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Once upon a time we both did not know how to spin.

by wunmi


So much has brought me here, into this mood, into this state.                                                                 I feel the world is spinning and I am still.                                                                                                   The world spins and there I am by myself yet again.                                                                               Alone. I know you didn't mean to leave                                                                                                   To you, you haven't. But you have don't you see?                                                                                      I am here alone you are with the world spinning.

Once upon a time we both did not know how to spin,                                                                               We tried of course, but we never seemed to                                                                                            Understand the beat, the rhythm, the pace,                                                                                              But it was okay, we created our own pace.                                                                                              It didn't matter what the others thought. We                                                                                              were spinning in our own world.                                                                                                              It was  our own pace.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Then you learnt the pace,                                                                                                                         It  was thought to you by another                                                                                                               You spinned with them, with all the others,                                                                                             With the ones you once promised to never be loyal. You learned to spin.                                              You enjoyed it.                                                                                                                                           But you tried not to forget. You would stop.                                                                                             Spin with me but suddenly you would change your pace, leaving me behind.

You tried to teach me                                                                                                                                  But I would always fail, would always loose the pace.                                                                             But later you forgot                                                                                                                                     You would spin with the world                                                                                                                   Remember me when the others you forgot.     

So... My life was then this,                                                                                                                         When you remembered I was happy.                                                                                                        I would savour every momment even though                                                                                            Momments came less often than not.  

I know one day you will completly forget.                                                                                                   I will be a passing thought,                                                                                                                         One of none importance, you will not stop.                                                                                               You will continue spinning with the world                                                                                                    And I will be there watching.                                                                                                                      Be happy when you are                                                                                                                              But also wishing you murderous thoughts.                                                


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21 Reviews


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Sun Sep 28, 2014 7:16 pm
wunmi says...



hello world.




rhiasofia says...


Did you just?..You just did.



wunmi says...


no i realize it as the wrong story its supposed to be for the story "the sky girl" but my wi-fi is currently high on burnt rubber fumes( which my neighbours are burning) and tired from over use. i think i'm done for the day, i'm going to sleep



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:25 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Ooh, a structured poem. Interesting.

I feel the word is spinning and I am still.

That "and" threw me off a little. I was waiting for you to finish what you were "still" doing, but then I realized you meant you were still. You're contrasting the fast-paced motion of the world to yourself, so I would suggest changing the "and" to "but." Try it both ways and see which you like better.

The world spins and there i am by myself yet again.

Was that lower-case I intentional? If not, minor typo.

Alone. I know you didn't mean to leave

Did you mean to leave the period off at the end? It doesn't really flow into the other line without it.

It as thought to you by another

That could probably be better as "As though to you by another". (I think the "It" was an accident.)

I feel like this is a rough draft, because there are a lot more minor touch-ups that could be done. For the sake of not making this a "This list needs fixing" review I'm going to ignore the rest of them.

You've got a good, strong metaphor, and combining that with structured poetry really brought it home. The jerks in the poem's structure reminded me almost of an old vinyl record skipping on its track. I'm not sure if you were going for planetary spin and orbit, or records, CD's, and the like, but the analogy holds for both. So good job on that.

Hope this helps!




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:14 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hello.

This was a very bitter work, or so I got, especially from the last line. Simultaneously, I really enjoyed it! XD
Not only did you tell a story with a strong flavour, but you set it out in a way that was visually enticing and helped add meaning to the story.
Because you have formatted the words to look like a hurricane, you make the reading go faster because of the breaking in the lines.
I was impressed by this piece; it was very clever.
I think, this part was my favourite:

You tried to teach me But I would always fail, would always loose the pace. But later you forgot You would spin with the world Remember me when the others you forgot.


Keep writing!




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 8:53 am
NatD wrote a review...



No poem, short story, or novel is perfect but this fantastic poem is very close to it. Of course there are minimal spelling or grammar mistakes but that doesn't take away from the genius behind this work.

tells a tragic story that is very well described and put into detail, but it has the balance between descriptive and being vague amount of detail. With that balance your work is specific yet relatable, which makes it very well written as well.

The format of the poem tells a story within it self. It is unique, and not seen in many works like yours. I think if you used a standard format your poem would not have told the story it did, and it is these tiny details that added up to the near perfect piece you have created.




wunmi says...


thanks for the review. Its really raised my confidence bar a bit higher. i as kind of nervous putting this up



NatD says...


you're welcome and I look forward to reading more of your work




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