z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Him

by MissGangamash


I watch him every day. He wears beautiful tailored suits and polished shoes. Eagle-featured with perfect hair, dark and slicked back with a widows peak. His skin is pale with not a wrinkle in sight. He is almost supernaturally flawless. Such a magnificent man. I understand why women adore him. He comes down the stairs a little after dark.

He flashes me a smile as he hands me his key. I stay professional and try to stop myself from blushing. He tells me he gives me his key when he leaves and retrieves it when he comes back just so that he can talk to me. My partner behind the counter sends me a look telling me to stop dilly-dallying. I place his key in the numbered box and watch him leave.

He comes back with a different woman every night. He winks at me when he retrieves his key and retreats to his room, wrapping his slender arm around the woman’s slim waist. All the girls have something in common. They are all stunningly beautiful and wear a gold necklace that is so monstrously thick it resembles a rope. A noose around their neck. The necklace reflects the light off the crystal chandelier that hangs overhead and it bounces around the walls. All eyes watch him. But no one sees what he is.

I clean his room after every week and someone else takes my place at reception. He is immaculate. Everything is so precise it doesn’t need my touch. But I stay anyway. I enjoy a little snoop. He has a jewellery box sat on the desk. I open it and see several rings. Women’s rings. They are all so different. Some with lustrous stones, some cheap and tacky. The rope-like necklace is also in there - wound round like a serpent protecting its treasure. How strange I thought it was at first. How every woman had the exact same necklace and that he also has a copy. But then I realised, there was only one necklace. The one in the jewellery box. He would give it each woman at the start of the night to show them that they had been chosen and then he would take it back from them when he was finished.

“You know what’s strange?” my partner at the desk asks when he disappears up the stairs with another woman in his arm.

“What’s that?” I look over at her. She is an old woman. A lot older than me. Married with two kids. Crow’s feet around her eyes.

“I never see those women leave. I’ve asked around, no one has,” she says nodding up the staircase.

“Funny that,” I reply, sounding disinterested but the words seemed to strangle my heart. I’m not curious like her. I had opened Pandora’s Box and I had learnt the secret.

One day, at dusk, like clockwork he sashays down the stairs and meets me at my counter. He places his elbows on the countertop and leans in to me. He is so close I can see my reflection in his dilated pupils. My breath comes out as a quiver. My heart is beating so heavy it seems to echo round the room. I should be fearful but he is still so alluring. There is silence. The tension between us is palpable. He then tucks his hand into his breast pocket and pulls out the gold necklace. He lets it dangle in the air between us. I study it in awe.

“You’re next,” he whispers. A chill runs up my spine. You know what they say about chills, don’t you? Someone has just walked over my grave.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
4102 Reviews


Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102

Donate
Fri May 07, 2021 8:26 am
View Likes
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a powerful little story here...you've certainly done a great job with the mystery building up there and then final that grand reveal where its implied our protagonist here will meet some sort of sticky end...just very nicely done here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I watch him every day. He wears beautiful tailored suits and polished shoes. Eagle-featured with perfect hair, dark and slicked back with a widows peak. His skin is pale with not a wrinkle in sight. He is almost supernaturally flawless. Such a magnificent man. I understand why women adore him. He comes down the stairs a little after dark.

He flashes me a smile as he hands me his key. I stay professional and try to stop myself from blushing. He tells me he gives me his key when he leaves and retrieves it when he comes back just so that he can talk to me. My partner behind the counter sends me a look telling me to stop dilly-dallying. I place his key in the numbered box and watch him leave.


Well...that's quite an interesting start that we've got here...definitely gets your attention as a reader. The emotions on the part of the women and how things work around her as she's standing there...it all blended together really well here to bring to life a very realistic picture here and I am loving it so far.

He comes back with a different woman every night. He winks at me when he retrieves his key and retreats to his room, wrapping his slender arm around the woman’s slim waist. All the girls have something in common. They are all stunningly beautiful and wear a gold necklace that is so monstrously thick it resembles a rope. A noose around their neck. The necklace reflects the light off the crystal chandelier that hangs overhead and it bounces around the walls. All eyes watch him. But no one sees what he is.


Well...this dude certainly has quite an air about him, and all these descriptions are lending themselves beautifully to conveying that.

I clean his room after every week and someone else takes my place at reception. He is immaculate. Everything is so precise it doesn’t need my touch. But I stay anyway. I enjoy a little snoop. He has a jewellery box sat on the desk. I open it and see several rings. Women’s rings. They are all so different. Some with lustrous stones, some cheap and tacky. The rope-like necklace is also in there - wound round like a serpent protecting its treasure. How strange I thought it was at first. How every woman had the exact same necklace and that he also has a copy. But then I realised, there was only one necklace. The one in the jewellery box. He would give it each woman at the start of the night to show them that they had been chosen and then he would take it back from them when he was finished.


Well we're definitely tapping into something somewhat supernatural there...this necklace definitely has quite an air of mystery about it...definitely has a lot of mystery behind all this and I love that. Also immaculate rooms....those are always signs of something mysterious...we all now this.

“You know what’s strange?” my partner at the desk asks when he disappears up the stairs with another woman in his arm.

“What’s that?” I look over at her. She is an old woman. A lot older than me. Married with two kids. Crow’s feet around her eyes.

“I never see those women leave. I’ve asked around, no one has,” she says nodding up the staircase.


SEE...immaculate rooms and supernatural necklaces are bad news....they always have been and they always will be....oh dear...well let's see how this ends up going.

“Funny that,” I reply, sounding disinterested but the words seemed to strangle my heart. I’m not curious like her. I had opened Pandora’s Box and I had learnt the secret.

One day, at dusk, like clockwork he sashays down the stairs and meets me at my counter. He places his elbows on the countertop and leans in to me. He is so close I can see my reflection in his dilated pupils. My breath comes out as a quiver. My heart is beating so heavy it seems to echo round the room. I should be fearful but he is still so alluring. There is silence. The tension between us is palpable. He then tucks his hand into his breast pocket and pulls out the gold necklace. He lets it dangle in the air between us. I study it in awe.

“You’re next,” he whispers. A chill runs up my spine. You know what they say about chills, don’t you? Someone has just walked over my grave.


Well...crap...that was one powerful ending there...oh dear...definite chills down my spine from reading through this thing...well...well..well some really powerful writing here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well...not too much left for me to say down here. It was definitely a great read. The story just comes together so well here. Well anyway that's all I've gotta say for now. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you for your review! Glad you found it intriguing and powerful.

Never trust a tidy man XD



User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 286
Reviews: 15

Donate
Wed Jan 20, 2016 11:51 am
MichaelaBobbin wrote a review...



AHHHH the potential!
I loved it, its dark, seductive and mysterious. We have got to hook you up with a publishing company. I can see this happening.
The way you set these pieces out, it beautiful. It's not just a random scene that don't make sense and leaves us full of questions.
I mean yeah their were question here but it was done in a way that filled in the gaps and we weren't left clueless, we were contented and knew what wasn't being said.
You have a gift.
That's all I can say. You. Have. The. Gift!!!!!
You need to let the world see this, please tell me your in this for the career because let me tell you its your calling, I Know potential when I see it and this - You are it.
Mikki - Fully addicted.






Haha, trust me I've been trying! Publishing houses just don't want me D: But must not give up!

I can't tell you how grateful I am for these amazing comments, you've really given me the boost to make writing my main priority and not just keeping it on the back burner so thank you, thank you, thank you!

Being an author is my main goal so fingers crossed!



User avatar


Points: 312
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed Nov 19, 2014 3:49 pm
Yuee says...



I love this!I could have never thought of something this amazing!A different point of view and so much more!Especially the ending.kinda ends with a quote but i love also that it ended with him taking it to her. Wow. Just wow. Clap to you!






Haha, thank you so much :') I'm glad you enjoyed it!



Yuee says...


Hehe xD yep



User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 795
Reviews: 15

Donate
Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:20 pm
CrazyWriter wrote a review...



OMG this is really good and as I was reading it I was thinking "I wonder where this could be going?" and I really did not expect this. I really did enjoy reading this and I hope there might be a sequel of some kind or something along these lines. I was on edge right until the last line and the end is an absolutely gorgeous cliff-hanger.
The only thing that I could criticize about it would be that there could have been a couple more clues in his room to grasp an idea of what is going on like a drop of blood in the bathroom or a secret drawer full of women's clothes or something like that; just to add a little more tension to keep me even more on edge! As I said, I really do like this story and can't wait to read anymore of what you write! I hope you check out a couple of my works too!!Xxxxx

CrazyWriter






Awh, thank you so much! Sadly there isn't a sequel =/ I was pondering over the idea but I just think it'd ruin it. This is supposed to be vague and the secret about 'him' is supposed to be unknown and so that's why there weren't a whole lot of clues as to what he's actually been doing... Which raises the question of how she was able to figure it out from such limited evidence... So many questions!

I will be uploading another gothic short story close to Review Day so I'll let you know when that is up :D And I'll check some of your work when I can ^_^

Thanks again for the review! xxxx



User avatar
91 Reviews


Points: 1931
Reviews: 91

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:51 pm
View Likes
Redbox275 wrote a review...



Hey there, great story. It's womderfully mysterious and I wonder what is going to happen next...if there is a part two. There are a few nitpicks though.

"He tells me he gives me his key when he leaves and retrieves it when he comes back just to talk to me."
The wording here is a bit confusing.
Also in the first paragraph I would split it up into two paragraphs. O e describing how great he is and then the action of what is going on.
Other then that great story!!






Thank you! I don't think there is going to be a part two. I played with the idea but I think I like it just how it is. I want people to make up their own minds about 'him'.

Thanks for the pointers! I'll sort them out :)



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 1092
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 11:51 pm
View Likes
PerksOfBeingAnna wrote a review...



This was very good. One thing I noticed, jewelry was spelled wrong. The way I just spelled it is correct. I am eager to find out what is to happen in this work. You need to update soon. I see you becoming a really good author in the future. I think the way you described the "gold necklaces" was very creepy. I loved it. Keep up the good work. You have great potential. Never give up on writing, because you are amazing at it. :)






Thank you so much! Jewellery is spelt right :) I think there's an English and an American way of spelling it. I'm pretty sure I'm not doing a continuation of this, it's supposed to be vague and leave you asking questions. I toyed with the idea of adding different scenarios to it, and revealing a different secret about 'him' each time, but I think it'd ruin it. I want people to have their own opinions of 'him'. If you do want to read more of my work though, I have another gothic short story up and the start of a vampire novel :)

Thank you so much again for the lovely review, and I'm not giving up anytime soon! :P



User avatar


Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 10:08 pm
View Likes



This was very well written. "They are all stunningly beautiful and wear a gold necklace that is so monstrously thick it resembles a rope. A noose around their neck" was my favorite line. The imagery in that was very powerful.
I actually did like that the story was so short. It leaves you guessing at who "he" is.






Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it :D It's nothing like anything I've written before so I didn't really know what people would make of it. Yay! Someone who understands what I was going for XD 'He' is supposed to be a mystery. Hell, even I don't know who/what he is.





The world may never know...



User avatar
112 Reviews


Points: 2094
Reviews: 112

Donate
Sun Oct 26, 2014 7:09 pm
View Likes
Ljungtroll says...



I feel like there should be more background to the characters. Also I feel like there should be more to the entire story instead of just this. Other than that this story is awesome. It truly makes me want to know more. You did pretty good!!!!! :)






It's supposed to be vague so it leaves you questioning :) The point is that the narrator knows (or thinks she knows) about 'him', but it's still a mystery to the reader. I was just experimenting with this piece, I haven't done anything else like it and I was just trying it out to see what people thought. I'm glad you liked it though :)



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sat Oct 25, 2014 12:00 am
View Likes
ambeezy says...



So I read what everyone was saying & I also think you should continue this story! I want to know what happens & the vampire's background story! With that being said, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your descriptions are so detailed. Awesome!






Gah! What are you guys doing to me?! Now I'm really tempted to continue it but I have no idea how! Even I don't know what his secret is XD So it's interesting you think he's a vampire... I'm thinking maybe I could do a few Part 2's with different scenarios, each part revealing a different dark secret. What do you think? Because when I think how it could continue and who/what 'he' is, I've come up with a few different ideas.

I'm glad you liked it anyway! And thanks for the review! :D



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 258
Reviews: 6

Donate
Fri Oct 24, 2014 7:41 pm
View Likes



I like what i read. I want to read more about what happens next. You have a real talent for writing and getting someone attention. Hope to read more of your work soon. I would love to know if she takes it or not.






Thank you so much :D Sadly, this has no continuation. I left it open for your own interpretation and make you ask questions. I had thought about making it a novella but then it just got way too dark in my head and I just couldn't write it XD I hope you check out my other stuff, I have another gothic short story up and the start of a novel :)

Thanks again for the review!



Random avatar

Points: 346
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Oct 24, 2014 6:49 pm
View Likes
lxvxjxpxtrxr wrote a review...



**GOOSEBUMPS**

This is outstanding. I'm reading this while at school and my friend notices the goosebumps rise on my arms! Ha-Ha! I love how the last sentence is a cliff-hanger. I want more! This piece is beautifully written, and I hope you plan on writing more, because I enjoyed this very much. Perfect in time for Halloween might I add. Your words paint a picture, make a movie. I'm basically saying it's very clear and that I understand it which is hard for me to do sometimes. I think maybe the rating is a little to generous. Ha-Ha! Maybe 12+ or 16+. But everything else is perfection! Keep up the good work, dear!

With love,
~j.rose






Thank you! People keep asking me to write more of this but I have absolutely no idea how I could continue :P The rating seems to be an issue but I thought it would be okay but there is nothing scary that has actually been written, it's all happening off the page. I have no idea how to change the rating anyway so I guess I'm stuck with it!

Glad you like it and thanks for the review!



User avatar
125 Reviews


Points: 5275
Reviews: 125

Donate
Fri Oct 24, 2014 5:11 pm
View Likes
BookWolf wrote a review...



Nicely written and quite entertaining. I just have to say that I don't think this should have been rated E. :D Maybe 12+ or something like that. This type is story isn't my genre, but I was looking for something to read. And I actually found myself enjoying this. Anyway, this might be something you can continue, I can see a good start.

Bye for now!

~BookWolf






Thank you :D I went back and forth between E and 12 but I thought because it's all very vague it could pass as E so I think I'll keep it as that. And also, I have no idea how to change the rating XD I'm glad you enjoyed it :) I was just experimenting with writing styles and its supposed to open to interpretation so there will be no continuation.

Thanks again for the review!

Bye!



BookWolf says...


No problem! And I can see where you are coming from by rating it E. You're right, it is very vague. But I still don't think some 5 year old should come on here and read this. (Not that I think 5 year olds are on here! lol)

Bye!




I continue to be a reverse hipster, I only do things after they've ceased being cool
— BluesClues