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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 20 Part 2

by Noelle


There were quiet voices making their way to her ears. She recognized them; they belonged to Sam and Zeke. The urge to get up and go on with life had never been as strong in her as it was at that moment. Her friends had come for her; although Zeke wasn’t exactly a friend, but he did help them get out of Agathi so she figured she could at least trust him a bit.

She decided to try and speak. Maybe she’d be able to let them know that she was going to be okay, which might be a complete lie, but it would make her and them feel better. But once she tried to force the words from her mouth, she was exhausted and slipped back into unconsciousness.

He was there again, sitting on the edge of her bed. He looked more sullen than ever before. There was always a smile on his face, but the past few days had proved that sadness was indeed an emotion that he had.

“You’re an idiot,” Akia said, crossing the room to her desk. “I’m done feeling bad for you. I hope you didn’t come to look for sympathy, ‘cause you’re not gonna get it from me.”

“They took my powers,” Rhys said, his voice so quiet that Akia barely heard it. The news surprised her, but she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction. He had come to her too many times complaining about how unfair his life was. She was done with it. He had brought it all upon himself after all.

She didn’t respond as she set down her books and rearranged her homework neatly. She knew that Rhys was waiting for her to respond, to tell him how bad he felt and how she was going to help him get his powers back. He’d have to go to someone else to get that response.

Rhys didn’t speak for a while and the room was silent. Akia figured that he had given up on the subject and she decided to start on her homework. There was a lot she had to do before she headed off to complete her shift in the royal guard. She never understood why they had homework anyway. Why couldn’t they just practice magic and be done with it? All the kids in her grade were twelve, only a few years away from being official citizens of Vertfay.

“Aren’t you gonna say something?” Rhys said, finally speaking up.

Akia put down her pencil in frustration and turned to face him. “There’s nothing to say. Rhys, you killed innocent people. You destroyed nearly half of a world! What kind of response does that deserve?” He looked hurt by her words, but she didn’t care.

“I’m sorry.”

“I could care less,” Akia snapped. “It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

“But it was just an experiment! I didn’t mean for things to go so wrong!” Rhys had sat up now and he was facing Akia, talking intensely, as if he was desperate for her to understand. He didn’t know that she already understood and that there was a part of her that felt bad. But she wasn’t going to admit that to him; he had killed hundreds of people. That’s not just something you can overlook.

“I don’t understand why they don’t just give me a chance,” he said, his voice getting louder as he spoke. “My experiments are important! I can create a spell that can make everyone live forever! No more deaths, no more mourning; just life. They don’t want that from me?”

Akia knew that Rhys was just trying to get her to shrink back, give up the argument. But she wasn’t about to give him that.

“Your experiments are just that, experiments. Nothing has worked yet, Rhys, nothing!”

“Well one is about to! Now that I know where I went wrong, I can restart the experiment, make it work again; the right way. And no one has to die.”

“What happens if you get it wrong again? You gonna wipe out an entire world this time? You gonna wipe out your friends?”

Rhys looked at her, disbelief painted all over his face. “You don’t believe in me,” he said slowly. “That guard training must have really brainwashed you. You’re thinking like them.” He spat out the word ‘them’, as if it were a rotten taste in his mouth. Akia shook with anger.

“I am not brainwashed. I think for myself. And what I’m thinking now is that you’re the one who’s brainwashed. Those friends of yours back in Agathi are convincing you of things you would’ve never believed in before now.”

“I thought you were my friend,” Rhys said, shaking his head slowly. “But now I know that you’re just like them, just like the people who think they own me and can tell me what to do.”

“Who are you even talking about?!”

“You! Reese! The Othir! King Jacob. All of them. The leaders of these worlds have no right to treat me or anyone like that. I should be able to perform my experiments without the fear of getting told off.”

Akia stood quickly, fire burning in her eyes. “You can’t just go around doing stuff like this, Rhys! Your actions have consequences. And if you don’t stop talking right now, I’m going to report to King Jacob that you have been jumping between worlds and let him deal with you!”

She hadn’t realized she had gone too far until it was too late. She slapped both of her hands over her mouth as if that could fix it. But the words had already come out and the damage was done.

“I—I didn’t mean that,” she said softly, trying to apologize. “It just slipped right out.”

“No, Akia, it didn’t. You meant what you said and I’m sure you’d say it again if you had the chance. It’s obvious whose side you’ve picked. Now it’s time for me to pick mine.”

Akia watched helplessly as her friend walked to the door. When he reached it, he turned to face her and growled, “The next time we run into each other, it won’t be a nice meeting. Watch your back, Akia.”

She gasped again once the memory faded to black, the same pain running through her body. She was getting tired of it all. Why was it that these memories were resurfacing? The pellets must have messed with her mind.

Sam and Zeke were still standing somewhere close by, but their voices had been joined by someone else. The new voice belonged to a girl. She was talking fast and Akia could tell that she was desperate.

“…all my fault!” the girl said.

Falyn. Akia thought. Who else could it be?

She wanted to call out to her, tell her that she didn’t have to feel so bad about it. Falyn, whether she believed it or not, was a hero. And she didn’t realize that she had done exactly what Akia had wanted her to do. At the time it seemed stupid; but now she realized that if Falyn hadn’t brought Akia through with her, everyone would be lost. Akia was the only one who knew where to go and why they were there. Sam only knew bits and pieces of the story, not enough to go off of. She was their only hope.

--------------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,234


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Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:16 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...

I am just wondering if Rhys realizes that if he were to make everybody immortal, the population would keep increasing and the world's capacity would be exceeded and then people will run out of food so they will be starving but they can't die(and so on...). Then eventually people would want to die(there is a point in people's lives where they think that they have fulfilled their life's goals). Also, does this immortality keep you from aging because if you are able to live forever but you age, you will not look very attractive in 500 years. Nope, not at all and you may be like I wish I could go to the afterlife and stuff. I don't find this immortality potion, spell thingy, very realistic at all. Why would anybody want that stuff?

Why would Akia even want to house such a terrible person who has done those terrible things to those people? Also, how has she kept him a secret for that long? Where is he hiding? In the closet? Under the bed? I mean, I bet Akia's parents would notice him when they enter her room to clean to room or put some clothes in her closet.

I would assume this mysterious girl is Mina. Akia just might not remember her all that well because she has only seen her for only so long. If this is some new girl, I would be very sad because we need some new guys in this story so I can find some pair for Mina and Falyn. I need to ship all the people! ALL OF THEM!

Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant




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Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:35 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

Ooooooooh, another dream. You're starting to use quite a few flashbacks now, giving us little slivers of their previous life chapter after chapter, filling us in. I like knowing their past, and this was an extremely important part of their past, so it was very good for me to read. It answered quite a few of the many questions I had and just worked so nicely. Holysocks was right, too. You did do a nicer job of the transition from awake to the dreamworld and the flashback. But not like you did a not so great job in the previous chapter - to the contrary. I just wish there was a way to remove the italics in the writing now with the flashbacks, because I am not sure if they're necessary to make the transition or not, but they shouldn't be. There should be no italics for the dream, but I am not sure how you could structure it to be more of a solid dreamy thingy handed to the reader. Now this question may seem a tad silly, but I am gonna ask you anyway: With all the published books you've seen, were there any flashbacks where they were written in italics? If so, then perhaps they're not a big deal. They just seem unnecessary to me.

Since I can't find any plot or character issues by reading through twice, let's just go through and hit a few technical, and perhaps I will find something else to talk about during that time. This chapter is so perfect, it's hard to find anything worth nitpicking.

There were quiet voices making their way to her ears


Passive voice. Try to stay with active voice as much as possible. So, here, you should say something along the lines of: Quiet voices made their way to her ears. Something like that. You know what I am talking about, I think.

. He had brought it all upon himself after all.


Comma after himself

to tell him how bad he felt


to tell him how bad she felt.

Why couldn’t they just practice magic and be done with it? All the kids in her grade were twelve, only a few years away from being official citizens of Vertfay.


I am confused here. I read this part several times over, but still can't really understand. What does the second sentence have to do with the first here? The second seems like a tag along, like it doesn't belong. And I don't understand its message, and what it adds to the first sentence.

She was their only hope.


*plays Star Wars theme music with flashing lights*

This is easily my favorite chapter yet. Not only is it written in an exceptional manner, and everything just floooooows so perfectly in the writing, but you have made such an amazing character out of our friend, Rhys. Before he was just a "bad dude" who happened to know Akia's name. Now we see their true past. And it is sooo full of pain and hardships, and Rhys had to ruin it all by leaving her instead of talking things over like friends do. It makes me think he was already gone over to the bad when he came to Akia's, but still wanted her sympathy. No one would abandon their friend like that, and say something that vicious, when only just beginning to change over. He was already on his way to being a "bad guy" before he met up with Akia to discuss... whatever.

I did find the details of Rhys' accident a bit nebulous. I know you aren't going to give us the entire spiel or nothing, but I think there should be just a little bit more details. Or at least, so my curious mind tells me. This whole deal with killing hundreds of people (and Akia referred to that as half a world.... how does that work?) should have a few more details in there, like how it happened... eventually. You don't have to put that detail in this chapter, I think, but just make sure it is in one of the chapters, somewhere. It seems to be an important enough detail to matter to the story. How did Rhys kill so many people, and what went wrong? That's the full question, spelled out for you all nice and proper. I hope I see more details on that accident as I head farther into this story.

Oh, and finally she gave Falyn the credit she rightfully deserved! That girl hasn't been treated or considered by people as an equal, like she can do as much as they can. And now, finally, perhaps Falyn will be able to carry her own weight and show the others what she is capable of. :D

I don't have any more to say. Excellent chapter, and my favorite. Gotta mean something, right?
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sun Sep 14, 2014 4:29 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hi Noelle! Alas, I have come!!!

That was a much better transfer from reality to dream/flashback this time, I found. Although it was not an uncommon way to go into a flashback, it was clear, and we ( I ) understood what was happening. So awesome job!
I thought it was very interesting that Akia knew that Rhys killed a whole bunch of people! Regardless of it being an accident what Rhys did, you'd think that Akia would be more angry, or upset.

I'm just contemplating it all... This has certainly brought to my mind a dark side of Akia that I didn't know was there before. I mean, I knew that she could be hard, but to lightly threaten a mass ( accidental ) murderer, and than feel bad about doing so... and just how she acted in general for the whole flashback indicated that she was of a darker force. It's hard to explain. Basically, it's just an eye-opener.

Was this flashback/dream in a later time than the previous one? I kind of get the feeling it is because you mention a 'guard training' that Akia went through? It's not too clear if it is meant to be in the future more or not... so if it is skipped ahead a bit, it would be nice to mention something more that would give us a better idea to where we are... something like saying how she looks ( describe a thirteen year old, or something... not sure how you would describe a thirteen year old! XP But you get the idea? )

"Nothing has worked yet, Rhys, nothing!


This is just a mere suggestion: If you'd like to 'zing' this line up a bit, I propose this idea-

"Nothing has worked yet Rhys. Nothing!"

If you take out the comas, and add a period, and capitalize the 'N': ...I just think it adds a little more of something. :-P ( Sorry, I'm not using big words tonight... I just can't think right now. )

If there was anything else I thought needed improving, I forgot what it was... so if it was anything, it probably wasn't that important. XP Awesome job, Noelle! I'm going to hopefully get to your other chapters soon, as well. :-D

Keep it up!

-Socks




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Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:51 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle. Wolf here for a review.

Wow. Usually I'd be wondering why this is still in the Green Room, but it's seriously gold. Nonetheless, I will find ways to finds things wrong with my fine tooth and comb! (Which will mean one thing.)

But once she tried to force the words from her mouth, she was exhausted and slipped back into unconsciousness.

It's been a while since I've used quotes... Anyway, this transition here seems a little too quick. Something really small, and I get that Akia is really out of it, but she doesn't even speak and she still passes out? Maybe just make her make some pathetic grunt and the effort of that makes her pass out?

So, if I recall correctly, in some other chapter it was said that Rhys found a fountain of youth when he was nineteen, so I'm guessing he's nineteen now... so when did they take his powers away? I got the impression that it was decades from when Akia explained to Fayln the history, but did it just happen then? Again, nothing big, but it's something. Possibly match those two up.

Goodness, Noelle. Seriously, you're making this so much more difficult than it has to be xD I think I'm starting to feel bad for Rhys. It's like I want to like him. (Already read next part) Here he seems so sweet and good and innocent. It's killing me. Even before when he captured Falyn, he didn't seem all that bad (despite the torturing...), and he only was trying to help in the beginning. *Sigh* I will go on torn. Anyways, best of luck to your team in review day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare




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Wed Aug 27, 2014 2:08 am
PeanutPhoebe says...



Well, Noelle, I feel the same way as Deanie! This is just too amazing for me to say anything that's wrong. One question though... It seems like Rhys got really mad at her for something minor... Is there something I'm missing?




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Mon Aug 25, 2014 8:56 pm
Deanie says...



Hi Noelle!

Sorry, I can't review this. It was too good already! You've got all the key points down to keep this brilliant story going and I couldn't find a single flaw or thing I would change! Keep the chapters going like this and let me know when the next is posted!

Deanie x




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Mon Aug 25, 2014 2:11 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work, Noelle! Sorry I am so late in getting to this! ;) I was gone all Saturday and most of yesterday so I was cramped for time. :L This is short! :P At least for you it is. But then again this is a three part chapter... Anyhoo, I certainly hope this helps you!

Her friends had come for her; although Zeke wasn’t exactly a friend...
I won't quote the entire sentence, but I just thought I would say that it is really long and you may want to shorten it. I think I would cut it off at the semicolon.

and let him deal with you!”
I just thought that if they were yelling at each other, hence the explanation point, wouldn't their parents be able to hear them? I also think that her brother or someone would have come into her room to check on her. This is just based on my personal experience, though I think I am right in assuming this. Maybe not though...

Again with the endings Noelle! Why do you have to just leave us right in the middle of the story without finishing it?! It isn't as if there is something important going on, but you still left it unfinished. Arrrghhh! You aggravate me. :)

On the other hand you did do a good job of leaving the chapter part at about the same point in time as at the start of the chapter! ;) It is funny how that turned out. Virtually no time has passed in this chapter, thanks to all the flashbacks. That is actually a pretty good idea that you came up with. :P

Overall this was another good chapter part. Your characters were pretty realistic as they are in every chapter. :P The thing that I liked the most about them is that you showed Rhys in the transition stage as he was turning evil. That is kind of cool. It isn't something that you see portrayed first hand in many books or movies. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is Anikan/Darth Vader in Star Wars, though I am sure there are a few others that I am forgetting. But the point is I liked that you highlighted that aside from that all I have to say is HAPPY WRITING!!!

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I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie