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Young Writers Society


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Fire and Water: Chapter One (Rewrite)

by Nica


I scrambled back as the ferociously angry dragon advanced on me, crushing my mother’s charred remains beneath its monstrous feet. My heart was pounding in fear, hatred and anger, but the fear was too great for any other emotion to survive. It swallowed up everything, until nothing remained but grim reality.

My reality, in this case, was the fact that I was soon going to suffer the same fate as my mother. Her ashes were already being blown to the four corners of the earth by the wind created by the fires of the scaly beast now before me. He opened his jaws and I saw the red flames coming. I braced myself for the excruciating pain and the death I knew would follow soon after.

But they never came.

I had closed my eyes at first, but when nothing happened, I opened them just a slit. I froze. The dragon’s nose was less than an inch from my face and up close, his teeth were as long as my dad’s old sword. His hot breath blew my hair around my face and into my eyes. Old scars from previous battles lined what neck I could see. I didn’t know if it had been man or beast that had made those scars.

Either way, he was still alive and had survived those battles. I figured my chance of surviving this battle were about zero to none. So, I didn’t move and I didn’t make a sound. I didn’t even when the beast began to sniff my face, filling my nose with the heavy fumes of sulfur.

“You smell of him,” the dragon finally said, his voice reminding me of granite stones rubbing together. “His blood runs through your veins.”

“Whose blood?” My voice was trembling and my hands were shaking.

“Your father’s,” the dragon ground out. “He is well known among my kind.”

“Ummmm…..thank you?”

That was the wrong answer.

“I hate your father!” the dragon roared, his tail lashing in fury. “He is a killer!”

“He was not a killer,” I shouted back. “He was a hero!”

I had loved my father and now that someone or something, in this case, was degrading him. Well, I couldn’t stand it. My anger and hatred came rushing back and this time the fear wasn’t there to stop it. I remembered that I had a sword strapped to my hip, I remembered that I knew how to use it, I remembered what my father had said before he died.

He’d taken my hand and said, “Kaeri, always remember what your family is. Don’t ever let us down. You’re the last of us now. Be sure people will sing songs about us when we’re gone.”

I looked at the place where my mother’s ashes rested and felt hot tears fall. They were tears of fury, of hate, of grief. For my mother’s sake, I wouldn’t let my family down.

I slowly stood up and drew my sword. The dragon drew back its head and began to laugh. The sound of its laughter was even more horrible than its voice. It made me think of a hundred bloody corpses, of tragic battles, and of death.

“What are you going to do with that toothpick? Scratch me behind the ears.” The beast sneered at me, mocked me.

I faced him head on and straightened my shoulders. My eyes narrowed in defiance.

“I’m going to avenge the death of my mother. I’m going to kill you!” I shouted the words, just wishing he could feel the pain I did.

The monster laughed again. Suddenly, he swiped a paw at me, knocking my legs out from underneath me. I landed in a heap, my sword knocked out of my hand. It clattered away from me and landed too far away to reach. I stretched out my arm for it desperately but I already knew it was too far away.

While I was reaching, I felt the dragon loom over me. He smashed his foot into my body, knocking the breath out of me. His claws curled around my shoulders. I could feel them digging into my shoulders. I screamed in pain.

“Aww, you do feel pain,” the dragon observed in a disconnected way, almost as if he were watching a play. “I was beginning to wonder about your kind.”

I gritted my teeth. The pain of his claws was almost unbearable. Waves of nausea swept over me and I threw up. After I wiped my mouth, I noted with some satisfaction that I had managed to puke all over the dragon’s foot. At least he would have to take a bath after he killed me.

“Well, since you do feel pain,” he mused, “maybe this day won’t be a complete waste after all.”

I braced myself for torture.

But it never came. Instead, I heard a rumbling from deep inside the dragon’s chest. It evolved into speech and I realized that he was reciting a verse, a spell.

“In payment of this debt, a dragon’s and human’s bodies have met. Let her be fire and heat, never saving water to meet.”

I immediately gasped and doubled over in pain. The dragon had taken his claws out of my back which burned like acid. I started to feel like I had the world’s highest fever. My whole body was on fire. My eyes felt like they were melting and I couldn’t see. My bones suddenly were as heavy as lead and had molten lava running through them. Bile rose up in my throat and my whole body started convulsing, every limb giving sporadic jerks like I was having a seizure. My mouth opened to vomit for the second time in an hour but it wasn’t my dinner that came out.

It was flames.

Fire started coming out of every pore in my body and shooting in all possible directions. My clothes were burnt away, leaving me exposed and naked. Any tree, bush, pinecone, blade of grass, insect, and small animal within fifty feet was instantly incinerated. The dragon laughed with glee as I rolled on the ground, consumed with agony.

After what seemed like an eternity, the pain died away to a dull roar. Sparks still flew out of my mouth but the flaming had stopped. I lay on the ground panting, my arms and legs still twitching. The world around me started to go black and hazy. I managed to twist my head up enough to see the vague outline of the dragon’s face looming above me.

It was a dark circle filled with red.

The world turned black…


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Sun Feb 15, 2015 8:12 pm
FireBird99 wrote a review...



Wow! This was really good. Like Deanie, I was also curious how you wrote. I envy you and your family for being able to write in the first person. I have never been able to get the hang of that. So good job on that =).
Also, I loved how you have dragons in here. They have been one of my favorite myth creatures for a long time. Them and griffins, which I have in my book hehe.
One thing I noticed. You have absolutely no typos or anything....how is that possible? I see Deanie already pointed out those sentences that were amazing for emotion and the ones that sounded a little weird. So, there isn't any reason for me to re-tell those.
I feel as if I am not helping you all that much....sorry about that. Your writing is kind of above me being able to critique, especially when you have had all those people down below editing it so well. That's a good thing =P.

I love it and I want more so please keep writing!
FireBird99




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Tue Jul 29, 2014 5:15 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey V!

It was about time I read a novel of yours. Thanks for letting me know about it as well. I've been curious to see your novelling skills, so it was my pleasure to read!

What an interesting beginning we have here. You throw us right into the turmoil, mixing emotions of loss and grief to make the fuel of a battle here. I think it's might brave of Kaeri to attempt fighting the dragon, despite how small her chances looked at that point. You can tell she dearly loved her family because they were able to drive her to do something so daring. I also really love the name choice, just so you know :D I wonder what is going to become of her now... that curse seems interesting but I still don't quite know how it is going to affect her. You better post the next chapter soon!

I like your writing style and how you really bring across Kaeri's voice through the words. Also, you have no typos whatsoever, which is brilliant, because it means I won't be nitpicking at all. Yay!

I scrambled back as the ferociously angry dragon advanced on me, crushing my mother’s charred remains beneath its monstrous feet.


Wow, way to throw us into the deep end right away! I loved that <3

I scrambled back as the ferociously angry dragon advanced on me, crushing my mother’s charred remains beneath its monstrous feet. My heart was pounding in fear, hatred and anger,


So now, in the first paragraph you've already used the word anger (well, anger and angry) twice. Add in some more variation. I suggest you use a synonym when it comes to describing the dragon like 'furious' or something and replace that one.

Her ashes were already being blown to the four corners of the earth by the wind created by the fires of the scaly beast now before me.


What I didn't like here was the 'by the wind created by the' because I kind of tripped over the words and it didn't flow too well. My suggestion: blown to the four corners of the earth by the wind the scaly beast before me created. (It's not all that necessary to know it's because of the fire that the wind was created.)

I braced myself for the excruciating pain and the death I knew would follow soon after.


She's just going to give up like that? No reaction emotionally to facing her death head on? Tell us how she stood, ready to face it with nerves of steel, or her knees gave way and she fell to the floor out of fright, or she tried to dodge to the side even though it was a helpless attempt... anything!

I didn’t even when the beast began to sniff my face,


Perhaps add in the word 'flinch' between even and when?

Wait a sec, does she talk to dragons on a daily basis? Does she know everything there is to know about them? Because I was surprised when the dragon opened its mouth and started talking. Did she know dragons could talk? It didn't sound like he had done any before this, in their battle. Maybe Kaeri should be surprised or it should have some affect on her. If she does it know can talk, maybe she wonders why the beast is talking to her, opposed to her mother.

Which begs the question... why didn't the dragon pause and talk to her mother too? I mean, her mother must smell like her father as well, seeing as she must hang out with her husband an awful lot. Maybe it's not in her blood but I don't doubt the dragon couldn't smell it. Also, seeing as that is the sole reason he paused and talked to Kaeri, I want to know why he didn't do the same for her mother. You've got to give some reasoning here!

Ummmm…..thank you?”


You only need one 'm' in um otherwise it's overly excessive. Also, make sure you only use three dots when you are going to use them in a row, again because it would be overly excessive and not grammatically correct. On top of this, a mistake that is often made on YWS has popped up. You need a space after the ellipsis because otherwise you will be connecting the two words together. Seeing as that technically makes no sense, you need to have that all important space in there, as I like to call it.

“He was not a killer,” I shouted back. “He was a hero!”


Does Kaeri really want to argue with an angry and big dragon who has the ability to kill her at any moment? Maybe she should just accept the wound to her pride, and start thinking through what she is saying. When faced with moments like these, humans tend to be more careful because their survival instincts have kicked in. So I can imagine her thinking through everything she is saying and seeing if she can find a way to survive using words.

But at the same time we do need her to start fighting the dragon so she can get cursed in the story. So maybe mention how the wound to her pride was too big to bear, than the memory comes by and describe her emotions in detail as she is going to attack.

I had loved my father and now that someone or something, in this case, was degrading him. Well, I couldn’t stand it.


The sentences here should really be connected. I feel like it should be: I had loved my father and now that someone was degrading him, I couldn't stand it. I took out the whole 'or something, in this case' because you refer to the dragon as he throughout the chapter, labeling it as a being. Maybe not a human being, but an animal being. (Ugh, don't get me to start talking about the science in things. Never goes down well.)

Always remember what your family is.


I think her family was part of the human species. :P I think instead of what you meant who, in this case.

You’re the last of us now.


Didn't the mother only just die? And the father died before that... so how would he even know that Kaeri was the last of them yet? Because he should know that his wife was still alive at that moment, and there were two... so... Maybe make it a thought of her own that she is the last of them now.

toothpick? Scratch me behind the ears.” The beast sneered at me, mocked me.


You can cut out the last two words because through the dialogue we can clearly tell she is being mocked, so they are unnecessary.

Suddenly, he swiped a paw at me, knocking my legs out from underneath me. I landed in a heap, my sword knocked out of my hand. It clattered away from me and landed too far away to reach. I stretched out my arm for it desperately but I already knew it was too far away.


Okay, there were a few problems with this paragraph. On the whole, you really do use the word 'me' far too much, and it isn't even necessary in most cases. So it is something to look out for throughout your chapter and try to cut down on. Now I am going to dissect this in bits so I can tackle the other minor problems.

knocking my legs out from underneath me. I landed in a heap, my sword knocked out of my hand.


Try not to use the same vocabulary too much and too close together. In this case it would be the word 'knocked'. So perhaps the second one could be something like 'my sword slipped out of my hand.'

too far away to reach. I stretched out my arm for it desperately but I already knew it was too far away


Again, you repeat too far away twice. My suggestion for the second one would simply change the second one to 'hopeless' as in 'I already know it was a hopeless attempt.'

His claws curled around my shoulders. I could feel them digging into my shoulders.


You repeat shoulders twice. (Seeing as I am picking out the same problem, it means you only have to solve a few and then you're writing can truly shine.) Suggestion: combine the two sentences. Example: I could feel his claws digging into my shoulders as they curled around me and tightened.

Don't forget to put setting in there. Are they in the village, in a crowded area? Or are they in a deserted forest, in a clearing, which is why there is no one to help them out at the moment? Or are they not in a clearing, so every stomp the dragon takes crushes another tree? Tell us! Setting is a key aspect in a story and I really want to be able to imagine where this is all happening.

I have a few questions. Why was the dragon even angry in the first place? It is good that you throw us right into the story, but we do need an explanation later. Also, why were Kaeri and her mother out there, (wherever there is) as well? It would be nice to know these small details.

After I wiped my mouth


How can she wipe her mouth when she is pinned down under the dragons claws? That doesn't make too much sense?

I didn't read the previous reviews before writing this one, due to time limits, but I do apologise if I have repeated any points. This was a good beginning and I am curious to see where it is going to go next! Make sure you keep me updated by posting on my wall or something whenever the next chapter is published.

You're friend, as always,

Deanie x




Deanie says...


Aaaand that just became my longest review to date :P



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 3:40 am
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MaryEvans wrote a review...



Why is this chapter one? I mean I looked over your other piece that had a chapter one and a two. Is this a rewrite of those? If so I have to say it’s much better in pacing and exposition so far. Just one suggestion about the beginning. Perhaps start as the dragon swoops down and torches the mother, not when she’s already dead. That way you set up things a little bit more clearly. It’s good to start late in the action, just make sure it’s not too late.

Your prose is ok, just next time you revise, think over your word choice and structure. For example:

wind created by the fires


Here "created" stands a bit odd. A better word from the top of my head: spun by the fires. And the sentence right before while not bad I think can be simplified for clarity.

I had closed my eyes at first, but when nothing happened, I opened them just a slit.


Past simple would be better here. With perfect you create distance, and here you need to get close to the character.

Another example of simplification:

The dragon’s nose was less than an inch from my face and up close, his teeth were as long as my dad’s old sword.


Into something of the sort: The dragon’s nose was less than an inch from my face. From up/so close, his teeth were as long as my dad’s old sword.
Be careful with repetitions (still on the same paragraph as above).

A silly question of mine: why does she thank him? I think a more natural reaction would be for her to stare back at him dumbfounded. And later the sudden escalation is... well a bit sudden. You should look over that moment of their conversation, something just doesn’t flow as naturally.

I had loved my father and now that someone or something, in this case, was degrading him. Well, I couldn’t stand it. My anger and hatred came rushing back and this time the fear wasn’t there to stop it. I remembered that I had a sword strapped to my hip, I remembered that I knew how to use it, I remembered what my father had said before he died.


I like this part. Well the ending of it. I think the first few sentences can be shortened or skipped altogether. The very first, for example, just states things while you can (and do) show them through her outburst.

He’d taken my hand and said,

Put this picture either after his line or remove it altogether because it breaks up the flow a bit.

Suddenly, he swiped a paw at me…

Don’t start sentences with "suddenly."

While I was reaching, I felt the dragon loom over me.

Another thing to think about. As I mentioned earlier, your word/structure/tense choice creates distance. In this case the “while” distances/slows the action. Additionally, you repeat the action that you showed right before it: she’s reaching. Thus, if you remove the first part of the sentence you will lose virtually nothing and engage more directly with what is happening.

The pain of his claws was almost unbearable. Waves of nausea swept over me and I threw up.

The first sentence is shown through the second, therefore unnecessary. The first one is telling, the second one is showing, and showing is usually better.

Another note on that, is it necessary for her to actually puke? It takes time, precious time she might need to roll out of danger or think of how to escape. In my opinion, she can puke all she wants later, right now there’s no place, nor purpose of the action. I mean I get why you have it here, but you can have her scream instead, and the second time instead of voice, fire comes out. See, much faster an action and still makes sense with your idea, I think.
(And then, again, the “after” by which you begin the next sentence distances is.)

Why is the dragon repeating himself about her feeling pain? Why does he even mention it?

I immediately gasped

Kill the evil adverb. Distance of action, yada yada, same thing I said a few times above, just giving another example of how such issues sneak up on people. Also adverbs should be kept on a tight leash and in small numbers.

After what seemed like an eternity

And again. Distance. Look for words like when, while, after, seem, almost, adverbs, and similar and think whether you really need them where you use them. They can be rather deceitful and weight on your writing instead of carrying it.

So yeah. Compared to the other thing I looked over this is much better. You have a lot of action and tension and the story and characters move well. Just remember to pay attention to wording and structure next time you revise for smoother flow and more direct engagement with the story.




Nica says...


Thanks for the amazing review! This was a ton of great advice :) I'll definitely be doing some serious editing.



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 3:25 am
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windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



The tone of the opening feels a little dry to me. It gets the job done and conveys all the necessary information, but there seems to be a disconnect between what Kaeri is experiencing (about to be eaten by a dragon) and feeling (scared but able to form calm, rational sentences).
Part of this is a stylistic thing. How closely do you want your narration to sit to Kaeri’s actual mental state? There’s not as much wiggle room in this with first person as you would get in third—narrating the story as “I” automatically places us in Kaeri head and as a result creates the expectation that we’re going to get a very intimate view into her thoughts/feelings. Consider the Hunger Games trilogy, and how all the information gets filtered through the sometimes VERY distorted lens of Katniss’s perceptions.
The problem with your opening is that it’s written in first person but it FEELS like third person. It doesn’t have the intimacy that first person perspectives need to have to feel believable to me.
The easiest way to fix this would obviously be to change to third person, but if you want to stay in first—I’d recommend that you divorce yourself from the notion of telling us exactly what’s going on, in favor of showing what Kaeri is focusing on. “He opened his jaws and I saw the red flames coming” is probably the strongest sentence in the first two paragraphs for this very reason—it conveys the sense that Kaeri’s whole world has condensed into this mouth and the fire about to explode out of it. Aim for that. Aim for panic and terror and ohgodthedragon’sgonnaeatme, and don’t be afraid to bend a few grammar rules to get your point across. Terrified people don’t tend to have internal monologues with perfect grammar.

