Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » General

12+

a day on the beach

by ehte92


Flames burning from the horizon, painting half of the sky and the sea in its essence. The magical reddish hue. The sun is finally setting, and I am still sitting in this empty canvas of sand, looking at the sun catching its cool after a long stressful day filled with turmoil. If the sun being such a massive celestial object ultimately gets its head to be calm and cool, then why can't we humans manage it?



Even after sitting on this beach the whole day looking at how the sea goes wild one moment and like a tamed animal the next, makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. Why can't I stop thinking about things that trouble me? Why can't I stop craving for people who have left me all alone? Why can't I?



So finally the sun has gone home and sent it's tiny little white brother in its place, but it's not like the sun; makes me wonder though. Not every finger is the same, not every person are the same. Then why try and make a society whose people are forced to follow and do the same damn things? That's just wrong.



Only one thing the moon does better than the sun; the cool breeze. It's like I can feel the beauty of "Aura" on my body. She tends to rip off all the worries from me and take it away on her endless treacherous journey across the globe. I hope you know Aura? See, I like to imagine the breeze as Aura, the divine personification of the breeze.



I close my eyes and I feel Aura touching my face like my mother used to until she decided to leave me alone too. I move my head in the directions the breeze flows. As I open my eyes, I feel a glimmer of light falling on my eyes from a distance. Well, what do we have here? The saviour of the troubled ships at sea, the mighty lighthouse. I had never seen a lighthouse infront of my eyes except for in video games and movies, and I didn't even notice it the whole day. Weird.



I had always thought of a lighthouse to look like Barad dur which held the Eye of Sauron, maybe Tolkien had taken inspiration from a lighthouse. I gotta get to the top of that thing.



Wow! Those are a hell lot of stairs.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1542 Reviews


Points: 171770
Reviews: 1542

Donate
Wed May 12, 2021 1:19 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well...this was a nice relaxing little story to review here at the end of the day. A little bit of sad backstory maybe creeping through but for the most part it was a lot of beautiful and relaxing description and I did like it quite a bit.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Flames burning from the horizon, painting half of the sky and the sea in its essence. The magical reddish hue. The sun is finally setting, and I am still sitting in this empty canvas of sand, looking at the sun catching its cool after a long stressful day filled with turmoil. If the sun being such a massive celestial object ultimately gets its head to be calm and cool, then why can't we humans manage it?


Okay....well...interesting start to say the least. Lovely bit of description and quite a question there as well....let's see where this leads us then shall we?

Even after sitting on this beach the whole day looking at how the sea goes wild one moment and like a tamed animal the next, makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. Why can't I stop thinking about things that trouble me? Why can't I stop craving for people who have left me all alone? Why can't I?


Ooooh, now we're getting some very interesting questions. Sensing some proper turmoil in the backstory of this person...oh dear....well...let's see what this is all about...

So finally the sun has gone home and sent it's tiny little white brother in its place, but it's not like the sun; makes me wonder though. Not every finger is the same, not every person are the same. Then why try and make a society whose people are forced to follow and do the same damn things? That's just wrong.


Well...that's a great observation...also a great line...not sure how its connected to the earlier two paragraphs but I'm just rolling with this at the moment, let's see where it ends up taking us.

Only one thing the moon does better than the sun; the cool breeze. It's like I can feel the beauty of "Aura" on my body. She tends to rip off all the worries from me and take it away on her endless treacherous journey across the globe. I hope you know Aura? See, I like to imagine the breeze as Aura, the divine personification of the breeze.


Okay...more fun information...again though...this feels like its a tiny bit disconnected from one thing to another...but heyy...we're getting some nice descriptions along the way and maybe it just feels disconnected because we're getting one thing per paragraph....maybe....might just be me..

I close my eyes and I feel Aura touching my face like my mother used to until she decided to leave me alone too. I move my head in the directions the breeze flows. As I open my eyes, I feel a glimmer of light falling on my eyes from a distance. Well, what do we have here? The saviour of the troubled ships at sea, the mighty lighthouse. I had never seen a lighthouse infront of my eyes except for in video games and movies, and I didn't even notice it the whole day. Weird.


Okay...first of all....#relatable...I've definitely missed far more obvious things while being caught up in looking at nature...and also now that was a much smoother transition there...I liked that...its got a touch of that backstory seeping in and some more nice descriptions.

I had always thought of a lighthouse to look like Barad dur which held the Eye of Sauron, maybe Tolkien had taken inspiration from a lighthouse. I gotta get to the top of that thing.

Wow! Those are a hell lot of stairs.


Well that was a sudden ending...almost a little cartoonish...see lighthouse and the suddenly...we're just climbing...well that brings an end to quite a fun little story there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this was a really fun little story to read here. Loved the overall vibe here...it had a couple of things that I think could do with a tiny bit of improving but ehh...other than those aforementioned things that I've pointed out above...this was pretty good. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 5093
Reviews: 99

Donate
Fri Sep 26, 2014 3:32 pm
babymagic18 wrote a review...



First things first, the title. The "a" needs to be capitilized. The "d" in day needs to be capitilized. The "b" in beach needs to be capitilized.

"The magical reddish hue." This could go more along the line of, "The magic of its reddish hue."
The following sentence needs to be fixed. There are too many big words too close together.

"Even after sitting on this beach the whole day..." I feel this sentence could be made stronger with it say starting with- "Having spent the day sitting here..."

Why has this individual been left alone? At this point it would be a good time to insert this information.

"So finally the sun has gone home and sent its tiny little white brother in it's place."
"So finally" Omit this. "tiny little" omit one or the other. Both words describe each other.
"not every person are the same." The "are" in the sentence needs to be changed to "is".

"on her endless treacherous journey." I don't like the use of "treacherous" when trying to describe something peaceful."

Can we please get a reason as to why this person is alone? This being the second time you've mentioned it with no explanation. This hurts the story.

"infront" Seperate as they are two seperate words.

Last sentence needs badly to be omitted.




User avatar
75 Reviews


Points: 2803
Reviews: 75

Donate
Fri Sep 26, 2014 3:22 pm
Hassanfs wrote a review...



I really enjoyed reading this.
Was feeling a bit stressed after a really long day battling chemistry, and this worked wonders.
Made me calm and relaxed and I could feel the breeze against my face. The imagery you created through the descriptions was amazing, and I loved how you merged the visual descriptive parts with the introspective thinking going through the narrator's mind.

I was confused towards the end, though. I think the light house the narrator refers to is a metaphor and not an actual thing. But that cast the idea in my mind that maybe the entire elements of the sea and the moon and the sun were being used metaphorically. So that made me a leeeettle confused. But what I really found confusing was that I liked the confusion. It gave a different vibe to this piece of writing. Don't know if that was intentional or not, but great job.

I loved this. :)


Hassan





"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk