z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Secret Service section #7

by cvandoren1


I hug Amelia and Sarah. They are both clutching the hem of my shirt and with big tears rolling down their thin, bony cheeks. I kneel down so that our eyes are at the same level. Hopefully, the next time I will see them, there will be happy tears rolling down their plump cheeks. These little girls deserve so much better.

“I will be back soon,” I promise, taking their hands.

“Please don’t go, sissy,” Amelia begged.

I pulled them both into one last hug before turning to Mother.

She gave me a sad smile and put her hands on my shoulders. I was taller than her by a head. She was small, but I was much taller because my father had been a giant.

“Take care of yourself out there, dear. You are about to enter the big world.”

“I will be fine, Mother. I’ll see you soon,” I say, trying to be brave for both myself and her.

Her eyes fill with tears. “I know you’ll be fine. You’ve always been such a strong one, Keri. Don’t ever let anyone take away your courageous heart.”

I pause for a moment. I have been through so much more than any other girl my age in Sorington. Pretty dresses, balls and boys fill their lives. Hunger and thievery fill mine. We are so different, yet I will be living among them in just a few hours. I will never be like them, though. They are so shallow, so petty. I have actually experienced real life, have suffered and endured hard work. They have only ever squealed about fancy clothes and gossiped.

Liam lays a hand on my shoulder. I startle from my thoughts. “It’s time to go. We better get moving if we want to reach Sorington by sundown.”

I nod and give Mother a final hug before getting onto my horse. I take the reins in both hands and urge it to follow Liam’s steed. There is a steady clatter on the cobblestones as the horses’ hooves pick up speed. The sudden wind pulls at my hair and my body falls into a rhythm with my ride. I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes. I do not even know when I will see Mother or my dear sisters again. I so badly want to turn and see their sad faces and waving hands become so tiny I can no longer see them. But I don’t turn around. I’m leaving behind my past and heading towards a brighter future. I can’t look back.

***

The sun beats on the back of my neck and I can already feel the skin starting to peel. I consider taking down my hair, but then it will just make my neck hotter and stick to my face. We have been riding for over six hours, only stopping once for a bite to eat and to relieve ourselves. I am tired and my whole body aches. I want to stop for a break so badly, but I do not complain. If I have learned one lesson in my entire short life of seventeen years, it is to not complain. Things can always get worse.

And I do not want Liam to think badly of me. After everything I have been through, my pride has always been strong and will continue to be. And as much as I hate to admit this to myself, what that boy thinks of me might matter a little tiny bit.

Liam turns around and grins at me. I blush, for the hundredth time since I met him. It’s as if he knew I was thinking about him!

“Are you getting excited?” he asks.

“What do you mean?”

He gestures to the road ahead of us. “We are almost there. Sorington is right over this hill!”

I study the horizon. All I can see is heat waves coming up from the dry cracked dirt. There . . . there is a small white object. I encourage my horse to go faster and he, though just as tired as I, obeys. As we cover ground, the object starts to get larger and larger. The grand castle of Sorington is growing before my very eyes. I cannot help but feel a rush of excitement go through me, more refreshing than even a cool drink of water right now.

It is huge, bigger than I could ever imagine. The white marble domes reflect the sun, causing it to seem as if it is glowing. As we get closer, I see a collection of houses and stores. It could be a replica of Redreef, except Sorington is actually clean and the streets are clear of trash and beggars.

Liam comes up beside me as I reach the front gates. They look exactly how you might imagine the entry to heaven is like. Huge, white and simply demand attention. On either side is a guard, standing erect and at attention. They both come forward as we approach, stopping us.

“Halt!” one of them command.

“Elijah, it’s me! Have I really grown that much handsomer the last few days?” Liam exclaims, stroking his thin beard.

The guard, Elijah, lifts his tall black hat, revealing mischievous green eyes. He grins up at his friend. “Liam! Haven’t seen you around lately. Where have you been?”

Liam shrugs. “This and that. Visiting my mother . . . getting stolen from. You know . . . the usual.”

Elijah raises his eyebrows. “Who managed to take you money? You’re one of the king’s best guards!”

“That’s what I thought!” he joked. Liam moves his horse closer to mine. Our legs brush and he reaches over to put his arm around me. “This lovely young lady here was the thief, of both my money and my heart.”

I stare at him in shock as he and Elijah laugh.

“Isn’t that right, Keri?” Liam asks, winking at me.

I stumble over my words for a moment. I was flustered to say in the least. “Um . . . yes. Not about the heart, though. But I was also shot in the process!”

“Shot? Liam must really like you. I don’t think he has ever shot anyone in his life!” he exclaims, a smirk on his face. He turns to Liam. “Isn’t that right, buddy?”

For the first time, Liam didn’t seem to know what to say. He was just simply glaring at Liam. I laugh out loud, not able to help myself.

Elijah gives me a grin and turns to Liam. “I like this girl. You should keep her around, especially after what happened with-”

“That’s enough,” Liam interrupted.

I look over and am surprised to see how serious he is. His usual carefree expression has turn dark and his eyes are cloudy with memories. What girl was he talking about that troubles Liam so? What had happened?

“Sorry, buddy,” Elijah says, his face apologetic. He steps back and motions for the other guard to open the gates.

As they creak open, Liam kicks his horse forward, avoiding my curious gaze. His upright posture was now a bit bent, his shoulders slumping.

I follow, shooting one last glance behind me. My eyes meet Elijah’s and he gives me a small smile. Apparently, this mysterious girl is a touchy subject with Liam. Maybe I can ask him about it later. Did something tragic happen between them? Were they courting . . . are they courting? I suddenly realize that I hope not.

My thoughts dissolve from my conscience as I am pulled into the business and noise of Sorington. Everywhere I look there is movement. Shops line the streets and people mill in and out of the doors, causing a chain of ringing bells. Small stands are scattered throughout, their owners shouting at anyone that happens to pass by. They advertise their diverse products, ranging from beans, fruit, and bread to cloth, soap, and earrings. My horse walks slowly, the passageways crowded. Well, crowded is an understatement. I manage to get only a few feet every minute.

It doesn’t take long for me to lose patience. I let out a frustrated sigh and try to call out to Liam, but he doesn’t respond. I suspect he can’t hear me, for he is quite a ways head of me and is somehow pushing through the crowd much faster than I. I try to urge my horse to go quicker, but that just causes him to back up even more and the people around me start to glare. Finally, I decide to take a look around while I’m here.


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1007 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 6:17 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

This was a very emotional piece, right off the bat. The main character is leaving her family, and it was a very heart-wrenching scene. I don't completely understand why she is leaving, but since I have not read the other chapters yet, that is to be understood. The relationship between the two MC's seems a little strained at the present, and almost confused. Which is great, if you wondered. She herself seems to be confused, like she doesn't know if she likes him or not, while he seems to be a closed book at the present. I don't know what he feels. He seems to like her as a person, and is very personable and joking around her, but I can't tell if he likes her or not. Kind of hiding that emotion, somewhat. I wonder what you will do with their relationship. Looking very fun so far, and your writing style is enjoyable to read. It's somewhat simple, which allows us to concentrate on the story and characters - not being lost in pages of floral writing, describing things that don't add to the overall story, but you have just enough description, just enough to give us a clear picture of the scene, so we aren't going blind through this. I also like how when you describe things, it isn't in one big block - but is spread throughout the piece, sort of describing things as your character sees them, not giving us the entire picture all at once. I like that. Very realistic, and doesn't slow down the beautiful flow you have here. <3

One thing you could work on is you tense. In most of this, you are writing it in present tense (which I have found to be quite difficult to write fluidly, but you have accomplished that beautifully), but in some parts, you fall into past tense. Like this part:

“Please don’t go, sissy,” Amelia begged.

I pulled them both into one last hug before turning to Mother.


This part, and parts afterwards, are in past tense - which ultimately took me out of the story for a while because I had to identify what went differently. Easy stuff to fix, really. So begged would be beg. Pulled would be pull - and so on. You get the idea. Just a simple read-through, fixing all the errors as you see them will clear up this tense problem. Good luck! :)

One more thing I noticed was that you fall into passive voice occasionally, while you should be trying to stick to active voice. There is a subtle difference, but it, erm, makes all the difference to the reader.

They are both clutching the hem of my shirt


There, you have the passive voice. Like I said, it's quite subtle. So in this case, it's are clutching, which would ultimately work much better as clutch. It pulls everything together, and makes your flow much better. :)

Who managed to take you money? You’re


I spy a typo! ;) Instead of you, it should be your. A small typo, but something I noticed. :)

This was a lovely story, and very enjoyable to read. I love your style, which is fluid and sturdy at the same time, and your writing really opens your character's personality to us as I read. Lovely story, and I can really see your story developing. Great job, and I am enjoying this. :)
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sun Aug 24, 2014 11:28 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



I'm back!

I only have one general comment for you (the rest are repeats of last time), and it's that you really like avoiding 'says'. Seriously, whatever your teachers may have told you, just use 'says'. Unless you use it several times in a row, 'says' will inevitably sound more professional than 'exclaims' (which I personally never use), or a long section of tagless dialogue. If you're at a loss for how to convey more emotion with the dialogue, try adding dependent clauses that depict facial expressions or tone.

They are both clutching the hem of my shirt and with big tears rolling down their thin, bony cheeks.
The only problem here lies with the bolded area. You want to use one or the other, and if you choose 'and', remember to re-conjugate the verb 'rolling'. (You can also substitute 'with' with 'have', which is actually what I recommend, as it flows best.)

Hopefully, the next time I will see them
Just get rid of the 'will'. 'Next time' has already implied the future tense.

Take care of yourself out there, dear.
'Dear' is capitalized when used as an endearment.

Huge, white and simply demand attention
I would reword it to be 'demanding of attention', because you don't want to use a conjugated verb in a sentence that has purposefully been written incomplete.

Who managed to take you money?
Typo!

Finally, I decide to take a look around while I’m here.
There's nothing wrong, I just wouldn't use the word 'finally' here. In fiction, 'finally' tends to be used when a character has been waiting for something. A good replacement would be 'Fed up', or something along those lines.

Whew... now that I've cleared that up, I get to do the fun part!

I cannot help but feel a rush of excitement go through me, more refreshing than even a cool drink of water right now.
I really like this. You need more bits like it. Lots more. Remember that similes, feelings, and metaphors are your friends! :)

As for storyline, I don't think there's much to complain about or critique. Given how this is progressing, you might want to add 'romance' into your genre listing, but that's really all I have to say. It'll be interesting to see what happened in Liam's past, and how it affects him and the story though.

That's it from me! Please let me know when you next update!
-Bug



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you for your review! And I've recently published section #8 ! Please take a look!




Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li