I like Kaeri’s shift from frozen with fear to angry enough to fight back; as with the opening, as it’s written right now I think it would read better in third person, but the reasoning behind it makes complete sense and it gives us flashes of character and background, as well as telling us that Kaeri just became an orphan. And it tells us that dragons can speak, which adds an interesting ethical dilemma that wouldn’t be there if dragons were just dumb beasts.

“The sound of its laughter was even more horrible than its voice. It made me think of a hundred bloody corpses, of tragic battles, and of death” <- I like this description a lot, but “it made me think of” is kind of a clunky way to start it and also doesn’t tell us anything about WHY Kaeri has this association. Since the dragon’s voice sounds like grinding rocks, my first thought was maybe that its laughter sounds like metal clanging against metal (which would recall battle, assuming this is a civilization that wages war with armor and swords and stuff). Or maybe it sounded like the dying screams of human beings, or something. The image itself is really good, but more detail would make it stronger!

The actual battle works really well, I think. Kaeri getting utterly curbstomped right away makes perfect sense, since this is such an experienced dragon and angry fighters aren’t the best fighters anyway, and then the descriptions of the pain she’s feeling (and the fact that it makes her throw up! something that’s often overlooked when people write about severe pain) are great.

Same goes for the… transformation sequence? that the dragon’s curse caused. I’m not quite sure what happened, but that’s okay because neither does Kaeri, and the imagery you chose does a really good job of conveying how much agony she’s in while also raising my interest in the rest of the story quite a bit. It’s both a good way to begin the story and a good ending for a chapter; well done.




Nica says...


Thanx for reviewing! :)



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Wed Jul 23, 2014 3:18 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



COOL.








Hopefully way down here no one can see spoilers on the home page, so now I can ask:

DID SHE TURN INTO A DRAGON???

So first of all, I want to say: the opening was very well-done. Usually, when someone thrusts me into action, I feel aggravated--especially in prologues, although I see this is actually a first chapter--because I don't have a single character to hold or care for yet, just a bunch of shouting about bad things that have happened and a waving of swords, or maybe someone dangling from a rooftop by their fingertips, or maybe a villain laughing maniacally, and it just...I get so annoyed. I can't even review stuff like that anymore, because I get so annoyed the moment I read the first sentence.

However, even though you opened with action, you did it well. Rather than having Kaeri start the story screaming out, "Mother!!! Nooooo!!! You monster!!! How could you!!!???" or something dull, cliched, and overly dramatic like that, you showed her doing the thing one WOULD do in those circumstances and scrambling backward from the dragon that's trying to incinerate her. We know her mother is dead because there are the ashes. That's all we need, and you saw that and used it rather than overdoing it.

So THANK YOU. Because, lord. A nicely-done opening action sequence. How refreshing.

That is my main comment on this chapter, to be honest. I also like the dragon's comment about the sword ("what are you going to do, scratch me behind the ears?"), although I will say I'm just slightly confused by Kaeri's father's comment before he died. He says she's the last of them, but I read this as her mother just died a moment before the story started, so...there were two family members left, not just Kaeri? I mean, she's not technically the LAST of them until the moment her mom died, you know?

Nitpicky, but that caught my attention.

I also like that this chapter took a somewhat unexpected direction, with the dragon deciding not to kill her after all but turning her into a dragon. To be honest, this first dragon is such a sasspants that I'm kind of hoping he'll stick around and teach her how to be a dragon...even though I also see that not going over well, unless she forgets that she used to be a human and that her mom was killed by a dragon.

In other news, please tag me when you post more, because the four novels I've adopted are obviously not enough to keep me sated and I am apparently a glutton for reviewing stuff I won't have time to read once school starts in a month.

Blue




Nica says...


Okay so the whole comment about her being the "last of them" is being explained later in the book. Her mom isn't part of her bloodline so maybe I should've specified that lol Anyways, thanx for the amazing review!




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