z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Road of Stars Ch1

by Markontheworld


   Some people say the end is only the begging. Then wouldn't that also mean that the beginning is just the end of something else? What about the middle? Is it just a empty space just waiting to be filled? Time the the thread that interlocks them together?

   A never ending mystery that baffles the world even today. However, one thing has always been certain. Time can only flow in one direction, forwards. Does it really though? What if it moves erratically, skipping in an instant. Different time periods pausing and playing at different points. All connected and interdependent. All oblivious of the others existence.

   Not all are oblivious as they may seem. They watch it unfold through their glistening path. Their road of stars. Eyes every color of the rainbow filter their vision unlike others, the eyes of the cursed. Forced to silently watch the pain of the world. However few their numbers , even fewer have actually dared to walk the path. Instead taking solace in those that lived. For if they had dared, they would know the true curse. The curse of the Forbiddens, those forced to forever jump into time.

   But know we watch, and listen to the sweet deep melody of a Tenor Saxophone. The musician, Clara, slowly played out to time with a longing sadness. She was fair skinned,with stunning blue eyes, and stood at a height of 5'9" She wore a loose back t-shirt with a yin-yan symbol on it, a pair of jean shorts, and some flats Light breeze passes over the path pushing back the shoulder length raven locks of the musician. She freezes mid-note and removes the mouth piece from in between her pink lips. She let's go of the instrument and let's it hang from her neck, slightly wrinkling her clothes.

"Lane," the sax player spoke, voice a little cracked from hours of not talking,"I know you're here. Come out!"

   A minor tornado spun to life next to the raven haired teen, she watched it, not surprised in the least. Even less so when it came to a stop revealing another teen around the same age as her.  He wore a black button up, a pair of jeans, and had a tux jacket hanging from two fingers caste over his shoulder. The one thing he did not adorn, however, were shoes. His skin was darker than her's, and short curly dark hair sat atop his head. While his mouth was stuck in its usual cocky smirk, his strange obsidian eyes shone with disappointment.

"How'd you know it was me?" Lane asked,. His voice deep and wispy like the winds he controlled. A slight English accent seeped through it.

Clara scoffed, "The wind follows you everywhere." 

"And fire sticks to you like glue, but I never know where you are." He said, " So how do you do it?"

She gave a sigh, "Why are you here Lane?"

"Huh?" He asked.

"Surely you didn't come here to ask me stupid questions you know I can't answer." Clara stated.

"Can't or won't?" Lane asked.

"Lane!!!" She screamed.

"Fine, fine." He said giving in, "Falcon assigned a mission." 

"To whom?" Their features suddenly went serious. Falcon was the ruler of the road, so if you moved hear he was your boss. He was calculative and cruel. He also never did anything without reason. And when he gave out missions everything moved to his advantage.

"You." He said, "Just a simple recruiting one though, so don't worry."

She glared at Lane. The was nothing simple about a recruiting mission, accept maybe the fact that the person is already chosen before hand. Then again recruiting missions were the easiest missions given out.

"Who's it gonna be this time?" She asked, a little down.

"An unawakened from 2014," he sat down on the edge of the road letting his feet swing back and forth. He handed her a file and a map, "her name's  Liz Hollow. Coordinates are marked on the map." 


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Points: 346
Reviews: 31

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Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:47 pm
GeoCha wrote a review...



This story is really interesting, I like the concept and everything and the beginning really brain f*cked me, I loved this part
"Some people say the end is only the begging. Then wouldn't that also mean that the beginning is just the end of something else? What about the middle? Is it just a empty space just waiting to be filled? Time the the thread that interlocks them together?"

I mean wow, this story is looking awesome. I'm not a huge grammar fiend but I saw a few errors.
"Falcon was the ruler of the road, so if you moved hear he was your boss."
The hear is an error, it should be here.

"The was nothing simple about a recruiting mission, accept maybe the fact that the person is already chosen before hand."
The at the beginning should be there, and accept later in the sentence should be except. Overall though, I like what I see and I look forward to more of your work, the plot should be crazy, so many possibilities with this one. Love it!




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Fri Jul 04, 2014 4:41 pm
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



This gaze me chills, I can't wait for the next chapter! I do have a few possible nitpicks though.



Time [the the] thread that interlocks them together? (the in the first paragraph repeats)



But know we watch, and listen to the sweet deep melody of a Tenor Saxophone. The musician, Clara, slowly played out to time with a longing sadness. She was fair skinned,with stunning blue eyes, "Lane," the sax player spoke, voice a little cracked from hours of not talking,"I know you're here. Come out!"

(There needs to be a space between that comma after skinned and between with.)

His skin was darker than her's, and short curly dark hair sat atop his head. While his mouth was stuck in its usual cocky smirk, his strange obsidian eyes shone with disappointment.

(Hers doesn't need an apostrophe.)


Other than that there's nothing wrong with the punctuation as far as I can tell.

I really liked how you described the characters, it was thorough and crisp. The idea of the whole story is really brilliant and even I couldn't of though of something like this. Really great job I can't wait to read chapter two!
Keep writing!
Image


Love, Scarlet; Writer, Artist, Student and Reader






Thanks nightmare! Yeah, I need some serious work with my grammar. Anyways ch2 up too. =^_^=



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 6:02 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm a bit late but welcome to YWS! I'm here to review!

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
Time the the thread

It seems you have an extra the there

and some flats Light breeze passes

Where is your ending punctuation? :o Ok, you should put the end punctuation of your choice after flats. And how about we make it A light breeze?

She let's go

How about She lets go?

and let's it hang

And she also lets it hang.

Lane asked,.

Hmm, which punctuation was suppose to go here? We really don't need extra.

so if you moved hear he was

I hope you meant here. Otherwise, I would start to wonder how to move by hearing!

mission, accept maybe the

You probably mean expect here. Those two sound very much alive.


Oooo, a mission! A mission to recruit someone into their dead army. (I'm assuming they are dead) I wonder what the other missions would be. Killing someone? Shopping for some food? Who knows! Except you, of course.

Anyways, keep writing!

-lost






They're alive. They just exist outside time.





My grammar sucks.



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:59 pm
Dragoon120 wrote a review...



Dragoon120 here to review!


Nitpicks first, yes?

Some people say the end is only the beginning.

The correction is in bold, but I think you could have spotted the spelling error without me.

They watch it unfold through their glistening path. Their road of stars.

I think this could be merged together, make it sound more fluent. Just my opinion.
Ex: "They watch it unfold through their glistening path- their road of stars."
(That probably wasn't a good example, but you probably understand what I mean.)

She let's go of the instrument and let's it hang from her neck, slightly wrinkling her clothes.

The apostrophe in "let's" needs to be removed. That form is 'let us', which is obviously not what you meant.

Falcon was the ruler of the road, so if you moved here he was your boss.

The correction is in bold. Just a minor spelling error.

He was calculative and cruel. He also never did anything without reason.

This might just be a matter of preference, but perhaps merge the sentences together to make it sound more fluent?
Ex: "He was calculative and cruel, and he never did anything without reason."
This might just be me, I don't know.

And when he gave out missions everything moved to his advantage.

I think there is something about starting sentences with and, but that's not what I'm going to address. There should be a comma after missions.

The was nothing simple about a recruiting mission, except maybe the fact that the person is already chosen before hand.

Another spelling error that I managed to spot, corrected word is bold.

Then again recruiting missions were the easiest missions given out.

I think you should probably put a comma after "Then again".

He handed her a file and a map, "her name's Liz Hollow. Coordinates are marked on the map."

The her when the dialogue starts needs to be capitalized.

Aside from suggesting some work on sentence flow, my nitpicks are finished. :)

Now to the other part!
I love the story so far, and the character interaction between Clara and Lane. I look forward to reading more of this, and will keep an eye out for the next chapter!






Thank you! I probably should've warned people my grammar tends to suck.


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Dragoon120 says...


^_^ It was no problem.
Also, everyone struggles with grammar at some point, so you're not alone on that.



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:45 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

I personally love this story so far.
It's about time-travel, just like you said in the description.
I love the character names you have created for this piece, too.

Nitpicks:
- Okay, I noticed a typo at the beginning of the story. A small mistake, nothing biggy.

Some people say the end is only the begging.


begging - beginning

That's actually the only mistake I noticed in this piece, other than that, it's a pretty interesting read.
I would love to read more of this.

Keep it up.
I can't wait for the next chapter update.

This review courtesy of
Image






Thank you for pointing that out I hadn't noticed! Also isn't that Kirito from sword art online as your avatar. If it is awesome!!!=^_^=



Kanome says...


Thanks c:



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:43 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



Hi there, Markontheworld!

I'll start by pointing out some little things I found!

Firstly, be careful of homonyms (things that sound the same or almost the same but are spelled differently). Spellcheck won't see anything wrong with them, but of course the context will tell you when you accidentally use the wrong one. Here are a few examples:

But know we watch


Should be "now".

She let's go of the instrument and let's it hang from her neck


"Let's" should be "lets" as the former one is a contraction of "let us" like in "Let's go!"

Falcon was the ruler of the road, so if you moved hear he was your boss


I guess "hear" should be "here"?

Those are only minor things, though, and they'll be easier to notice the more you look for them!


Another thing that caught my eye was your occasional use of "fancy" words that didn't really always fit the rest of the text. You say "The one thing he did not adorn, however, were shoes", and "adorn" doesn't really sound very natural. Why not just say "wear"? And you also say "his strange obsidian eyes", which I can understand a bit more easily, but still I was wondering whether that really is the effect you want to go for.

One more thing, I found the story a bit hard to follow in the very beginning, as it seemed like you were taking back everything you said. Like "The fact is A... but is it really? What if it's actually B?" and I wasn't too sure what you wanted to achieve by it.

However, I'd like to say that I liked your dialogue and the characters' interaction as it seemed very natural to me! Sorry to have pointed out so many nitpicks!

Good luck with your writing :)


Demeter
x






Thank you! The homonyms that I miss spelled we're cause of autocorrect. At the begging of this I was trying to make people question what we know as facts. Anyways thanks for the review! =^_^=





Cool Simba avatar by the way! =^_^=




hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight