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Magic's Will-CH. 18

by kayfortnight


Dafyr heard her footsteps before he saw her. A soft padding sound on the cobblestone path through the garden. She came and sat beside him on the elegantly carved wooden bench. Ameli.

She sat there for a while without speaking. Just when he thought she wasn’t even going to say anything, she said, “You’re still thinking your Queen is completely insane. You’re worried about a deity possibly striking you down. You’re also afraid of what will happen if this works. I get that. That’s all what I felt when I first heard about this, too. But why did you come here to think it all through?” She gestured around at the gardens.

The gardens at the palace are the pride of the royal family. Exotic flowers of all sorts of colors, trees strategically placed to create shade where it’s most wanted, and a small pond of fish with water lilies blooming in it. People tended to wander through rather often, which was probably why Ameli was asking him.

“This was where I grew up. Not much that’s complicated about that. I’m a little surprised you’re her confidant, though.”

“Well, after you left with your mother, my father was still determined I make a match in your Queen’s court. So I stuck around for a while, but every engagement they agreed on went wrong. One man eloped before the wedding, another was poisoned, and another got magic.” A faint grin appeared on her face. “You set off a train of bad luck in my life.”

Dafyr blushed. “Sorry.”

Ameli waved a hand dismissively. “It really doesn’t matter all that much. That string of ill luck was the reason why I was still here when around half the population of the country got magic.”“Including you?”

“Including me. Your grandmother really is quite the chatty woman, Dafyr, especially when she’s with someone she can trust.”

Dafyr stared at her, widemouthed. “Alright, now I know you’re teasing me. My Queen is the exact opposite of chatty.”

Ameli shrugged. “You don’t know her as well as you think, then. She took me into her confidence. Said I reminded her of what she was like at my age.”“I...can’t really imagine my grandmother at your age. She just seems so...old.” He felt ashamed of himself, just a little, for saying it aloud. But it was true. The Queen was old.

“That’s because she is. Because Magic decided to grant her eternal life when she asked. Because a deity was curious as to what she would do.” She placed a hand on Dafyr’s shoulder. “I’m just as afraid as you going into this. It’s natural. We are human, after all. But I’ll let you in on a little secret.” She leaned close and whispered in his ear, “The Queen is scared too.”

He took a deep, shaky breath. “How in the world are we planning on doing this? I mean, even if Magic is a corporeal being, she might not even exist on this planet.”

“Like your grandmother said. She’s done lots of research, and Louis will help, too. At least if we can figure out a way around his ‘needing to drain blood until the victim is dead’ problem, anyway. I suspect your grandmother has some plans to deal with that for now, anyway. I believe we still have some prisoners in the dungeons that were condemned to death anyway. Besides, as she said, if Magic finds the idea of mortals trying to defeat her funny, she’ll ease our way until we reach her.”

I clap slowly. Clever, clever girl. Although I think Dafyr might object to the morality of letting that Nosferatu boy feed on a prisoner and taking any help I have to offer. Silly boy, but one can hardly blame him for not being like you and your queen. And yes, she is your queen now-you care for her far more than that dear mother of yours back at home, who expected you to learn how to sword-fight like a proper lady. Silly woman. You’re far too interesting to be a proper lady.

There are so many ways I could stop them, or at the very least complicate their path. The Nosferatu boy would have quite a dilemma ahead of him, after all, if I killed all of the prisoners, for one thing. But I think I want to see where this goes.

I turn towards the hourglass and watch the sand slowly trickle down. Up until now, my assumption had always been that it was the countdown until I gave someone else the title of Magic, if it even meant anything, but now I had to wonder. Was it possible that it was a countdown to my death?

If it was...that would be amazing, horrible, wonderful, and terrifying.


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 6:59 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Hooray! I'm all caught up! :D Right, let me just get to the review.

Again, no grammar of spelling errors for me to point out. The formatting still seems to be being mean to you though. How rude of it. Hopefully you can get that worked out soon so it won't be a problem anymore.

So Ameli and the queen seem to have been thinking about this for a while. At least, that's what I assume. They seem to have it all figured out. And Ameli is such a smart girl, being able to figure out so much about Magic. I am quite interested how this plan would even work, however, since Magic knows everything that is going on. There isn't a time or place where Ameli and the queen and Dafyr could talk in private without Magic knowing about it. And now Magic knows about what they're doing. How are they going to be able to destroy Magic if she knows what's going on. I'm interested to see how that works out.

One thing I have to comment about Ameli though, is that she doesn't seem to get bothered by Magic like the queen and Dafyr do. Maybe she's just stronger than them, or maybe Magic just doesn't care much about her. Either way, I'm surprised that Magic hasn't attacked her yet.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter! I can't wait to read more :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:26 am
Iggy wrote a review...



All caught up! ^^

Okay. Once again, you do have a bit of dialogue technicalities going on. Just where Dafyr's dialogue and Ameli's bunch together instead of being separated. Edit as needed.

Quick question, as I was always confused about this: were Dafyr and Ameli betrothed? From Ameli's mention of his leaving giving her bad luck, I assume they were. Which is odd but I suppose you had a reason for it. I hope it's explained better than saying that he left with his "harebrained" mother.

Which leads me to another question... why did his mother leave his father? I hope you explain this soon.

Anyways, I liked this chapter! Quite a nice balance between dialogue and imagery. We were given some nice details about the garden. Their conversation was smooth and flowed nicely and showed us more about their relationship. I like that we got to see more about Ameli. I never knew that she and the Queen were so close, so that's nice to know.

I also liked the ending, the little insight from Magic. This leads me to believe that she wants to die? Somewhat? Like, she wants to but on the other hand, death is scary and permanent and I can see why she's scared. But I can't help but think that she wants to, as much as she claims she doesn't. After a while, living forever can become so lonely.

I'd like to see more so update when you can and keep me informed, would you?

~Iggy

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Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:11 am
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I understand the meaning behind the opening lines, but I don't think it is written in the most accurate way:

Dafyr heard her footsteps before he saw her. A soft padding sound on the cobblestone path through the garden. She came and sat beside him on the elegantly carved wooden bench. Ameli.
The syntax of the sentence is all out of whack.

Just a bit of reordering and you will have an even stronger opening to your story.

I really like the character names you have chosen, a clash between the archaic and the modern I feel.

Sometimes I feel like your dialogue is a little cliche:

He took a deep, shaky breath. “How in the world are we planning on doing this? I mean, even if Magic is a corporeal being, she might not even exist on this planet.”


Just changing the wording in some places would help it seem more original.
You've got good ideas here and have conveyed them within a relatively short space of time in a way that this easy to understand. :D

Keep writing!





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