Young Writers Society

Hello Pinkiegirl13! This is icannothearthings for a short review. Happy review day!

I thought this was an interesting piece. I really want to keep reading, and I hope you put up more chapters as soon as possible. Now, I'm going to review in nitpicks and then I'm just going to give you a general content review:

"In her Eryka's dream, she was walking in the world of her imagination." Is it "her" dream or "Eryka's" dream? That's really weird.

"There's no one there and any colors to see." WHAT?!?!?!?!? This line makes no sense. You should really look over this stuff before you post it.

"Her character from YWS is only one in her imagination land." Did you mean "Her character from YWS is the only one in her imagination land."?? Because it doesn't make sense.

"(I can't italic on this laptop. Sorry) Eryka thought." Um, what?

"He always think about her . . ." Did you mean "He always thinks about her . . ."?? Because it doesn't make any sense.

"Oh, okay, Eryka. I guess that your dreams are just dreams. You know, people has good dreams, bad dreams, or nothing at all. You need to know how you as a beautiful, smart woman to get over those dreams and move on." This guy's a terrible therapist. He should probably talk to her about the dreams, even if he is a total pedo. He's still a therapist!

"As Eryka was walking out the huge building, her phone rang loudly to hear." Yes, phones ring loudly. People hear them. I don't think you need to say that her phone rang loudly.

"A/N: This is my bad chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Not!" What does that even mean?

So, this story pretty much makes no sense and is half confusing, half creepy. Everything in the story should happen for a reason. Just remember that.

Try to look over some more, okay?

VIVA LE VERDE AND HAPPY REVIEW DAY FROM ICANNOTHEARTHINGS!!!!!!!!!

Hey Pinkie!

I'm going to say that you have an interesting plot line going here, Pinkie. The idea of someone from a fantasy world coming into real life is fun to think about. I don't know what I'd do if one of my characters approached me in the street one day. I do have some problems though, most of them involving your writing style.

I'm sure you heard of a thing called "Show, Don't Tell". When you write, you're telling you reader what you character is doing instead of showing us. Instead of saying, to use an example from your piece, "He wanted her ever since he met her", you could describe the way he looks at her, or how he leans closer to her, etc. Do you see what I mean? Describe the actions of your characters in order to show us what they're feeling. That way you writing will be more full and engaging, also your reader will have a chance to dive deeper into the mind of your characters and become more attached to them.

There are also some grammatical problems. You tend to change tenses a lot, and it becomes confusing really quickly. Either stick to past or present tense.

I'm hoping in future chapters you will give more flesh and life to your story, because while the plot line sounds good so far, you need more than that to carry a novel. What you have here is a good skeleton, but there needs to be some meat on these bones. If you need any further help you know where to find me.

-RP

'Ello~~~! Rawrafied here, your fellow Rugido Sol teammate. I'm going to read this line by line and pull out anything that catches my eye, okay? :3

In her Eryka's dream,

It was bright and white for her to know where she is.

There's no one there and any colors to see.

with a pale skin.

She was thinner as Eryka.

She has a pink shirt and blue pants. Eryka stared at her with shocked. Her character from YWS is only one in her imagination land.

Suddenly, Eryka woke up with a grasp that escaped from her mouth.

"Fuck...not again..." (I can't italic on this laptop. Sorry) Eryka thought.

You need to know how you as a beautiful

Eryelle said in sarcastically.

I will focus on writing and my life. Nothing will stop me from doing i-"

Hello, Pinkie.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Overall, I like this story so far. I honestly think this is interesting to me, and probably to your future readers.
Time for nitpicks:

Okay, this sentence is sort of wrong. It should be more like this:

There's no one there or any colors to see

She has red hair and pink eyes with a pale skin. She was thinner as Eryka. She has a pink shirt and blue pants. Eryka stared at her with shock. Her character from YWS is only one in her imagination land.

Suddenly, Eryka woke up with a gasp that escaped from her mouth.