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Old Joke, New Approach.

by Willard


A/N: The Sharknado of poems. Wait, the Saw V of poems? Yeah, the Saw V of poems.

Things happen for a reason,
They always say.
Of course, it happened,
Towards my way.

Sarah was there,
She was there for me.
We loved each other,
I swear we were meant to be.

Broke it off yesterday,
"Things don't work out."
There has to be something else,
Without a doubt.

Good thing my friend is here,
His name is Freddy.
Always honest,
And never full of cheese.

He has been acting fishy,
Really suspicious.
Doesn't seem sad,
But doesn't look vicious.

He just sits there,
With a blank look.
Is it natural,
Or is it something he took?

It's on him right now,
As we watch a movie.
All The President's Men,
And it's getting spooky.

There is a man who speaks in metaphors,
And wears a long coat.
Anonymous man,
Named Deep Throat.

"Man, I love Deep Throat!"
I tell Fred.
Fred just stares at me.

"That's what she said."


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19 Reviews


Points: 812
Reviews: 19

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 4:12 am
DeltaEcho wrote a review...



Hey there! This is a really great poem! This poem is really well written. These are my favorite stanzas in here,

"There is a man who speaks in metaphors,
And wears a long coat.
Anonymous man,
Named Deep Throat.

"Man, I love Deep Throat!"
I tell Fred.
Fred just stares at me.

"That's what she said."

and,

"He just sits there,
With a blank look.
Is it natural,
Or is it something he took?"

One thing that I would change is adding the word "an" before "Anonymous man", although that's just my personal opinion. But other than that, I can't find anything wrong with this. Also, like EmeraldEyes, I didn't understand what the joke was til the end. Overall, I give it five out of five. :)




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109 Reviews


Points: 257
Reviews: 109

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Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:37 am
rbt00 wrote a review...



Woah! Great poem there you have written.
You started off really well. The first 3 para's were quite well written but I sort of lost the thing while coming towards the fourth stanza
"Good thing MY FRIEND is here,
His name is Freddy.
Always honest,
And never full of cheese."

Try reversing the words here and there for a better read
Btw,
I really liked these 2 stanza's

"Things happen for a reason,
They always say.
Of course, it happened,
Towards my way."

"Broke it off yesterday,
"Things don't work out."
There has to be something else,
Without a doubt."


KEEP WRITING!




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200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

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Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:50 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



LOL
I didn't understand what the joke was going to be until I go to the end.
I was surprised actually, by how clever this was XD
Kudos.
I think you have a direct writing style. By which I mean: you say it like it is.
XD

What Went Well

- the subject matter was funny, relevant and good for a teenage audience
- good choice to bold the main point of the poem
- use of punctuation, spelling etc was faultless

Even Better If

- you wrote more like this
- you stepped up the language and the adult content, make this a bit more direct XD
- you turned this into a story? It works as a poem, but you could make a whole story out of this XD

Keep writing. :)





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