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Yo. (New words!) Let's get to it!“Are all rusties that violent?” Laurel asks when Sky tells them what we were talking about.“No,” I grin. “Just me.”Calista hits Sky when he mentions the arena. I guess they say about dusty children, not rusty children. They're relieved when I tell it was a work of fiction, and not a reality." I would make this chunk a part of the previous chapter. It's kind of random and would make more sense and fit better there than it does here. "I follow them to the back of the classroom, but not before I see him, the beautiful black-haired, albino boy." To reduce the amount of commas, consider putting a colon after him “He’s Mr. Carter’s assistant.” Laurel says, while Calista finishes, “He sits in on classes, helps with the lectures, and with our homework…” Make what Laurel and Calista say different paragraphs. I would also put 'and helps with our homework' or take out the comma before it“He blinks.” I have?” Don't put quotes around 'he blinks'"I am I the only one who knows the answer? Maybe I’m wrong then."Take out the first 'I' at the beginning"Mr., Carter turns, blinking, “Billie?” he says," No comma after 'Mr. Carter'"He doesn’t look angry, just surprised, but Lucian ignored him as he stares at me, waiting for an answer." 'Lucian ignores' to keep it the same tense. "if I could focus without this totally overrated, not even as hot as Laurel and Calista act like he is, gorgeous, brilliant teachers assistant out of my head." it should be 'not-even-as-hot-as-Laurel-and-Calista-act-like-he-is' because you're making it be like one word, “My apologies, professor,” Lucian replies," capitalize Professor.OK. OK. THE TENSION IS KILLING ME. THIS STORY IS SO GOOD. I CAN'T EVEN. One thing I would like to say is how much I appreciate the discrimination incorporated into this with the mistrust between the races and how people treat Billie because she's 'different.' That is a huge issue all over the world- in schools, businesses, and even on streets. Fantastic job! Off to the next chapter! SPOILER BELOW. DONT LOOK. SPOILER BELOW!SPOILER BELOWSPOILER BELOWSPOILER BELOWSPOILER BELOWSPOILER BELOW(I'm so close to Lucian becoming her tutor!!!!!! AAAAH -fangirls-)
I so ship them. Billie and Lucian forevah <3 Bician. It works. Hello, Artemis, after my fangirling, Wolf here to review. Alright, so despite my complete and utter wanting of them to get together (they'd make an adorable couple), I'm not really sure how I feel about Lucian's subtle admiration of Billie. Didn't she sit next to him once and that was all that they talked, like ever? If so, why did he suddenly take such a liking to her? I'm not saying that's he's in love or anything like that, but he sure acts interesting and I'm not sure how believable that is. I mean he's an older guy, what would he want with a freshman like Billie?Other than that little complaint, I thought it was an adorable chapter. The irony in it was so amazing, like when Lucian was staring at Billie, I died. My mom came into my room because I saw squealing. That was super adorable (I ship them.)I like how the teacher reacts to Billie as well. Yep, it's going to be pretty hard for her to catch up and obviously these people all think Rusties have absolutely no use in their realm, so it just makes sense he would act the way he did. I like that, it tends to add a but more realism to the story. I'm very excited to read more (especially the chapter named after Lucian <3) Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,~Wolfare
Hi again! Kinda a short chapter. And it's all about Lucian. Oh snap. Why?? Lol. Couldn't Billie have noticed Hunter? Even a little? Sometimes I want to slap the character with their own book. That's not advice. Just my biased thoughts. Cuz I like Hunter. But this is definitely going somewhere. I just hope it's not going in a romantic direction. Too much romance makes a book like this unrealistic. You want to make the reader connect with the characters, not make the reader discontent with their own lives. And Billie is proving herself a little here. She's smart. She's determined. These things about someone will make them go farther then someone with natural talent. This is true in Billie's case. But something doesn't line up. In a past review I said: "I love the little nod to boys. The different way both their personalities were and the different ways the girls responded to them showed me a lot. For one, Billie is definitely not boy-crazy. She barely gives them a second thought. She is focused and determined to make the most of her situation and not to get distracted. Those qualities will push her to do her best at the Academy and work hard to be who she dreams." This part of Billie's character either is not consistent or is changing with the tides. In this chapter she can't focus. She's distracted. This boy is getting in the way of her dreams. And she doesn't even realize it! Maybe you did this on purpose to show Billie's struggle with who she is here and what part she had to play in the realm. Maybe she is changing slowly since she came to the academy. Maybe one day she'll realize that Lucian is a hindrance to success. But I hope you meant to change this about her and realized what you're doing. I also hope, as I keep reading, that the purpose for this sudden turn of character will show itself and be relevant to the plot. Well I'm sure to see more of Lucian than I want to in the future. But that's good. Every good book I've read has parts I personally don't like but then it all works out. Roses without thorns aren't authentic. Keep it authentic!
Hello.I could tell from the moment I started reading this that the fact I hadn't read the other chapters was going to impact on my reading experience. But i am trying to understand what's going on here.- I like the fact that for your genre and writing style, you have adopted the traditional conventions of using your own "language" as it were, with the "rusties" in the first sentence, I am thinking what? And then I realised! XD-You have lots of dialogue between the characters, which I say about every work with lots of dialogue but I LOVE IT! because it so much improves the pacing. - I feel like this chapter is too short :/ Which is a shame because it's really good and it could definitely be extended- The names of characters are very traditional eg. Carter, makes for a mainstream reading experience, but it works.On the whole, you have a well-rounded piece of fiction here. Keep writing.
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