Young Writers Society

This was okay.

I don't like how straight forward this is. I enjoy when the poet gets right to the point, but this left no room for imagination. You dictated what we have to think about the poem and you aren't allowing any interpretation. That isn't a good thing. I do enjoy the metaphor/allusion to it being an amphitheater, but there are many other qualities about this poem that really dampens it.

thanks.

Yello? This is Willow speaking, here to review. Pardon me if I'm a little rusty, I haven't reviewed in a while, but I'll give it a go.

First off I didn't think I would like the paragraph style of poem (I'm very partial to stanzas) but it really worked for you. The speed and tempo felt perfect throughout the main part of the poem, but personally I woukd move that last line up into the main paragraph. That way you get the feeling that the peom is standing up in the ampitheater (that doesn't sound quite right to me, but I'll continue anyway) All on it's own like that, it separates the big emotional line from the tension you have built up in the last sentence. The spacing moves it away from the eye, basically creating a mini break in between the two sentences, which didn't quite feel right to me.

Second, word choice. There were a few words that just didn't seem right to me, I just want to point them out to you. That first sentence where you say "and my thoughts into gladiators" I kept thinking you had told me what was doing the transforming, and I know that that,s a mystery here with it,s all metaphorical magic. Maybe it,s just me, but you might take a look at it and see if there's any better phrasings. Then there's a lot of "rumble" being repeated, which was really distracting, kind of like a false rhyme it kept taking my back to the one before it and threw me off the beat of the poem. It's fine to use the word more than once, but maybe not so close together. Same with ampitheater, a little harder to come up with a synonym for, but give it a shot if you want. Also, "buries into emptiness?" I can't figure that one out. It's killing me. Lastly, you mention "the winner" very early on, before the fighting's even done. I feel like you're getting a head of yourself there. Maybe the fighter, the warrior, or the strongest, but it's too soon for winner.

Great job, though. Seriously. I love the idea of the ampitheater, it's such a powerful word for mind and the idea is gripping.

Keep it up,
Willow

So I've always loved the idea of writing about amphitheaters and gladiators in my poetry. I've even tried it several times and it's never really worked for me-- so I gave up on that a long time ago. I'm glad to see someone else appreciates my love of that theme, however!

I've just got a couple of nitpicky things.

gladiators get into a rumble, to win the rumble and come out at the top

the winner’s body and barbaric atmosphere in the amphitheater,

and as soon as the rumble is over,

the amphitheater buries to emptiness, with blood stains all over.

Hi Ankush,

I see you have quite a few reviews on this work but I haven't read them, I wanted to share with you my own thoughts on your poem without diluting them. I hope it doesn't become too repetitive for you!

Firstly I want to say that I really like the theme of your poem. An ars poetica (or poem about writing poetry) is not an easy thing to attempt, and it is especially difficult to get right. Here you have a poem with such interesting elements it really shows how the individual experiences the same phenomena differently. I love your use of 'rumble' in particular, as it is a word often used in my family both to mean the small tumble fights I had with my siblings but also referencing the gladatorial bouts you may see on telly. "Let's get ready to ruuuumble!" Is a phrase I'm familiar with, perhaps you are as well. It ties in well with your use of the gladatorial arena as an extended metaphor for the creation of poetry.

That said, I think you're missing out on some excellent avenues for description and imagery. Some poems work really well as minimalist pieces with just the bare bones, but that isn't your poem. Your poem is blood and grit and spitting sand in the eyes of opponents. Your poem needs to show us the battle that keeps your words in check, the scars that map thenes to letters to the way your crush looked on Friday night. We want the experience, not just the synopsis of it. I really, really like the idea and I love your first and final lines.

In the end I think that you'd do very well to add some imagey to this, so your audience can fully experience the delight and disaster that writing poetry often is. If you do make any changes, please let met know, i'd love to read them.

Thanks for posting!
- Penguin.

Hey there, Ankush! Welcome to Young Writers Society. I hope you enjoy it here--you're certainly an excellent writer. Let's get started with the review, though, shall we?

Content:

Amphitheater.

It’s like my mind has turned to an amphitheater, and my thoughts into gladiators.

All of these gladiators get into a rumble, to win the rumble and come out at the top.

Several wounds and scars on the winner’s body and barbaric atmosphere in the amphitheater, and as soon as the rumble is over, the amphitheater buries to emptiness, with blood stains all over.

And the winner turns into a poem.

Hi there ankush95! Niteowl here to review this interesting poem!

It's a unique idea to be sure. I've read plenty of poems about the writing process, but none using a metaphor like this. I like the imagery of all the thoughts wrestling, competing to be the one idea worth writing about.

Several wounds and scars on the winner’s body

and barbaric atmosphere in the amphitheater, and as soon as the rumble is over, the amphitheater buries to emptiness, with blood stains all over.

Heya, Chrissy here for a review!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you'll like it here, I know I have. I have never seen a work quite like this one, it was very new for me. I don't know how much help I can give, not being very good with poetry, but I'll do my best.

First, good job! The style is smooth and flows well. Second, the idea is a new one. I've never seen it before. Overall it is one of the best works I've seen in a while. A few problems though. You repeat rumble several times. Redundant! You need to read through it and replace all but one.

And the winner turns into a poem.

Hello, hello! And may I just say welcome, welcome to YWS!! I hope you love it here as much as I do!
First off, I found the concept behind you poem very truthful and heartfelt. I liked the idea, just not so much the formatting. I'm thinking that you maybe styled this to be free verse, but, like I said, it can be kind of heart to read in this format. If this is how you want it and your mind has been made up, fine. But I would suggest that you split it into phrases and stanzas. The way you have it now just looks like a random paragraph someone threw together and not very polished.

I loved the first sentence, it is so true and in a writer's mind, we can be at war with ourselves constantly. I feel as though you got the message across very well.
However, you confused me a bit. The first sentence rhymes but then the rest don't. There really isn't anything you can do for this if you like the way the first sentence is. Also, since it is free verse, not everything has to rhyme. This isn't really a nitpick, just something that I felt like you should know.

Sentence by sentence now:

It’s like my mind has turned to an amphitheater

All of these gladiators get into a rumble, to win the rumble and come out at the top

Several wounds and scars on the winner’s body and barbaric atmosphere in the amphitheater,

the amphitheater buries to emptiness, with blood stains all over

And the winner turns into a poem.

Hey ankush95! Welcome to the Young Writer Society!

I really like this dramatic interpretation of how a poem is made. How all the thoughts in your mind fight to be a part of a poem and only one comes out the winner and is turned into a poem. I thought it was very well done with good spelling and grammar.

Good Job!