z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dawn of the Daughter of God-Chapter 8

by ThereseCricket


Author's note: The entire time I was reading this, I kept getting the impression that it was going too fast, but let me know what you think. Also, please tell me if you think I should add more description in places. Would be appreciated. Thanks!

Joan’s eyes widened and she smiled at him. “I was born and raised on a farm. Life didn’t revolve around war and the world, and we never really cared much for it.”

“Even with that, did you ever think that other people might forget what’s important?” Jean asked, his eyes darkening with anticipation as he watched her.

“Of course,” she replied. She reached across with her left hand and yanked down on her sleeve. Her lips tightened in a slight grimace. “Human nature is flawed, so we obviously wouldn’t always focus on what’s most important at the moment, but rather on the little stuff that doesn’t really matter in the big picture.”

Jean nodded, “I agree with you. You seem to have either thought about this, or were taught by somebody who has, though.”

The grimace on her face smoothed away, and a smile replaced it. “I talked with my confessor, and have often thought about such matters. It didn’t seem right to me, that I should only focus on the matters of the world, but also on the spiritual world.”

She really does seem very holy, Jean thought wondrously. Even her wording is so correct, that it’s hard to think that she’s being misled.

A shifting in the formation, caused Jean’s horse to move slightly away from her, and turning around to see the cause of the change, he saw the litter carrying the girl moving away from the main group and towards the forest.

Frowning, Jean ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Did you order her to be moved?”

Joan’s eyebrows turned down in a frown. “No…” she said, trailing off in her speech, as she turned around to see what he was looking at. “I told them to put her in the back with the doctors.”

Halfway wheeling her horse around, Joan stopped her horse in the thick of soldiers. They passed around her, in little trickles—not taking notice of her sudden halt.

“They directly disobeyed my orders!” she exclaimed. Glaring in Gourcout’s direction, she turned firmly around and clapped her heels into the horse’s side, causing it to jump forward. It narrowly missed a line of soldiers that quickly jumped out of the way.

Glancing at Jean, she whispered to him out of the corner of her mouth. “Am I supposed to confront Sier de Gourcout about this, or do I just deal with it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t bother with that just yet,” Jean said. “You should look at what’s ahead of you.”

Joan turned and looked beyond the dusky forest, and road.

“Blois!” she exclaimed. “I thought we weren’t going to arrive without another four hours of travel!”

With one tree cutting into his line of sight, Jean could see a single tower rising up above the forest line. Shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun, he tried to see what the purpose of the tower was, from its top.

With the sun glinting off it, Jean could make out the outline of a bell within its dark depths. Must be a bell tower of some sorts, he thought, of a monastery or church.

The tree momentarily covered the entire tower, and then reappeared, the clear white stone shining like a beacon.

“That is Blois, right?” Joan asked, her voice rising in excitement.

She has forgotten the girl, Jean thought. No matter. She’ll remember soon.

“Yes, it’s Blois,” Jean replied, a faint smile appearing on his lips. “That must be a tower from one of the churches.”

“How long until we get there?” she inquired, her voice full of curiosity now.

Jean ran his eye over the position of the army and then over to where he could just start seeing Blois. Although, the tower could be seen, far off, only faint glimpses of the rest of the city could be spotted from his viewpoint. “Around an hour, if we’re lucky.”

He turned to look at her and smiled. “Even with God on your side, it will take a while to get an entire army into Blois. You will have to be patient.”

“Is she going to be brought in with us?” she asked.

“Who brought in with us?”

“The girl,” she replied patiently. “The one who we found beaten on the road.”

“Oh, yes. I remember. I had wondered if you were going to recall her, sooner or later.” He smirked. “After you’d seen Blois, for the first time, that is.”

“I never forgot her,” she said. “Just put that matter to the back of my mind to focus on what is ahead is all.”

She reasons like a leader, Jean thought. Thinks of what is important, before all else.

“She will be brought in with us. But I doubt she’ll be allowed past the walls.”

Joan nodded and smiled. “I understand. Better safe than sorry, when dealing with possible witchcraft.” She nodded towards the road, her dark hair swinging forward as she did. “She won’t be put with the men, right?”

Jean sighed, and shook his head. “Not if you get your way, she won’t. She’ll be put somewhere proper; I can assure you of that.”

He could hear the sound of the bell ringing now. They must be ringing for the Angelus now. It’s nearly six a’ clock. He smiled, and remembered the monks in the monastery on top of the hill back home. They always sang it beautifully.

Taking his mind away from the ringing pearly sounds, he remembered her. What they had been talking about earlier, and her endless questions, pertaining to the supposed witch.

He glanced at her, but only saw the side of her face. She was staring ahead at the bells, her lips moving. Her horse moved slightly towards the pages on the other side of her, but she did nothing to stop it. She only sat there; in her saddle, not a muscle twitching, except for the movement of her lips.

Shaking his head, he began to pull his horse slightly away from hers. Would be best to not distract her, in her prayers.

The horse snorted lightly through its nose, before moving, but grudgingly moved after a sharp prod to its gut. Stubborn horse, Jean thought, smirking.

Glancing behind, he noticed the soldiers pointing towards the tower and jostling each other in excitement and out of line. Nobody enjoys three days on the road, he mused. Not even the hard core soldiers of France.

One of the soldiers riding in front of the first group of foot soldiers, snapped an order, and the lines went uniform straight once again.

Jean smiled inwardly. “If only they all listened so well,” he muttered to himself, his lips twitching with humor. “The world would be a better place, I’m sure.”

Ignoring the light breeze grabbing at his brown locks, he leaned down and tightened his stirrup.

“Trouble with the horse?” Joan asked her voice merry.

Jean grinned and sat up straight again. “Not really. Just fixing my stirrup. It came loose again.”

She nodded, her eyes still snapping with slight merriment. “You have a problem with that, it seems.”

“You might want to keep the so-called witch in mind, when we go in,” Jean warned. “I don’t know how Sier de’ Gourcout works exactly, but you should keep an eye on her, just in case.”

“I understand, “Joan answered softly. She smiled wryly. “He didn’t seem pleased with you, when we were discussing the girl.”

Jean’s laugh sounded above the clamor of marching feet. “I haven’t had experience with him before this, but I think he just wants to protect his troops.”

“That does make sense,” Joan admitted. “A lot of sense actually.”

Her eyes moved away from his face and towards the direction of the tower. “Look!” she cried, excitement brimming once more in her voice. “You can see part of the town now!”


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Mon Sep 01, 2014 5:53 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Therese!

I am going to be keeping this short due to time limits and the fact that I don't have much things to say! You've done a pretty good job here and I see previous reviewers have picked out most things already. I love how they have arrived and I can't wait to see how and where this journey is going to be going once they've all settled down. How will the war? How many of the soldiers will actually listen to Joan's words and not try to defy her? I can't wait to see. You've been holding on to the suspense for quite the while! It seems the girl from the which hunt before is still causing a cause for talk and all. Hm, I wonder what she will be coming to as well...

You seem to have either thought about this, or were taught by somebody who has, though.”


Ooh, Joan doesn't find this insulting in the slightest? I perceived it as her not being smart enough to think of this matter on her own, which makes it a possibility someone wiser than her discussed or informed her about this case. I am surprised the woman didn't take it the wrong way. Also, this sentence is better if you cut the 'though' at the end. It seems kind of uselessly strung along there.

The tree momentarily covered the entire tower, and then reappeared


I think you mean 'then it reappeared.' Without the it, it seems like the tree is reappearing instead of the building, and I know you don't mean that.

I am going to comment on setting description as you asked me to. Although I did feel the excitement that she must've felt at finally seeing Blois come into view, I did feel like the description was a bit rushed and not convincing. There was enough detail to make these towers appear in my mind or seem breath taking. They kind of fell flat by way of description, if I am going to be completely honest. I know you can do it well though ^^ Just picture it in your mind and tell us what you see. I can envision the bell, but not the body of it or anything around it, connected to it or any of the town beyond it. Sure, this is a church tower, but can't they see a few houses in the distance from it?

“You can see part of the town now!”


But couldn't Joan see parts of the town before this statement? Now that has me confused...

Looking forward to the next chapter! It certainly isn't going too fast at all, or too slow. Except in posting xD I want to be reading more!

Deanie x






*feels ashamed* I know I've been slacking in writing... xD Microsoft word was busted for like four days or something!

Hmm, I didn't think it was insulting that bit. I'll switch it around to where nobody would think that, cause he wasn't trying to insult her! :P Lol, just saying stuff along the lines of what he thought her education level was and stuff. Will fix that!

Yeah, I'll be working on that description part Livvy. Thanks for making it soo clear as to where you'd want it and stuff. I appreciate that!

Thank you so much for this amazing review! :D



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Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:07 pm
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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey, Therese, my dear Cuz! I am finally here :)

Okay, I thought in the few paragraphs where the girl was mentioned needed some thinking through. You put in italics Jean think about how Joan has forgotten about the girl, and then when Joan asks if she is coming along, Jean asks who. I thought that was a little strange seeing as he has just said she will remember soon. I suppose someone like me would forget that instantly, but Jean seems like a smart, not easily forgetful man. So would he forget so easily? I just think you should reconsider that part. Maybe you could put him saying, "The girl?" and she says, "Yes." but I honestly think that Jean would instantly forget about the girl. It is up to you, I might have got his character wrong ;)
I agree with Timmy about their surroundings. Describing them a little bit more is needed - and I know when you do describe in more detail, it will be fabulous. You are a great writer, Therese! I know you can do it easily enough. You do skip between emotions a little too fast - but you really do present your characters ever so well. I really enjoyed seeing mentally how excited Joan was to be so close to Blois. I felt the her excitement. I can't wait till they arrive! And see what awaits them.

Glaring in Gourcout’s direction, she turned firmly around and clapped her heels into the horse’s side, causing it to jump forward. It narrowly missed a line of soldiers that quickly jumped out of the way.
Glancing at Jean, she whispered to him out of the corner of her mouth. “Am I supposed to confront Sier de Gourcout about this, or do I just deal with it?”

This bit was slightly unclear. Was Gourcout there? Or did she mean somewhere further down the line where she "supposed" he was? I think what threw me off was when she asked Jean id she should confront him. I was like: She just exclaimed that he had disobeyed her orders and glared un his direction, how could she just ask Jean that? She just said it out loud! So maybe you want to just adjust that slightly :)
Great chapter, m'dear!
Keep it up!

Yours sincerely,
Traunt






OMG! Thank you soo much for the review cousin! I admit, the part in the beginning had worried me, but I thought it wasn't that big a deal when I first wrote it. Now I see that it really is, and I appreciate you telling me about it!

Oh, and more description will be added next chapter! I'll do it! I promise, more description will be coming along. Now that I know that you both caught onto it, it is really an issue and I'll fix it pronto! :D



IamTraunt says...


No problem, cuz! XD I know whatever you do with your story, it will be awesome <3



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Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:01 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

Well, about time!

But anyway, here I am, and here let's go. I thought this was a very refreshing change of chapters from the trip across the road each time, and what transpired over that period of time on the road, to at least seeing that they are coming somewhere. I mean, there is a place for the other chapters, I think. They were fine, written beautifully, and achieved what you set out to do - bring them closer together and closer to Blois at the same time. But now we begin to see a change in their environment, and they are going to Blois. There isn't much background on Blois that we get in here, so I assume that you will fill us in when we get there, because, quite honestly, I don't even know where Blois is, much less if it's French or whatnot. xD Call me ignorant, but there it is.

. It didn’t seem right to me, that I should only focus on the matters


This sentence didn't read right to me. Perhaps: It didn't seem right that I should only focus on the matters... something like that?

Jean thought wondrously.


I looked up wondrously. I got: incredibly, wonderfully and a few other similar words. I don't know if you want him to be thinking incredibly or not... Perhaps incredulous? I don't know...

off in her speech, as she turned around to see what he was looking at.


No comma necessary, mesa thinks.

Glaring in Gourcout’s direction, she turned firmly around and clapped her heels into the horse’s side, causing it to jump forward. It narrowly missed a line of soldiers that quickly jumped out of the way.

Glancing at Jean, she whispered to him out of the corner of her mouth. “Am I supposed to confront Sier de Gourcout about this, or do I just deal with it?”


The second action (her asking Jean) defies the first. The first action told me that Joan was going to run back and kick some butt and get the girl back. But the second was, huh? what happened? Because she seemed so confident in the first paragraph there, and ready to just go to action. But then she stopped glaring (which indicates she is upset, right?) and then asks Jean in a way which told me she was a bit hesitant. I don't know. It just seemed to spontaneous and out of place since I thought she was just going to whip around and take care of the situation.

The tree momentarily covered the entire tower, and then reappeared, the clear white stone shining like a beacon.


REWIND. So Blois is only one tower? Or is that all they can see from the tree-tops? To be honest, I didn't know where they were. In a forest? The plains? You mentioned that in places you might have needed more description, and I think in this case you could use just the smallest bit to merely re-establish in your reader's mind where they are, and so on. It might also help them make a better picture with the tower, because I believe it was just peaking out above the tree-tops, right? That was the only thing they could see. The top of the monastery. Now monastery tops are very high - I have been close to one, so I know that a teensy bit - but I don't know if they would be the highest in the town. I mean, it's a nice sentiment and all, a gushy feeling: Awww... I can see the church shiny eyes and whatnot. But I don't know if that would be the first thing. Don't they have watch towers? I mean, I doubt the soldiers would be crowding in the church tower to look for enemies... But Blois is big enough to have a lot of soldiers and stuff, and I believe it was a major city back then, so I think there would be more than just the church bell peaking up. I would look it up on Google Maps, take some pictures, look at old paintings and photos and stuff, and just generally make sure (although, you have probably already done that).

to recall her, sooner or later.” He smirked


Meh. His smirk made me think that he was making fun of her, and I don't think that was what really was going on. So maybe change that? I dunno.

You do really like ending these chapters on cliffhangers, don't you? But it was wonderful. You always find the perfect ending. I think this chapter was the best so far. They did a little talking, did a little arguing (not necessarily with each other) and did some riding to Blois - their new destination coming up quickly to meet them. Joan seemed very excited to see it, but Jean didn't seem quite as so. He just seemed like: wherever the wind takes me, I'll go happily. kind of attitude. Not really a leaf in the wind (he has never given me that image, I assure you) but more like not really caring where his duty took him. He was to follow the maid, and if that was on the road to whatchamacallit, or in Blois itself, or on a battlefield - didn't matter. That seems to be a trait which I can see in every chapter. He doesn't get excited over anything, but just accepts it as part of his duty. Everything brings a memory. Everything. I loved the reference to the Monks singing the Angelus. That was a beautiful memory to conjure up for us. :)

Till next time! You have a handle on this.
~Darth Timmyjake






Ahh, I see what you mean timmy! Oh, dang! I knew I hadn't put enough description in. Thanks for making it clear to me timmy on just how much to put in. I'll work on developing the setting more. :D Your reviews have that sense of humor, that just makes me want to burst out laughing.

Ah, OK. Joan and Jean just keep switching their personality and just general way of acting. I'll work on that, timmy. Thank youu soooo much for this! I really needed it. :D



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Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:56 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I didn't have too much of a problem with pacing in this chapter, since it focused mostly on their arrival at Blois (well, sort of. They're not exactly there yet.)

As far as description goes, I think you primarily describe minute character actions--the certain way someone's face scrunches as they think or someone tugging on their sleeve--and leave off anything about their surroundings. I mean, it got a little better once Blois came into view because we got to see a bit of that, but you add a lot of little character actions that don't really add to the story when you could spend time developing the setting a bit more instead.

Actually, my main issue with this particular chapter is that Joan goes through three or four different mood changes in a very short space of time. Like, she and Jean are continuing their conversation from before, fine. And then she's disturbed by the soldiers' ignoring her orders and doing who knows what with the supposed witch--but only momentarily, because then she gets super-excited about the sight of Blois, even though they're not there yet, and claims that it's more important to her current focus because it's ahead, which didn't sit too well with me since she's supposed to be compassionate and seemed to care about the girl more before. Then she turns her mind momentarily back to the girl and Sier de Gourcout, but not in a very serious or concerned fashion, and then she gets giddy about the impending town again.

And, like, not that she's not allowed to be relieved to finally be at Blois after so long on the road, but...I would really like to see more immediate concern about the girl here. Or, if she doesn't immediately ride to the back to find out what the heck they're doing with the girl, she could at least be a little more grounded when thinking about the town--like, yes, she's talking about the town being ahead and how good that is, but we can tell she's still worried about the girl and her soldiers' apathy toward her orders, maybe by the wrinkle in her forehead or the way she chews on her lower lip when not talking or the way she keeps glancing at the back of the company.

Just something to think about.

Blue






Ohhh, I get it! Thanks Mommy dearest. I'll work on those mood changes and description stuff. And I'm gonna totes work on making her seem a bit more concerned over the girl in the final draft. Thanks! :D



BluesClues says...


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"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard