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I had a dream

by retrodisco666


I had a dream

I went outside

And collected all the stars.

I brought them home

And locked them up

In small clear glass jars.

I lined them up

Around my house

For everyone to see.

And when it was dark,

They glowed so bright

And danced so daintily.

Then one day

I went outside

And looked up in the night.

There was nothing,

Just dark blue

And clear starless sky.

So I went inside.

picked them up

And took them to the yard.

I set them down

And unscrewed the lid

On all those little jars.

From the rim

Those stars went up

And soared towards the sky.

They hit the ceiling

With a pop

And shone far and wide.

I looked up

Saw them all

Shining all so bright.

Then I went back inside,

To my house

Now devoid of light.

But every night

I see those stars

Lighting up the sky.

Even though,

Late at night

In the darkness I lie.


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257 Reviews


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Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:01 pm
Tuesday wrote a review...



Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would first like to begin by saying this poem is amazingly well-written and holds a message within the words of this poem (I think). Plus this reminds me of a dream i had once too.

A few nitpickings:

In the darkness I lie Change to In the darkness , I lie. Also change -lie to -lay (jst a thought, but you don't have to do it.)

And took them to the yard Maybe change -took, to -carried since it sounds more descriptive (in a sense).

picked them up Since we have no idea who -them might be, maybe change -them to -picked the stars up or something similar to that.

Also i believe that most poems have some good part like this one. I like the internal rhyme that is in the poem which could create a beat like a drumbeat or a heartbeat. Also the imagery in this poem is amazing since you can see the starless night or the stars going into the sky, shining brightly as ever.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:43 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey there, Scarlet here to review!

I thought this was a beautiful poem that told a story.

I do have a few nitpicks though:

-I think you could've shortened the poem by making the lines longer.

Example:

I had a dream

I went outside

And collected all the stars.


In my opinion It could be lengthened this way also the 'A' in and shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the beginning of a sentence or a name, date, place or it's the letter I. Here's something that lists some things that may help you: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=151&t=98770#p1161530

Here's my version of that sentence:

Example:
I had a dream, I went outside and collected all the stars.




And locked them up I don't think you can start a sentence with 'and'


I lined them up

Around my house 'A' in around shouldn't be capitalized

For everyone to see. F shouldn't be capitalized



Basically the same problem echoes throughout the poem. Other than that I really liked the story told In this poem.

Great Job!

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lebqr8uvzY1qadvd4.gif


With love, Scarlet; Scout in Cabin Sycamore




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:15 pm
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Corncob wrote a review...



Am I the only one who thought this would be about racism? #MLKJ I have a dream speech anyone?
Sorry, besides that, I thought this was good. Nitpicks:
In small clear glass jars.
Comma between small and clear (two adjectives in a row)
Sky and night don't really rhyme, so maybe try to find something better for that.
Neither do jars and yard.
Wide and sky.....hmmm...
Content:
I thought this was really well written, with a great concept. It's sweet, how the narrator gives back the stars for others to see instead of keeping them for him/herself to light up their own life. I really liked how you told it.
However, some parts get a bit repetitive. You repeat the sky a lot, which is kind of inevitable, but it just started to drag for me at some parts.
Really, though, I would by lying if I didn't say I loved this poem. I totally understand why it's featured.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
+1




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Thu Jul 10, 2014 3:17 pm
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Authorian wrote a review...



I don't know enough about poems to write a review on the technical stuff. But you did really well!

The flow and beat is perfect. It's fantasy but sensible. Simple, elegant, sweet. It has a storyline, and a morale. It's very nice!! You did really good on the whole thing in general and I'll be following you so that I don't miss anything!!

9.2/10




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Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:57 am
caydenax6 says...






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Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:08 pm
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dawny9791 wrote a review...



I loved this poem! I love the imagery that you used - it was really great to help with the details. It was so simple and a great little thing too read. Okay that came out weird, but whatever, its the truth. I didm't really find anything that you need to fix. Only thing was that I was a little confused on the whole some sentences had comma's, and yet some didn't.. That's really all I have to say, I guess.




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Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:36 pm
midnightstars wrote a review...



Great poem retrodisco66!

Your imagery and word choice was spot on. You had a few grammatical errors though which is fine since no piece is perfect. I'm just going to correct them if you feel different feel free to chat me.

So I went inside.

picked them up


I believe the narrator meant to put a comma instead of a period and the second line you didn't capitalize the first letter which you did for every other line.

In the very first line of the poem you said

I had a dream

I went outside


I think it should be
I had a dream where

I went outside


The narrator also forgot to add some commas in some places.

There was nothing,

Just dark blue

And clear starless sky


The narrator should add a comma after the word blue.

I see those stars

Lighting up the sky.


I believe the narrator should add a comma after the word stars.

There are also some more but I'll leave those be for now. All and all great poem and I hope to read more from more from you in the future.




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Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:19 pm
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EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi..
When I started reading this I noticed it wasn't in the same vein as most of the other works I have read by you. The language was very basic and didn't sound at all like you'd written it XD

I had a dream

I went outside

And collected all the stars.


However, as it went on, it did begin to sound a lot more like you.

And locked them up

In small clear glass jars.


And then it didn't again XD

And danced so daintily.

Then one day

I went outside

And looked up in the night.


I am really confused by this work. I mean, it's not badly written, it's just really really simplistic. You have completely baffled me. I do not know what to say about it. At all.
Just... whoa. XD





“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas