Hey there @WelcomingException! Alex here to review your story for the Wicked Squids!
I'm a big fan of this genre and I love to right in that genre. I think you did a good job with the first chapter of this story by introducing this society to the reader in a mysterious way. Mystery is very important in this genre: it keeps the reader on edge and wanting to know more about this world. As the reader I want to know who the "small bloodied" is or why the people have to fight each other. So therefore you did a good job setting out the basics of the story.
Also, I'm not so good at writing dialogue but the dialogue in this chapter flows very nicely and feels natural!
Now for the nitpicks:
1)
Jaxon let go as he found his bearing tackling the boy again as the boy tackled him back with a stronger determination then before.
The repetition of the word "tackled" or similar words feels a bit repetitive and bland. Perhaps changing the second one to something else? In general, for any piece of writing, try not to use too much of the same words.
Also, this line is a little bit bewildering in context: It is sort of suggesting that Jaxon lets go while also tackling the boy while also the boy tackles him back. It's a little bit confusing.
Try this:
Jaxon let go as he found his bearings tackling the boy again. Then the boy pushed him back with a stronger determination than before.
2)
boys stood leaving the hollow room.
There seems to be a distinct lack of punctuation in certain areas of the piece. Here, without a comma, this sentence doesn't make much sense.
Add in a comma however:
boys stood, leaving the hollow room.
Separates the two actions so it makes more sense.
Another case where you need punctuation is for lists like this:
deep even sigh.
To
deep, even sigh.
I don't usually go on about grammar in my reviews but I felt that was important.
3)
"Who are you?" The person looked up at her, their forehead knotted.
"I don't know." The small bloodied said curling up into a small ball shaking.
I don't really remember you introducing the bloodied into the room. It was a bit confusing, when this dialogue started, what was going on in this section.
That's all from me!
-Sushi
Points: 0
Reviews: 170
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