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16+ Mature Content

The Secret Service page #4

by cvandoren1


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

“I’ll get you some water,” he says and immediately takes off.

Panic overwhelmed me. I needed to get out of here before I was arrested! I slowly push myself up into a sitting position, my head spinning. I look around and see that I am in a small room. There is a wash bin, desk, and the bed I am lying on. The fireplace contains a lit blaze and it casts shadows in the dim room. It is the only source of light. There is only one tiny window in the room and it tells me all I need to know. Through it I see dark skies and a full moon. If I can get out of this house, the night will be all the cover I need to escape.

I rise from the bed, clutching on the posts for balance. I try to put pressure on my wounded leg and fall to the floor with a cry. I hear frantic footsteps. The Royal Guard boy runs in, clutching a glass of water.

“Are you all right?” he asks, kneeling down to help me.

I reach down to my belt for my dagger. My hand grasps only air. I look down and see that I am not wearing my own clothes.

“Where are my things?” I ask, furious. “Where have you put my dagger?”

He stares at me for a moment, his blue eyes obviously not knowing what to make of me. “Your clothes are drying on the line and I put your dagger and MY money in the desk drawer.” He gestures to the ancient-looking piece of furniture.

“And who dressed me in this?” I inquire, motioning down at the nightgown.

My fear is confirmed when he blushes. “Well . . . I did. I thought you were a boy, I swear!”

Now it was my turn to blush. He had seen me in my undergarments . . . unless those were on the clothesline now also, and I had just met him a few hours ago!

“And is this your house?” I ask, desperate to change the subject.

“It is my mother’s,” he replies.

I could not muster my surprise. “You mother lives in Redreef? When she could be living in the castle?”

He shrugs. “I have offered many times for her to come back with me, but every time she declines. She claims the castle is too fancy for her and she only needs the basics, which can be provided for her here. This is where she was born and grew up. She doesn’t want to leave it all for a life full of meaningless fancy things.”

I had never heard of life in Redreef described that way. All I wanted to do was take my family and find any place better for us to live.

I tried to stand up, but only fell back to the ground, cringing. My stupid leg!


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1416 Reviews


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Sat Aug 16, 2014 12:05 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I know it's been a while since this came out, but I saw you posted chapter 5 so I figured I'd come catch up! :)

Panic overwhelmed me. I needed to get out of here before I was arrested!

You missed a golden opportunity here! It's nice that you tell us that she is panicking, but I want to see that. Show us her eyes darting around the room, trying to find an escape. Show us her heart beating so fast that she's not so sure her chest won't explode. It's little things like that that can really make a difference in your writing. If you expand on some of these feelings, you'll be able to make us feel that much more. It's all about how the reader reacts to what's happening to the characters.

So, another great chapter here. The thing I really like about this chapter is that we really get to see the relationship between your MC and this boy develop. They barely know each other, right? But here they are having a conversation like they've been friends forever. I definitely see a possible friendship blossoming here, whether your MC wants to admit it or not ;)

I do have to say, I'm a bit confused about your MC. I've been trying to figure out if they are a girl or a boy. I'm guessing that she's a girl since the guard boy said he thought she was a boy. Seeing as it's the fourth chapter though, I'd like to see some names for your characters. I get that your characters are trying to be mysterious and all that, but it's important for you to give your characters some names. I'm sure that the boy would've introduced himself by now. If you think about it, people in real life introduce themselves to someone new within about five minutes, right? So why would characters in fiction land (hehe, I love saying that ^_^) be any different?

Other than the missing names, I think this chapter is great. Your writing is wonderful. You've kept up the same style and the same flow of the first three chapters. I didn't find any mistakes to nitpick on so good job with that. And like I've said before, you do a good job with developing your characters. I can see them growing as each chapter goes on.

Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Jul 12, 2014 2:05 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



“he says and immediately takes off” write it in a way that doesn’t require immediately. It just sounds off and too sudden. Imagine him and his actions after he says it and see how you can describe them better. Or just go like: he says and walks off. Immediately isn’t necessary and only weights on the narrative.

Right after this, your tenses slip, don’t forget, keep it in the same tense.

“The fireplace contains a lit blaze and it casts shadows in the dim room.” If you just say, the fire place casts shadows in the dim lit room, you are simultaneously stating that there’s a blaze in it, making the first part of the sentence unnecessary.

““Where are my things?” I ask, furious. “Where have you put my dagger?”” again, the second line is unnecessary. You can say instead something like: I feel naked/vulnerable without my dagger. No need to make it into a dialogue.
Who shot her btw?

They are a bit too friendly to each other. I mean with him telling her about his mother and all. She just tried to rob him, I imagine he’d be briefer in his statements. Like “why is she living here when she can go to the castle” and then he changes the topic or says nothing or goes like “let’s get you back to bed” or something.

So that’s it, you tense slips a bit and you can afford to be briefer in some places, otherwise good job, nice development of story and characters, keep up the good work.




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:14 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

I took a minute to adjust the genre here, but it made sense when I got halfway through.

There's a typo here btw:

“You mother lives in Redreef? When she could be living in the castle?”
Should be "your" mother. XD

The present tense was an interesting choice for this work considering most of the language and the style of it is archaic:

He stares at me for a moment, his blue eyes obviously not knowing what to make of me. “Your clothes are drying on the line and I put your dagger and MY money in the desk drawer.” He gestures to the ancient-looking piece of furniture


It was good, but my main gripe with it was that it needed to be longer. Much longer if you want to consider it as a chapter.

Keep writing!





"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore