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Young Writers Society



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by yakitsa



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Wed Feb 04, 2015 5:41 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Yastika!

My apologies for taking such a long time to get round to reviewing this - I have been pretty busy with school lately and my to review list seems to only get longer and not shorter no matter how many I write xD Alas, I am here now!

I have to say that in comparison to the other book of yours I have been reading, I like this one a whole lot more. I think you did a very good job with the writing of it ^^ Especially the description in the beginning of the area and their situation. It was so well written I was especially impressed! There were some moments where I wanted things to be more looked into - like the money they had stolen. But in one single chapter you made me learn a lot about this main character already and I am curious to see where this is going to go. There is an awful lot of choices at your fingertips at the moment! I am especially interested in learning the motives for what these people have done. I don't have too much to say because of previous reviews, but I will add what I can!

Christine shifted uncomfortably.


This is your first sentence. The first sentences to new chapters, and to complete books especially need to be good! They need to be something that already makes the reader curious and sink into the novel, wanting to get answers. It doesn't have to be something as big as a plot twist, or so, but it can just be something small, like understanding what is being referred to in that sentence. So I would advise you to change your first sentence and add some more suspense to it. Be careful and think about how it can become a hooking first line. What would keep you reading? And don't be afraid to think hard about this one and take time. It is important!

I also noticed that at the beginning of this chapter it is pretty description heavy - which is not bad because I loved that part. But there is quite a lot of indirect speech in there as well, for example when the police people are shouting at them and the brother is shouting at her too. All that shouting going on and we didn't get to hear any of it! I am curious as to what sort of things they would be saying, so make sure you switch it over to direct speech and we can get some more details there. I think that would make it a bit more equal on the writing and dialogue distribution of things too.

One part of this chapter that I felt was lacking a lot of description is when he gets shot. You did dig a little deep, but I feel like you skimmed the surface. I can't imagine the pain, or the struggle it is for him to say the words he does. Make sure you take some of that lovely description that you use at the beginning of the chapter and put it into this part as well! And then I want to see some more agony on Claire's part. I want to see her torn between leaving her brother and escaping, having her pacing, begging him to get up and overall glancing back at her pursers. This part is a great scene for us all, so make sure you drag it out a bit and embellish it! So far it is not emotional enough and over all too quickly. There is a lot more potential in that scene, and would add even more suspense to this story!

Technical things time!

“Show off.” said Christine under her breath


This needed a comma not a full stop inside the dialogue tag. That is because you continue the sentence on the outside with the 'said'.

and yet she knew their were sirens blaring behind her


I think you meant 'there' instead of 'their'.

Christine trained her eyes on to his back


No need for the word 'to' in this sentence.

“Max.”, she whispered, gulping for air.


Hmm, this is another one of your dialogue tags which need attention. Remember that when writing dialogue, it still is a continuation of the sentence outside of it. So when you end with a full stop inside the speech marks, the tag needs a capital letter. Or if you have a comma, it doesn't need it. But what it definitely does not need is both!

"So it's either like this." Said Deanie.
"Or like so," she continued.

I hope this review was helpful! I loved the place where you ended the chapter and thought it was a perfect place to leave us hanging. Now I know that I definitely want to read some more and see what else I can enjoy from this story!

Deanie x




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Sat Jan 03, 2015 5:23 am
JumpyDot wrote a review...



Hello Yastika! Jumpyspot here for a review on this incredible Prologue. Quickly M'lady! To work!

First off, this chapter is completely whiplash. It's practically gotten the word whiplash written on it! Why? You ask. Well, first and foremost let me explain what whiplash is.
Whiplash is when a reader is put inside a scenario familiar to them and then unexpectantly snapped from it and put somewhere else.
This can be both good and bad, depending on how you use it. The Great Gatsby can have a great deal of whiplash, the Wheel of Time, the Kingkiller Chronicle, they all have whiplash disorder. But they pull it off. They do this by giving us hints and foreshadowing, the Kingkiller Chronicle talks of the things that happen to Kvothe before he says anything about them. The Great Gatsby gives enough foreshadowing to ease us into it. The Wheel of Time is just crazy. Nonetheless, they all do this like professionals, because they are.
A great way to relieve this piece from whiplash is set it to past tense, let the character talk to the reader like a grandparent when recounting a story.
Another is to strategically add foreshadowing where needed.
I don't have much to say here, so I'll shut up now.
Keep writing!
~-~ Jumpyspot ~_~




yakitsa says...


I've made changes! Will continue the 'whiplash' in part two!



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Fri Jan 02, 2015 4:43 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! Interesting story you have going on here... I've never seen anything quite like it.

Anyways, before I start screaming about all the good things in here, allow me to point out a few places for improvement.

I don't know if you did it on purpose, but the beginning of the story uses a lot of passive voice (wererunning instead of ran). It got better, but I felt that some of the places you used it could have gone without the helping verb.

Anyways, I did notice that you have tried to fix your dialogue tags. However, you've got your commas on the wrong side of the quotations! You got it right half of the time, but remember that all punctuation goes inside the quotations. (Easy mistake. I don't think Evalynne said where exactly they should go.)

This last bit is really just a suggestion and observation. You don't need to pay attention to it if you don't think it will help. However, I noticed that in your action scenes you still use very long sentences. That's okay, I mean it still flows, and I still get what's going on, but the problem with long sentences is that it slows down the reading. You can use the complexity and length of your sentences to basically control how fast your reader is going, and the faster the action, the faster you want them to read. Short, simple sentences can really quicken the pace.

And now that all of that is out of the way, I can move on and tell you what I liked.

You have great dialogue. It feels natural, and the emotions that go along with it are well written. The bit where Christine almost says her brother might die especially caught my attention.

Also, great use of vocabulary. The verbs and adjectives were so spot on, and each one was perfect for its placement. The fact that they were specific enough that you didn't need as much elaboration only made them better.

As for plot, I have to say I'm impressed. A lot of prologues don't do much for me, but this one seems connected, yet unconnected to the story in a way that will be very fun to figure out--the perfect way to go. Also, Christine's fate after this part, and the crime she and her brother committed are still unknown, which makes it even more intriguing.

I look forward to seeing where you take this piece. If you don't mind, could you let me know when you post chapter one?

Thanks for the awesome read!
-Buggie




yakitsa says...


I've made changes! Will continue the part cut out in 'part two'!



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Wed Dec 31, 2014 9:17 am
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Dutiful says...



DUDE THIS IS AWESOME! i WANT MORE!

AMAZING!




yakitsa says...


Thanks!



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Tue Dec 30, 2014 2:00 pm
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Evalynne wrote a review...



Hi! First off, can I say that this is a really good idea for a story, in my opinion, and I can't wait to see where it goes!

I love the 'crystal' part in the third-to-last paragraph, how it repeats it, and it shows that the crystal is a big part of the story, which shows us some information about it, without giving too much away, which I like. I'm not quite sure if the italics is entirely necessary - it could just work without being italicised, but really, that's up to you - and also, why was 'face' italicised. It might be by accident or whatever, but I just felt it was necessary to point out.

Second, and this is a rather common mistake, you wrote 'it's' instead of 'its'. The word 'it's' is a contraption, meaning that the apostrophe replaces a vowel which is missed out, making it one word or a shorter word, rather than two words or a longer word. The word 'its' however is possessive, so when you wrote '... water with it's crystal body ...' it should have been '...water with its crystal body ...' if that makes sense.

Another thing is your dialogue. The grammatically correct way to write dialogue is by using a comma at the end of a piece of dialogue if there is a tag - 'she said' or 'he said' would be examples of this - and beginning with a lowercase letter, unless it is a proper noun or a word like 'I'. When there is not a tag, but an action, it ends in a full stop, and the next line begins with an uppercase letter. The only exception to the full stop/comma rule is when other appropriate punctuation is used, such as '!' or '?' which can be used in both instances. This also applies before dialogue.

However, the punctuation must be inside the speech marks. You have, in most instances, used it outside of the speech marks, therefore disrupting the flow, and making it look confusing. The only time I don't think you have done this is in the fourth-to-last paragraph, when you used a full stop inside the speech marks, but a comma outside it, which really is ... Completely discombobulating.

However, grammar aside, I think this is a good idea, and the storyline intrigues me, so I can't wait to read more from you!

:)

Love,
Evalynne




yakitsa says...


Thanks! I'll make the grammatical corrections, your review was helpful!



yakitsa says...


I've made changes! Will continue the part cut out in 'part two'!




As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun