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Asenath:Tears on the Sand Chapter 14

by Aravis10


XIV

It was a gorgeous afternoon on the Nile. The blue-green water sparkled like sapphires in the bright sun. Asenath sat on the deck of her pleasure felucca, an Egyptian sailboat made of woven reeds.

What a marvelous day for sailing!

Joseph was in the stern taking a nap, and a slave steered the boat.

-------------------

Everything was splendid and relaxing.

But, suddenly, Asenath heard a thump and was thrown overboard by the sudden jerk of the boat. In a split second, she was submerged in the icy water. She didn’t realize what was happening until her lungs began to constrict.

Air. I need air.

She struggled against the current to the top and took a deep breath before the current pulled her under again. The river was moving her farther and farther away from the boat.

Rising to the top again, she screamed, “Help!”

Then, she was back under. A rock was approaching to her left. She desperately grabbed it and thrust her head out of the water. The current’s strength tried to rip her from the rock, but she held on with all her might.

If I don’t let go, I will be alright.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a log moving toward her. To her horror, she realized that it was no log. It was a crocodile!

“Help!” she yelled. “It’s a crocodile!”

Cold and shivering, she clung to the rock.

I can’t let go. I’ll drown. What to do!

In her confusion, she did nothing. She watched with terror as the crocodile came closer and closer.

Then, without any warning, a man was suddenly standing on the rock. He pulled out a bow and arrow and shot the crocodile.

It paused for a minute, but it kept coming, now towards the man.

Quickly, he reset the bow. He shot it again and again until finally, it was dead.

We are saved!

But, Asenath’s grip began to loosen. “I’m… I’m slipping! I can’t…”

Her hold on the rock gave way, and she was back under. Asenath was exhausted.

I can’t fight anymore.

She closed her eyes, surrendering to her fate.

As the current pulled her deeper, she felt strong hands grab her waist.

The man slung Asenath’s limp body over his back. He began to swim over to the shore, fighting the current. It seemed like hours as he kicked, trying to make it. With one final heave, he pushed himself and Asenath onto the shore.

He didn’t even stop to breath before forcing water out of Asenath’s lungs. “Please live.”

Asenath began to cough. Her eyes opened. “Joseph?” she whispered.

“Yes, it’s me, my love,” reassured the dripping wet man.

“You…you saved my life.”

“Shhh. You need rest.”

“Joseph!” She fell to her knees in front of him. “I have been so awful to you. I am not even worthy of your forgiveness.”

“But you are forgiven freely!”

“How can I possible make it up to you?”

He knelt down beside her, took her hands, and whispered, “Love me.”

She looked up into his bright eyes and flung her arms around him. “I do! I do love you!”

Tears of joy welled up in Joseph’s eyes. “I have longed for this day. Why did you fight love for so long?”

“I thought that love only brought pain.”

“Ah, love is powerful. Even more powerful than this river. When it is blocked, it brings pain. But, then, you must make another outlet for your love. Blocking love brings pain, not love by itself.”

“Yes, that makes sense now.”

“I love you with all my heart.”

“As do I.”

#*#*#*#*#*

That evening, after Asenath had bathed, she went to her room without the normal trepidation.

Joseph was reading on his couch. When she entered, he stood and kissed her hand. Asenath blushed.

She sat down at her dressing table so that Oni could unpin her hair. Oni came over and was about to begin when Joseph said, “Wait. May I?”

Oni bowed and scurried out with a wink to her mistress. “Of course.”

He began to gently unpin her locks and let them flow down. “You know,” Joseph started, “when I first saw you at your shack, I thought you very lovely in your simple tunic and long hair.”

“You did?’

“Yes, where I use to live, all women wear their hair long. But when I saw you again at the Pharaoh’s palace, I almost cried in agony.”

“Why? Did you think I was ugly?”

“No. I was for sure that you had cut your hair for that silly wig. And though I thought you stunning on our wedding night, I wish that you had not cut your hair.”

“I had to wear a wig! It is horrible for a person not to.”

“Yes. I know that. I just never thought that you would be able to pin it up so expertly. No one can even see a bulge.”

Asenath laughed. “Well, that did take time.”

“Anyway, when I saw it down that first night, I wanted to leap for joy. I have longed ever since that moment to run my finger through it. Now, I finally can.”

“You may do so whenever you like, if… I can ruffle your hair!” She jumped up laughing.

Joseph laughed too. “Not my beautiful hair!”

He ran and hid behind the bed.

“Come here! I’m dying to touch it!” Asenath joked. She ran over to him and was about to ruffle his hair when they heard a knock on the door.

It was Oni. “Is everything alright, mistress?”

“Yes, Oni, it is quite fine. Go home to your husband,” Joseph said.

Oni’s eyes twinkled. “Yes, my lord.”

The minute she left, Asenath dived for his hair and rumpled it. He let out a clear chuckle and embraced her. She looked up at him, and he kissed her forehead.

“You have captured my heart, my bride. You captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes.”

“My eyes? My eyes are nothing special,” Asenath said shyly.

“Oh yes, they are. They are deep pools of creativity and natural beauty. They remind me of my grandmother Rebekah’s eyes. As a child, I thought that she was the fairest woman in the entire world. But, I met you.”

“Your eyes also captivated me.”

“Really?”

“They are honest and faithful and…never looked on me with lust.”

“Ah. Yes.”

Asenath yawned.

“Are you tired, my love?”

“A bit.”

“Then, we will go to bed.” Joseph headed for his couch.

Asenath got into bed, all of a sudden, lonely. “Joseph, you are my husband. Come to bed.”

He nodded knowingly. Climbing into bed, he enveloped her in his arms.

He is my beloved. And my friend.


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Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:20 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy heeere! :3

So there is basically nothing I can add to what Therese said, so I know my review will probably cross over into what she said in hers, but I shall try to give you something outside what she already has.

While the message in your chapter was good, and the scenes amazing (I love how each scene builds to the book, and means something), I felt as though the writing in this chapter fell a bit from the previous. Mainly, I spot less detail than I am used to seeing from you, and seeing as though you tend to have on the lesser side of detail to begin with, it's something you may want to think about when you go into editing. When I mean details, I don't necessarily mean describing the barnacles on the rock until we have this HD picture of them. Only describe the important details, as you already know and already do. But, while you always focus on the important aspects and images you want to put across to your reader, you don't dwell on them long enough for the reader to craft an image or opinion on anything before being whisked off to another part.

Okay, let's take a look at the first part of this chapter.

They go for a boat ride in the Nile, and Asenath falls into the river. While these things aren't important, it would be a good idea to ensure that your research was done properly in this part. While I don't know about them for myself, make sure that 1) The Nile river currents are strong enough to pull someone under, because strong rapids and Joseph taking naps don't go together too well, anyway. And 2) Egypt is a desert, correct? Um, would she really mistake a crocodile for a log in a desert? And, I know this may sound silly, but make sure they're crocodiles and not alligators or something. xD While you have done your research, I am just tossing these things out there to ensure you haven't forgotten to make sure of a few things.

And I completely went off on a different track than where I was going for initially. heehee Let's go through this again, trying to stay on track. So, the part where she falls into the river. Not only is my image blurry and distorted by the lack of description, but I feel as though this story is in a torrent, too - always being whisked off to another place before the reader has enough time to settle in with the scene. Most of these scenes are so short that you have to insert two or three per chapter, when they are important enough to be given a chapter all to themselves. The boat scene? That one should have been a complete chapter, and with tons more detail, because it is an immense turning point in the character development of Asenath. I thought the speed of the piece, and the lack of detail in the conversation especially, made that scene fall somewhat flat and forced. Especially, especially with the dialogue. Because, while their words were nice and teary-eyed, evoking emotion from the reader and all that, there was no inlet into Asenath's mind or eyes during the entire conversation. We need more in that part of the scene, and the entire thing as a whole. Bring us into the scene, implement the five sense as Therese said, allow us to explore her mind during the conversation between her and Joseph. And slow down for parts like that, and allow the reader to soak in the environment of the scene. Just work with it. You have so got this, though. Just needs a bit of thought. c:

...And then the next scene gets somewhat mushy. xD No comment on that, save for that I thought it was a bit odd for Joseph to become so sentimental and teary eyed as he did there. But then again, he has always been a pretty emotional guy, it seems. Mostly, I am concerned for the parts with Asenath, and how it just completely flipped her viewpoint of Joseph almost like you snapped your fingers and presto! - instant love. We should bottle that. heehee If you brought in more thought in those parts about what she isn't saying but thinking to herself, I think it would ease the sappiness and oddness of her sudden change and help it make more sense. Because, as it stands right now, not only does she seem as though she is just an emotional wreck because she's changing her view of Joseph so often, but it seems silly. The words she says seem empty without being allowed to see what she tells the reader inside her mind. Even the first person thought you like to do would be better than none at all, because especially parts like this need that extra attention to.

The part with the hair and all that was quite funny, and enjoyable to read. I enjoyed this scene the most, because it showed me the difference in their relationship now. I would have liked to see more of her shy side in this part, since she has just professed her love (and if I had shown my hate towards someone and suddenly told them I loved them, I think I would be a bit). But besides that, I think it's been the most lively scene in your book so far, and one that shows both of their characters to perfection. Joseph is everything Asenath told him he was, and likewise for Joseph. I am enjoying this relationship between them. A lot. ^.^ I can see this becoming a unique romance as it goes on into the book. c:

Onto the next chapter. Be there soooon.
~Darth Timmyjake




Aravis10 says...


Yes, this chapter is probably one of my top 3 in the "Chapters that Need the Most Work" list. :) Your comments are so helpful! I know you mentioned that I could ask for things for u to comment on. I would love a male's perspective on Joseph. Does he seem too...I don't know...unrealistic? Any tips on his characterization would be much appreciated.



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Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:42 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Hmm, he saves her from drowning, and she finally owns up to being in love with him. Well for a start that's pretty good, but make sure you don't make it cliche'. Guy saving girl, they fall in love, live happily ever after. Make sure this isn't implied in your later draft. Because it was implied like that slightly in this chapter, but a quick edit will fix it no prob.

What I'm really mainly concerned about in this chapter, is this: It's all tell and no show. Really I'm serious. There's very little showing. Perhaps in the last part where' they're playing around with each other, which by the way is absolutely adorable, you do a bit of showing, but not much. It seems like a bunch of notes tossed in together, just stating the state of where everybody is and what they are doing.

Like you could be describing a lot more as she's being tossed through the water. Also, when she's on the deck of the boat, you could have something transition between her being on the deck and being tossed in the water.

Now that weird line thing, might be a something. xD I'd suggest trying to do more description. Wolfie36 told you that description should be put there, and she's right. I had basically no picture in my mind of what everything looked like, so that would be the opportune moment to get that picture in my mind. Tell us if she can see the shore clearly. Maybe talk about the glare of the sun on her eyes. Go into the look of the boat. Just give us a clear beautiful picture with everything you've got.

In her confusion, she did nothing. She watched with terror as the crocodile came closer and closer.


Well she isn't doing exactly nothing. She's clinging to that rock, right? Make sure you say that, just to make sure that we still have that picture.

We are saved!


This line here seems rather childish and unnecessary really. Just get rid of it, and try and describe her feelings of relief instead. :D

It seemed like hours as he kicked


How about you also mention that it was minutes instead of hours? I mean, it's good that you said that it felt like hours, but in truth it wasn't so, make sure you clarify that. Just compare the two, and you should be fine.

“Joseph!” She fell to her knees in front of him. “I have been so awful to you. I am not even worthy of your forgiveness.


Is she crying during this? She really should be... ;)

She looked up into his bright eyes and flung her arms around him. “I do! I do love you!”


And yeah, I don't like this. At all. Sorry, but this little line makes her seem kinda childish and not at all mature. Like she's just excited over something, and it's not that big a deal. Try and make it more graphic and real. This character needs to grow along with the story, and she can't be acting like a child when she's been through so much pain, besides.

All throughout this chapter I think you should really focus on doing some graphic imagery. I mean, I had zero feel that she in the water, besides what you told me. So while she's crashing through the water, describe how it feels against her skin. Try and describe using more of the Five Senses as well. If you're having problems with describing, then just sit there for a moment and try and image what it would be really like just being there. The picture should start coming out to you in a moment, and you'll have to really work on the working out of the scene. It will come eventually, but this chapter really does need work. The action isn't at all that real, and I just cannot get that picture in my head.

I'm not saying of course that this chapter sucks. Granted, there are definitely good parts about this. For starters, you portray their relationship in the end, as playful and innocent. Nothing too drastic that made us get funny ideas. I believe Joseph has like a mop of brown hair? I think I remember it like that. Make sure you reinstate that fact, when they are doing this. Asenath's hair is rather hard to forget since it's sooo long, as she's the main character, but his is harder to forget.

OK, I'm done! I hope this didn't sound harsh, in any way, shape or form :D

Keep writing! You've got an awesome idea here!

~Cricket




Aravis10 says...


Don't worry; it wasn't too harsh. I totally understand what you are saying and agree that I can work on this chapter. I want their love to be beautiful and fresh if I can use that word, not just a bore. Thanks for the tips!



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Tue Jul 22, 2014 5:50 am
Wolfical wrote a review...



I'm surprised that I arrived in time for a Green Room review! Here we go!

Let's talk about that line thingy first...

It was a gorgeous afternoon on the Nile. The blue-green water sparkled like sapphires in the bright sun. Asenath sat on the deck of her pleasure felucca, an Egyptian sailboat made of woven reeds.

What a marvelous day for sailing!

Joseph was in the stern taking a nap, and a slave steered the boat.

-------------------

Everything was splendid and relaxing.

But, suddenly, Asenath heard a thump and was thrown overboard...

To begin with, I feel like the lines "What a marvelous day..." and "Joseph was in the stern..." should be switched, and the latter ("Joseph...") should be tacked onto the end of the first paragraph.
As for the "missing" part, maybe you can describe the marvelous day a little better. For example, you can talk about the soft wind blowing through Asenath's hair and the fresh air. You can describe the blue sky and the lush vegetation on the shore.
I also feel like something is missing before Asenath is thrown overboard. It's a lovely day on the Nile, then BOOM. Cold water. No air. Can't breathe. It all seems a little too sudden. Ease up to it a little better, like this: "But, suddenly, Asenath heard a thump (on the deck?). Before she could blink, she was thrust overboard and into the river." See what I mean?
I can’t let go. I’ll drown. What to do!

The last sentence doesn't seem right. "What can I do?" sounds better to me, but I'm not really sure.
She fell to her knees in front of him

If Asenath was already laying on the ground, than she wouldn't fall to her knees. She would have to stand before she would do that.
“How can I possible make it up to you?”

Possibly.
“I do! I do love you!”

Awwwww! <3
Asenath got into bed, all of a sudden, lonely.

This should be: "Asenath got into bed, and all of a sudden, felt lonely."

Wow!!! I love this so much! You've made Joseph as a great character in this book. When they were playing with their hair, I was smiling and laughing the whole time!!! You did a wonderful job on this chapter. :D
I hope I helped out with that first part!

Image




Aravis10 says...


Thank you so much! All of your comments were so helpful! I have Chapter 15 up too, and ,if u want, I can put up the next chapter today.



Wolfical says...


DO IT! ;)



Aravis10 says...


Chapters 15 and 16 are up! Whenever you got time!



Wolfical says...


Awesome! I might be able to tomorrow, possibly today...



Aravis10 says...


That's fine! Don't feel rushed!



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:03 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.
So this work was very interesting. :)

What Went Well

1. It's ironic, sarcastic and funny in places, and I like reading that way: "We are saved!" You don't take yourself too seriously in the voice of this piece
2. The length (always important I think) is good for what you're writing about.
3. Good characterisation: "Asenath laughed. “Well, that did take time.”" I think this Asenath is a bit of poopybrain XD


Even Better If

1. You wrote more. There is always more.
2. There could be more character description I think. :)


It was good
Keep writing!




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:58 pm
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Aravis10 says...



Hello people! I am back for a few days! Yay! Anyways.....see that weird line after like the first few sentences? I know it needs something there, but I'm not sure what. Any help? And I would also randomly like to say-Thank you people who are following my story!!!!! You are AWESOME! You are my inspiration to keep going even when I hit a mental wall (if that makes sense). I would love to review some of your stuff to return the favor. Just tell me any time, k?





Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain