Young Writers Society

An amusing introductory piece to the narrative.
I know the context is just being outlined, but I can already tell the beginnings of a character-driven voice, and am very much enjoying the forthright, plain-spoken establishment of the dynamic between Belle and Jack.
You do a great job at building intrigue, sprinkling details that will later be revealed, like the 'Shredder' name-drop, and the vague description of 'magic fingers.'

I think my main feedback for your story is your use of run-on sentences, with only commas to separate independent clauses.
An example: "All of us did something bad, that's why the government had to reopen it, there was no safe place to put all of us." -> this can be changed into: "All of us did something bad; that's why the government had to reopen it. There was no safe place to put all of us." Either that, or incorporate conjunctions like: "All of us did something bad, *which is why the government had to reopen it. There was no safe place to put all of us."
^Furthermore, if I could rework that line to have it flow a little more naturally, I'd have it read like: "Every one of us has done something... /bad/... to end up here. That's why the government had the center reopen. We haven't any safer place to go."

An additional note: this line, I believe, would work better when remade from its offbeat phrasing: "The reason why he and I are the center, were were caught in the neutral area (the showers) kissing," into -> "The whole reason why we're even held up at this center is 'cause we got caught kissing! in the showers - at the goddam neutral area, no less!"

And for the last sentence: "Hey, it's not my fault and it's not his it's the price for falling in love again." -> This is also a run-on line; have it be changed into: "Hey, it's not my fault - and it's not his either. It's the price for falling in love again."


I apologise if I reworked over your piece too much !! I thought it was an engaging read, but with a few minor edits and revisions, I can see the development of a terrific story coming into view!

~ I hope this helped, even a little, at least. Keep up the good work and continue writing!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

San Francisco Juvenile Detention Center; to us we call it Mala Suerte, to the world it's known as Alcatraz. To us; it's home as roughly 300 boys and girls from ages 5 to 21 live there. All of us did something bad, that's why the government had to reopen it, there was no safe place to put all of us. The reason I'm here is because of my magic fingers, that's why here I'm called Little Finger. There is one guy, he's special, I know we used to go out; he's known here as Shredder, I know him as Jack. He knows me as Belle. We all stick together here, unless you are caught on someone's turf, it's not about race, it's about skill. The reason why he and I are the center, were were caught in the nuetral area (the showers) kissing. Hey, it's not my fault and it's not his it's the price for falling in love again.

I agree with Cody, the formatting was a bit strange to me. With a bit of tuning I think it could work though
(Also, I like the title as well)
I think the formatting of the first two sentences is off. If it were me, I would write it like this:
San Francisco Juvenile Detention Center: to us we call it Mala Suerte, to the world it's known as Alcatraz. To us it's home, as roughly 300 boys and girls from ages 5 to 21 live here.
- Since your main character lives and is currently in Mala Suerte, you would say "here" instead of "there."

Make sure you break this up into paragraphs as well.

This sounds kind of like a prologue to me. i know prologues are supposed to be mysterious and foreshadow-y, but I think we do need a little bit more information than what you've given us here. You say they reopened Alcatraz because there was no safe place to put these delinquents, but why couldn't they just be placed in a regular detention hall? I take it they are very dangerous? Expand on that some.

The second half of this section, starting with "There is one guy" is very choppy. There's no flow and some of the sentences are worded oddly. Try reading it out loud, that will help you hear where it doesn't sound quite right.
In the second to last sentence you have a couple grammatical errors: you write "were" twice in a row, I think the first one is supposed to be "we". Right after that you misspell "neutral." Double-check your punctuation too, there a couple places where you should have commas.

If you need any help with this, just let me know! I'm curious to find out more about Belle and Jack and what lies ahead for them!

-Hawk out

As short as this is, I am already deeply intrigued and I definitely want to hear more. I felt the way you formatted this was strange, but that's alright.

I am interested in learning about how Jack got his nickname as Shredder and the love story of Jack and Belle, as I hope it is an interesting one. It is very easy to dull down a love story and I hope you can avoid that.

I can't wait to learn about her magic fingers and if it is actual magic or not.

The title is great, because Spanish, and it was different and really stood out among everything in the green room.

I am excited for more!

Keep Writing!

- Cody