z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The King and the Lionheart - Intro

by annibunni


Hey guys! First I'd like to explain that english isn't my native language, so please bear with me here, because I joined YWS mainly to improve it. I'm open for any criticism and reviews, so don't hesitate, but go easy on me, it's my first time publishing my work.

This short story is written in multiple parts and was inspired by the song "King and Lionheart" by Of Monsters and Men ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A76a_LNIYwE ). Go check them out, their music videos are incredible!

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THE KING AND THE LIONHEART

„Hush“, I calmed the little boy sobbing in my arms. His hair was muddy and hanging down in sticky strains from the sweat, that was now pouring down his face. I tried to comfort him as far as I could, but I myself felt weak and anxious. Still, I couldn't let him see. I mustn't let him see.

It was my duty to guard and protect him. That's what the rightful king had told, no, had commanded, me to do. He, who had fled from the throne to avoid his certain, merciless death by his young brother.

I looked down at the city, lying in ashes. Smoke filled my lungs, bit my skin, made it clear to me, that there was no hope. The city was dead. The once so beautiful scenery had given in to pain, to destruction, to death. The ancient towers of our temples were gone, torn down by cold-blooded, heartless warriors who served this monster. Families had been separated and then killed nevertheless, women had been dishonored in the most horrible ways possible. Our men had been struck down like flies on the battlefield, they stood no chance against their gigantic machines, which filled the skies with black smoke and cast wide shadows over our homes.

I looked up to the sky. It was dark and dull. Even the sun had left us.

But I couldn't give up. I mustn't give up. The little kid shaking uncontrollably in my arms was our only hope. My only hope. The little boy, whom I've seen growing up, taking his first steps, laughing his bright, ringing smile that could light up every room. He was the only descendant of his family. The true heir of this kingdom. And I was the only one left to protect him.

I pushed his little head behind the crackled stones that gave us shelter and crouched down myself. I heard heavy footsteps pass our hiding place, but none of the men noticed us. I looked at their faces as they made their way through the chaos and damage they had caused themselves. Their skin was dark from all the ashes and smoke, some of them had their flesh torn open from the fight, blood running down their bodies, but they didn't seem to care. It was horrifying.

We mustn't waste any more time, so I grabbed the little boys hand and led him through the darkness, concealing him from the worst images we encountered. Dead mothers with children in their hands, torn open bodies with bugs crawling inside them, burnt faces grinning like monsters. I hid his face in my cloth and hurried forward, passing collapsed buildings, destroyed temples, some of their pillars still standing, reaching for the sky, sharp and round like ribs. I wanted out. I couldn't bear it any longer. Tears filled my eyes and found their way through the dust and ashes on my skin, leaving behind little gleaming trails. I wiped them away. It was not the time to lose my poise.

We ran for so long. It had been hours, but still there was no escape from these ruins. Yet again, the faces of the dead were glaring at us, as if they would curse us for being alive. I noticed his breath going much faster, he began to stumble and couldn't keep up with me anymore. He would never say anything, but I knew he was at the end of his rope, so I knelt down and told him to crawl up my back. He didn't say anything, but I could feel the gratitude.

When we finally reached the border of our lost city I still didn't feel like escaping the destruction. No matter where I laid my eyes, there were burned down forests, poisoned lakes and rivers, barbed wires and sharp pickets crossing the land. The silence was unbearable. All animals were long gone, though I wondered if they had sensed it coming or if they had left when chaos took over. Our deep wheeze echoed back from the waste land. We had to move on.

With pity I noticed the boys silent sobbing; although he did his best to hide it, the little trembles against my back didn't go unnoticed. I cleared my throat – what else was there to do? How could I find any word of comfort if fear was all that was left in me. How could I tell the little prince not to be afraid, if even I had difficulties to stop myself from shaking. And so we moved on, worn out from the horrible things that had happened to us in the past days, weak from the loss of our dignity, but still longing for some kind of escape, some kind of rescue. Someone. Someone help us.

The footsteps that suddenly appeared behind us didn't sound like friendly ones. They were fast, heavy and somehow filled with spitefulness. I hastened my paste, but the loud stomping of hungry hunters still followed us through the desert of death. I wanted to run. I really did; fear kept me on my feet, folly kept me walking, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing to get me running again. Even death seemed like a merciful release compared to this madness, compared to this horror, that I had until now met only in my darkest nightmares. Who was I to decide if my death had come?

And so I fell, grasping for the little body on my back, clenching him in my arms, protecting him with my life. After all I had sworn a vow to the king. If there was no other use for me, than being a shield, I would do it with honor. “Long live the king”, I whispered, but the susurration of my voice lost itself in the loud pounding of their steps and the loud clangor of their weapons.

We found ourselves in cages, surrounded by the banging noises of their feast and laughter. The king didn't succumb to them, but they had finally imprisoned his successor. I saw his face, it seemed like the smallest sign of life had left it. His eyes were empty, staring in some direction, maybe at something I couldn't see, but there was nothing that caught my eye. He just sat there, like a lifeless doll, encircled by his distorted cage, as if he was waiting calmly for his appearance in some sick puppet theater.

They didn't say anything, only their dirty grins, revealing black, rotten teeth, met my eye from time to time. I knew they would separate us. What use was there for a servant like me? I was nothing but a millstone around their necks. Nothing but something to get rid of.

They loaded us on their big tanks; black, heavy machinery decorated with grotesque faces made of stone, their blistering eyes glaring at me, their bodies loaded with pipes and bars, spitting out heavy smoke that filled the air and created the image of tremendous monsters about to engulf us. The anxiety for losing my life left me unable to move, not even daring to cough as the thick, burning reek infiltrated my lungs. A tender whimper caught my attention and I turned to the little boy, crouching in his cage. Too afraid to speak, I just reached out my hand for his cage, but he was too far away, it felt like an eternity lied between us. The horrified look in his wet eyes crushed my heart to pieces.

“I failed you”, I whispered hoarsely, but I knew he couldn't hear me.

I heard his cries for so long, as they pulled him away from me, right in the opposite direction, their rustling laughs sending chills down my spine. My vision was getting blurry and the only thing I hoped for, was a quick death, so my grief and remorse and incredible pain would disappear with me. I lost track over time, my mind wandering off in a dull and grey wasteland full of ache and shame, leaving me with the little boys earthshattering cries and the question if I could actually still hear them or if they just filled my head, slowly driving me mad.

Tears rolled down my cheeks until there were no more to spill. I floated in a world free from emotions, free from thoughts. It felt like death, like deep, pitchblack sleep, with no room left to wonder if this was the end, if this was real, if this was over.


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81 Reviews


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Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:49 am
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Masquerade wrote a review...



Well I would say this was pretty good considering English isn't your first language. There were some words you used of phrases that you mixed up that would indicate that, but overall it was actually pretty good. I enjoyed the story. You did a good job developing all that emotion the character was feeling, and the end was pretty heartbreaking I thought.

Here are some nitpicks:

"The little boy, whom I've seen growing up"

Should be "I'd" I believe.

"I still didn't feel like escaping the destruction"

The way this is phrased makes it sound like this character didn't want to escape, which is obviously not the case. Perhaps rephrase it to something like "I still didn't feel like we were escaping the destruction." I think that's what you meant.

"I hastened my paste,"

I think you mean "pace."

'“I failed you”, I whispered hoarsely,"'

The comma should be inside the quotation marks.

There were some other little problems similar to these, but these are some of the main ones I noticed that dragonofphoenix didn't already point out. I think you've got a good start here. It left me curious and wanting to know what was going to happen next, which is generally a good sign.

Good work and happy writing!

-Masq




annibunni says...


Hey Masq.
Thank you so much for your review! I'm honestly a little overwhelmed by your reviews. I didn't think that anyone would read or even review my story. So thank you so much! This means so much for me! I will of course try to fix my mistakes and try to write a better story next time. Of course it'll continue. :)
Again, thank you so much!



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508 Reviews


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Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:52 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

My first thought when I saw your author's note:
Image

Seriously, though, it's okay. :D

All right, on to the review.

„Hush“, I calmed the

I'm not sure what happened to your quote marks, but they're a little glitchy. You might want to retype them or something to see if that fixes it.

His hair was muddy and hanging down in sticky strains from the sweat, that was now pouring down his face.

That comma doesn't belong. Commas are a pain, and they'll just take some time to get used to.

Families had been separated and then killed nevertheless, women had been dishonored in the most horrible ways possible.

A little awkward there. That should probably be two sentences, because as is, that's a comma splice. (It made me wonder why you had a "nevertheless," but then when I reread it, it made sense.)

Our men had been struck down like flies on the battlefield, they stood no chance against their gigantic machines

Another comma splice. I'm hoping that, by pointing them out, you'll be able to start identifying them before they slip by you.

I noticed his breath going much faster, he began to stumble and couldn't keep up with me anymore.

Boop! Caught another one. :)

When we finally reached the border of our lost city I still didn't feel like escaping the destruction.

Didn't feel like escaping the desctruction? Or didn't feel like they were escaping the destruction? Just a matter of two words, but they'll make the difference in what you really want to say.

All animals were long gone...

This is simply a matter of style, but it might read a little smoother as "All the animals were long gone..." Just a thought, try it both ways, and see which you like better.

Our deep wheeze echoed back

They shared a single wheeze? Or was it wheezes? Pretty minor thing that some might consider style.

With pity I noticed the boys silent sobbing

That "boys" should be "boy's," to make it the possessive. Don't forget your apostrophes! :)

Someone help us.

Someone help? Or someone to help? If that's the character's thought, then you might want to italicize it.

If there was no other use for me, than being a shield

Another extraneous comma.

...as if he was waiting calmly...

It's technically "as if he were." Subjunctive mood is a nasty beast.

They didn't say anything...

Who they? Where did these unnamed people come from? Let us know, please.

I heard his cries for so long, as they pulled him away from me

Another extraneous comma. Don't worry, we'll get this!

the only thing I hoped for, was a quick death

Ibid.

I lost track over time, my mind wandering off in a dull and grey wasteland full of ache and shame, leaving me with the little boys earthshattering cries and the question if I could actually still hear them or if they just filled my head, slowly driving me mad.

Two things. One, the phrase is "lost track of time." Two, that's a slightly long sentence, something that's been there, but stylistically acceptable, throughout the piece. This is probably one of the few you might want to break up into smaller units.

Overall, this was really well done. Especially considering your note that English isn't your first language. Really good job.

Hope this helps!

This review courtesy of
Image




annibunni says...


Wow, dragonphoenix, thank you so so so much! I didn't even think someone would actually review my story, that's why my reply is a little late! But thank you so much! You gave me hope, that my english isn't as bad as I thought! Thank you for pointing out all my errors, commas are a real pain in the ass, I don't even get them in german, haha. :) I'll surely review some of your things as soon as I'll get to it and I'll say it again: Thank you so so much! It really means a lot to me! :)




ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina