Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a fun little story. I really like this fairytale, folk talish vibe we have spread through the whole story and in that perspective something this outlandish makes a lot of sense and its quite funny in places too...so...in a nutshell I liked this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There once was a boy named Vladimir. He had three fingers on each hand. It wasn't always like this! When Vladimir was just a lad, he would hunt bears in the woods near his house. He would track the bear, spy on the bear, and then wrestle the bear and kill the bear. What weapons did he use, you ask? Why, he didn't use any weapons, unless you count Vladimir’s fists and sheer masculinity!

One summer’s morning, when the mist hung thickly in the air and the tall forest grass was wet with morning dew, the young wee-ling tripped and fell on the root of an Irish oak, plummeting into a pit full of chainsaws. That day, he lost pinky and ring finger on his left hand! After he climbed from the pit, he saw the tree root that had caused him to be mutilated and spat on it, and swore he would kill the next bear he saw with the mangled thing. So he broke it from its spot in the earth, and began to track a great bear.

Hours later, well into the afternoon, Vladimir saw the bear he had been tracking. This bear's name was Stanislav the mighty bear, and wielded a set of strong jaws with jagged teeth, capable of dooming every vigilant fool who challenged his territory. Vladimir showed himself to the bear, preferring a fight of honor than the cowardly approach of stealth. Stanislav laughed a roar of a laugh, eyeing his supposed hunter.

“Child, go back from whence you came. These woods are no place to play your games.”

But Vladimir stood his ground, wielding the cursed root in his massive fist. And so the boy fought with the bear. Vladimir punched Stanislav and Stanislav outlasted his barrage or blunt agony. Stanislav tore flesh from the arms and legs of Vladimir, and Vladimir outlasted the pain served by the mighty beast. Many hours past sunset, Vladimir knelt atop the bear, repeatedly smashing and bashing at the bear's face with his root. The root snapped, and with it went the protection from the bear. Just then, the bear lashed his jaws at Vladimir’s hand, taking his thumb and forefinger. But luckily for Vladimir, the bear’s neck was exposed. He thrust the broken root deep into the carnivores throat, and ripped and twisted and shoved and finally the bears eyes closed for the last time. Stanislav the mighty bear muttered his final words; “The pain you cause me… is unbearable.” Then his head rested on the ground, and Vladimir stood, triumphantly over the beast. He returned to his home not only with the deceased body of a beast, but he returned home a man.

The end.

'It wasn’t always like this!' - I'm not sure what you're aiming for here, but this actually sounds quite excited and happy and up-beat. That doesn't really fit.

'But one summer’s morning, when the mist hung thickly in the air and the tall forest grass was wet with morning dew.' - this isn't a full sentence. However, this is easy to fix. All you have to do is take out the word 'But'.

Also, the first paragraph should be split into two or three according to different events.

'This bear's name was Stanislav the mighty bear' - how does he know this? Has he named the bear? Is it wearing a name-tag?

'Child, go back from where you came.' - I enjoy this sentence but you can make it even more dramatic if you changed 'where' to 'whence'.

'Theses woods are no place to play your games.' - 'Theses' should be 'These'.

'barrage or blunt agony' - 'or' should be 'of'.

'bashing at the bears face' - 'bears' should be 'bear's'.

'into the Carnivores throat' - this shouldn't have a capital 'C' and it should be 'carnivore's'.

'“The pain you cause me… is unbearable.”' - take a new line for speech and it should be a : before this rather than a ;

'And Vladimir stood' - 'And' should be 'and'.


Your style is excellent. You have such a fluent vocabulary that this was incredibly smooth to read and to let myself sink into. I could picture it quite well, particularly the bear, and i could see a lot of blood, everywhere.

You haven't really mentioned much about the pain. I understand that sometimes adrenaline eliminates pain but you have to mention things like this and not make the reader do all the work.

Also, you have a very folk-lore type style. Maybe add in a few sentences where you talk directly to the reader, like a narrator.

I can see real potential here and I would be interested in helping you develop this so if you have any questions about my review, feel free to PM me.

Well done!

Happy Review Day!

All right, so I saw your replies to the reviews below. Since you said you really intended for the repetitions, then I won't add anything more to it. I will still, however, call your attention to a few other things. Before all that though, I'll tell you what I like about this piece.

For some reason, this gave me the feel that this is about one of those coming of age tests boys have to do so that their people would consider them men, capable of protecting and having their own family. It's quite entertaining with that thought in mind. I like how he doesn't give up despite losing fingers due to the chainsaws. If I were him, I might've ran home, scared out of my wits, hoping that someone would know how to reattach them. I also like how he's brave, though he's already injured - not to mention Vlad still won against the bear due to quick thinking. Talk about bring a survivor. Now, on to corrections!

He would track the bear, spy on the bear, and then wrestle the bear and kill the bear.

But one summer’s morning, when the mist hung thickly in the air and the tall forest grass was wet with morning dew. The young wee-ling tripped and fell on the root of an Irish oak, plummeting into a pit full of chainsaws.

That day, he lost pinky and ring finger on his left hand!

After he climbed from the pit, he saw the tree root that had caused him to be mutilated and spat on it, and swore he would kill the next bear he saw with the mangled thing. So he broke it from its spot in the earth, and began to track a great bear.

Many hours past sunset, Vladimir knelt atop the bear, repeatedly smashing and bashing at the bears face with his root.

hen his head rested on the ground, And Vladimir stood, triumphantly over the beast.

A beary good story, to improve don't use 'the bear' so much e.g. when you say 'Vladimir saw the bear he had been tracking. This bears name was Stanislav the mighty bear' you could say: 'Vladimir saw the bear he had been tracking, Stanislav The Mighty Bear' I just feel it makes the story flow a little more that way.

Okay, that was interesting. Wherever did you come up with such an idea? It makes for an interesting little tall-tale of sorts.

Improvements:

You use a little too much repetition in parts, such as saying "the bear" over and over. Experiment with other ways to say the same thing.

"Why, he didn’t use any weapons, unless you count Vladimir’s fists and sheer masculinity, then none!"

You probably don't need to say both "he didn't use any weapons" and "then none!" It basically repeats itself.

You often forget to use an apostrophe when using a possessive noun. Example- "The bears name" should be "The bear's name"

There's a few suggestions for you. Keep those in mind, and you could turn this into a fantastic piece. Good job!