I feel it each time I breathe. Air flows in and out, but the normal smoothness and fluidity of the act has fled, replaced instead by the asphyxiating sensation of water being forced down my throat.
I know what it’s like to drown, to shamelessly gasp for air that will never come. I stared up through the clear blue water and tried to break the surface of the pool with my head, but the water pushed me down and seized a selfish grip on me in the deepest chambers of its heart.
In my own heart I’ve sensed a poison. I swallowed it silently through gritted teeth and a gorgeous smile. Though I shook, I held myself and managed to let it sit, let it spread. Now, when I try to stand up tall I feel it slowly weighing me down. I am sinking from within. The effect is almost imperceptible.
The best way to lie is with a smile. That way, when I look in the mirror I can almost believe it too. But something is crumbling beneath the surface. I see sharp teeth and jagged edges, porous skin and puffy eyes. This can’t be my reflection. This is not who I want to be.
A parasite is feeding off of my soul. The effect is almost imperceptible.
How can I be free when my body is its own kind of prison? Liberate me from myself! From the treacherous caverns of my mind plagued with the diseases of resentment and doubt. The longer I dwell on my thoughts, the deeper into the darkness I descend. It can’t be much longer until it swallows me whole, just like the water.
Suffocating from the polluted comfort of his love is almost art. Words drip from his lips like loose saliva devoid of meaning. Still, I swallow it. Swallow it along with the other feigned kisses and embraces and sticky ejaculations of sentiment because they are all I will ever get.
How can I love him when the girl in his locket is not me?
How can I love with a poisoned heart?