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Young Writers Society


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my past is a museum

by Arcticus


my past is a museum
and I stroll in apathy through its corridors:
I hear echoes-
the cries of a newborn, the laughter of a nine-year old,
the silence of an adolescent introvert.
I hear his unhurried steps
towards adulthood
that gradually begin to sound
like my own.

(his feet leave no prints in the dust, only crumpled up pages
with poems written all over them.)

in some corners, I find the air damp and dark
as if blackened out by an effort of forgetting.
in others I see
nostalgia lighting up everything in its dim, smiling light.
and through it all
I am surrounded by the fragrance left
by the burning incense-sticks of time.

I walk out the door.
the perfume still stuck to my clothes.


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Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:36 am
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AlfredSymon wrote a review...



Yo you writer person. Let's dissect your piece and make rainbows with its bloody dismembered bits (okay bad imagery but das da point, man).

MATTER
Obviously, this is a retrospective piece. Title confirms: it's about the past. The writer's past, specifically, expressed in the first and second stanza. The latter stanzas are concerned mostly with the act of remembrance, how it can reinforce already strong marks/wounds/whatevs and stand in the middle of dark and light. I love the subject matter(s). The two ideas work together well. Having only remembering would make it boring, and having only remembrance makes it too tell-y. So yeah, good choice.

CONTENT
I get that it's a museum, so a lot of it must be telly. However you used sounds at the first stanza, subverting my expectations. Good work yo. Thus, I'd like the imagery of the first stanza. What I'm not happy about is how it is devoid of relevance. Okay, so there was this newborn creature, then a nine-year old cretin and this weird adult form, but what's the use of telling them? You didn't hint anything significant about them for them to be worth remembering. Emotional projection relies on what makes a memory memorable. The mere mention of them doesn't produce much effect. On a good note, the crossing of the past and present in your last line is cliche, but cute.

Second stanza: Where did his feet come to? You were talking about sounds, so a visual imagery is just too out of the blue pour moi. This is where I begin babbling about using the museum idea to the fullest. Know how museums are filled with doodly oodly interesting stuff? Why not bank on that? On the fact that a museum is filled with many objects the AUDIENCES--in this here case, the readers--want to see. Be its curator; fill it with everything you like in a very artistic fashion.

Your third stanza lost it however. I like how forgetting is represented as concrete (although more might do good), but the two following images, the light and the incense sticks seem to not do much together. Personally, the last image is great, but the three of them together, no. There's no progression or thread of idea. They also don't bolster the point of remembering. What are you trying to say exactly? Note them down and give them enough words or lines to fully express them (even three words would work, as long as they're strong).

Last line is cute. It's perfect. The idea of leaving with taking something with you (that's not the cliche "memory" or photo) is wonderfully stretched here. THIS line is what you should aspire to put into action onto your other stanzas. You didn't need to say that certain memories fell stuck on you as you finish your nostalgia moment (the trip to the museum). No need to tell, just show, that's what you need to capture.

LANGUAGE
I don't like the idea of term-dropping. Nostalgia? Time? Use other words to describe or replace them. Also, I'm still debating with myself whether this

the perfume still stuck to my clothes.


is great. Grammar says it's "on my clothes" not to. Still, it might achieve poetic effect, because to as a preposition gives the idea of activity. Meh. Just judge it with your own eyes, yo. Also, capitals.

FORM
Again, the two idea combo is waw. Your use of free verse doesn't invoke much things to talk about, though.

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
MEAT, you, MEAT! Make the content more concrete and abstract at the same time. Concrete by tapping on the senses, and abstract by using figurative language and other techniques. Again, emulate your last stanza.

So yeah, sorry for the long review. Hope it helps, yo.

Ur doge 5ever,
Alfie




Arcticus says...


thanks Alfie c:



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Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:31 pm
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mountainclimber says...



This is great! The imagery and details you used made me feel like I was there. I love how this poem really makes you think and process WHY you were there. I think that having the poem lowercase made it a little distracting, but otherwise this is a great poem. Keep writing!




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Wed Apr 01, 2015 3:12 pm
DarkRavenGrimm says...



I found this piece of work very nice and captivating. I enjoy the imagery for it gave me a very imaginative view on the way I interpret my own memories. Your use of metaphors were great especially about how we would try to forget something or how we look upon more familiar happier memories. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of poetry and I can't wait to see more on here from you.




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Wed Apr 01, 2015 3:12 pm
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DarkRavenGrimm wrote a review...



I found this piece of work very nice and captivating. I enjoy the imagery for it gave me a very imaginative view on the way I interpret my own memories. Your use of metaphors were great especially about how we would try to forget something or how we look upon more familiar happier memories. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of poetry and I can't wait to see more on here from you.




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Wed Apr 01, 2015 2:20 pm
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TrueFantasy wrote a review...



Hi there! True here for a review!

This is such a well thought out review and I really liked how you compared the past as a museum. This poem tells me that your past is like separate pieces of artworks which makes up who you are now. You have told a very beautiful story from the birth to adulthood. You even added the sense of smell which further illustrates the image you have created.

Like a museum full of masterpieces, this poem is a reflection of your masterpiece and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

The only criticism I have is that shouldn't there be capital letters at the beginning? I'm not sure if the lowercases is what you intended to do. Other than that, this is an excellent piece of writing!
Keep it up and I would love to read more of your works :)
~True to the rescue




Arcticus says...


thank you c:

'lowercase poetry' is something that I learned here on YWS. I think that it sometimes makes words in a poem look, y'know, consistent.



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Wed Apr 01, 2015 2:27 am
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prithamrittika wrote a review...



hey autunms.prithamrittika here for a review.firstly i want to tell you i am not good in writing reviews.but i will try to write.

i like your poem. the name of the poem is beautiful.the total poem is very nice and beautiful. i like finising
"i walk out door
the perfume sill stuk to my cloths"
the poem is really very nice.
keep wriring poems like this.....




Arcticus says...


thank you pritham c:



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Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:44 pm
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Tommybear wrote a review...



Wow Autumns this was fantastic. For such a short piece, it paints a massive image personally as a reader. I really liked the way you described nostalgia. I have always thought of it as a sunset, covering everything in warmth making the darkest times look enjoyable, but you out did me there. I really liked this and think you deserve more likes so have one! Lol.
For me, the ending is the most important part. I'm not sure if this was your intent or meaning but by saying that the perfume still stuck to your clothes, to me, it shows that you still are all those things in the museum, in a sense. That you have come from there and are still growing, even though the pains and memories are left behind, you take the present you, out of the museum to make a new one sort to speak.
All in all, I really liked it and think you deserve more views. Well done!

-TommyBear




Arcticus says...


thank you c:



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Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:49 pm
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hmcg wrote a review...



Holly here for a review!!!

I loved your poem!

It made me go to a museum in my head and imagine what it looks like! You know that you're a great poet when you do that.

I like how you had almost no capitalization, it made me curious and wanting to know what would happen next.

You had very few grammatical/spelling mistakes so good job there.

Although I am wondering why you had the one part in parentheses, it would have been fine without it.

Overall you did a good job.

I can't wait for a new poem from you!





There is no quiet. There is only Doc McStuffins.
— Ron Swanson