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A picture

by October Girl


intro:A picture

People say that when you take a picture part of your soul is took away from your body.It was not true in my mind,but my best friend said it was.

One day I tried to take a picture of my best friend.Kelly.

She screeched "no!!!" and pulled the camra out of my hand.

But it was too late I took one she looked fine to me she looked up at me and said "what have you done? My name was Keely and I was affraid.

Me and Kelly were going from the beach to the groshrie store

to get a movie then go to my house. Because Kellys mom and dad were out of town.


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Sun Sep 25, 2022 2:21 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

People say that when you take a picture part of your soul is took away from your body.It was not true in my mind,but my best friend said it was.

One day I tried to take a picture of my best friend.Kelly.

She screeched "no!!!" and pulled the camra out of my hand.

But it was too late I took one she looked fine to me she looked up at me and said "what have you done? My name was Keely and I was affraid.

Me and Kelly were going from the beach to the groshrie store

to get a movie then go to my house. Because Kellys mom and dad were out of town.


Okay... well this is a rather odd structure for a story here. For starters it looks like we've got almost two separate scenes here, and they barely seem linked to each with the way that you've written things here. I don't know if perhaps this is meant to be one continuous scene or two totally separate ones threaded together by accident. You need to look into that a little closer.

Besides that situation, you do have a fairly intriguing premise here at least. For the first bit that is. That second scene feels a touch random. I feel that you could do a lot better if you perhaps consider releasing that second bit and focus entirely on the first little bit there because I think you can really develop that scene quite nicely here.

So I think perhaps you need to take a good long look at where exactly this is going and once you've decided where exactly you want to take it, focus a little deeper into showing us the character's emotions and building this up from beyond just the plain dialogue and bits of description we have here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:05 pm
Black Ghost wrote a review...



My advice would be to study actual books so you can get a better understanding of how stories are developed. Because in truth, what you have here is very bare, as its devoid of plot, character development, and the like that are essential to telling a good story.

Reading more would be your best bet at the moment. Study how each author tells the story, and they way he/she structures dialogue, portrays characters, and develops each event in the story.

You should also check out some of the usergroups here on YWS, such as Character Development and Elements of Plot, if you haven't already. Hope that helps a little!

[s]BlackGhost[/s]




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Sun Aug 17, 2008 7:06 pm
deleted2 wrote a review...



Hey there,

This is a nice, short, easy thing to review, but you should really post stuff longer than this!

The italics are my comments:

People say that when you take a picture part of your soul is took taken away from your body. It was not true in my mind,but my best friend said it was. odd wording, something along the lines of "In my opinion, this wasn't true, although my best friend claimed it was a fact." seems better

One day I tried to take a picture of my best friend.Kelly. No need for a full stop, put a comma before "Kelly", and make this one sentence

She screeched "no!!!" Capitalize and pulled the camra cameraout of my hand.

But it was too lateadd a comma here I took one add a full stop here she looked fine to me She looked fine in the picture or in real life? Elaborate. she looked up at me and said "capitalizewhat have you done? My name was Keely and I was affraid. You mean the narrator's called Keely? And that he/she was afraid? Clarify.


Me and Kelly were going from the beach to the groshrie grocery store store

to get a moviefull stop then go to my house Explain more. They were going to her house how? By bus, car, train? Elaborate, use description. Because Kellys mom and dad were out of town.

Okay, some things I gotta say. This is too short to be an entry, and you need to proofread before you post to make sure your spelling and grammar are acceptable.

Good luck

XxxDo




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Fri Dec 22, 2006 7:32 pm
Swires wrote a review...



Ok:

:arrow: The Grammar is awful, as Prissy said, read it allowed. You need to correct your tenses.

:arrow: YWS critiques actual work, not spontaneous paragraphs with no characters, plot or any inclination to move forward into the story. Please grow your lamb before putting it up for the slaughter.




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Fri Dec 22, 2006 7:24 pm
misspriss says...



Is this supposed to be the start of a story? The grammar and spelling is very bad, read it out loud and correct them.





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