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16+ Mature Content

Valus

by Audy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

This is a poetry series that will be made up of 16 cantos (poems) loosely inspired by shadow of the colossus, because whynot.

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Cantos I - Valus

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122 Reviews


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Fri Jul 11, 2014 8:59 pm
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ccwritingrainbow wrote a review...



I made sure to read this poem as slow as I could because I wanted to read every single word of it. When you say this is going to be a series of Cantos, I'm waiting to read every single one of them. When I get the chills, that means I want to know what happens next.

With the Cantos, the style reminds me a lot of the Dante's Inferno style. I happen to like that because of the comparison of it all.

The language that you used for this poem had me glued one hundred percent. There is nothing I can say that you have to edit or fix. This is a very nice poem. Keep it up and continue the cantos.




Audy says...


Thank you so much, you've been very encouraging =^_^= Second part is here, if you're interested.



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 10:18 pm
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fortis wrote a review...



Hello Audy!
This poem reminded me of nightmares. It might just be that way because chat was talking about it, but I have this little shiver that's running down my spine.

I don't know what shadow of colossus is, but I recognize many references to mythology in here, so I assume it has something to do with that.
So I looked up Valus, and it matched up with shadow of colossus as a huge awesome beast. I also looked it up and apparently in Estonian it means painful. In latin it means "the valley where" This is interesting to say the least. :)

Your first stanza is a great introductory stanza. I drew me into the poem and made me want to keep reading.
Throughout the whole poem you use this subtle tempo that I'm not even sure if it was on purpose or not but it make reading it very enjoyable.

One little nit pick was that I didn't understand your use of the word "surrounded" in the second stanza. What's she surrounded by? At first I read that as she was surrounded by air and sea, but I kept rereading it that way, and it didn't work, so I assumed you meant to end that line with surrounded.
Also, plums are purple on the outside and yellow in the middle... they aren't really pink. But your use of that word did give the line flavor, I just couldn't imagine plum pink, unless it's really a purpley-pink.

I wonder at the narrator's feelings toward this girl. Was she special to them? What was their relationship? How are they connected?

In the fifth stanza, I feel like "dinner" is out of place. It's up to you though.

I also don't know why strength is in brackets, and I'm not sure why forbidden has to be capitalized.

The last stanza was beautiful, but I didn't really understand it as it relates to the rest of the poem. I get the mythology and stuff, but I'm not quite sure where and on what note the poem ended, and that's not good. I can see the narrator is realizing something about forgiving himself... I don't know.

I really don't have much else to say for this other than heaping on praise. You did a fantastic job with imagery, and you also stirred something in me. Your word choice made this very emotional. It was written deftly and not too over-eloquently. I think my favorite stanza was the first one. It made it so the rest of the poem could be anything, but it also set the tone and the theme.
The rest of this was just as lovely to read, like a song in my mind.
Great job, keep writing! I'd love to read the rest of these!
~fortis




Audy says...


Ahhhh thank you so much! :D ::happy dance::

Yes, she is surrounded by air and land and sea. Might be a poor use of breaks there.

Some plums are pinkish!

Thanks for pointing out dinner, I think it's to do with it having two syllables, and the rest just one. I'll fish for another word in revisions!

Capital forbidden, because I'm painting the image of like picket signs usually in all caps. Strength is in brackets for emphasis and because when I see brackets with a word in it like that, it's almost like a punch-to-the-face effect xD Does it read that way, I wonder?


The last stanza ends the cantos, but the story continues! This is like a "chapter one", and tomorrow I'll post cantos II which will be the continuation.

nomnomnom! Thanks again!



fortis says...


I read square brackets as [insert other word here] because when they're used in quotes, they're replacing another word.
Okay, those are kinda pink but I'd call them red personally. :P



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:07 pm
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



HI!

I feel like you only post occasionally, but when you do, you hit YWS with something pretty powerful. :)
And I feel that about this work. :D
I couldn't quote the work the normal way because you put it in as an image. Clevver.
So basically...
I am impressed with the bit that looks like stairs and the whole layout in general. Very experimental.

I like the references, to Theseus and the capitalisation of Shame and FORBIDDEN in bold just makes interesting points and draws a point of focus for the reader. :)

I think my favourite part was this:

plum-pink buttresses thrust up into the clouds.

Anyone who writes lines like that deserves some applause if you ask me. :D

*applauds*

Keep writing!




Audy says...


Thanks so much! I'm happy someone noticed the stairs, I really want an architecture-like appearance for this. ^^



EmeraldEyes says...


YAY. You succeeded. :)




Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered