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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The De Vale Legend: Chapter 1

by WelcomingException

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Audrey De Vale assessed the young boy’s movements as he welded the Swiss Army pocket knife through the air and it fell against Jaxon’s armor. It left a slight mark, but hardly noticeable as Jaxon moved against the boy throwing him to the ground, pinning him there. The boy struggled till he found a way to loosen his leg kneeing Jaxon in the thigh. Jaxon let go as he found his bearing tackling the boy again as the boy tackled him back with a stronger determination then before. Finally Jaxon pinned him to the ground again, the boy struggled slightly but relaxed as a long bell sounded; it was the end of the assessment. Jaxon smiled looking up into the black glass.

"That will be all." Audrey announced leaning forward against her microphone. Both boys stood leaving the hollow room. She looked down into the hollow as they left, brown knit together.

"I don't know about him." Audrey sneered. She looked behind her at Nick. He leaned back in his leather chair, smoothing back his blonde hair. His dark eyes rolled to the back of his head as he let out a deep even sigh.

"He's the top candidate for recruitment Aud. If we let him go we're going to have to start again." Nick said frowning.

"What about that other kid? Josh?" Audrey remarked, she moved towards her desk seating on top of the large oak desk.

"Left. Said this wasn't what he wanted."

"How much did he know?"

"Not enough."

Nick looked at her; her arms crossed, fists clenched, light brown hair hanging in messy bun. What really astonished him was how her hazel eyes stung the floor. He got up moving towards her until her eyes shot up at him. He stopped, looking around the room at the well furnished office. It was her fathers before hers. She hadn’t changed a thing about it.

"What’s wrong with him?" Nick asked lightly.

"I don't think he can be trusted."

Jaxon opened the door smiling, strutting in and falling into one of the leather chairs. He gleamed up at both of them until he realized the tension that grew from them.

"That kid’s good. Almost took me down a few times." Jaxon announced. Audrey glared at him. “Or not. Maybe I don’t know anything at all. But if I do know anything, its his a good fighter.” He leaned back in the chair, waiting for the next move from Audrey or Nick.

"Fine. Put him on street duty with Jaxon for a few weeks and we'll reconsider him then." She said. She walked behind her desk, sitting down. "Now leave .”

"On more thing Aud." Jaxon said. Audrey looked up, her eyes darting into him. He winced but continued, "The hold wants to put a new captive in the hollow room."

Audrey nodded. Jaxon lifted a small radio to his thick lips "good to go". Audrey heard the door open and slam close. The boys left her office and she walked over to the black glass looking down into the hollow, digging her socks into the soft carpet. Her eyes gapped, at the sight before her. She leaned over to the microphone quickly.

"Who are you?" The person looked up at her, their forehead knotted.

"I don't know." The small bloodied said curling up into a small ball shaking.

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170 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Sun Oct 26, 2014 12:31 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...

Hey there @WelcomingException! Alex here to review your story for the Wicked Squids!
I'm a big fan of this genre and I love to right in that genre. I think you did a good job with the first chapter of this story by introducing this society to the reader in a mysterious way. Mystery is very important in this genre: it keeps the reader on edge and wanting to know more about this world. As the reader I want to know who the "small bloodied" is or why the people have to fight each other. So therefore you did a good job setting out the basics of the story.
Also, I'm not so good at writing dialogue but the dialogue in this chapter flows very nicely and feels natural!
Now for the nitpicks:

Jaxon let go as he found his bearing tackling the boy again as the boy tackled him back with a stronger determination then before.

The repetition of the word "tackled" or similar words feels a bit repetitive and bland. Perhaps changing the second one to something else? In general, for any piece of writing, try not to use too much of the same words.
Also, this line is a little bit bewildering in context: It is sort of suggesting that Jaxon lets go while also tackling the boy while also the boy tackles him back. It's a little bit confusing.
Try this:
Jaxon let go as he found his bearings tackling the boy again. Then the boy pushed him back with a stronger determination than before.

boys stood leaving the hollow room.

There seems to be a distinct lack of punctuation in certain areas of the piece. Here, without a comma, this sentence doesn't make much sense.
Add in a comma however:
boys stood, leaving the hollow room.

Separates the two actions so it makes more sense.

Another case where you need punctuation is for lists like this:
deep even sigh.

deep, even sigh.

I don't usually go on about grammar in my reviews but I felt that was important.

"Who are you?" The person looked up at her, their forehead knotted.

"I don't know." The small bloodied said curling up into a small ball shaking.

I don't really remember you introducing the bloodied into the room. It was a bit confusing, when this dialogue started, what was going on in this section.

That's all from me!

User avatar
62 Reviews

Points: 1048
Reviews: 62

Tue Oct 14, 2014 2:48 am
rissymay wrote a review...

hello there! it's rissymay- you reviewed my story, so I shall review yours!

Ok, so the one thing I can say about this whole thing is that it doesn't really spark interest. I think a bold statement in the beginning would help create suspense and interest. I'm also not really understanding the story- I think you're using the tactic of leaving out information to make the reader want to read more (which is a wonderful tactic- I use it in my own stories) but maybe add a bit more information so the reader says, "Ooh, what does that mean?" and then they keep reading.
I'd like to see a little more emotion from your Jaxon character as well... how does he react to things? What does he think about this whole situation?
I'm interested to see how this story plays out. Keep writing; I will read more!

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.