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Limbo Line Train

by MasterGrieves


"This,
is Desolate Park.
Change here for Nothingness.
This is a Limbo Line Train to --"

And so it goes.
An infinity of black.
Of dust. A tunnel,
The sort a cockroach
Uses as a segway,
For its most splintered pencil
Neck.

Choo choo, they told me.
Well I offer decay
And wishful thinking back.


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56 Reviews


Points: 5524
Reviews: 56

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:41 am
dianneece wrote a review...



Hello!
To start off, I'd like to say how I didn't except this poem to feel so pleasant and I'm glad that it does. As I was reading, I kept thinking, "Wow, this kid just really hates his existence right now. But I like his attitude." I'm not sure if that's the kind of impression this poem is supposed to give off, but that's what I got from it.
I'd also like to comment on your capitalization. I like that you made proper nouns out of certain words: Desolate, Nothingness, Limbo Line Train. These words aren't necessarily depressing, which is what I thought this poem would be like from the description. Instead, it's very calculated and almost nonchalant in the context that they are used. I think you made the right choice in capitalizing those words.
I loved that you have the line "And so it goes" because (and I'm not sure if I'm right in assuming this) it reminded me of "Slaughterhouse 5" by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (I hated that book.) But this particular line felt right just like it does in Vonnegut's book. This is actually where I got the impression of some kid with attitude. The sentences are clipped. The obvious is stated. The tone has changed and I loved every part of it.
One thing I did have a problem with, however, is the "Choo choo" from the last stanza. It felt out of place. It threw me off from the poem and therefore threw me out of the world you had created. I think you should get rid of that line, or at least just that part, and put in something to contrast or juxtaposition the last two lines of the poem. Write about what these people offered the speaker, and what he offered them back.
Keep writing and good luck,
Dianne E.C.E.




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54 Reviews


Points: 361
Reviews: 54

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Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:24 am
LanguidLiger wrote a review...



I like this piece for its tasteful darkness. I dont really no ehats going on here but Ill give you. My interpretation and maybe youll like it. I think that you are showing life as limbo, as prolonged times of emptyness punctuated by wonder are par for the course. So I like the broad subject matter. Human condition is something very fun to poke and prod. And you offer in return for lifes with-holding nature yield to its power, and optimism. Nice work, keep it up.




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200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:13 pm
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi hun :D

So... we have already established I love this work. :D

What Went Well

1. Original idea = riotous success. Not only was it realistic, but it was kinda funny, ironic, powerful and interesting. :) I loved it! Well done you. (and Alex) :P
2. You've written it so well I can't change anything about it that would improve it. It's just attached to your mind as a stylistic feature. Well done.
3. The language was divine. And you had speech and less repetition than usual, good extended metaphors. Just.. well done. well done. :) I am so proud of this development in you!!!!!


Even Better If (Possible changes) XD

1. You thought of the endless loop yourself. :P
2. I suppose you could extend the idea.
3. You wrote more like this! :)

I love you ♥





There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham