I think you have a really good idea here with this essay, but I think it could do with a bit of tightening up. I think it's an interesting topic, and it doesn't seem to be to controversial to me. College's like essays that show that you are motivated and/or full of thoughts in my experience, and I think this topic works for that.
I like what you've got started here, but I think the main topic isn't completely clear. I mean it's obvious you are talking about God, but what specifically is it about God that you are trying to say? At first it seemed like you were talking about a view of God that is non traditional (ie God not being "white"), and I think that's what this was about, but you seemed to stray in places. This is really hard to describe, but it didn't feel smooth and cohesive throughout. Like you were describing these different experiences, but I think they could have been more strongly tied back to your main idea, and I think your main idea could have been more clearly stated. It's something that's really hard to achieve with the word limits on the common app essay, but it's something that will make your essay very attractive. The last sentence also seemed a little out of the blue, and I'm not sure how it connected back to your main point. You hadn't mentioned much that would allude to a understanding God before this point.
Here's a couple nitpicks as well:
"My version of God has the deepest voice, the sort of voice meant for narrating. His voice is the thickest of honey, pouring straight off the comb, making even the blandest parts of the Bible fill with euphony of sounds."
Okay, you use the word "voice" a lot in a small space. I would try to condense or reword that maybe.
"My Mother decided she liked she liked listening"
I think you repeated "she liked" here. The sentence that this was in was also a bit awkward sounding. You might try rewording it.
I hope this review made sense. It's a bit hard to explain. I think you've got a good start here and a topic that could make for a great college application essay. Good luck with your applications!
-Masq
Points: 9485
Reviews: 81
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