have allowed the readers to identify more with YOU, not just the situation you are in. In my opinion, it would have added a lot to the story.

I also found one grammatical error:

"To more precise, I fell I love at first sight."
This could be corrected to:
"To more precise, I fell in love at first sight."

Have I said that I love this piece yet? I DO! One of my favorites! Keep up the work, I'll check in to see what you have written from time to time, you are talented!!!!!
<3




Chiyuki says...


Okay! Thanks!



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 603
Reviews: 12

Donate
Sat Nov 28, 2015 4:02 pm
wridingislife wrote a review...



Hi there! Freya here for a review.
I'm going to start with the overall idea. I don't believe in "love at first sight" and I know that's just me. If you could take us into the past and show what Len did, then the reader would have an emotional connection to him. This would also make your story longer, if that's something you're going for.

This is totally optional but I feel like Len should have a defining feature. The way that Tamahora describes him as "average" doesn't sound like a girl deeply in love. He may be average to everyone else but she sees below the simple.

"He saved my life from being beaten up"
I don't like this sentence. Your reader would feel a bit more curious and suspenseful if you said "He saved my life."

I'm very interested to see where this goes. Keep up the good work! :)




Chiyuki says...


Thank you for the advise! And I also don't believe in love at first sight. I just threw in what I whatever I could think of.



User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 946
Reviews: 13

Donate
Sat Nov 28, 2015 1:51 pm
mysteriouswriter08 wrote a review...



Short and sweet. Umm.. it reminds me of a certain anime( it was Ao Haru Ride, I think) but it captures the time when love at first sight was not cliche. An advice for Tama? Don't be stupid, girl! Don't fear rejection or pain 'cause it's where you'll learn! There's always a chance that Len-kun likes you too (or concerned about you, but whatever!) because why would he save you if he's not, right? Or maybe he's just too shy to confess? *winks*

Chiyuki-nee! I like this story! Keep it going! *grins*




Chiyuki says...


Thanks! I wasn't thinking though when I wrote this. But thank you!




Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato