Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

12+

Chapter 9: The Theory

by artemis15sc


This book is no longer available for viewing here because it has been published! Click the link below to check it out!

E-book:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/sara-e-tall/alpha-misfits...

Paperback:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/sara-e-tall/alpha-misfits...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
92 Reviews


Points: 4553
Reviews: 92

Donate
Fri Dec 05, 2014 12:51 am
pendr wrote a review...



Yo. (New words!) Let's get to it!

“Are all rusties that violent?” Laurel asks when Sky tells them what we were talking about.

“No,” I grin. “Just me.”

Calista hits Sky when he mentions the arena. I guess they say about dusty children, not rusty children. They're relieved when I tell it was a work of fiction, and not a reality." I would make this chunk a part of the previous chapter. It's kind of random and would make more sense and fit better there than it does here.

"I follow them to the back of the classroom, but not before I see him, the beautiful black-haired, albino boy." To reduce the amount of commas, consider putting a colon after him

“He’s Mr. Carter’s assistant.” Laurel says, while Calista finishes, “He sits in on classes, helps with the lectures, and with our homework…” Make what Laurel and Calista say different paragraphs. I would also put 'and helps with our homework' or take out the comma before it

“He blinks.” I have?” Don't put quotes around 'he blinks'

"I am I the only one who knows the answer? Maybe I’m wrong then."Take out the first 'I' at the beginning

"Mr., Carter turns, blinking, “Billie?” he says," No comma after 'Mr. Carter'

"He doesn’t look angry, just surprised, but Lucian ignored him as he stares at me, waiting for an answer." 'Lucian ignores' to keep it the same tense.

"if I could focus without this totally overrated, not even as hot as Laurel and Calista act like he is, gorgeous, brilliant teachers assistant out of my head." it should be 'not-even-as-hot-as-Laurel-and-Calista-act-like-he-is' because you're making it be like one word,

“My apologies, professor,” Lucian replies," capitalize Professor.

OK. OK. THE TENSION IS KILLING ME. THIS STORY IS SO GOOD. I CAN'T EVEN.
One thing I would like to say is how much I appreciate the discrimination incorporated into this with the mistrust between the races and how people treat Billie because she's 'different.' That is a huge issue all over the world- in schools, businesses, and even on streets.
Fantastic job! Off to the next chapter!

SPOILER BELOW. DONT LOOK. SPOILER BELOW!
SPOILER BELOW
SPOILER BELOW
SPOILER BELOW
SPOILER BELOW
SPOILER BELOW
(I'm so close to Lucian becoming her tutor!!!!!! AAAAH -fangirls-)




User avatar
639 Reviews


Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 9:45 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



I so ship them. Billie and Lucian forevah <3 Bician. It works.

Hello, Artemis, after my fangirling, Wolf here to review.

Alright, so despite my complete and utter wanting of them to get together (they'd make an adorable couple), I'm not really sure how I feel about Lucian's subtle admiration of Billie. Didn't she sit next to him once and that was all that they talked, like ever? If so, why did he suddenly take such a liking to her? I'm not saying that's he's in love or anything like that, but he sure acts interesting and I'm not sure how believable that is. I mean he's an older guy, what would he want with a freshman like Billie?

Other than that little complaint, I thought it was an adorable chapter. The irony in it was so amazing, like when Lucian was staring at Billie, I died. My mom came into my room because I saw squealing. That was super adorable (I ship them.)

I like how the teacher reacts to Billie as well. Yep, it's going to be pretty hard for her to catch up and obviously these people all think Rusties have absolutely no use in their realm, so it just makes sense he would act the way he did. I like that, it tends to add a but more realism to the story. I'm very excited to read more (especially the chapter named after Lucian <3) Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Image




artemis15sc says...


Thanks, again, you are a dear, and I promise I'll get to returning the favor when life's less crazy. From how I see it, Lucian's get the brain of scientist, so he's super intrigued by the misfit who has magic. There's more to it than that, but maybe that reason makes it a little clearer? I'll see if I can make that reason stand out a little bit.



Wolfare1 says...


Haha, no need to return the favor! I love reading your works (and I hope you didn't mind the spam xD), later tonight I will finally get too 15 and be all caught up (until you post the next part that is).



User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 4783
Reviews: 49

Donate
Mon Jul 07, 2014 12:27 pm
PassionateReader wrote a review...



Hi again!

Kinda a short chapter. And it's all about Lucian. Oh snap. Why?? Lol. Couldn't Billie have noticed Hunter? Even a little? Sometimes I want to slap the character with their own book.

That's not advice. Just my biased thoughts. Cuz I like Hunter.

But this is definitely going somewhere. I just hope it's not going in a romantic direction. Too much romance makes a book like this unrealistic. You want to make the reader connect with the characters, not make the reader discontent with their own lives.

And Billie is proving herself a little here. She's smart. She's determined. These things about someone will make them go farther then someone with natural talent. This is true in Billie's case. But something doesn't line up. In a past review I said:

"I love the little nod to boys. The different way both their personalities were and the different ways the girls responded to them showed me a lot. For one, Billie is definitely not boy-crazy. She barely gives them a second thought. She is focused and determined to make the most of her situation and not to get distracted. Those qualities will push her to do her best at the Academy and work hard to be who she dreams."

This part of Billie's character either is not consistent or is changing with the tides. In this chapter she can't focus. She's distracted. This boy is getting in the way of her dreams. And she doesn't even realize it! Maybe you did this on purpose to show Billie's struggle with who she is here and what part she had to play in the realm. Maybe she is changing slowly since she came to the academy. Maybe one day she'll realize that Lucian is a hindrance to success. But I hope you meant to change this about her and realized what you're doing. I also hope, as I keep reading, that the purpose for this sudden turn of character will show itself and be relevant to the plot.

Well I'm sure to see more of Lucian than I want to in the future. But that's good. Every good book I've read has parts I personally don't like but then it all works out. Roses without thorns aren't authentic. Keep it authentic!




artemis15sc says...


I'll admit, when you said that part earlier, I laughed because I knew it was coming. I'll look into character consistencies. And let me say this about Lucian. He's both absolutely necessary for getting Billie where she needs to be, and one of the few who can stop her from getting there. This book may be frustrating for you but I promise Hunter will return. :)





Yeah I understand. Just thinking out loud in my review.. :P



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Sun Jul 06, 2014 9:52 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hello.

I could tell from the moment I started reading this that the fact I hadn't read the other chapters was going to impact on my reading experience. But i am trying to understand what's going on here.

- I like the fact that for your genre and writing style, you have adopted the traditional conventions of using your own "language" as it were, with the "rusties" in the first sentence, I am thinking what? And then I realised! XD
-You have lots of dialogue between the characters, which I say about every work with lots of dialogue but I LOVE IT! because it so much improves the pacing.
- I feel like this chapter is too short :/ Which is a shame because it's really good and it could definitely be extended
- The names of characters are very traditional eg. Carter, makes for a mainstream reading experience, but it works.

On the whole, you have a well-rounded piece of fiction here.
Keep writing. :)




artemis15sc says...


Yeah, it was originally part of another chapter, but I broke it off so that one wouldn't get super long. Anyway, thanks!




Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Jack Sparrow