Timmy heeere
So this is a different kind of chapter. I can see a different side of Asenath in this - something which had always lingered in the background before, never revealing itself totally to the reader. She's gentle as well as being feisty. I loved the relationship between her and Oni, which has totally changed from that of a slave and her mistress to friends. Before, it seemed as though Oni was more like a servant - while they were friends at the same time. Here, it seems as though they're next door neighbors. I like that. It seems like something which would happen after time, with Asenath becoming who she is now. I can still see the changes she's going through, each chapter progressing her a bit to who she will be at the end of he book. But this one shows who she has become with extreme clarity.
She had a full head of black hair and smooth skin. Suddenly, she opened her huge eyes and began to scream.
So something I have noticed you do (and quite a few authors, it seems) is use suddenly to express something startling happen. Just like you're trying to flow into a different part of the scene, and that's a default. I would advise you avoid suddenly as much as possible, because if a word can become cliché, it has. Everyone uses it to express surprise, and it's really a shame because creating a transition into the parts read so much smoother. Describe the child - just as you did. I liked how she noticed this things about the child. What you need to do is transition smoother. I would recommend a new paragraph for the screaming (since it's a different type of action - so much different from the peace. So, in my opinion, it should have its own paragraph). That would establish the boom! affect just fine. And then slide into the paragraph, perhaps having the child's screaming interrupt Asenath saying something to Oni, mid-sentence? Tweak it and see what you can come up with.
Of only when we named her
If only?
Asenath spoke. “He is only a year old. How would he know that?”
“Ah, Asenath.” Joseph put her arm around her. “Why are you always right?”
This part confused me somewhat, because she wasn't stating something. She asked something. So how can a question be right when she hasn't given the answer? It just seems odd, especially because I don't know what Joseph thinks is right. ^.^
The feelings of seeing the miracle of life cannot be described by tongue and pen.
While I liked this part, it seemed out of place because it wasn't third person limited, but more like a disconnected narrator taking a breather from the story because they didn't have the words to say anything. So while that is a neat concept and something which I would keep in the book, remember to insert more of it into the later drafts. Otherwise, these once-happening things just make the piece disjointed because they're out of place - never having been seen before in the book. And this is definitely something which should be inserted more often. I liked this little tidbit - seeming still like part of the book, but almost as though it was directly from the narrator, too.
Odd custom. But eight days in no big deal.
Asenath yawned. “Sounds fine.”
You repeated yourself here. First, you told us through her thought that she had no problems with it, and then you told us again through her dialogue (which I liked better, I think). Since part of the thought isn't in the dialogue, you could fit them together until they're a jointed part with the same idea rather than repeating yourself twice. Parts such as this are the least of your concerns while editing, but still nice to grab while you're there. Having sentences/words that repeat themselves clutter your writing with superfluous stuff that pokes at the reader as they go. Try to cut out as much of that as you can. Say it once. Be done. Move on. Simple as that. c:
This chapter was gooood, and I especially liked the fact that they have a family now. They seem so strong, tied together in so many ways now. The one thing that would make them whole is if she believed in Elohim. But that will come in time. Therese mentioned the poor transitioning of times and such in her review, so I won't repeat her. But that did take me out of the piece for a while until I sorted it all out. Try and work on those parts, making them flow seamlessly into each other. And, it also seemed odd that Asenath would want Joseph to take her newborn child away from her. O_o She's only had this child inside her for nine months, and now she's just had the chance to hold him... and she's going to allow him to leave her side for the night? I know when my mother had babies, they were always beside her until they became older. She told me it was better for the baby, too (oh, looky there. talking as though I know something about this. xd). But besides those little things (which could just be me), this chapter was very good and a delight to read - as usual. c: I'll be doing more of these in the upcoming review day.
~Darth Timmyjake
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