Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
I love the shivering
precise
light on a droplet as it whistles toward the tiles
from behind my
ear
This is a good example of why attention to lines is so important in poetry. I loved how you drew attention to "precise," and made it starkly hang (a precise mental image) in the reader's mind by isolating it. And then with "from behind my ear," when you put "ear" all by itself, I'm left wondering why. What did that do for the poem? For me, it brought the poem down, because you had this really good neon sign-like grab with precise and then tumbled with ear. It didn't exactly draw the mental image of a droplet sitting on an ear tip, but distracted with this giant image of an ear. And just an ear. I'd recommend moving "ear" up to the previous line. (You might consider adding "tip" to give more definite imagery. That's totally up to you, but it might help.)
And then springboard! Wow, that was a dramatic shift in perspective. You went from slice-of-life to shattering the Fourth Wall in style. That was absolutely amazing. I loved your "Can you live with me referencing "you" in general?" The only thing that confused me was why you had a / on the end of your poem. Even if it didn't up-shift to a question mark, why is it on a line all by itself? Typo?
Regardless, really good, really cool poem.
Hope this helps!
Points: 11970
Reviews: 508
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