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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Pirate Queen: Chapter 1

by TheCrimsonLady


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1

Blood pours through my fingers, drenching my tunic and making me wince in pain. The blood from the cut on my forehead blocks my vision, but even moving my arm to wipe away the blood creates unthinkable pain, so I hobble along in the shadows of the woods, still attempting to be stealthy. My pursuers’ torches gleam in the darkness, coming closer by the moment. Avoiding any bright patches of moonlight where the canopy of trees breaks, I pray to the Triad, hoping desperately to make it to my father’s house, where my brother will help me.

I hear voices on my right and stop moving, afraid I might make a sound that would alert them to my presence. A deep, growling voice asks, “Think the bitch went this way? I can’t see her anymore!” A faint breeze blows, rustling the leaves of the trees and bringing the smell of the sea with it. Refraining from spitting a string of curses, I seethe in silence.

My suspicions of pirates chasing me seem to have been proven, making my situation ten times worse. Holding my breath, I wait for his companions to answer. “Shut up, sailor! She’s somewhere here, I can tell.” I bite my tongue to keep from making any noise when I recognize Salian’s voice.

Just then, a ray of moonlight catches on something for a split second, flashing it into my face. My red hair must stand out, even if for just a second, because he lunges towards me. I take off as fast as I can, trying to ignore the pain. The world goes fuzzy for a moment until I remember to breathe. My sprained ankle protests against the movement, and the hard road on my blistered feet feels like hot coals. Abandoning all pretense of being hidden, I limp towards the huge manor rising in my view, just ahead. Hearing a shot behind me, I duck down instinctively, regretting it the instant I do. The wound near my stomach seems to bleed even worse and I see stars in my vision. Frantically trying not to scream, and so alert my father or his lackeys to my presence, I bite my tongue. The taste of salt and rust fills my mouth as I draw blood.

Tears stream down my face, and I glance behind me. Salian and his men are far enough away that I have a chance to find the secret door to the estate my brother and I had used when we were little to keep from getting in trouble. Slipping behind the tall brick wall, I sigh in relief. Looking up, I see a light in my brother’s bedroom. Hoping that Nik’s bedroom hasn’t changed in the three years I’ve been absent, I toss a pebble at his window. When he doesn’t respond, I throw another. This time, he opens his window and glances outside. I walk up closer, into the light.

His eyes go wide when he sees me, and he clears his throat a few times before he speaks. “Arianna? Is that you?” His voice is filled with shock and concern.

A new wave of pain makes me want to double over, and I snap, “Yes, of course it’s me, but let’s just stand here and talk until I bleed out. Maybe tomorrow, you can have my corpse for tea!”

Cringing, he disappears from the window. After a few moments, he bursts through the side door, and rushes to my side. “Ari, are you alright? How did this happen to you?” He tentatively places a hand on my shoulder.

Suddenly, my energy drains from me, and I sway on my feet. Steadying me, Nik lifts me up into his arms, carrying me up the stairs and into his room. Carefully, he sets me down onto his bed. I cry out when the unhealed lash wounds on my back press against the bedspread. A worried expression comes over Nik's face.

"Really, that bad?" I smile weakly, trying to make light of the situation, but Nik doesn't smile back. Instead, he looks over me, touching my wounds with light fingers. 

"What happened to you?" His voice shakes- whether form anger or worry, I can't tell. "We haven't seen or heard from you in four years, and now you show up, on the shadow of-" His voice breaks, and he stops talking, trying to collect his emotions. "Why didn't you come home before, Ari?" 

I shrug, feeling immensely guilty although I know that I have made the right choices. "Nik, I had my reasons." Sighing, I rest my head back, and stare at the ceiling. "Did father never mention to you why he kicked me out?"

Nik stops moving abruptly, and stares at me. "Father said you ran away."

I laugh bitterly, then wince at the pain it causes. "And you believed him? You know that most of what comes out of his mouth are lies and treachery."

My brother shrugs. "I didn't know what to think. You were gone, and you didn't even say goodbye."

A wave of pain washes over me, and I bite my lip. Noticing the expression of pain on my face, my brother says, "Enough talking. I'm not going to let you bleed to your death before I get any answers out of you." Smiling to let me know that he's kidding, he says, "I'll be back with the healer. We can pay her off so she won't say anything."

I nod as he steps briskly out of the room, and wait in silence for him to return. As I wait, I look around. Nik's room is still the same as when I left. A pile of dirty clothes lies in the corner, and a pitcher of wine and glasses sits on the windowsill. Hearing someone approaching, I shrink against the wall, hoping that it isn't my father, come to check on his son. 

Thankfully, it's just Nik and the healer. Pressing a bulging purse into her hand, he leads her to me. Her eyes go wide, seeing the blood pooling around me, but she sets a bag down and begins to prepare. "Get me some water, my lord. The hotter the better." Giving me another glance, she says, "Some of those wounds look a few days old, at best. They'll need to be thoroughly disinfected." My brother nods, then heads off to get the water.

The healer looks straight at me. "Demon or not, girl, I don't know if you'll live. You've lost a lot of blood, by the looks of you, and though I'll try, it may not be enough." Nik walks back in with a steaming pitcher of water. Handing it to her, he turns to leave- probably to fetch more, but I call him back.

"Nik, wait a second." My breath comes in gasps now, and it hurts to speak, but say it I must. "If I-"

He guesses my purpose and cuts me off. "Ari, don't say it. You'll be fine." His face is pained and he looks as if he's fighting back tears. 

I grin weakly at him. "I have to prepare for it, brother."

He sighs. "Arianna, you are not going to die." He shakes his head, and tries to smile back. "I won't allow it, not by any means."

I should tell him about Salian and his men, trying to get in, but my heart doesn't allow me to. I shrug- or try to. "Nik, if I die, here, today, there is a letter in my pocket. That letter has to make it aboard a ship called The Queen of the Seas, do you understand? I'll never forgive you if you don't do this." A cruel thing to say, perhaps, but I need him to do this for me. What could happen if he didn't, the Triad only knows. 

"Alright, Arianna. Now stop wasting your energy, and concentrate on getting better."

As he walks out the door, the healer snorts. "Now that that touching display of affection has finished, may I start?" Her voice is filled with sarcasm, but I'm too tired to say anything, so I nod.

She starts by cutting off my shirt and pants, careful to avoid the pockets. Her col fingers examine the stab wounds on my stomach, my legs, and the thin, even slices on my arms. When she gets to the burn marks on my neck, in perfect lines of four, her hand pauses, taken aback. Amazingly, she doesn't ask, but instead dips a towel in the steaming hot water and presses it to the worst wound, the one on my stomach. I clench my teeth, trying my hardest not to scream in pain. It feels as though liquid fire is being dropped into the hole. Stars swim in my vision, and but somehow, my brain refuses to shut off and drop me into blessed darkness.

The healer notices. "Young lady, it'll only be easier on yourself if you let yourself go unconscious. Why do you want to stay in pain?" Without taking my eyes off of what she's doing, I say, “It’s not exactly on purpose, you know. More of a reflex, really." Somehow, through the pain, I manage to laugh. My cracked lips burn as they stretch, and when the woman blanches, I wonder how horrific I really look. 

Her nimble hands thread a curved needle with clean thread. She passes the needle through a candle until it glows. The look of the thin metal in fire brings back memories, and I gag, closing my eyes, trying to avoid looking at it. 

I feel nothing as she stitches my many wounds. My body seems to forget to feel, having dealt with so much pain over the past few days already. Nik keeps a steady stream of hot, clean, water running- from where, I don’t ask. At one point, the water turns red when the healer tries to clean her hands. Slowly, slowly, the injuries are taken care of, even the lash wounds on my back. Finally, she pronounces my ankle nothing more than a bad twist, wraps it tightly in clean cloth, and steps back, examining her handiwork.

I struggle up onto my elbows and look around the room. Pitchers of used water and bloody towels lay on the floor. The area near the bed smells like herbs and rust. The healer and Nik stand in the corner, discussing something in whispers. I haven’t slept in days, and exhaustion and the reality of the past week wash over me, all at once. Blearily, I watch as the healer leaves, holding a thick velvet purse. Nik walks over to me, and sits down in a chair next to the bed.

Thanks, Nik.” My voice is clearer. He helps he sit up and drink a glass of water before he replies.

You’re my sister, Ari. I’d do anything for you.” The room seems quieter now, more at peace, somehow.

Closing my eyes, I mumble, “Night, Nik. Wake me if anything happens.” Somehow, I’m tired enough that I slip immediately into a deep sleep.


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91 Reviews


Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:50 pm
burninhell says...



Okay, this is the best thing I have read in a while. You had me gripped from beginning to end, it's fast paced and full of mystery and suspense. I love the bits that you can see of Ari, and I think that she's going to be a really interesting character.
I would have liked to see a little more of what happened before she was running though the woods, but not knowing also adds to the mystery of it all, and I guess I'll just have to wait until she explains it to Nik to find out. I also want to know more about what happened between her and her father that caused him to throw her out of the house. It sounds scandalous, so obviously I'm hooked.
All in all, this is a really good start, I look forward to the next chapters :)




burninhell says...


Also, I'm really sorry, I dont know why this seems to have posted so many times, my computer is playing up a bit





'S okay. And thanks for reviewing!



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91 Reviews


Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:49 pm
burninhell says...



Okay, this is the best thing I have read in a while. You had me gripped from beginning to end, it's fast paced and full of mystery and suspense. I love the bits that you can see of Ari, and I think that she's going to be a really interesting character.
I would have liked to see a little more of what happened before she was running though the woods, but not knowing also adds to the mystery of it all, and I guess I'll just have to wait until she explains it to Nik to find out. I also want to know more about what happened between her and her father that caused him to throw her out of the house. It sounds scandalous, so obviously I'm hooked.
All in all, this is a really good start, I look forward to the next chapters :)




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91 Reviews


Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Wed Aug 05, 2015 9:49 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Okay, this is the best thing I have read in a while. You had me gripped from beginning to end, it's fast paced and full of mystery and suspense. I love the bits that you can see of Ari, and I think that she's going to be a really interesting character.
I would have liked to see a little more of what happened before she was running though the woods, but not knowing also adds to the mystery of it all, and I guess I'll just have to wait until she explains it to Nik to find out. I also want to know more about what happened between her and her father that caused him to throw her out of the house. It sounds scandalous, so obviously I'm hooked.
All in all, this is a really good start, I look forward to the next chapters :)




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Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:44 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm so excited for this you have no idea ^_^

The beginning lacks a bit of detail. We get the bare bones here: she's in the woods, people are coming after her, they're rather close. What we don't get is the positions, which is rather important in understanding what's happening. How close are these guys exactly? It's mentioned that she hears voices to her right, but at that point we still think that the men are behind her. So it makes the launch at her a bit more hard to picture.

There's not much I really have to say because I think this chapter is really solid. This might end up being a shorter review.

As an opening chapter, I'm really fond of this. There's just enough to make us want to come back and read more. We aren't overloaded with information or left in the dark. I also noticed some things mentioned that will come into play later on in the novel (only because I read the first draft ^_^) so good job on that. It's also neat to meet Nik right off the bat. Here we've been following Arianna as she running away from these people that obviously don't like her and seem to want to kill her. We start off thinking that she's alone, that no one cares. But then Nik is there to pick her up and it makes the moment even more sweet. There isn't much description of this world yet, but I know that'll come in later chapters.

The one thing I really want to talk about is Arianna's injuries. There are good descriptions to clue us in to how terrible they are, but after that, it doesn't seem like her injuries are all that bad. I'm not going to pretend to be a medical expert, but I do know that injuries, especially serious ones like Arianna's, are hard to recover from. As it is now, it seems like the injuries don't hinder her at all. The adrenaline would keep the pain away while she's racing to her brother's house, but after that it would all wear off and all the pain would set in again. I just feel like there could be a bit more focus on the pain.

Another thing I feel is slightly missing here is Arianna's thoughts. It's written in first perso, so we really have no choice but to know what she's thinking and feeling. However, all of her thoughts seem to be focusing on the wrong things. Did she forget that quickly about Salian and everyone chasing her? True she'd be focused on and concerned about her injuries, but she would definitely be thinking of many other things at the time as well. You could even use that to your advantage to add some backstory in the very beginning. Wouldn't she be worried what they would do next? Wouldn't she start planning how to stay hidden from them once she was healed? Wouldn't the pain trigger the memory of how she got the wound? I don't typically write in first person, but I've been trying it out so I can learn how to. Thought process is so important when you're using this style. It can't be too predictable -- where the MC is only thinking about what's happening at the moment -- and it can't be too sporadic -- like stream of consciousness. Unless you're writing stream of consciousness of course -- so you have to find that balance.

I'm so happy you came back to writing this. I absolutely enjoyed the first draft so I know I'm going to love this one. Let me know when the next chapter is up! Hopefully this review actually helped and I didn't just ramble on and on :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Thanks for the review, Noe, it was quite helpful!



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Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:58 pm
LMJRayner wrote a review...



Hi QueenAnne, here for a review.

Reviewing the narrative rather than the actual structure of the piece. There are some errors in spelling and such though, form-from and he-me, and a few others, it's best if you scan through and find them yourself because you'll probably fix more on the way :)

It starts really strong, the image of being hunted by pirates through a dark wood is cool. It initiates the tone of the book. I like the fact she has already been injured and it's as if the book has started in the middle. It's strong but it could be better. There wasn't enough time spent in the darkness. Not too long before she is safe in the house, and although there is the faint possibility that she isn't going to make it, it still counts as safe. I would have liked more time in the darkness, the reader slowly finding out about why she is running through the woods, not explaining the plot but subtly hinting to bits through prose.

If it was me I would have had the whole first chapter in the woods and then it ending with her finding her brother. That would have kept the first chapter tense throughout and for good reason. Then the second chapter could focus on the brother and her. Dialogue between them after she is fixed up. Slow the pace right down and then let them have a well thought out conversation about whatever is happening in the next few chapters, obviously I don't know yet :)

The writing is good and the fast paced action and varied vocabulary really keep the reader engaged. Kept me engaged anyway :D Maybe add a bit more fluff, a bit more extravagent description, don't bog down the narrative but sometimes its nice to divert attention using colourful description. There is some really good prose in this chapter but I think it would have benefited from a bit more.

I'm hooked on what the letter is for and why it is so important and look forward to the next chapters. Keep writing!

LMJ





Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin