Hi Yastika!
My apologies for taking such a long time to get round to reviewing this - I have been pretty busy with school lately and my to review list seems to only get longer and not shorter no matter how many I write xD Alas, I am here now!
I have to say that in comparison to the other book of yours I have been reading, I like this one a whole lot more. I think you did a very good job with the writing of it ^^ Especially the description in the beginning of the area and their situation. It was so well written I was especially impressed! There were some moments where I wanted things to be more looked into - like the money they had stolen. But in one single chapter you made me learn a lot about this main character already and I am curious to see where this is going to go. There is an awful lot of choices at your fingertips at the moment! I am especially interested in learning the motives for what these people have done. I don't have too much to say because of previous reviews, but I will add what I can!
Christine shifted uncomfortably.
This is your first sentence. The first sentences to new chapters, and to complete books especially need to be good! They need to be something that already makes the reader curious and sink into the novel, wanting to get answers. It doesn't have to be something as big as a plot twist, or so, but it can just be something small, like understanding what is being referred to in that sentence. So I would advise you to change your first sentence and add some more suspense to it. Be careful and think about how it can become a hooking first line. What would keep you reading? And don't be afraid to think hard about this one and take time. It is important!
I also noticed that at the beginning of this chapter it is pretty description heavy - which is not bad because I loved that part. But there is quite a lot of indirect speech in there as well, for example when the police people are shouting at them and the brother is shouting at her too. All that shouting going on and we didn't get to hear any of it! I am curious as to what sort of things they would be saying, so make sure you switch it over to direct speech and we can get some more details there. I think that would make it a bit more equal on the writing and dialogue distribution of things too.
One part of this chapter that I felt was lacking a lot of description is when he gets shot. You did dig a little deep, but I feel like you skimmed the surface. I can't imagine the pain, or the struggle it is for him to say the words he does. Make sure you take some of that lovely description that you use at the beginning of the chapter and put it into this part as well! And then I want to see some more agony on Claire's part. I want to see her torn between leaving her brother and escaping, having her pacing, begging him to get up and overall glancing back at her pursers. This part is a great scene for us all, so make sure you drag it out a bit and embellish it! So far it is not emotional enough and over all too quickly. There is a lot more potential in that scene, and would add even more suspense to this story!
Technical things time!
“Show off.” said Christine under her breath
This needed a comma not a full stop inside the dialogue tag. That is because you continue the sentence on the outside with the 'said'.
and yet she knew their were sirens blaring behind her
I think you meant 'there' instead of 'their'.
Christine trained her eyes on to his back
No need for the word 'to' in this sentence.
“Max.”, she whispered, gulping for air.
Hmm, this is another one of your dialogue tags which need attention. Remember that when writing dialogue, it still is a continuation of the sentence outside of it. So when you end with a full stop inside the speech marks, the tag needs a capital letter. Or if you have a comma, it doesn't need it. But what it definitely does not need is both!
"So it's either like this." Said Deanie.
"Or like so," she continued.
I hope this review was helpful! I loved the place where you ended the chapter and thought it was a perfect place to leave us hanging. Now I know that I definitely want to read some more and see what else I can enjoy from this story!
Deanie x
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