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Adam 1 (working title)

by Satira


Adam works in the kids department, which other people say he should be grateful about. In his opinion, it is seriously overrated.

Before he got removed, he babysat sometimes after school. He really didn’t mind it because he made money afterwards, and besides, it wasn’t boring, like being a cashier or something. But when the job was over, he was usually too tired to do homework, or eat dinner, or anything but go to bed. Kids are intense, and they wear Adam out fast, like they are a fire feeding on him until he’s black and dead.

Now he works everyday except Sundays. The subtext is that it’s motherducking for eight hours a day with hardly any break at all, and that’s what Adam’s coworkers call it- 'motherfucking mother ducking', they call it- but it isn’t called that. People like Adam don’t make the rules.

He doesn’t get paid, though his particular job allows for some perks. But lollipops at the front desk and ice cream every Friday and cute children’s faces everywhere are hardly substitutes for real cash.

It’s not like he needs money. None of the employees like Adam do, because they get everything they need at the facility where they live and work and die. But he thinks about it sometimes, thinks it would be nice to be able to choose what he wants for a change.

Only sometimes, though. Adam thinks, mostly, that when you can’t change anything, you just have to move inside your confines as comfortably as possible. Straining against immovable bars, even thinking about straining, wastes strength. It makes you wear out quicker.

Adam has seen worn out people.

He wakes up very early because he gets to bed early, and the lights aren’t on yet, so it’s pitch-black in his room except for the red blinking light of the security camera over his head. Somebody is watching him, he knows. All the time. He doesn’t really care anymore, and, when turning over the realization in his mind now, he feels a prick of guilt, or something like guilt… like he has betrayed himself somehow. When he was younger, when he was just removed and placed here in the facility, he used to undress behind his bed, hoping that he was obscured somewhat, so aware of his nakedness. In the weeks that followed, he figured out that the camera’s only blind spot was right under it, so he adjusted his strategy.

Lately he’s been lazy, though. It’s not like he’s the only one they’re watching, the Security, he reasons...


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Fri Jun 18, 2021 9:02 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well..this was quite an intriguing story here...although this kinda feels like its talking about two separate stories somehow...if that makes sense, cause this just doesn't sound like it could all just be one story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Adam works in the kids department, which other people say he should be grateful about. In his opinion, it is seriously overrated.

Before he got removed, he babysat sometimes after school. He really didn’t mind it because he made money afterwards, and besides, it wasn’t boring, like being a cashier or something. But when the job was over, he was usually too tired to do homework, or eat dinner, or anything but go to bed. Kids are intense, and they wear Adam out fast, like they are a fire feeding on him until he’s black and dead.


Okay....wow, well that will certainly get your attention as far as the start of this one goes...looks like someone that worked quite hard there to earn something...and didn't particular enjoy being as tired as they ended up at the end of said work...which is understandable, although they do also seem quite bitter about it judging by the tone of this beginning here.

He doesn’t get paid, though his particular job allows for some perks. But lollipops at the front desk and ice cream every Friday and cute children’s faces everywhere are hardly substitutes for real cash.

It’s not like he needs money. None of the employees like Adam do, because they get everything they need at the facility where they live and work and die. But he thinks about it sometimes, thinks it would be nice to be able to choose what he wants for a change.


Hmm, well the bitter theme continues there, he definitely doesn't seem to be all that thrilled about doing his job and the hard work that comes along with it. Certainly quite an interesting character that you've created there. Not too often you see one of the main protagonists with a personality quite like this one, so its interesting to see where you might be taking this here.

Only sometimes, though. Adam thinks, mostly, that when you can’t change anything, you just have to move inside your confines as comfortably as possible. Straining against immovable bars, even thinking about straining, wastes strength. It makes you wear out quicker.

Adam has seen worn out people.


Well, that was a bit of a dark series of thoughts there...you do wonder what could he possibly mean by the fact that he's seen lots of worn out people, certainly seems to almost be talking off folks that are somehow contained in something and aren't getting out. I wonder if that's a metaphor for something if there's something actually crazy like that happening here. This is taking a bit of a turn here.

He wakes up very early because he gets to bed early, and the lights aren’t on yet, so it’s pitch-black in his room except for the red blinking light of the security camera over his head. Somebody is watching him, he knows. All the time. He doesn’t really care anymore, and, when turning over the realization in his mind now, he feels a prick of guilt, or something like guilt… like he has betrayed himself somehow. When he was younger, when he was just removed and placed here in the facility, he used to undress behind his bed, hoping that he was obscured somewhat, so aware of his nakedness. In the weeks that followed, he figured out that the camera’s only blind spot was right under it, so he adjusted his strategy.

Lately he’s been lazy, though. It’s not like he’s the only one they’re watching, the Security, he reasons...


Okay, now that just went in a very different direction right there at the end in a way I was certainly not even remotely expecting. Well, well, well...I do wonder what that could possibly mean, it looks like he's someone being monitored in some super secret facility and that is something that sounds like a cool story but it also sounds like a completely different story to the one this started out as...so...uhh...I am a little confused as to what this is all meant to indicate here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, an intriguing but somewhat confusing start that you've got here. I'm not quite sure where this one is headed. Sorry if that was a little harsh here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:23 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hi, my name is Tulip and I am here to give you a review on your chapter.

I would advise you to maybe chance the tense to past, it keeps it a little simpler to write. Not that you have to, it just something that I'd like to advice.

It is a very good work right now, and I do not have a lot of negative stuff to say about it. The only thing that truly bugged me was the fact that you used present tense throughout the piece.

I loved how you introduced some of your character. You have yet to give us any more information except that his name is Adam, and he works in the kids department. That's good. We don't need to have an info dump for the character within the first chapter. So I liked how you did that.

Now, some of the paragraphs, I felt like they may have been to long. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It just seemed like the focus changed a little bit within it, and without a proper transition it made it a little confusing.

Now I hope you keep on writing. I hope my words weren't deemed as harsh, as I would never mean for them to be that way.

Keep on writing,
Tulip.




Satira says...


Thank you for reviewing!
I was going to write in past tense... I guess present tense can seem pretentious(ha... pre-tenseous, get it?) sometimes. But it's easier for me to get into someone else's experience if I'm writing it in the present, and I wanted to try writing in something other than first person. I totally get what you're saying.
Thanks again, and have a good day!



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Mon Sep 14, 2015 7:57 pm
Baesch wrote a review...



I think I like this. It's left me a bit confused, but I think I like your premise.

What I like:

*intriguing story opens up to the reader. Where is he, what is this dystopian reality?
*your writing style isn't shit and you understand grammar; at least it's not worse than mine.

What could do with improvement:

*The character makes a kind of U-turn around half way in. He starts out as a normal, slightly subversive seeming guy in what I imagine as the kid's section of a store. Then suddenly he's not being paid, and then he's actually not subversive at all any more, he's kind of sad and compliant.
*Your setting lacks cojones

-> Readers may be intelligent, critical beings, but the background work happening in their brains is lazy. I don't want to have to change my mind about the world I'm reading about half way through. The description has to stay consistent, and I want to know what I'm at fairly early in.

*I don't want to be TOLD what Adam is like, I want to be SHOWN. Telling me he's this way or that way isn't really giving me a vibrant image.

So. How you could improve it:

*Let Adam DO stuff rather than reflect on his setting. I have trouble doing this, but I've found it to be worth the struggle of figuring out character interaction etc. Describe his person with what he does, rather than what he, or the omniscient observer, thinks about him.

*Have a consistent setting in mind right at the beginning, and stick to it. How about he's in his room, getting ready for a day of work? There's the camera, there's him buttoning up under it, there's him reflecting about his past and what he's going to do with his day.

Have you read George Orwell's 1984?

And yes, the blurbs are annoying.

Wait a sec, you're 14?!

If you're not kidding about your age, that's some potential you've got. Work on it :)
(And I guess, regardless of your age.)

-Baesch




Satira says...


thank you! it means a lot!



Satira says...


oh, to clarify(you probably don't care, but what can I say, I'm an attention seeker...)
. Not kidding about my age, I'm 14.
. I have read 1984, but I don't love it. However, I can appreciate how it's a pioneer for the genre.
. I'm not sure if this story is dystopian, but it's probably something like that. Think 'The Giver', kind of.
. your comments were really good and have made me think about where I'm going to go next with this. Thank you for your help!




I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.
— Margaret Atwood