Young Writers Society

Bold piece. I like this stream of concious poem as well - though I think could be slightly editted to give some sense of continuity or theme. Still; I think it's interesting and appreciate you posting stuff some YWSers might not have experience reading in this form of poetry.

Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

You know what that means, time to review!

Nitpicks first...

- First off, I don't like how everythings mushed into one big block of words. It makes it difficult to read and strains my eyes.

- There is absolutely no punctuation used in this, and It looks more like a big run-on sentence.

- Names, places, states, and titles need to be capitalized. Including the first letter of each sentence.
Example:

that students pound the doors gates of education we are the medium that manifests real force not sanctioned within the powers of society even in his place not wine is fleshed by a fake smile in a grand human stage maybe or perhaps New York and play music will cater a family that invites strangers and terrorists gracious explosions

Diagonal toppings at dimension missing all the colors my hero hands drip in toe flakes and brandished copper tip noses send mail for everyone behind the troll and bridge it sends hammerheads bit by the coin in a way so modern and without blood cultures

invaded by the split off yeast it smells as if spaces in between phalanges parents needed speed bumps driven mental images of not participating in gray tones spit into ladders by a new country of cowboys but Asian ancestry dominates a tradition sung to

crowds and eastern convenient stores that scent worse off than the gentleman's and childhoods with a certain doom diamond glean within the wrists of Kansas Vietnamese

Diagonal Toppings

Hi!

So I really liked the description of this work and it was what hooked me into reading it.
Upon finding it, it was a bit... WHOA! XD

What Went Well

- you have a very "quick" way of writing, this is also part of the fact that all the sentences are together as just one, big thought XD
- you have an interesting title and idea.

Even Better If

- you really need to break up the massive chunk of text you have here. It's huge. One big paragraph. I'm thinking this was due to a formatting issue when posting (and not something you chose to do yourself) Anyways, if you need help with that, don't hesitate to ask. It plays up for everyone sometimes
- You need to punctuate this; and I'm talking at the end of the sentences and the beginning and just everywhere really.

Keep writing

Hello! TheProviant is here to review!

Now, for those who don't understand, freewriting is the art of just picking up a pencil or pen and writing whatever comes to mind. Normally, there is a topic associated with the freewrite, but if you can't write about that you are supposed to just spill random words onto a page and eventually make it back to the original topic.

It seems that you didn't exactly have a topic in mind when you wrote this, so obviously everything goes everywhere. A clear topic to write about is step one in creating a freewrite - without it, there is no structure (which, if you change topics or can't find anything else to write about on your topic you then write just whatever, so you lose structure anyway, so its nit that big of all deal, just a nitpick.)

On to grammar! Now I know none of this matters in a freewrite, but I'm nitpicky right now. Its also useful information if you decide to revise this.

"diagonal" should be "Diagonal" because its the first sentence.

I'm not even going to attempt to write all the words that don't exist.

Punctuation! Periods, commas, the works. Use them! They are your friend! This is the biggest run-on sentence I've ever seen, and there's not even a period at the end!

On to the intruginessnessness.

So, its a very funny freewrite in the beginning.
"my herohands drip in toeflakes"

Then it starts to get into social problems,
"new country of cowboys"
"but asian ancestory still dominates"

And then it just gets sad.
"in waves of self mutilation staged by barbieheads words and taking medications"

Conclusion :

Its a very good freewrite that I would love to see revised. I like how you draw in the reader and then change the tone. Lines that you would never hear in a real story appear in freewrites, and you have a few in here that should not be changed a bit.

Good day, good job, and have fun with whatever is in the future!