Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

We the People by ScarletDreams14

by ScarletDreams14


We the people vow too protect our own.

Yet judgment and labels have poisoned the watering hole.

Leaving humanity corrupted and torn apart.

We are in need for a brand new start.

. . .

We as people are to blame for our own demise.

Hiding in darkness it cannot hide.

Our destruction comes dangerously near.

The voices that cry, we cannot hear.

. . .

Religion has become toxic, there is no home left here.

The scripture you read has been branded with lies.

We have sinned, although we have denied.

I pray for the day we are counted as equals, as one.

Will that day ever come?

. . .

Have we the right to judge each other, before we judge ourselves?

From skin color, to our inner state of mind.

How could we have been so blind?

The future has yet to be uncovered, until we accept the crimes that we commit.

. . .

We the blind, to ignorant to see.

We the arrogant, have not the right to claim.

We the pernicious, to numb to feel.

We the people, have yet to heal.

________________________________________________________________________________

I originally wrote this on paper, here is the link to the original: (It's broken into 2 parts)

Part One:

Part Two:

I do understand that some might not understand or agree with my poem. But, this is my insight on humanity and the way we function and act towards each other and our differences. In my opinion It's not fair to judge someone on something they can't change at all. They we're born this way and that's how it'll stay. Sorry if this poem offends anyone, I do like a good argument though.

Let me know what you think!

Sincerely, your fellow writer and reader, Scarlet


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Dec 01, 2014 1:55 pm
LacyRayne wrote a review...



Hello there! I really love this poem, it gives us that pop of reality we all need. However, I do not agree with the person below me, I feel like religion, nowadays, only has bad aspects. My favorite line is "we the people are to blame for our own demise." This is so true. We all have a say in how our life goes. I love this piece. Keep writing!




User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 283
Reviews: 12

Donate
Sat Jul 26, 2014 2:25 am
BechtelAuthor wrote a review...



You only discuss the downfalls of religion. You should devote an entire verse to all aspects of society, government, social/racial/gender ideologies, family life etc. You're being way to metaphysical about your objections to the world. Complaining about people judging others and complaining about the way people feel. That is pointless, criticize actions.

Don't go a tenth of the way, dismantle everything. You want a new start right? Then you have to tear down the old, all of the old.






I suppose It is, but my point is basically peoples choice to act that way is absolutely wrong. That's only my opinion but I don't approve on how people judge each other and act so carelessly without picking out there own flaws. Anyway Thank you! I get a little emotional when debating against things lol.



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 283
Reviews: 12

Donate
Sat Jul 26, 2014 2:23 am
BechtelAuthor says...



YOu only discuss the downfalls of religion. You should devote an entire verse to all aspects of society, government, social/racial/gender ideologies, family life etc.

Don't go a tenth of the way, dismantle everything. You want a new start right?






I like the way you think! I shall do that! (At some point)



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Fri Jul 25, 2014 11:18 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.
So I think this is a very philosophical piece, and obviously it won't apply to everyone, but you've done a very good job of promoting the human race in a good light.
Not necessarily that accurate, but... intriguing.

Religion has become toxic.

There is no home left here.

The scripture you read has been branded with lies.

We have sinned, although we have denied,

I pray for the day we are counted as equals,

as one,

will that day ever come?


You're asking a lot of questions in this piece but I'm not sure how many of them you're answering, or how many you're supposed to be.

Very thought provoking - keep writing!






Why, thank you! It's a work in progress but It's also only my statement on the human race. Not everyone would agree with it.



User avatar
801 Reviews


Points: 1383
Reviews: 801

Donate
Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:33 am
View Likes
Aley wrote a review...



Hey Scarlet~

As requested I'm here to give you a review. As I believe this is the first poem of yours I review, I'd like to request that you note I'm pointing out things that I see, and I tend to be highly critical. I'm critical of a lot of things, including published work, so even if I do say something could be better or worse, It's just my opinion as a fellow poet, and may not be your style.

With disclaimers done, let's get into the critiquing sandwich.

I do think that you've got a good idea here. You've developed a couple points that I feel like you've developed mostly as thoughts, and these thoughts are either highly pessimistic just by nature, or you've actually put quite a bit of time into constructing this argument. Of course, the argument I'm seeing in this poem is that while we are living by what we believe is morally good, we are all injured souls, and need to rethink what is moral.

One of the larger parts of poetry is to use imagery to support messages as true through allowing the reader to develop the conclusion itself. Just like in crafting a story to tell about how wrong it is to be prejudice, a poem can be handled the same way. For me, this craft is lacking in the poem as we don't get many images to grasp.

We do get short glimpses into the reality such as "poisoned the watering hole" and "there is no home here" but these things are still rather in the abstract and are relatively common phrases. You also use "How could we have been so blind" which I'm sure I've heard in at least one movie. These sorts of cliche lines might have given you an image, but I encourage you to expand on them if you do keep them. For instance, blindness is not a condition one can get rid of in most cases. If you've got cataracts, are you really blind, or just visually impaired? This can pose an interesting debate with the phrase which I would expect a poem to go into, especially if you're arguing that we have the ability to heal, as you seem to be doing.

The other prominent image is the missing home, but if "home" refers to the place where you feel comfortable, you may not need one physically, and also what is left behind without a home there? It doesn't become a void because there is no home, so what is left, and who is looking at this place without their home? These sorts of questions can really help develop a poem beyond the surface of cliche lines and create something unique out of reused lines.

Onto a couple nit picks:

Two, to, and too. You use to and too wrong, mostly because you missed using too all to-gether. [get it? to-gether? like to gather but together >D because, you know, "to".]
Just as the word too has too many 'o's in it, it is used for an excess of something. "too ignorant to see" would be the proper phrasing.
To do, to be, to gasp, to grow, to [verb] is usually the set up with to. To usually sets up an infinitive, so when you hear split infinitive, you're actually looking for something where TO is separated from it's verb: to bracingly gallop, to happily skip, to exuberantly and unwittingly fall, to-with a running leap- barely, just barely, miss. In your case you have
to heal, to feel, to claim, and to see.
Of course, people say not to split infinitives, but this poetry, give it whatever spice you want, just remember that too many tos is two too many 'o's missing ^.-

Your sentence structure is poor. Stop thinking like a line is a sentence and start thinking like a sentence is a sentence. Each sentence needs a subject, and a predicate.

Leaving humanity corrupted and torn apart.

Leaving is a verb. Verbs are not subjects.

This beginning stanza should have been something like this with it's original sentence structure and should maintain that as a poem regardless of where the lines end.

"We the people vow to protect our own, yet judgment & labels have poisoned the watering hole. Leaving humanity corrupted and torn apart, we are in need for a brand new start."

Also just a note, using symbols like & in your work probably won't win you any favors, but I might be alone on that.

Using "We the People" was an interesting move, but it fell sort of short when it just basically said the same thing as the declaration of independence, yet more concise and with less legalese.


Aside from sentence changes and using the proper "to" I don't have other nitpicks, just the comments from before about how to make this more of a poem.

I've read a lot of rant poems, and the biggest danger with this direct style of discussion is that people won't care, or that they don't agree with you. For instance, if you say "Religion has become toxic." Someone is bound to say "But I'm not your religion." and then accuse you saying that "judgment & labels have poisoned" because you've assumed that everyone's religion is toxic by your broad statement.

It's easier in a poem to make it less argumentative and write a poem about a priest who has done something horrible, but he doesn't even see it.

Just a thought~

I'll talk to you soon <3
-Aley






Thanks Aley! I don't find this offensive at all and find this rather helpful. I understand your argument and also thanks for pointing out that misconception with to. Everyone may not agree or understand my argument in this poem but that's the point! I know that not everyone will agree with my point on religion and humanity but this is my opinion. ^-^

Thanks again!




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi