Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Teen Fiction

E - Everyone

Sorrowful Like Her

by Authorian


She looked out over the city, quiet, serene, simple. A certain coldness was in her eyes, one that burned into the soul of all who saw her. No one knew who she was. Though she was always there every Thursday evening. On top of the highest building in the small town… ten stories high.

Several attempts had been made to get her down. By the time people got up there she was gone. She had become as part of the scenery to those living in the small town, but for me, being my first there, she stuck out like a great, serene, angel. To worried with matters of the high above to care for those below. And although her eyes were cold as ice, I could see the sadness in them. Cold, but miserable. No- not miserable. Sorrowful. Yeah.

I lived across the road from the building. Every thursday after school I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes. For some reason, the more I stared at her, the sadder I became. Yet, also, the more I stared at her, the more I loved her.

Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful young girl who stood on the roof on thursdays.

Maybe it was her flowing brown hair, or her simple brown dress, torn at the edges. Perhaps it was how beautiful she was, or how serene.

Or how sorrowful.

I felt so close to her, every time I saw her I felt as if I knew her. But of course I didn’t.

After a while, looking at her made me feel bitter, and sorrowful. My feelings slowly died away.

Now I stand atop the building opposite hers. Every Monday, looking towards the horizon as the sun sets to my back. Silently screaming at the sad, cruelness of the world.

Yes, it might have been the sadness, or the sereneness, but one thing is certain.

My soul has become as sorrowful as her heart.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 515
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Jul 13, 2014 11:45 pm
MyndiIkkoku wrote a review...



Allo, there, Myndi here to give ya a review.

Positives first, of course. I have to say, I love the idea of this. The vagueness of this is perfect for something like this. It keeps the reader detached enough to accept when it is over, but not too detached to where they do not care whether or not it is over. It is simple and concise, and I appreciate that in a piece.

I had several problems with this, though, and it did not reside so much in the idea and concept, as it did the writing itself that took me out of the piece several times. I believe you are telling rather than showing. There is no progression, and, although this is a short piece, progression is almost necessary to keep the reader interested. Also, the showing technique will help to reader to read on their own, rather than you telling them how to read (which is the telling technique, which is commonly avoided).

Yet, also, the more I stared at her, the more I loved her.

Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful young girl who stood on the roof on thursdays.


Take that quote for example. This character had grown to love this girl that stood on the roof opposite their building. Boom. No warning, nothing. You could have easily kept this short and fed the reader some *progression*. For example...
"Yet, also, the more I stared at her, I felt my pulse quicken and my heart ache. I felt as if I could be there in an instant, but the thought that I would not find her there when I arrived made the pain worse. I think I loved her.

Yes, I'd grown to love the sorrowful young girl who stood on the roof on Thursdays."

Something like that would immensely improve a piece because I am showing, not telling. Simply stating that a character has a certain feeling does not help the reader to understand them. How is that emotion showing in their face, or in their body language? How does it affect the rest of their body?

Other than your "telling," there are a few grammatical errors, and then certain changes I think would improve phrases or sentences.


She had become as part of the scenery to those living in the small town, but for me, being my first there, she stuck out like a great, serene, angel. To worried with matters of the high above to care for those below. And although her eyes were cold as ice, I could see the sadness in them. Cold, but miserable. No- not miserable. Sorrowful. Yeah.


"...being my first time there..."
"...great, serene angel."
"Too worried with matters..."
And, I would change that sentence slightly as well. Possibly to...
"Too worried with the matters of the world above to care for those of the world below."
(Unless of course, "those" in the second half of the sentence refers to the people. Then, you would put "those below.")
That "Sorrowful. Yeah," is so awkward, I am not sure how to explain it. I was so abruptly taken out of the story because of that weird, "Yeah," sitting there, as if it had been thrown in during editing just to complete the paragraph (I checked the other reviews before to know it was once different).
Instead of inserting that there, I feel like you could make it...
"It was sorrowful."
I am not sure if you have a certain style and you would keep the one-worded sentence, but this takes the "yeah" out of question, and makes it a more powerful, in my opinion.


Every thursday after school I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes.


Always capitalize days of the week. Always.

Silently screaming at the sad, cruelness of the world.


"...sad cruelness..."
Or
"...sad cruelty..."
Whichever fits you, I suppose.

Other than a few things to work on (the showing/telling, and some certain aspects of your diction), this was a good piece. It can definitely be improved upon, and I hope you can apply whatever you learn to the rest of your writing.

Good luck, and keep up the good work.

~Ikkoku




User avatar
122 Reviews


Points: 2321
Reviews: 122

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2014 9:26 pm
ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



This story sounds too short for it's own good. I feel as if there should be more of the story here. That's my opinion, but you don't have to listen to me. However, I do have things you can do editing wise.

"quiet, serene, and simple."

"No one knew who she was though she was always there every Thursday evening on top of..."

"By the time people got up, there she was gone."

"Too worried with..."

"Every thursday after school, I’d look out of the apartment window to gaze at her and her sad eyes."

"Yes, I grew to love the sorrowful, young girl who stood on the roof on Thursdays."

"Maybe it was her flowing, brown hair, or her simple, brown dress, torn at the edges."

"But, of course, I didn't."

"Now, I stand atop of the building opposite hers."




User avatar
77 Reviews


Points: 878
Reviews: 77

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2014 12:28 am
AdjiFlex wrote a review...



Nice, "serene" (you used that world like a hundred times) story you have here. I get the feeling that this would work even more effectively as a poem. There is a damp melancholy in the poem that makes your readers wonder about this girl on the roof, even after the speaker, who has contracted the same coldness that she saw within the girl. Now this being a prologue, I would definitely read a story about these two girls and get to know their stories.

The greatest element of the story here is not the sorrow, but the mystery. The city of people are used to the girl on the roof, but I would imagine they were curious when they first saw her, just like the speaker is now curious. What makes the speaker stand out from crowd though is that in stead of becoming indifferent toward the mysterious girl, she becomes entranced by her, and somewhat you could say she even becomes her. The story reflects the idea of love existing without a relationship, without words ever being exchanged. Just seeing the girl up there every Tuesday caused the speaker to eventually love her, even somewhat identify with what she seems to feel.




Authorian says...


Thanks, this story is intended to let the reader give there own view of the vague story. If you like it please press 'like'!



User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 388
Reviews: 151

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2014 12:22 am
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, Authorian. This is Pinkie here a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*

I got to agree with EmeraldEyes. This is a good story. It is dramatic and interesting piece of writing. The descriptions are very good on every paragraph in the story. It gave the image of the girl and how the main character felt like her while I read it. The characters were just seem so realistic to me. I really don't want it to end too soon. Well, it is your choice, not mines. Anyway, I didn't see any errors on here which it is good thing. I enjoyed this story a lot. I hope to read more from you. Well, have a nice day!

Wonderful Job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

P.S: Welcome to YWS! :)




Authorian says...


Thanks for the review and the praise!! I have this thing were I'm a little scared to commit to something large cause I'm afraid I'll write it bad. But I am actually heading over to submit chapter one of a story I just started. So you should get more soon!!



Authorian says...


If you enjoyed it, please like it ^^



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 1046
Reviews: 24

Donate
Fri Jul 11, 2014 12:17 am
shinobithief wrote a review...



This story is very nice.
I appreciate how you kept it short and sweet. Even though, now that it has that quality I'm not quite sure it fits in the short story category.
Your characters are nice, and I'm glad you didn't give them names. When you give your characters names, people get a liittle bit close to them. Then if it's a short little story, like this, people are disappointed when it has to end.
I saw a few general grammar and spelling mistakes that others might not notice, and I'm too lazy to correct.
Thank you for a neat story.




Authorian says...


Thanks for the praise!! If you enjoyed it, please 'like'!



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:53 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi..

This was cool. I liked it:

She looked out over the city, quiet, serene, simple. A certain coldness was in her eyes, one that burned into the soul of all who saw her. No one knew who she was. Though she was always there every Thursday evening. On top of the highest building in the small town… 10 stories high.


The short, snappy opening was intriguing.
When it's buildings it's "storeys" by the way. I think. XD I would also write the number "ten" as a word, so it doesn't spoil the flow, I've seen it in books a lot.

This was was short, which was disappointing, because there's scope to do more with it.
I found this line a bit... meh:

Or how sorrowful.

It was too hyperbolically dramatic. :/
Also, the fact you're writing about suicide is a bit... overdone? XD
I dunno.
Good writing though.
Keep writing. :)




Authorian says...


Thanks for your review, I know it's a bit dramatic, I just didn't want to change it much (I wrote it a while ago.) And I suppose your right. I didn't think about it earlier, but the idea is that the girl jumped, the first Thursday (Which is why she wasn't there.) And now the boy sees her ghost. He jumped from the building opposite on a Monday because the ghost made him so sad. To be honest, I hadn't thought of any kind of back story. So actually, I'm surprised that one sorted itself out through my writing. If you liked this one, consider reading my other short story, it's more upbeat and not so sad. Thanks again for the review!!



Authorian says...


If you enjoyed it please 'like'!




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel