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Tragedy As Ascendance

by MasterGrieves

The house of dolls has been set on fire,
And the presumed culprit lies in heat.
Procession emulates funeral pyres
With a numbing of pain to deplete.
Détente for stray dogs; save a curt toast,
As we ascend culinary lies.
The accused was always one to boast
That he need not be linked in blood ties.

And what to do about humanity?
Well, as he reasoned, humanity's bunked,
Along with the history of Great Men.
And about individuality,
It was simply a ship dying to be sunk,
A moment in time to recur again.

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130 Reviews

Points: 2109
Reviews: 130

Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:50 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...

Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

You know what that means, time to review!

Nitpicks first...

- Your sentence structure is fine but I'd suggest separating the lines so It's easier to read.

That's it, surprisingly there are to grammar or punctuation issues.

You did a brilliant job, but unfortunately I wasn't really entertained. It doesn't really give a message to me, or I just don't understand the message.

I'd suggest you making some room after the poem, to write what exactly the message is in the poem.

That's only a request, but I hope you take It to thought.

Good job and keep writing!


Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!

clubs/1983 - #0000FF ">Team Aqua Headquarters

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Points: 327
Reviews: 1

Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:59 am
caydenax6 says...

this is just so ... idek i'm still processing it but its so good. I don't know what to say other then wow amazing

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208 Reviews

Points: 830
Reviews: 208

Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:05 am
rhiasofia wrote a review...

Um okay, so, wow? Wow. Wow? I'm not really sure, kind of processing still. First time I read it, I thought it was really well done, then on the second read, I decided I just loved it. This sonnet is just flawless, and I love that you did a sonnet, because hardly anyone ever does those. Your choice of rhymes was so good that I didn't even notice that they were there the first read, which is great. I'm so picky about rhymes, but these were beautiful.

Now, I'll try to find some nitpicks and such:

And the presumed culprit lies in heat.

You could probably use a stronger word than "lies", cause you had otherwise really strong vocab.

And about individuality,

Maybe a semicolon here, because there's lots and lots of commas jammed into this little bit otherwise. I mean, they're all perfectly placed and all, I just think it would be a bit more aesthetically pleasing.

A more general nitpick is just that you start several lines/sentences with "and". And although it's fine once or twice, they stand out a lot because they're first words on the line, so looking down along the margin, I see lots of "and"s and it takes away from the overall.

But really, I just loved this. I think it's perfection as is. I definitely haven't ever been this impressed by a poem on this site, and I'm being completely honest with you there. This is great, I want to read more like this.

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200 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:59 pm
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...

Hello hunny.
New work. new review. YAY!

So... nice title XD First of all. :) Very poncy, not entirely sure about the meaning (or at least I wouldn't be if you hadn't explained, by aside from that you get points for artistic merit.) :)

Your vocabulary is expanding which is great:

Détente for stray dogs; save a curt toast,
cos I had to look up what this word meant XD I had no idea. So you have educated me in reading this piece. Also... it's got a sort of different style. Not like that underground work you wrote - which you should totally post by the way. But it just sounds new. Maybe you're turning yourself into a bit of a Wilfred Owen? XD

To quote Dr Greenway: You are what you eat ;)

Ummm, there were two things about this work which made it seem as though you hadn't written it.

Which are two things I am actually pleased about, because it proves that you are branching out. So well done.. I'm proud of you hunny. :)
Keep up the good work.
Love you ♥

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