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The Roadtrip

by JoytheBrave


I'm just a little girl sitting in the backseat

asking,

"How far away is home?"


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Wed Dec 01, 2021 6:52 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi JoytheBrave,

Mailice with a probably very short review here! :D

It's a miracle I found your short story. Let's start by saying that I don't know where the story will go. It seems like it could go in two paths here, where I'm not sure which one I'll take.

Firstly, I get the impression that this is a piece that could be partly like a poem, expressing how much the little girl wants to go home, even though she is about to embark on a journey (presumably with her parents and siblings). Because of the little information you get, you can already imagine a lot. Especially with the title (that's how I found your story), I assume a very positive and exciting life that will happen. Where the girl and her family will discover and marvel at many things.

But I also have the impression that you are splitting into a completely different direction here, where we are probably witnessing a kidnapping. In particular, the lack of emotion in the tone in which the girl asks how far it is home gives me the feeling that someone has taken advantage of her naivety to capture her and even do terrible things to her. There is too little circumstantial evidence to make anything of it, which is why I can't immediately decide where it will go.

Also, it doesn't make it easy to tell what it's supposed to represent because you didn't specify if it's a poem or a short story, etc.... Again, this gives the reader room to interpret, of course, but it also makes you feel like you don't know if there is an answer at all. Especially in such short moments where the author publishes something and shares such something with other people, it often seems to me that there is no answer that is correct and the author is also seen there as just "another" reader whose opinion should be shared.

This is not a negative criticism, but rather a suggestion to maybe next time, instead of just the short story, do a spoiler tag where you share your own opinion with us.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Wed Nov 11, 2015 7:31 pm
caliginous wrote a review...



Ello JoytheBrave caliginous here.

This. Is. Amazin'.

And that basically sums it up.
But I'm going to go on anyway.

Fifteen words, but this could be a metaphor for almost anything. Now that's poetry. Well I guess I need to criticize this now if I'm going to make it a review...

Like chhlovebooks stated, don't capitalize "asking" because it's in the middle of a sentence.

Is that - is that good? Am I done now? That's the only error...what else can I say...?

Ehem, well, you managed to shove a whole lotta meaning in to every single word. All of them. You really know what you're doing.

(I'm trying really hard right now to find another error. Really hard. I even dug around the internet for about ten minutes to make sure "I'm" is definitely one word. Of course, you're right, it is in fact one word. Darn you Google, you just want to take away my chance at a quality review.)

Well, I love how you made the word "home" have so many meanings. It could literally mean home, or it could mean something deeper. A better tomorrow, a place people will love me, somewhere I can feel safe, etcetera, etcetera. Beautiful.

"I'm just a little girl sitting in the backseat"
Wow - I almost completely missed a huge chunk of meaning in this line (seriously, brain, you're killing me today). The word "backseat" seems like just another word, you know, it's where the little kids sit. But woah...I just realized it meant—
Nope, not gonna give it away. It's better if the readers figure it out themselves.
And "little girl" means—
No, stop it. Stop. Don't give stuff away like that.

PERFECTION. Gorgeousness happenin' here. Yup.

~caliginous




JoytheBrave says...


Thank you!



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Wed Nov 11, 2015 11:43 am
deleted21 says...



Brilliant! :D




JoytheBrave says...


Thanks! : )



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Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:11 am
chhlovebooks wrote a review...



Dear JoytheBrave, you are truly a master of words. Although this is short, it is so very, very true. It speaks to the heart in ways a longer poem can not. I am so fond of this creation of yours, and I can find only one error. Asking shouldn't be capitalized here, unless you put a period at the end of backseat. However, if you did stick a period there, it would sound kind of awkward. Other than that though, good job!




JoytheBrave says...


Thank you!




Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox