z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Chapter 1 Fallen Angelle

by Soulfulwriter


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

 She is at the top of Sesagar Hill, a very high hill near the beach. There are dark clouds starting to glide in and pour down rain; heavily. She is watching the war happen; unlike in the other dream where she is the Mystical that betrayed them. "It's the war." She whispers as she watches closely. The once beautiful beach that her and her friends love is now covered in blood and body parts of both Imari and Mystical. She didn't really know why the war was going on or how it even got started. She watched as it raged on and more body parts are slashed and gutted on the beach. Imaris shooting Mysticals while Mysticals defend their home and rip apart Imaris, some eat them while others suck them dry or their life forces and blood. ---- The dream does a drastic scene change now. The sea Mystical or what looks to be a sea Mystical drops the Infinities in the hands of a male Imari; smiling. The human smiles and eyes the wards; examining them to make sure they are the real thing and not some trick. "So, can I be human now? Like you promised me?" She squints at her reflection in the eyes of the Imari. She knew who the sea Mystical is, but didn't know its name. But, she had seen the Mystical around town always moping and pouting about what ever. And would tell anyone that would listen, how bad its life is. The Imari laughs uproariously, "Stupid, foolish sea creature. There is no way to turn you into a human without killing you." He pockets the wards as he confesses his lie and pulls out a hand gun. "You are so foolish and desperate, it's so pathetic." A shot rang.

Angelle sits on the beach of the Tropical Island where she lives called Euphoria Island. Euphoria is an island that's roaming with Mysticals of all kinds, also inhabits. However, Angelle is the only Imari (human) on the Island. Though the princess of a royal vampire family, Angelle never fully grasp the concept of how she came out Imari with no trace of vampire in her, except her blood. But, her two siblings; Donatello 17 years old and Gianna 14 years old are these fierce and powerful vampires along with their parents. Shaking her head, Angelle looks around the semi-empty beach. Most Mysticals are at work and the stay-at-home Mysticals have taken their children to the beach or the farmer's market for food and clothes.

Angelle wiggles her toes in the cool sand as the sun is setting on the horizon. Angelle always thought that the sunrise and the sunset is the most beautiful part of living on Euphoria. Checking her watch, she stands up and brushes her shorts off, tucking her auburn colored hair behind her ear and makes her way home.

Her family Queen Cayenne and King Vicsin rules the Southern part of Euphoria Island.

Angelle walks into the semi-mansion Victorian house and is greeted by the smooth melody of the grand piano that her brother; Donatello sits at all the time trying to perfect his ''musical genesis". Their mother sits in her favorite blue and black recliner with Gianna by her side. Angelle could remember Gianna would always sit at their mother's feet and watch her sew, closely. She figures that Gianna finally got their mom to show her how to sew, Gianna had nagged their mom for weeks about it.

Angelle ambles to her room to be stop half way by the female housemaid named Tricia Owens. Tricia is a Nymph that has worked for the Dragonov family for a few years now. Angelle looks at Tricia trying to figure out what she wanted, trying to read her mind to see if any of her powers have come in yet. Angelle stops trying realizing that they have not.

With a nervous stutter, Trici let it be known, "Dinner will be ready soon."

Angelle smiles and places a friendly hand on Tricia's shoulder, "Thank you."

The kind gesture makes Tricia smile and gives Angelle's hand a gentle squeeze. She then makes her way downstairs to tell the rest of the family about dinner being almost ready. Angelle continues upstairs to her room which is at the is at the very top of the semi-mansion. She loves being up in her room because she could see the entire island and what almost everyone is doing. The melody of the piano still playing, she sits at her padded window sill and looks out to the island. The island is extremely huge and is protected by 15 magical wards called Infinities that are in the ocean's depths. No one has to worry about any Imari trying to invade Euphoria because of the Infinities. Angelle thought it is cool how the Infinities everyone when she learned about them in school, her first year attending Morningstar Head start for the intelligently gifted.

If any Imari were to ever set eyes on Euphoria the Infinities would erase their memory of ever coming across the beautiful island. Also, the island is not on any map or ship's radar. Angelle smiles knowing that her parents went through great lengths to protect their family and other families as well.

A knock on her blue metal door interrupts her train of thought, "Come in, dad." Her father, a slender man with deep amber eyes and a smooth chocolate complexion enters, closing the door with his mind he stands by his daughter. He too stares out the window. Angelle figures that now would be a good time to tell her father about the strange dreams that she has been having for the past 4 months now. "Quite peaceful, isn't it?" Her father acknowledges the island.

Angelle smiles still looking out the window as the sun slowly set and some of the Mysticals try to get last minute things done. She feels her father's eyes on her, making her look up at him. "Father?" Her voice holds concern.

He is folding his arms across his broad chest as he is prepared to listen to his youngest daughter. "Yes, Angel?"

"What would happen if the Imaris found out about Euphoria?"

A very grim expression covers his face, "A horrible war would happen, shattering many lives here and disturbing the peaceful tranquil that is Euphoria. Why? What worries you, Angel?"

Angelle goes back to staring out the window, "I keep having these strange dreams that someone on this island is going to put us all in danger. The same dream all the time, so I often wonder what would happen to everyone here if something like that were to happen."

He places a reassuring hand on Angelle's shoulder and offers a very warm smile. "Some will stay to help fight while others will flee understandingly. As for your dreams, I am sure that you just have a lot on your mind with school finals and that . . . college study."

Angelle laughs at her father's ability to try and remember all that she tells him. She corrects him, "The college state test, and father."

"Meh." He shrugs his shoulders in a playful manner. "Now, get washed up for dinner." He leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

She struts into her bathroom that is in her room. Except for her parent's room, her room has a bathroom attachment as well. She and Gianna fought heavily over the tower room, but Angelle won when she told her mom and dad why she needed the most privacy. She stares into her bright silver eyes, light brown skin complexion, and her auburn curly hair that stops at her ribcage. She runs the water, washes her face and hands, then makes her way downstairs to the dining room where her family is waiting for her.

Angelle's place at the table is always by her father however there are times when Gianna would take her seat for no reason at all. Not this time though, Gianna's usual place is always by their mother. Angelle nibbles on her bottom lip as she cuts into her steak; medium rare. Everyone sat and ate in silence, until Gianna speaks up, "Angelle got called into the office today."

That stops everyone from eating including Donatello, they stare at Angelle. Angelle never understood why Gianna loved to try and get her in trouble. Keyword: TRY meaning never succeeding in doing so. But, their parents knew better, they knew that Angelle never got in trouble at school except for one time. And that wasn't even her fault. Angelle corrected a teacher's grammar and the teacher sent Angelle to the office.

Angelle sighs, putting her knife and fork down on the napkin on the table. She begins to explain why she was called to the office, "I got called because the Principal Mr. Kanzaki wanted to give me my test scores for that math college test thing I did last week in the library, along with a few other carefully selected students."

Gianna sighs, her jealousy steams from Angelle being completely Imari and smart also having a lot of friends. Gianna knew that she would never get the chance to see what it would be like to be Imari. Instead of asking, Gianna bullies and makes up false problems in hopes to get Angelle kicked out or worse...exiled. Gianna also has no friends at school and does nothing without her mother. She has her mom's eyes and her dad's skin color.

Donatello goes his own way, he realized his musical talent when he was 7 years old and did some kind of drum move on his desk with his pencils and was sent to the music room. Since then, Donatello has been trying to perfect every instrument known to man. His greatest challenge instrument is the grand Xico Piano that set in the living room. The reason is because it has more keys than a normal piano and the foot pedals on the piano was crafted weirdly but Donatello loved it. He has his dad's eyes and his mother's skin complexion.

"Oh, you got the results for that back?" Their father smiles as he chews his steak.

Angelle nods and continues to cut her steak up, then begins eating. She pulls a sheet of folded paper out of her dress pocket and hands it to her mother. Her mother takes it, looking at her youngest daughter, unfolding the paper. She looks at it and her golden eyes widen in shock. "She aced that test!" She passes the paper down to her husband. He looks over it and cheers. Gianna slunk down in her chair and starts to push her food around on her plate. Angelle smiles.

Angelle is different from her siblings and parents. She doesn't have any powers of any kind, of course that has been explained somewhat to her. She also doesn't look like either her mother or father. But, she strongly resembles the family's ancestor that started the Laroux and Dragonov family; Arrianna Lovelace-Laroux. Even though, Angelle has no powers, she tries really hard to make up for it by being smart and energetic.

Everyone goes around the table and tells all about their day. Donatello tells how he got a 'B' in one History class in the high school that he is in. Gianna only speaks of how she got in trouble for skipping class. She tells on herself a lot because she knows that their parents would find out eventually that she wasn't in school and would be grounded for 5 months.


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81 Reviews


Points: 9485
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Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:06 pm
Masquerade wrote a review...



Hi. Happy review day! Well this chapter honestly has a ton of grammatical errors, which were rather distracting while trying to read and enjoy the story. I'll start with some of those"

She is watching the war happen; unlike in the other dream


You do this a lot in this piece. The semicolon should be a comma because these are not two complete sentences being joined, but one is a fragment.

that her and her friends love


This should be "she and her friends."

sunset is the most beautiful thing in the world


You do this a lot as well. The subject-verb agreement is incorrect. Since you're talking about two things, the sunset and the sunrise, the verb should be "are" and "thing" should be "things."

Trici let it be known


You also do this a couple times. You've accidentally switched to past tense even though most of the story is written in present tense. "Let" should be "lets."

she could see the entire island


Here you switched to past tense again. "Could" should be "can."

protected by 15 magical wards


Generally numbers should be spelled out, so 15 should be written as "fifteen." There are a lot of instances in this piece where you write it as numbers instead, so I'd watch out for that.

So this story wasn't bad, but you gave a ton of exposition which felt like a bit much at times. It's best to try to reveal exposition as naturally as you can in the story instead of just dropping information in. I also thought the first paragraph could have been divided into a few paragraphs, which would have made it easier to read and understand. It felt a bit dense.

Happy writing!

-Masq




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:22 am
Soulkana wrote a review...



Hi Soulful!

I must say I find this chapter very interesting! I loved the concept though there are a few things I wanted to point out. If there's a dream, don't let us know that by clearly stating it. It builds suspense in a way. But because I didn't read your prologue, I can't really tell you everything since I don't know the full story yet. I still enjoyed your characters and your descriptions. I wonder what will happen next and what the dreams meant for Angelle and her family.

The interaction between Angelle and her sister, Gianna, kinda of reminds me of sisters but I think you could be a bit more descriptive of their overall relationship in a way. I can't wait to read more of this and am hoping to read the prologue soon so I can understand this story's plot and enjoy it more so. I wonder about the powers the family has and just what Angelle's connection with her ancestor is.

Sincerely,
Soulkana




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Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:06 pm
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haylstormsx says...



Okay, first off: formatting-
-I wouldn't use the ~~~ as break sections
-Don't tell us it's a dream

I think you have a really interesting idea here, but the beginning is a bit info--dumpy. Try to include the world building elements in a conversation or in some kind of action. One of the biggest rules of writing is "Show, not Tell."

There's a lot of telling in this chapter and not that much showing. Like I said though, you definitely have a great idea here!






THANK YOU




I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope