Young Writers Society

hi dear
i think verse 2 is the best part of this poem because of its meaning and because i could get to the rhythm of it more than other parts.
about the first verse...i cant actually communicate with two last sentences
''I can't believe all the things that are happening

And I can't deal with the pain it's bringing''
both for the rhythm and the meaning.
and i think the worst part of this poem that is not actually connected to the verses is the chorus.it is so meaningless despite of the verses that have good meaning.
good luck

Hey WindSailor,

I thought I'd stop by and give this a review since it was in the Green Room and things are getting so hectic in there!

I think the content is really good for a song. You keep things nice and flowing which allows us to get through the words clearly and you give space for repetition. For instance, if you miss something in the first verse, you can pick up the theme of it in the second verse. This is a good structure for the type of things in the song itself.

I do think, however, that this song is a bit too short. First think of a song that's about as long as the song you want to make. If you look up the lyrics, you'll find that usually, they're about double, if not triple this size. This song, thus, is really small and could use some things to make it longer.

Another aspect of this that you might want to consider is that this song doesn't follow the typical style of a song. It doesn't have a bridge, for instance, which is a part that carries from the first chorus to a new meaning of the chorus, and usually can transition to a new or final verse which is the altered "chorus" or something like that. I'm not an expert in songs DX. Anyway, I do know that they usually go V1, C, V2, C, B, C which might just be repeating the chorus 5 times at the end, or it might be saying an altered chorus. The point is, you could make this longer if you wanted to.

A third thing to consider, if you wanted to edit this song, is the change in tense. We go from me, to you, which, while bringing things home to a new level, actually makes the song a little less familial to me because while I was fine thinking about it in terms of "you" or the first person for the song, thinking about how struggles and pains are fine for this "I" character having it come home to me with struggles and pains seems very intrusive to me. It's almost like saying, "You can't hide it, I see you feel this too" so it sort of is off-putting in my head. I think if you made it all, you, or all I, or even transitioned to "people" as a third person omniscient, it would be easier than having the you, but that's up to, well, you XD see what I did there? This is just my opinion and I have no basis for this suggestion but personal reaction.

Anyway, I think to improve, you should/could make it longer, and play with your pronouns a bit. Otherwise, the rhythm, rhyme, and pacing of the song is really good.

Heya, WindSailor. IronSpark here for a really (and I mean really) quick review. Here we go...

Wow, this is great. I was just wondering if you could use a bit more punctuation to make the lyrics a little more clear. Sometimes the verse seems to be a bit hard to read...

Also, was this cut off? It feels like it could be longer. Also, what do you mean by "No matter what you do they're there always"

Great job!

-IronSpark