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Close the Doors.

by Halfbloodcheetah


I wrote this scene one day when i was feeling really terrible... I may or may not make this canon... I just wrote it to vent my sadness... 

"Close the doors” Jarrod yelled as his mind-controled friends ran towards them. The door was quickly shut and sealed, and the mutants and humans on the other side of the door started pounding on it. “You know this door won’t hold them” Hunter said as he turned to Jackson. “Maxton’s controlling them, and even though he’s a complete lunatic, he never quits anything. He won’t stop till we are all dead.” Then a dark, eerie, evil voice came from behind the door. “Yes” The voice of Maxton hissed. “And when you are all dead, I will free your friends long enough to see what they have done… And then I’ll kill them too.” The voice laughed as a loud bang filled the room and a dent appeared on the door that was keeping the possessed on the other side from killing them. Caddie started pushing everyone out of the room “Go go go go go go!!! We have to get out of here!!!” Harmony grabbed Kyla’s hand and started to rush her towards the door. “Wait!” the younger girl screamed. “Marquez!” Harmony whirled around. The mutant leopard stood his ground in front of the door as another dent appeared and the metal door shuddered. He turned to face the girls with a sad smile on his face. “Go. I’ll hold them off” “NO!!!” Kyla shrieked, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him towards safety. “Please come with us. We can make a plan, fight them together” she pleaded tears pouring down his cheeks. Marquez turned to fully face her and she saw he was crying too. He pulled her into a hug “Kyla, I am so sorry. I have to do this, to keep you safe, to keep the team safe.” He sobbed “You were one of the most influential people in my life. Like a sister.” He pulled out of the embrace and kissed her forehead. “Love you sis.” He said, turning back to the door as another dent appeared and the door shuddered. “Go. Please…” He pleaded with Kyla. Kyla took Harmony’s hand and rushed towards the door that led out. When they got to the door Kyla turned for one last look at the guy who had been like a brother to her. He smiled, and quickly motioned for her to go. She waved one last good-bye and let Harmony rush her down the hallway. Marquez turned back towards the door, baring his claws and teeth and his hands caught on fire as the door exploded off its hinges. When the smoke cleared, a possessed Jackson stepped through the hole that used to be a doorway. “Foolish boy, you should have run away when you had the chance. Now you will die here.” Maxton’s voice roared. Marquez’s eyes blazed with hatred at the possessed mutants and humans. “You won’t hurt them. I won’t let you. You will not hurt my friends.” Maxton’s voice laughed wickedly as his pawns advanced on Marquez. Kyla and Harmony, and the rest of them had finally made their way to the main lounge area of the HQ. Suddenly, Marquez’s screams of pain resounded throughout the complex. Kyla screamed “MARQUEZ!” trying to break away from Harmony and get to her friend. Harmony tried to get her to come along, but Kyla had her mind set to getting to Marquez. “Mack” she said turning to the mutant panther. “I can’t get her to come along.” Mack walked over to Kyla, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder and carried her as they ran to Blaze’s truck. She kicked and screamed for Marquez as they all got into the truck and Blaze revved the engine and they sped away. Kyla was a wreck. She was crying into Mack’s shoulder. Jarrod wiped a tear from his eyes as he watched Kyla cry. Hunter crossed his wings and turned his mind to their next move. He knew that the death of Marquez hit them hard, but he knew that there would be so much more to come.


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Fri Jun 18, 2021 11:09 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Close the doors” Jarrod yelled as his mind-controled friends ran towards them. The door was quickly shut and sealed, and the mutants and humans on the other side of the door started pounding on it. “You know this door won’t hold them” Hunter said as he turned to Jackson. “Maxton’s controlling them, and even though he’s a complete lunatic, he never quits anything. He won’t stop till we are all dead.” Then a dark, eerie, evil voice came from behind the door. “Yes” The voice of Maxton hissed. “And when you are all dead, I will free your friends long enough to see what they have done… And then I’ll kill them too.” The voice laughed as a loud bang filled the room and a dent appeared on the door that was keeping the possessed on the other side from killing them. Caddie started pushing everyone out of the room “Go go go go go go!!! We have to get out of here!!!” Harmony grabbed Kyla’s hand and started to rush her towards the door. “Wait!” the younger girl screamed. “Marquez!” Harmony whirled around. The mutant leopard stood his ground in front of the door as another dent appeared and the metal door shuddered. He turned to face the girls with a sad smile on his face. “Go. I’ll hold them off” “NO!!!” Kyla shrieked, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him towards safety. “Please come with us. We can make a plan, fight them together” she pleaded tears pouring down his cheeks. Marquez turned to fully face her and she saw he was crying too. He pulled her into a hug “Kyla, I am so sorry. I have to do this, to keep you safe, to keep the team safe.” He sobbed “You were one of the most influential people in my life. Like a sister.” He pulled out of the embrace and kissed her forehead. “Love you sis.” He said, turning back to the door as another dent appeared and the door shuddered. “Go. Please…” He pleaded with Kyla. Kyla took Harmony’s hand and rushed towards the door that led out. When they got to the door Kyla turned for one last look at the guy who had been like a brother to her. He smiled, and quickly motioned for her to go. She waved one last good-bye and let Harmony rush her down the hallway. Marquez turned back towards the door, baring his claws and teeth and his hands caught on fire as the door exploded off its hinges. When the smoke cleared, a possessed Jackson stepped through the hole that used to be a doorway. “Foolish boy, you should have run away when you had the chance. Now you will die here.” Maxton’s voice roared. Marquez’s eyes blazed with hatred at the possessed mutants and humans. “You won’t hurt them. I won’t let you. You will not hurt my friends.” Maxton’s voice laughed wickedly as his pawns advanced on Marquez. Kyla and Harmony, and the rest of them had finally made their way to the main lounge area of the HQ. Suddenly, Marquez’s screams of pain resounded throughout the complex. Kyla screamed “MARQUEZ!” trying to break away from Harmony and get to her friend. Harmony tried to get her to come along, but Kyla had her mind set to getting to Marquez. “Mack” she said turning to the mutant panther. “I can’t get her to come along.” Mack walked over to Kyla, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder and carried her as they ran to Blaze’s truck. She kicked and screamed for Marquez as they all got into the truck and Blaze revved the engine and they sped away. Kyla was a wreck. She was crying into Mack’s shoulder. Jarrod wiped a tear from his eyes as he watched Kyla cry. Hunter crossed his wings and turned his mind to their next move. He knew that the death of Marquez hit them hard, but he knew that there would be so much more to come.


Hmm....well this is quite a story...looks like we've got ourselves a bit of a hero sacrificing themselves for another person sort of move here and well those are always quite interesting to read, especially trying to see the circumstances of said sacrifice. Okay...now, one issue with this sort of thing is, we don't quite know what the context for this sacrifice is. Yes, it seems like this is indeed the good guy and someone that means a lot to the characters here, but we know nothing here and we don't quite care about them....so...its a little tough to see exactly what effect it has, but perhaps this is actually a middle chapter or something and I just don't know so...feel free to ignore that in that case.

Anyway, that aside, the emotions that you capture through this story are certainly really well done. You can feel how this one resigns themselves to their fate, how the others react to having to witness this choice, and just generally how much this death effects everyone else in the story. You can also what kind of a person that they're all running from there, and how that one seems quite hell bent on killing the lot of them for some reason. The little bits of detail that slip through regarding possesed friends also do lend another level cruelty to the antagonist here and you've done an excellent job incorporating those things while still keeping the flow going.

The one major issue that is a bit of an elephant in the room with this chapter is the lack of paragraphing here, this whole thing is spread out across just one massive paragraph and that makes it a little tough to read. The flow is surprisingly still intact despite the single paragraph, but a bit of paragraphing would make this a lot cleaner and just generally easier to read.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:57 pm
racket wrote a review...



Hello, Halfblood! racket here to review this short story!
Well, I haven't read the canon parts of this story, but I do really like the concept, and your characters seem well developed good job! I have a few questions/comments/suggestions/concerns/etc. to put out here, so bear with me, please.
The first would be a question. So, is Marquez like a half-human, half-leopard thing? Hunter's part bird, Mack's part panther? Or are they the actual animals? You may want to define 'mutant' clearer here, just for visualization purposes.
My first suggestion would be to hack this humongous block of text into lots of littler paragraphs. Goodness' sake's! Such a large paragraph! XD So many words pressed together makes it difficult for the readers to find the spots they were reading and also difficult for the readers to mentally 'breathe'. The spaces between the paragraphs are like the pauses commas give us, they help our brains prepare and process information and text faster and more accurately than without. It's kind of like being pressed in a huge crowd of people, where it's hard to think and move and communicate.
Dialogue spacing would really help here. Whenever a different person than whoever was previously speaking speaks, you've got to start a new line so that the reader's can really tell who's saying what, and, of course, to make it easier on the eyes. Also, you've got a bit of a punctuation dilemma in the dialogue department. Wow, alliteration. XD A few of your bits of dialogue don't have any commas or periods at the end. If the character hasn't finished a complete thought, just add a comma at the end and it'll be fine, but you do need to have punctuation there, at least somewhere. Here's an example to kind of show everything I just went over.

"You know this door won't hold them!" Hunter said as he turned to Jackson. "Maxton's controlling them, and even though he's a complete lunatic, he never quits anything. He won't stop 'til we are all dead."
A dark, eerie, evil voice magnified itself from behind the door.
"Yes," Maxton hissed. "And when you are all dead, I will free your friends long enough to see what they have done... And then I'll kill them too."
The voice laughed...

I believe that made sense. Sorry, I tweaked a few of your sentences to make them a bit more descriptive. The stronger the words and more detailed details, the better! Always, in writing.
So, that's all I have to suggest for now! Good job! I really thought this was an interesting concept, so if this does become an actual canon story, if it already is, I'd love to read it sometime. Maybe not review, I'm not good at reviewing long chapters, but definitely read. Keep up the great work, and happy review day!
~racket




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Tue Sep 08, 2015 6:55 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review!

Good points first about your story: you have some great action in here and it’s delivered in a fast, punchy way. You don’t allow yourself to get bogged down in unnecessary detail and I could imagine this pretty well, like it was an action sequence in a movie. I don’t really know anything about the context in which this was written, but I think it could definitely make something bigger (and something really awesome) if you choose to make it so.

I have a few smallish criticisms to do with this piece. Firstly and I think perhaps most importantly, you need to format this properly in order to keep your audience engaged. Simply by putting in paragraphs, your story will become much easier to read. At the very least, you should have a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. I can understand that this scene may have been a bit of a freewrite where you were trying to get your thoughts down, but when uploading things to YWS I’d generally advise you do a little formatting beforehand. It’ll really help your reviewers, and will probably get you more traffic and more likes! :D

Despite what I said about the detail, some elaboration here and there might be nice if you’re planning on doing any improvements. At the moment it’s quite simplistic, which is fine, but I think some extra detail might make this better.

The mutant leopard stood his ground in front of the door as another dent appeared and the metal door shuddered. He turned to face the girls with a sad smile on his face.


Perhaps you could explain how a leopard might smile sadly? I find it a little difficult to imagine, so maybe you could explain what it looked like. Maybe you could say something like “If a leopard could smile sadly, he was doing it now” but that’s just a random suggestion to try and illustrate what I mean. :P

One extra little thing: Marquez and Maxton have really similar names, so I would suggest changing one of them. I know I haven’t read the rest of the story so I haven’t really got to know the characters, but I kept getting them muddled up…

Overall, amazing concept and some interesting characters and dialogue. I found myself really wanting to find out what happened next, and I’d love to read more if you ever upload it! :D




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 12:08 pm



Thank you all for your reviews... The reason there is little description of the characters or the situation is because this is a scene I wrote when I was a little down. So I didn't really put much in there. If I put this into my novel at one point, it will make more sense.




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:03 am
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NiravshThe3rd wrote a review...



Ok not to rip on you or anything, but this feels very rushed. I have no time to understand anything going on, before the next unexplained event is almost over. People are talking, and I have no idea who they are, or what they are even talking about. I stopped reading about 3/4 though because I was so lost.

So this is what you can do to fix this up a bit and make it easy to understand!
(1) Discride the people. It would have helped so much if I understood what everyone was like, or looked like.
(2) Discride the environment. What were they thinking, what did they see, what kind of places are they in, ect...
(3) have some back story. This plays into (2) only have a diScripion of the past events or some background to work with.

All you need to do to make this good is slow down and add details it's very vague right now and you need to elaborate on what's going on. Last thing fix your structure it's hard to look at have someone proof read it if you can't




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:55 am
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DeepCrystal wrote a review...



Okay, very intense and fast-paced which I find appealing once in a while. Like SlowTime said, this had way too many characters all introduced in a flurry of action that gave us readers little time to become absorbed by them. Really the only solid detail that I know about any of these characters is that Maxton is viewed as a lunatic. Also one of the major things I find wrong with this is that it is all one paragraph. A good starting point would be to start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks and work your way from there. Doing this, it'll also make for an easier read and for other reviewers to go into deeper detail.

I don't mean to just troll on your story, I just want to help you turn this into something better. Have a good night!




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Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:12 am
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SlowTime wrote a review...



Hello. SlowTime Here to give some advise suggestions and ideas.

This story has a good theme to it, and an interesting concept. But that said, it has a few things I want to touch base with.

Firstly. You introduced far to many characters at the beginning, it was hard to understand who was who and how that certain person was related to the situation. Try to slow down with how many names you start out with. When you over load your reader with TO much new information, it becomes confusing and hard to read.

Secondly. The plot was hard to understand. This piece seemed to come out of a page or chapter well into the book, instead of the start of a story. So try and make when you start a book or when you take from a book, more clear.

Thirdly. Your explanations on things make the story even harder to understand. I got so confused when you suddenly through out a "mutation leopard". Also the enemy made little to no sense. (but that may just be me XD)

When your writing you want to re-read it like YOU are the reader instead of the writer, try to see it how they would see it. This helps fix over complicated things or make things that are to little in detail become more clear.

I would also suggest going through and checking on some spelling mistakes I wont say them for the sake that if you find them it help you find others :). (there are some punctuation mistakes also)

Just make sure your story has less of such a sudden explosion of information.

That it :P for now. But truly I liked the concept of this idea, and it can easily be fixed just by re-arranging some words and taking somethings out.

Keep writing, SlowTime.




selenadawn55 says...


Hello slowtime, I liked how your characters are different forms of mutants and evil ones. The plot line was good. I think if you had paragraphs it would be better for people to read and understand I have a hard time with that as well but overall it was good.





Showtime was a reviewer... I am the writer. Thanks :)


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SlowTime says...


;) Yup If you have anything to say, say it to the writer!




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie