z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Fathers of Power Chapter 1: Aftermath

by AdjiFlex


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

FATHERS OF POWER Chapter 1: Aftermath

“The ships are now ready,” the Magmalian Prince said. Clover sighed heavily with dread and excitement. It was strange to them, and awkwardly comfortable to the prince that no one was really walking and bowing down to the royal man, or addressing him with the customary nervous formality. The prince was dressed like an average man. Only those who recognized him and approached to beg him for money bothered with the fancy greetings. And he would quickly give them a coin or two and shoo them off, not wanting to attract too much attention. People were just frenziedly bustling about.

The sky was grimly grey, a mirror atop the world it looked down on sadly. The bay had been full of business and packed day and night round the seasons for nearly a year. People were pushing in and out of Libson, to and from Bruxon, Luthor, Craynor, Dreed and even more distant continents, running from the sad reality of destruction that it seemed no number of decades could reverse. But no matter where people went, the mayhem of the war that marred the earth was there to greet them. “It should be quite some time before we all meet again,” Azar said.

“Again, I’m sorry for the hassle of having to move on these crude public ships. My allowance is cut down to nothing.” He hissed, looking discomfited.

“That’s nothing,” Star said, “I’m just grateful I’m finally off to Notherland!” She glanced at Clover with a grin, but somehow Clover didn’t reflect the same exhilaration. Instead, the young witch glanced over at the stern-faced Lex.

“Hm. Don’t expect Notherland or any of these continents you’re off to to look any brighter than Libson,” Azar said, sounding somewhat defensive of his homeland. “It’s not Libson that was attacked, but earth. You might even have trouble getting to your destinations, even with the money I’ve given you. But even if you have to kill a man or two to get through some gates, remember how small a price that is. The world might think that it has survived its vilest attack, but we few who know of the terror to come cannot act with ignorance or naïveté.” Azar studied the look on Lex’s face for a moment. He realized forcefully how different he now was from when they had first met. He was now hardened, and it seemed killing men would no longer steal his sleep from him.

Kyle stood beside the prince, his face fixed on his sister. Clover finally looked at him, and he glanced away quickly. She had a sunken look on her face, a look even more lifeless than Zen’s countenance.

“Azar! This boat’s off to Notherland in ten minutes ago!” a rough voice belted over all the noise.

“They’re coming, Jasper!” Azar shouted back.

“And this boat to Dreed is leaving shortly as well! Hurry it on! You won’t get any closer to Iceland than this in one move!”

“Very well! Lex, that’s your vessel!” Azar said. Lex nodded sharply.

“And how long until the vessel to Kundo is ready?!” Mike asked restlessly. He was a little nervous about travelling with Zen.

“There are two or three coming in it seems!” the reply came. “You all hurry or you might have to sleep in Libson another night!”

Clover sighed heavily. “Well this is it then,” Azar said. “Farewell to my five warriors. Waste not an ounce of time. Be sure that Kyle and I will not be idle. Become strong, strong enough that death itself will fear you!” the prince charged. Mike smirked and snickered a bit.

“Come, come!” Jasper’s voice insisted. Star rushed up to Azar and hugged him, then she grabbed Kyle, holding him even tighter.

“Take care of Clover,” he told her that only she would hear. He felt her nod. Clover walked over to her brother nervously. He forced a slight smile.

“You’ll be alright,” he said. “You finally get the chance to attend magic school.” His smile became less forced. “Don’t make the rest of them look too bad now.” She grabbed on to him suddenly, crying hard. Kyle almost hissed.

“You must hurry on, girl,” Azar told her. Clover released Kyle and went to Lex. She grabbed him quickly, shaking in his arms.

“I’ll think about you every day, Lex,” she whispered to him. “Don’t you dare forget me.” She felt his heartbeat hasten.

“Live.” He said nothing else to her and she released him, feeling Azar touching her shoulder. He wiped the wetness from her face, some of it anyway.

“And we’re all off!” Azar hurried.

“Dammit, Azar, the ships are leaving!” Jasper’s voice came again. Lex turned and gripped Mike’s hand.

“Good luck,” the Icemaker bade Mike.

“What need have I for such trivial things? Strength is all I need!” The muscular boy grabbed him boisterously, almost hurting him. As Lex was released, he went over to the silent girl, who seemed to be lost in thought.

“Take care, Zen,” he said, and hugged her.

“Stay alive,” Zen said.

“Come, Lex!” Azar’s voice demanded. Lex released her. The boy turned and looked at Kyle.

“Farewell, kid,” the swordsman said, gripping his arm. Lex nodded sharply.

“The ships are--”

“We’re coming!” Azar shouted back.

With the last of the farewells, the five boarded the ships that were fated to take them from the small shape on the map called Libson, and to people and places that would make them what they would become. Azar hadn’t the time to stand and watch the ships depart. “We must hurry back,” he told Kyle, “we have much to do in little time.” Kyle nodded sharply, and they returned to their steeds and lost the bay from their sights.

***

*POOF!* Red mana spread out about the highest room in the Magmalian Tower. King Aragan turned quickly. Kneeling before him was a hooded sorcerer, well-cloaked in black. “It is confirmed, my lord, the five have left the continent.”

“Hm.” A smirk arose on the king’s face. “So they are gone, and Azar has lost his sorcery, so I have no more reason to suspend my plans. Summon to me the high generals. It’s time we attack. This continent will finally belong to the Magmalian Empire! United under me, this land will move toward world domination!”

***

Azar halted his horse suddenly. Kyle stopped in concern. “Azar, what is the--”

“This feeling…” A calculating look was on the prince’s face as he felt a strange sensation. *POOF!* Suddenly, the man vanished in a cloud of purple mana. Kyle’s eyes bulged suddenly. Has his sorcery returned?

***

The prince looked around quickly. “What is this?!” he asked in a state close to panic. He saw about him a group of men dressed in Herculean uniforms, the attire of the heads of state and highest generals. He quickly recognized the Prime Minister. They were in the now familiar-looking conference room, but everyone was standing around instead of sitting. “Ki!” Azar sounded, still in confusion. The purple mana was just clearing away. Azar steadied his eyes at a man who was just rising, dressed in the fine Herculean white apparel. Azar’s eyes narrowed for a moment in recognition. That old madman? “You?! You… summoned me here?”

“My young prince, tis good to see you again!” he greeted, sounding far more sober than Azar thought he could. So Ki has been making use of him… How the hell did he track me down and summon me here anyway?

“Prince Azar!” Ki began, an irate look in his eyes. “You better not even know of this!”

“Of what do you speak?” Azar asked, trying to regain his composure.

“Our probes planted in your royal tower have sent us worrying news.”

“Your probes?”

“It seems your father is planning to launch a massive strike on the entire continent at once.”

“What?! Such a thing is absurd!”

“Think of it. You know your father at least half as well as I do. He is about to use the aftermath of the world war to his advantage. Every nation on the continent is severely weakened by the war. He will send his men to destroy and conquer! Such a tactic isn’t even unlike him anyway.”

“I give my word, I didn’t know of this,” Azar said, his brows knit. He wondered how accurate this information really was.

“The only two nations that used to stand a chance against the Magmalians were us Herculeans and the Zakatians,” Ki said. “Zakashi Village is in ruins and is practically defenceless, and we have lost a greater fraction of soldiers in the war than Magma Town.”

“That greedy old man! He would really destroy the little of Libson that is left? Can’t he think of better things to do with the forces he has left?”

“You are son of the Magmalian King and heir to his throne, yet I summon and tell you these things,” Ki said.

“Indeed it is strange,” Azar said.

“It is because you gave me your word at the beginning of the world war.” Azar remembered vividly. “You must stop your father,” Ki charged the prince, “or I will send my forces to counter his wherever they are! There will be hundreds, even thousands of casualties on both sides! And if I leave his raids unchecked, things will be even much worse! Libson will have no future!”

“Fret not,” Azar said, “I will deal with this at once.” It slipped his mind for a moment that he couldn’t just spaceshift back to the tower like he used to.

“Viknor, return the prince,” Ki ordered.

“My boy, there’s an invisible mark on your left wrist,” the old wizard said, “I put it there the minute you untied my hands and released me from prison.” Azar was dumbfounded. The old wizard snickered a little. “I can use it to summon you at will. If you clench that wrist tightly and call my name I will hear you. That will be your link to Hercule.”

Such high level sorcery! I have only read about such nifty techniques, Azar mused.

“I would have made you my understudy if you were still a wizard,” Viknor said, “though even that can be fixed if the time is present.” He laughed at the expression in the prince’s face.

“Enough of that!” Ki said impatiently, “Get him back so he can try to sort things out with his madman of a father! It is unlikely that the king will take heed, but this must be done for the record’s sake before we take action. Azar, if this attack persists and even you get in our way, we will crush you along with Magma Town… for the good of Libson.”

“Do not take the prince lightly, my lord,” Viknor said to Ki, looking at Azar in a strange way, like he knew some secret about him.

Azar wondered. Could he know of my present power?

“Hurry it up, Viknor!”

“Right!” With that, the sorcerer went up to Azar and touched his shoulder. “This is the reverse summoning,” he told him, then, in a flash of purple mana, Azar disappeared.

Kyle reached over his shoulder for the handle as he was frightened by another sudden burst of mana, from which his companion appeared. “What happened?!”

“Let’s move!” Azar said, jumping back on his horse.

***

“So by noon, then, we will have our largest unit surrounding this checkpoint,” the supreme general continued, making a circle about Zakashi Village with his finger on the large map that took up most of the conference table.

“But general, why do we need to send so much power to one village? I know the Zakatians were somewhat mighty before, but our sources tell that they have nothing of an army left since Trium’s attack,” King Aragan came in.

“The legendary Blade is the leader of the village, my lord,” the supreme general reminded. “Believe me, that is reason enough to send a thousand men.”

“You really believe one man can stand up to—”

“Blade isn’t legendary for his silver hair, my king,” the S.G said, “even in his childhood days, he has been wiping out up to a hundred soldiers at a time singlehandedly.”

“Hm. Very well then!”

“My king,” the under-supreme general came in, “I still strongly suggest we do not go forward with this whole assault. You are underestimating the other nations by attacking them all at once.”

“This is the only way!” the king said, “If we concentrate all our forces on one province, surely it will be ours, but then what if Hercule gets wind of this? They will send their whole army to attack ours, and the losses will be great! If we strike all points at once, in a single day, we would have conquered all of Libson! Then we will finally have the power to crush Hercule!”

All heads turned as the door was blasted open. The king stood at once. “Azar!”

“Father, what are you thinking?! Are you really planning to attack all of Libson in one sweep?”

“How did you get news of this?!” he blasted. Azar thought for a moment.

“I’ve had my ears against the walls.”

“Anyway, I know you will try to talk me out of it, but don’t waste your breath.”

“Father, can’t you see that this mayhem is the perfect opportunity for us to have the other nations in our debt?! Instead of plotting to destroy the villages and towns, if we help to rebuild them, they might—”

“Are you insane, boy?! This is our chance to rise and become even greater than Magma Land ever was!”

“You are ignorant as usual, father!” Azar blasted in annoyance. “I have told you that the world will soon face another massive attack! Now is no time to create trivial wars!”

“Trivial wars?! Boy! Get out of my sight! I will conquer Libson by tomorrow’s night, and you have no way of getting in my way that your friends are gone!”

“Father, I will not allow such madness!”

“Not allow?! Boy, you best not push me to have you thrown in prison!”

Azar glared at his father. He felt the sudden urge to power up and kill everyone in the room at once. “I beg you father… reconsider,” the prince said in a different tone.

“You will hear of the greatness of Magma Land from a cold cell, Azar! Guards, get him out of my sight!” At once, two soldiers who were standing at the door grabbed on to the prince, or made some kind of attempt at least. The young nobleman flashed his hands out toward them. Black currents sped from his palms and struck the guards, flinging them viciously against the walls. They bodies jerked vilely as what seemed like two black bolts of lightning stole all life from them. The men fell dead, their swords still uncased. The Magmalian higher-ups stood quickly in fright. Dammit, Azar thought, panting and slouching slightly.

Since the war, I can’t make a simple spark without feeling exhausted. “I should kill you all where you stand!” Azar threatened, trying to hide his weakened state.

“Generals, kill him!” the king blasted, his dream of conquering Libson flashing before him. Azar’s eyes widened.

Finally! The supreme general thought, rushing toward him, pulling his sword hastily. Azar pulled his blades from their cases behind his back. *SHING!* “What?! Stand down, soldier!” the supreme general blasted, pushing against Marco’s blade. The other high generals were quite hesitant to attack, thinking the king might later have them beheaded for killing his only son.

“What is this?! Treason?!” the king blasted at the shaking Marco, the man who has faithfully serve him as under-supreme general for a number of years. Azar made a fast step and grabbed the wrist of the highest general, kicking him off powerfully. “Kill them both!” the king commanded.

“Viknor!” Azar called, grabbing his wrist. *POOF!* Almost before the name was fully uttered, there was a sudden burst of purple, and the attackers stepped back in caution. As the mist cleared, two men were revealed to have appeared, the leader of Hercule himself and his new right hand, quite probably the most powerful wizard in Libson.

“What is this?! You have joined forces with our sworn enemy, Azar?!” the king blasted in ire. There was a stern look on the prince’s face. “Ki, do you really think your army is in any form to challenge mine? Do you think it wise to provoke a war between us?!”

“I know your numbers are a multiple of mine, but I, as a defender of Libson, will not watch as you destroy whatever is left of it.”

“So you think turning my own son against me will give you the power to stop us?!” King Aragan nearly laughed. The king grabbed his wrist tightly. “Zedra!” he summoned. A red cloud of mana appeared, and out of it appeared an elderly witch dressed fully in black, kneeling in front of the king, facing the Herculeans and the prince of Magma Town. She stood slowly. Azar hissed, recognizing her. This witch had helped him to subdue some of Trium’s power and get it to Lex during the Black War.

Viknor’s face grew grim. “Zedra…” he muttered to himself.

“This is our new agenda!” the king said, sounding proud and unstoppable, “Tomorrow we will begin with two assaults! A thousand of our men will crush that eyesore of a village that this legendary fighter protects, and our remaining 23,000 men will devour Hercule!” Aragan laughed when he saw the look in Ki’s face. Certainly, Hercule had at most a half of this number of men. “After this war, there will be no more Hercule, and Libson will finally be in grasp!” the king declared.

Had I the energy, I would slay them all where they stand, Azar thought. He was still breathing heavily.

“Should I have you all killed here, or will you leave to die tomorrow?!” the king asked.

“You will rue your decision,” Ki said, “Viknor, get us out of here!” In a cloud of purple mana, Ki and his allies left the place.

That Marco, the Magmalian S.G almost said out loud, I will finally get to kill him. I hope I am the one to slay the prince as well!

***

“What do you mean you cannot spare any of your forces?! Was all your jabber about protecting Libson empty and meaningless?!” Kyle flared. There was a grand meeting with all the army generals and heads of state in the Herculean province.

“Azar, talk some sense into your right hand! We all heard the threat that your father made! If we do not defend Hercule with all that we have, we will crumble under Aragan’s fist, and then Libson will meet its rapid descent!”

“Tis a hard decision indeed,” Azar considered.

“Mister Prime Minister!” Hercule’s supreme general said, a middle-aged man named Giovanni, who was almost as feared in his day as Blade was. “Are you certain you can see nothing wrong with putting your trust in the son of the man who plans to destroy your people?” He glared at Azar, but Azar understood quite well his position, and held down his head.

“You idiot!” Kyle started. Azar grabbed on to the boy quickly, quieting him.

“My apologies,” Azar said. “Yes, I know it must feel awkward having me here, but believe me, I want to stop my father as much as the rest of us.”

“And how can we be certain of that?! Lord Ki, this man is no longer a wizard, you say. Do you still fear him? We can kill him now if you command! Do not forget the struggle our ancestors endured, the bloody price they paid just to break away from the bonds of Magma Land. Our forefathers turn in their graves at the sight of a Magmalian prince in our courts!”

“General!” Ki blasted.

“It is fine,” Azar said calmly, “I can appreciate his apprehension.” The Magmalian drew from his waist a fine sword. A half of the men there, Giovanni first, drew their weapons hastily.

Easy!” Ki said, sounding a little shaky.

Azar took from about his neck a nearly unnoticeable pendant. There was a small green gem hanging on it, which was usually hidden beneath his clothes. He rested it on the table, looking down at it pensively. “What is this?!” Giovanni asked. Kyle looked at Azar in as much wonder as the rest of them.

“A sacred stone found by first generation Magmalians,” Viknor said musingly, staring at the seemingly glowing object. “The flame rune.” All eyes turned to the old mage, then back to Azar.

“That’s right,” Azar said, “legend has it that once this gem is passed down through the Magmalian generations, through the king’s lineage, the empire shall never fall… I was given this gem by my father on my eighteenth birthday, as is our secret custom… It is more precious to us royalties than the crown itself.”

Slowly, Azar positioned the tip of the shaking blade over the stone. He hesitated for a long while. Finally, though, the blade was steadied. “After I destroy this gem, never again will I wear a Magmalian crest… After this war… I will build a new empire… and together, with Hercule, we will be the guardians of Libson.” There was a thick silence. Not even the wind spoke for a while. Suddenly, the silence was shattered like the stone. “No more am I the Magmalian prince.” Again, there was a serious silence. “And after this war, there will be no more Magmalian empire!” Azar declared. There was a sudden roar of accord in the House of Hercule.

***

*POOF!* “Hold it!” one of the guards arrested, standing quickly.

“Greetings,” Azar said, “We are here to see your leader.”

“And just who are—”

“That’s the prince of Magma Town!” the other guard said scoldingly, trying to whisper.

“Our apologies, Lord Prince!” the man said, bowing.

“Where is Blade?” Azar asked with a straight face.

“He is not here at the moment,” the same man said.

“Then where is he?!” Kyle asked, sounding like he could kill them both out of annoyance.

“We cannot say,” the other guard said nervously. Kyle drew his sword immediately. Viknor grabbed on to the boy. As soon as the eyes of the guard met those of the sorcerer, something quite strange happened. A faint purple glow emanated from the guard’s eyes for a little while, but a moment long enough for it to be noticeable to Kyle and Azar. Then, the man collapsed. His companion tended to him quickly.

“What did you do?!” he blasted nervously. Azar and Kyle looked at the old man with questioning faces.

“The ancient Zakatian cave. He trains there daily,” Viknor said.

“You read his mind?!” Kyle asked, no doubt impressed, but not so as Azar, who had doubted the existence of such techniques in the science of sorcery. Viknor laughed a little.

“Let us go.” He grabbed on to them and the three disappeared in a purple cloud.

Even before the purple mist began to clear, Kyle felt a chilly feeling against his neck. As the mana moved away, Azar realized that Blade was in the midst of them, standing behind Kyle, the legendary Zakatian sword made by Oga millimetres from the youth’s Adam’s apple. A smirk came upon Azar’s face. Viknor could hardly believe what had happened. “Still slow as always, Kyle,” Blade’s chilly voice came from behind him. The youngster’s eyes were bulged wide. He was shaking. He had no time to make any move of defence. He heard Blade snicker lowly, then he felt the chill disappear, as Blade’s sword was recased.

“It’s been a while, Blade,” Azar greeted.

“Too long.” Blade grabbed the man’s hand firmly. Kyle finally turned to see him. “I see you now serve the great Hercule,” Blade greeted the old wizard.

“Indeed,” Viknor replied proudly.

Kyle was grinning. He tried to hide his excitement, but such a thing was more difficult than defeating Blade. The legendary swordsman rested his hand on Kyle’s head, on his rugged hair. “How has your training been going?” he asked the boy he used to tutor. “I trust Azar has been teaching you well.”

“Blade, a war is upon us,” Azar said bluntly, not giving Kyle a chance to respond. Blade said nothing for a while.

“Hm… What’s going on?”

“My father is going to strike Hercule and Zakashi Village tomorrow.” Blade didn’t seem frightened.

“Are you surprised?” he asked Azar. “Do you plan to oppose him?”

“How can you be so easygoing?!” Kyle blasted. Sunlight streamed down through the cracks in the roof of the cool cavern.

“He who panics loses,” Blade said. “Do you know what number of men the king will send to my village?”

“A thousand,” Azar answered quickly.

“…” Blade seemed slightly fazed by this news. “I am my village’s only defence… I have disbanded the ruins of the small army we had. All of my men are rebuilding the village and trying to make good business with sword-making and other crafts.” There was a despondent look on Kyle’s face.

“Hercule has only 9000 men, and more than twice that will strike them tomorrow,” Azar said.

“In short, they cannot spare any of their forces,” Blade deciphered.

“Right,” Azar answered.

“Where do you stand? Will you fight against your father’s army with Hercule?”

“I will,” the reply came without hesitance.

“I see.” Blade’s face was still straight.

“There was a meeting earlier. Ki wants you to get all your men to his safe-houses in Hercule,” Azar told him.

“No,” the reply came coldly, and seemingly without consideration.

“Are you insane, Blade?! If they stay here, they will be slaughtered by the Magmalians!” Kyle said. Blade looked to the sky through a hole in the roof as another thick cloud covered the sun again.

“My people might perish if left in Hercule. The Magmalians will be met by one man when they appear. My people will be safe in the Zakatian fort. I will guard the shrine with my legendary sword.”

“Are you crazy, Blade?! I know you are strong, but these men are ten hundreds!” Kyle said, wondering if Blade really understood what he was being told.

“In this cave lies the presence of Zakashi himself,” Blade explained. “By training here with this blade that was given to him, I have attained his strength.”

“Unbelievable! I didn’t know you as one to utter such nonsense!” Kyle said.

“Are you sure these men will be only a thousand?” Blade asked.

“Blade, please reconsider,” Azar said calmly, and not like he thought that Blade was being ridiculous.

“Thank you for warning me. I will prepare my people and await the enemy. Good luck to you Azar, Kyle, wizard. Defend Hercule well. This war shall be the fall of the Magmalian empire.”

“If we can, we will send aid to this village,” Azar said. “Farewell.” With that, Viknor shifted away with his companions.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Sun Jul 05, 2015 10:51 pm
Wolfi wrote a review...



The Big Review

Hey AdjiFlex! I was going to review the first chapter of the first book instead of the second, but as you said on your wall, it looks like you already published the first book (and therefore I wouldn't be of as much help)! My my, publishing a book is quite the accomplishment, especially since the novel so long and seems to have been well-received. The least I can do is congratulate you! It's so neat that you're also in the process of (or completed with, for all I know) writing a sequel. Nice job!

I think you've gathered from enough reviewers that your chapters are a bit too long. It's true for a site like this one, where people don't want to spend a very long time reading or reviewing (humans are naturally lazy), but when it comes to a printed book, of course, chapters of this length are only expected. What you have done so far with chapters Four and Eight in this book, along with a few others, is perfect: simply split the chapters into multiple parts. Your online readers will be happier, your works won't stay in the Green Room for as long, and you'll get more reviews! Yay!

Clover sighed heavily with dread and excitement. It was strange to them, and awkwardly comfortable to the prince...

Who is "them?" So far, the reader has only been introduced to two characters: Clover and the prince. Since "them" can't include the latter, this leaves us with only Clover. Maybe you meant "them" to be townspeople and Clover. If this is correct, for example, say, "It was strange to him and the townspeople..."

I like how you initially describe the prince. Because I am shown how others interact with him, I can come to my own conclusions about his personality. To me, he seems humble and appreciative of some space. On the other hand, it wasn't clear at the beginning that Azar was the prince at all. Had I read the first Black Eyes book, I probably would have known, but it's good to have a recap of the characters nonetheless, whether it be for readers like me or forgetful readers of the first book.

My allowance is cut down to nothing.” He hissed

Two small punctuation errors: the period should be a comma and the "He" not capitalized.

More than anything, there seems to be too much dialogue in this chapter. You have a lot of characters speaking at once and too few descriptions of the scene. I liked how you described the grey sky a little, but do more! Write how a character pauses to watch a seagull land on a wooden post. Describe the emerald eyes of one character, and the smooth, raven-black hair of another.

“Dammit, Azar, the ships are leaving!” Jasper’s voice came again.

This goes with the "too much dialogue" pointer. It's completely fine to have Jasper say this, but all the reader can gather about the scene is what he says. In a way, this makes the reader "blind" to what is happening. We can hear everything and can understand the gist of the plot based on what the other characters are saying, but can we actually see the scene? Not very well. But don't worry, it's an easy fix, and it's not like your entire chapter is like this, just the parts with too much dialogue. Work on more descriptions, feeding them in between the conversations, and it'll be much better.

Suddenly, the man vanished in a cloud of purple mana. Kyle’s eyes bulged suddenly.

I would get rid of the underlined word simply because you don't need it, and also becasue you used it in the previous sentence. You might like to look at this Hemingway Editor website. It's very helpful when it comes to cutting down on unnecessary adverbs. Ever since I used it for the first time, I hesitate before using adverbs, allowing myself to see if the adverb is necessary at all or if I just need a better verb. Also, what's mana? I know that it's a type of bread...

Ki began, an irate look in his eyes.

My guess is that you meant to say irritated.

Slowly, Azar positioned the tip of the shaking blade over the stone...

The paragraph that begins with this line is my favorite of the entire chapter. It's clearly important and is written very well.

“What did you do?!” he blasted nervously.

That's an odd dialogue tag, in my opinion. "Said" always works best.

I agree with EmeraldEyes in that your character names are epic. Azar, Blade, Viknor: epic epic epic. This whole chapter is epic, and I can't even imagine how epic the first book must be!

Azar is a pretty epic awesome character. From what I can tell so far, he's the "hero" of the book, and because his dad seems to be the main villain, it makes his character all the more interesting. It's nice to see a humble, independent (of princesses, at least), and rebellious prince for once. This chapter is a really strong base for his character development. We see that he's clever and an excellent fighter when his father's guards are ordered to kill him (must be a darn good father, eh?).

I know from skimming through the first book that Lex was your main character. Since he has reappeared again in the first chapter of the second book, that's a promise that we'll be seeing him again throughout the novel. Although Azar seems to be the "hero," Lex'll probably be one of the main characters of this novel, too.

I'm not sure what to think of this world, especially because there were mentions of Iceland and Earth, but also a lot of other fantastical places. Again, I'd probably know more had I been more familiar with the original book.

Overall, I really like this! Perhaps I will read more in the future. :) Always keep writing, and congratulations again for publishing your book!




AdjiFlex says...


Wow. I can see you really put some thought into this review. Thanks a lot! It's already so helpful. I will look at your points, and will definitely split my chapters into 2 or 3 parts. They don't look long in the physical book but when it comes to scrolling down with no end, I can see that reading them on a screen can be daunting. I'll definitely check your work out. Thanks for your corrections and your kind words.



Random avatar

Points: 529
Reviews: 14

Donate
Thu May 28, 2015 9:38 pm
Cloudless wrote a review...



Alright I read the first chapter without reading anything else. So take my words with a grain of salt.

I liked the story. From the first paragraph to the last I could tell that these characters have gone through thick and thin together. You wrote their closeness very well. Especially when they were all saying goodbye to each-other. It felt like they were as close as family almost.

Sadly, I didn't really get the plot. It would probably make sense more when I read the first book, but I haven't yet and these are my views. The first thing I noticed was the quantity of characters. You named off many characters so I got easily confused as to who they were. I understood that the land was in turmoil, but I wasn't quite sure what their roles were besides the heroes of the prince (I think).

The second thing was the locations. You stated many places and I couldn't really draw a mental map for them all. It reminded me of the first time I read lord of the rings.

I think that the goodbye scene could possible be written smoother. Again, I haven't read the first book so it may just be my lack of knowledge. (Take my words with a grain of salt)

In conclusion, I think that this is good, I just don't know whats going on. You are an amazing writer because even though I didn't know what was going on the feelings I got from the text carried me through the whole thing. I understood the seriousness of the situation even without really knowing the situation.

I will eagerly read the rest of your works. Keep it up mate!

P.S. The characters didn't have any description so I didn't really know what they looked like.




AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'll take a second look at that goodbye scene. Sorry confusing you with the many names and so on. Book one would have given you the background to all this, but you should be far less confused by the next chapter. Look forward to more of your reviews. Thanks again!



AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'll take a second look at that goodbye scene. Sorry confusing you with the many names and so on. Book one would have given you the background to all this, but you should be far less confused by the next chapter. Look forward to more of your reviews. Thanks again!



User avatar
1272 Reviews


Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:55 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

First off, your piece is very long. Reading online is difficult, and it's best to stick to maybe half of what you've currently put up at most. I actually only read the first scene of this because it was difficult to get through.

Onto that.

Your first scene has a half dozen characters, maybe more with the ship hands. None are given any particular defining characteristics, not even a physical description or verbal tick. You stick to expressions, which are unfortunately very broad and don't really give us anything about the characters proper. "Sunken face" tells me nothing about what that actually is. Is she starved? Sad? You're not really telling me anything about who she is or what her current emotional state is.

When it comes to first chapters, less characters introduced first is better. When you draw out introductions, you give readers a chance to learn every character as a person, instead of just a voice. Right now, your first conversation is nothing but voices.

On top of that, you don't give us any solid point of view characters. Omniscient perspective is difficult to pull off, and it's even harder when there's nothing but voices to latch onto. I kept looking for somebody's perspective, something more than straight up dialogue or description to actually get a sense for what was going on.

Your description and dialogue feels stilted, like you're trying to get a super formal tone because that's what fantasy should be. It's awkward and has a lot of rhyming/repetition within it, which is highly distracting to me.

Finally, in all your fantasy names, it was very distracting to see the terms "earth" and "Iceland". When creating a fantasy setting, suspension of disbelief is important. This means scrapping things that have real world counterparts in the name of not suddenly jerking us out of the story. I had to stop midway through the first scene and make sure this was fantasy instead of science fiction. That isn't good.

Overall, this feels like it's trying too hard to be epic, with too many characters and too little to latch onto. Slowing down how many people you give at once will let readers not go on information overload.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for taking time to read and review. Your points will improve my work.



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 1590
Reviews: 7

Donate
Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:26 pm
Amoniel wrote a review...



Hello. :)

I shall have to repeat EmeraldEye's statement and say again that this is epic. The detail and premises of this is awesome, and it seems to be very well planned out. I congratulate you on a job well done, and do make sure to keep it up! However, as I read through I did note a few things that felt off to me. :3

General Points
-While all of the naming of everything from characters to places generally contributes to the feel of the piece and is a huge feature in it, I feel that the use of the name Mike seems out of place; nothing against Mikes, but it seems too generic and modern a name to belong in this particular adventure fantasy. c:
-The use of *POOF* disorientates me. For an otherwise serious novel chapter, it seems rather childish to describe sounds in that manner. xD It might just be me though. This also applies to the use of *SHING*.

First Section
"It was strange to them, and awkwardly comfortable to the prince that no one was really walking and bowing down to the royal man, or addressing him with the customary nervous formality."
This made sense up until the part where it says 'to the royal man,'. Since it was already stated in that sentence that he was the prince, and that it was continuing to talk about him, it is both unnecessary and confusing to add 'the royal man' to this sentence, in my opinion. Also, it says 'walking and bowing down', but since these are both separate actions, I feel that an 'or' is more in order than an 'and'.

“Azar! This boat’s off to Notherland in ten minutes ago!”
I don't think that the 'ago' belongs in this sentence.

"Waste not an ounce of time. Be sure that Kyle and I will not be idle."
There are two things wrong in this piece of dialogue, I think. The first is that I'm not really sure if an 'ounce' is generally used to measure time... But I appreciate the quirkiness, feel free to keep it if you wish. xD The second thing is that I think that you meant to put 'assured' instead of 'sure' in the second sentence, as I think assured is more commonly used in these situations, and makes a bit more sense.

-In the first section, I noticed that you tended to use 'sharply' a lot. Maybe you could try to interchange that particular word with different vocabulary choices. :3

Fourth Section
"I have only read about such nifty techniques."
I'm not sure how I feel about 'nifty' being in this sentence. It feels... off... to me.

Fifth Section
-You use 'blasted' a lot in a small amount of text in this section. Could there be a different word picked out to replace a few of them?

Last Section
“…”
I don't think that this is necessary, as it could be easily replaced by saying that there was silence, or that Blade was momentarily fazed, or something. As it is, I stopped and looked at it for a few seconds. xD

Anyways, that is the end of my nitpicky review! Again, I shall state that this is a really good piece of writing - and I look forward to seeing more! :3
-Almond




AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for your splendid review! As for the points about the dialogue with 'ounce of time' and so on, I know it is not literally possible to measure time in ounces, but I deliberately let the characters speak that way. Hope you review my next chapter!



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Mon Jul 07, 2014 9:29 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hello.

Well first of all this is epic. For two reasons:

1. Detail
2. Length

Hee hee

Points:
-Good character names: Azar and Viknor sound very oldy-worldy XD
- Nice dialogue, too many excalamtives, not too many questions, just nicely balanced
- I feel like the pacing needs a lot of work, you could make certain points of action here happen a lot faster
- The length of the chapter is good for a novel
- You seem to have a very clear idea of where this is going, so I assume the next chapter will be just as detailed.

Well done, you have made a very sturdy start to your novel here. Just keep going. :)




AdjiFlex says...


Thanks for the review!




When Larry King retires in 120 years John Mulaney should replace him.
— The Internet