z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Gift of Good or Evil Cp. 2

by Faeth


The shadowy figure just stood there, like he was waiting for something. Something from me, but what? I don't understand. My Papa died, I saw them bury him, he died. The world around me started spinning as I screamed. My head felt like someone was drilling into it, everything hurts, there was to much to listen too, I can't handle it anymore, this throbbing pain that lingers in my mind. What was this. This madness that follows me, this madness that I can't escape. This can't be real...

"Violet. You've grown so much in the past twelve years. I've missed you so much baby girl." The deep voice spoke, it had a sad tone to it. Very sad tone. My eyes couldn't leave the shadow figure, why stand In shadows?

"My Papa died." I said bluntly, "Papa died when I was four, in death he shall stay." Anger spoke for me, the pain from this over came my relief. The shadowy figure sat down, without changing his tone. But he nodded, I noticed he accepted my harsh words.

"I'm not you father Violet, but I left when your father died. My name is Chase. Your father took care of me in secret because your mother couldn't know about me." He said gently, "I can't show myself because what you'll see would scare you." He sighed and poked at the fire, his hand was pale, and scars seemed to cover his skin. War. That was my only thought, he escaped from war. Maybe he knew Tyler.

" Chase. Did you come from war?" I asked softly, my eyes never left his hand. Scars, scars from something but what? I don't understand. 'Please tell me you know Tyler, tell me Tyler Is alive.' My mind cried out to my heart. This pain. This is real pain, the fear of being completely alone without another living human.

I saw the figure nod, "yes. I know Tyler. No I wasn't in war with him. I set him free." He said gently coming into the light. He had black hair, bright green eyes, but like his hand, scars lined his face perfectly. I wasn't afraid. I couldn't be afraid anymore. This was life this is what happens in life. "Tyler was my only friend I couldn't let him die. Not without seeing you again." He said gently. Tears ran down my face they burned the cuts on my cheeks.

"Tyler is alive. Where is he!" I screamed, more because I was happy, I was afraid, I wanted Tyler to be alive and now he was.

The figured forwned, "He is here. But he's badly hurt. He won't survive long unless we do something. Come I'll take you to him." He said and I stood up and walked behind him as he led me to a figure that laid on the ground, blood covered his stomach. He was hurt alright, bleeding out. I went to him and sat on my knees. Tyler.

Tyler smiled at me, a sad pained smile. "Violet. You're safe." He coughed and removed a bloody hand touched my face. "I was worried about you. I told Chase to find you for me and bring you here so I could see you. Sapphire said you where in trouble." He cried a little the tears left a pale streak against his dirty face. I laid my hand on his, the blood was warm; it made me cry. Everything made me cry though.

"Bubba you need help. Let me help you. I know I can!" I said laying my hands on his wound. I haven't practice any of my gift since I got them, but I had to try. "Chase go look for things to sow this up and some herbs to heal. Don't forget the water." I shouted as I focused on the wound. 'Heal' I thought to myself. Tyler screamed, his scream rang in my ears bouncing around my head. It hurt. I felt weak. I was giving part of my life to him. I felt myself slipping away. 'Remember it's to save him.' I thought to myself, 'remember when you first saw him be taken away. ' Tears ran down my face again. 'Remember pain. Remember life. Remember love. Remember death.' With that I passed out falling sideways to the ground head hitting the hard cold cave floors.

~Remember pain. Remember life. Remember love. Remember death~

Those words ran through my dark mind. I felt nothing though. I knew nothing. I was alone again. I was somewhere dark again. Was I dead? Who am I? Why can't I remember anything? Where am I? I don't remember. Why is everything around me dark. Why is it I can't see?

What was I suppose to remember? I was suppose to remember something, I can't remember anything nothing. My life was all a blur.

Remember pain, this feeling you get when your heart is trapped, pain isn't just a little paper cut, no Pain is something much more hurtful, pain is more then death. Pain is where you can't handle anymore.

Remember life, Life is where you can draw a breath and see you are still there. Life is a gift, a gift of Good or Evil. Life is a continuous mystery.

Remember Love, love is something sad, love is painful.

Death. Remember Death, that's a hard one, Death is where your life ends. Death is where your world turns dark and you might get lucky enough to be reborn.

Remember who you are.

Violet.

My eyes opened, the cave was dark like usual. There where voices around me, I couldn't understand anything.

"Violet. Violet wake up!" A voice spoke, harshly.I couldn't move, not without a shot of pain.

"Bubba." I spoke softly. My throat hurt, my mind was racing and soon I felt arms wrap around me. Tight arms, his grip tightened around me. He was hurting me. Why.

"Violet you're alive! I can't believe you're alive. I was so worried you'd be dead." His tears hit my shoulders, he's crying. Was he that worried about me, my thoughts where confused, "Violet what you did was reckless, you could have died! When I tell you not to worry about me, don't try saving me!" he shouted at me now, sadness replaced with anger. I didn't like this side of my brother, it was terrifying.

"Bubba, I had to save you. You where dying. I may only be sixteen but I don't need you babying me, and treating me Like I can't do anything for myself." I said anger bubbling up inside me, "I will do what I want to do Tyler. I don't need you telling what to do, I haven't needed you for twelve years now! So just say thank you for saving your life!" My anger started taking over me, the uncomfortable aura around me started to show as my eyes flared red, a monster, that's what I am. I saw Tyler back away from me and watch me. Something was different to him, I can see it, did he fear his little sister? His eyes showed amusement, he was laughing at me, why?

"Oh Violet, look at you, You've changed a lot since that afraid little four year old girl I was held. Look at you. You've been dragged into something you shouldn't be apart of, something non of us should be apart of, but you especially." He said softly coming to me and cupping my face in his hands, "You are our key to world peace Violet. We need to find Kira and get her to help us, this war isn't going to end on its own, we need to end it for them, for everyone." He said kissing my forehead. Everything calmed down, I relaxed and hugged Tyler crying. How was I going to tell him about her, last time I saw her she ran away and I was left covered in her blood. Sapphire said that papa was alive and he was the one to clean my clothes, yet I haven't seen him.

"Tyler, Sapphire said that papa was alive, is it true?" I asked him, pulling my face from his hands. He stared at me then shook his head no. Panic was building up in me, fear. Why would Sapphire lie to me when I was already in a horrible state, why bring me down more twice in one day?

Tyler frowned, "Father died twelve years ago, the reason why Sapphire isn't dead is because you are alive, you bear the mark connected to her. As long as you live, she does too. Father is dead Violet." he said strictly and then frowned, "Get sleep we leave in the morning." With that he left.

I went to sleep and when I woke up, everything was gone.


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 7:52 pm
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Masquerade wrote a review...



Hi, happy review day! This chapter was pretty good. I skimmed the first one so that I would understand what was going on, though I am still rather confused about a few things, such as the situation with this war and the soldiers and how exactly Sapphire plays into things. Most of the issues I noticed with this chapter were grammar related. Here are a few examples:

"I asked softly, my eyes never left his hand."

You do this a lot. These are two clauses and should either be two sentences or should be connected by a semi colon. Or you could connect them with an "and" or something. I noticed this problem quite a bit. I would go through it carefully and look for this specific issue.

"yes. I know Tyler. No I wasn't in war with him. I set him free."

This isn't grammar related, but I found it odd that he said this when she never actually asked him about Tyler. She just asked him about the war; she was thinking about Tyler, but he said this anyways. I found that a bit weird.

"This was life this is what happens in life."

Here is another example of two clauses being put into one sentence, except this time you didn't even put a comma in between them.

"Don't forget the water." I shouted as I focused on the wound."

I noticed this issue a few times. When the dialogue is formatted like this the period after water should be a comma. Watch out for that one.

"You've changed a lot since that afraid little four year old girl I was held."

This sentence doesn't make any sense. I think you're meaning to say something like "You've changed a lot since I held that afraid little for year old girl." As it is, this isn't a proper sentence. You should rephrase it.

This sounds like a potentially interesting and exciting story. I wish you good luck on continuing it!

Happy writing!

-Masq




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Sat Aug 23, 2014 5:05 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there! Sorry I didn't read the first part, but I'll see if I can get to it some time.

Now then, I hate to tell people this, but you really need to work on grammar. I'm not good enough to know if these mistakes are from a lack of reading and writing, or if English isn't your first language, but don't worry! If you ask around, someone will help you.

As for what you should ask about, I'd recommend asking about comma rules. A lot of people don't like them (mostly poets), but in prose, commas are invaluable, and putting them in the wrong place can mess up the reader. I noticed quite a few different mistakes, and I'll explain them. (Also, if you're unfamiliar with the terms I might use, just ask!)

Now then, here I go!

My Papa died, I saw them bury him, he died.
I know why you did this: for dramatic effect, but honestly, separate the last part with a period. It looks better, and really is more dramatic. And instead of a comma after the first part, there should be a semicolon. (I shall explain this later.)

My head felt like someone was drilling into it, everything hurts...
Keep your verb tense consistent please.

the pain from this over came my relief.
Overcame is one word. You have a few other spelling mistakes, but I'm trying to only highlight each kind of problem once.

The shadowy figure sat down, without changing his tone.
You may not realize it, but "without changing his tone" is a prepositional phrase. Since it comes at the end of a sentence, there is no need for that comma. (If you put the phrase at the beginning though, there will be a comma.)

I saw the figure nod, "yes. I know Tyler. No I wasn't in war with him. I set him free." He said gently coming into the light.
. Okay, first, you need a comma after 'said', because 'gently coming into the light' is a dependent clause. Second, dialogue tags. 'He said' is a dialogue tag, and should be separated from speech like so: "such-and-such," he said. Unless the phrase within the quotation marks ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, it will have a comma. Also, 'I saw the figure nod' is not a dialogue tag, and should not be separated by a comma, but rather a period.

I laid my hand on his, the blood was warm; it made me cry.
You used a semicolon! Correctly! The only questions are: why don't you use them more often, and why are you avoiding conjunctions? Now here's the thing, semicolons are your fair-weather friends. We only use them to connected very related, independent clauses, and there is no other punctuation mark that can be substituted. So if you've connected two independent clauses without a conjunction, BAM. Semicolon. (We also use them to separate complicated parts of a list, but that's really uncommon.)

I think that's all the nitpicks I have for you (that don't just repeat), so onto the over all comments!

First: please please please add in more scenic details. You have a good grasp on describing characters, but they're just floating right now. If you don't want to bungle the action, simply use the location to your advantage by explaining how it affects the characters. (Is it cold? Hot? Humid? Rocky?)

Second: Conjunctions. You like to leave things a little disconnected. I understand that in some parts, it is meant as a way to better show Violet's confusion, but the actions of other characters need to be more clear, and flow on a timeline rather than a list.

Third: You have this tendency to go on and on about what Violet is feeling. Mostly about pain and madness and such. That is great! We need feelings! But in some cases, it overpowers the other elements to the point where I have no idea who is doing what anymore. I really like how much thought Violet displays to us readers, but don't ignore the action and detail.

I would like to comment on storyline, but I don't have that right because I haven't read it yet. Violet seems to have a well-written personality so far, and even more importantly, hasn't fallen into the 'impervious invincible lady' trope that so many strong female characters do.

Hope this helped!
-Bug




Faeth says...


I am sorry about the mistakes, typing on my phone is a lot harder then typing on the computer. I also typed this in a rush because my sister wouldn't stop nagging me so I forgot to proof read and fix my mistakes when I got on the computer to post this, I was hoping to get it done before school started up again, I will be fixing it tomorrow after I get done with yet again school shopping, thank you for your comment and help.



Ventomology says...


No problem!




How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane