z

Young Writers Society



The Hammer in my Head

by SweetMarie


I whimper in the quietest of corners,

Ravaged from the screeching of the world.

Nauseated, silent, still and trembling,

On I, alone, Athena was unfurled.

The hammer in my head, it goes a-beating

Out the tune by which a life is bent.

Such discordant rhythm is the flourish,

The symphony that sadists, surely, sent.

*

And yet, I find a pleasure in the throbbing.

Relief, in lightening pains of booming sound.

It excuses me from all the humming,

The whine of things that whirl me all around.

The hammer in my head puts me in darkness,

With nothing but my heart to light the way.

I can find the mettle of my spirit

In the shadows of the gaudy day


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257 Reviews


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Sat Mar 14, 2015 4:28 pm
Tuesday wrote a review...



Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin how people could relate since er all get migraines some point in life, and when we do this poem could relate. Also i enjoyed the many uses of adjectives in this poem to describe how your migraine felt to the reader and if they could compare yours to theirs .

When i look for a poem, i try to look for anything that would need to be change/improve but in most poems i read (like this one) or the comments from below, that i would think that you have fixed the errors in this poem.

relief, in lighting pains of booming sound
is amazing example of adjective in this poem and i love poems that have these since they give great imagery devices for the reader to use when they read this. Also there is some few end rhymes throughout this poem (not many poem could do this well).

Also i would think that people could relate since we all have a horrible headache once in a while and we try everything to get rid of it but sometimes, it goes away on its own. I think this poem represents the migraine in everyone.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday




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Thu Mar 05, 2015 4:59 am
starlinks wrote a review...



First of all, I hope you're feeling better now. Migraines can be such a (literal) pain. :(

For the poem--
1. I love the reference to Greek mythology with Athena-Zeus allusion. It fits perfectly here.
2. Repetition of the "hammer" is great, especially since it ties your title, first stanza, and the second stanza together. It unites the poem. It can also tie in to the reference in #1 as well.
3. The rhyme makes me really happy. It makes the poem so much cooler to read; I love it.

Great job! I really like this poem and again, hope everything gets better for you!
~starlinks.




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:51 am
flyingwaves wrote a review...



The poem creates a different experience for readers.The execution the poem is the main loving factor of all readers and the presentation of title is also a notable point while reading this poem .The poem has various attracting factor which provoke every reader to completely read this poem also the execution of simple and understandable words are good qualities of the writer and the character of the writer is shown in this poem.The writer had created a good impression in the poem and the plot was great I actually loved it




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:30 am
heavymetal247 wrote a review...



Migraines are a pain.... especially when there is a lot of noise and light XD any way I think you did an awesome job almost flawless in my opinion, I could feel the agonizing pain, that overtime grew subtle.... Your writing is amazing and I hope to see more.... post post post!!! ♥‿♥ I absolutely adore this poem I like how you started with the same sounds ssssss as in snake... haha

The symphony that sadists, surely, sent.

Very nicely done!

Nauseated, silent, still and trembling,

On I, alone, Athena was unfurled.

I love how you brought Athena up, I love Greek myths they're so creative! X)

The hammer in my head, it goes a-beating

Out the tune by which a life is bent.

Hammer in the head is quite painful, however the poem was beautiful XD Continut to create and stay awesome, and of course ROCK ON!!!




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:20 am
Inked wrote a review...



I'm not sure if there is supposed to be a definite rhyme scheme here. Honestly this is a well put together poem. It evokes emotions and feelings. I can almost fell the hammer to my head. It is always to ask for a longer work. Because just when I start to feel something you stop and I'm left throwing myself on the ground screaming why! To the open air.
but that's just me.
I liked the concept of the poem. Keep it up this is good
~Inked




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 12:09 am
theironnovelist wrote a review...



How lovely.
I can relate to this in every aspect. I have a kinda weak head and heart, and have been prone to migraines recently. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain! (Literally)

I think the rhythm and rhyme to this is at a T.
Just a few wording suggestions. Mostly preferences, phrases that sound odd to me:

I whimper in the quietest of corners,

I could change this to simply "the quiet corners". I think simplicity can be an important thing to start off a beautiful poem like this.

Nauseated, silent, still and trembling,

I'd suggest changing a few of these adjectives to be a little less obviously descriptive of a headache. Try changing them to describe something representing a headache rather than the actual thing. Does that make sense? It doesn't come out right in words xD I mean, try to make a comparison, an analogy to a headache.
e.g. "a gruesome feeling in my stomach" in place of "nauseated". This way, we have to figure out ourselves what this 'sickness' really is.
It's totally up to you.
This sounded better in my head. lol.

I love your line about Athena. Greek geek ^-^

Good format. Quite nice. I do like. Much. Yay.

Kk I'm rambling hope I helped and whatnot!

yours,
~iron.n




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Tue Mar 03, 2015 10:45 pm
ooh4764 wrote a review...



This poem is a bit confusing and contradictory, as I read it I feel the pain in the beginning, and in the end the joy for having the pain.

As a person who suffers from migraines as well, constant ones, that I am even on medications for that do not work.

One line I found particularly confusing and out of place was "On I, alone, Athena was unfurled." First, the first comma was not needed, and I'm not sure why you placed it there, then I was questioning why Athena was used, she is the goddess of wisdom and warfare, so how does she play into this poem and its theme?

I will say one line did capture my attention, and I found it to be very well written. "Relief, in lightening pains of booming sound." I completely connected with this line and found it to be perfect.

So while this poem was well written I think you could try to add or change some things to make it more clear and less confusing. Keep your imagery and depictions, they are wonderful.




SweetMarie says...


Thanks so much for the reply! The reason I used Athena was because of her birth story where Zeus has a terrible headache and she comes out of his head. Thank you so much for this though!



ooh4764 says...


You're right. Wow, how did I ever forget about that story? Haha



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Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:36 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



Hello! Welcome to YWS by the way~

I want to let you know right now that I've never had a migrane-- I don't even get headaches-- so I am probably not the sympathetic audience you're looking for. That said, your poem is going to fall on the ears of all types!

First thing I noticed in this poem was the rhythm, and the second was the rhyme. I really like it when rhymed poems have rhythm. And I like rhyme too, especially when it's not forced, which, for me, this poem didn't read very forced at all. Which is refreshing. Still, double and triple check that you aren't cornering yourself from the rhyme. (but really, I thought it was very tactfully done, and I commend you.)

Now the rhythm seemed of a couple places.
Your main rhythm goes:
(call this "A":
weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG [weak --optional]
And call this "B":
STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG [weak --optional])
ABBAABBA ABBAABBA

The lines that deviate from this pattern:

Relief, in lightening pains of booming sound.

With nothing but my heart to light the way.

In the shadows of the gaudy day

See how they don't fit the pattern?
Anyway, so you might not care that much about the pattern you made. You might not even know you made it(?). But if you don't care about how the rhythm pattern goes, I still advise you to fix the last line. It sounds so short and cut off. It just doesn't really feel like an ending because it really disrupts the rhythm pattern that you spent the whole poem setting up.

Now that we got that out of the way, I want to say that I really liked this poem. I loved especially the allusion to Athena, and you really put a new spin on something that I've read about before. This poem leaves me very satisfied, and it kind of reminds me of something that I would personally write (minus the whole headache thing). I like the images.

One final thing that bugged me. You managed to stay pretty far away from cliches until the very last three lines. Those lines read so cliche to me, and I know you can do better! Try to think of a stronger ending.

Let me know if you have any questions, and KEEP WRITING!
I'd like to read more of your poetry. ^^




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Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:23 pm
rockycait says...



Wow, this is really good.
I'm not a big poem person, but these are the types of poems that I enjoy. I've had to read this poem over several times to get it, and even now I'm not quite sure. The way that you made the rhyming and the rhythm work together works well with the words that you chose.
Masterful job!





If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang