z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Space

by Baesch


I love the shivering
precise
light on a droplet as it whistles toward the tiles
from behind my
ear

And I love the pattern my hair makes
when it falls in the coffee

I love that I am writing this, although you will never read it, and if you do,
who knows,
will you know that I mean you?
Will you see yourself in each line and letter,
each empty space,

And know that we're all empty spaces

And that I don't just mean you, I mean him as well, and her,

Can you live with the polygamy, love it
and love me
/


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508 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:31 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!

I love the shivering
precise
light on a droplet as it whistles toward the tiles
from behind my
ear

This is a good example of why attention to lines is so important in poetry. I loved how you drew attention to "precise," and made it starkly hang (a precise mental image) in the reader's mind by isolating it. And then with "from behind my ear," when you put "ear" all by itself, I'm left wondering why. What did that do for the poem? For me, it brought the poem down, because you had this really good neon sign-like grab with precise and then tumbled with ear. It didn't exactly draw the mental image of a droplet sitting on an ear tip, but distracted with this giant image of an ear. And just an ear. I'd recommend moving "ear" up to the previous line. (You might consider adding "tip" to give more definite imagery. That's totally up to you, but it might help.)

And then springboard! Wow, that was a dramatic shift in perspective. You went from slice-of-life to shattering the Fourth Wall in style. That was absolutely amazing. I loved your "Can you live with me referencing "you" in general?" The only thing that confused me was why you had a / on the end of your poem. Even if it didn't up-shift to a question mark, why is it on a line all by itself? Typo?
Regardless, really good, really cool poem.

Hope this helps!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 8:34 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for a review! Let us see what we have here! Oh and Happy Review Day!

NITPICKS:

And know that we're all empty spaces And that I don't just mean you, I mean him as well, and her,

Do not ever start a sentence with And. I don't know if I told this to you already but and, but and because are used to combine sentences and not start them! Just don't do it! I don't want to read a poem that does this XD

Another thing that you need to do better is improve your organization. Make better stanzas and don't just change stanzas in the middle of a sentence. This will make the reader more interested and more able to read your poem. I for one, got confused a bit because of the organization in this poem.

Okay. Now for the good things about this poem. I loved loved the theme of it! I mean it made me thinking.... Just this poem is so inspiring. I love it! This poem has be one of the best poems that you have made(as far as I have read so far). The title is very fitting to this piece and helped me a lot in understanding this poem. If it weren't for the title, I would be 0_0. When you make your next poem, try to make it more obvious about what you are writing about. Like with the bus poem, you knew what you were talking about but I was just so confused with the language and all. You did a great job on this poem! Keep writing! Keep improving! :D Oh and have a Happy Review Day!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:57 am
Hannah wrote a review...



BAM, back for three, and I am liking this one as well.

The very first thought I had is that I don't think polygamy is the right word -- that kind of implies marriage, like some entire construct of society that was not present in this world when your poem was being written and shouldn't be dragged in to spoil the timelessness and placelessness. Polyamory seems more like what you were going for -- it doesn't mean necessarily marriage, just relationships, but STILL that feels like a label on top of a concept that is more genuine just being a concept. I know that the poem IS, at its core, challenging that concept of you need to think just one person is beautiful, BUT it doesn't bring up society in such bald words until the very end, and I feel like it doesn't need to at all. What other words did you consider in "polygamy"'s place, or did you always intend to write polygamy?

I loved the CLEAR delivery of the switch of perspective -- will you know that I mean you? and right away, we are going over the words we've already read and replacing the vague image of someone else with our own image. But there is one oddness:

And I love the pattern my hair makes
when it falls in the coffee


What? Hair in my coffee? Do you maybe mean a reflection? Because there is no sense of that except in my own head -- no hint in the words that you mean the shape of the hair's reflection. Otherwise... a bit of a strange image! With the sweet genuine tone of the rest of the poem, I'm not sure an absurd image fits, but what were you trying to do with it? I'd like to hear your answer!

This is the first poem where I'd like to hear your thoughts about how you made it -- where did you get your inspiration, how did you build it, why did you choose certain words. I feel like because it's clear that you're really trying to speak straight to me as a reader, I feel more comfortable speaking back and asking questions, so that's a good sign if you were going for a nice, deep, natural connection.

As always, I hope these thoughts will help you in whatever you're going to do with this poem. If you want to talk about it or have me take a look at edits, I'd love to.

PM me or reply to this review with whatever you'd like, haha.

Good luck and keep keep writing, please!

Image




Baesch says...


BAM, back for the third reply, and I'm sure I'm super chuffed because your reviews are awesome. Does this mean I am awesome too? I will never know.

Yes, yesyesyes I KNOW polygamy is such an awkward word here. I remember sitting over the kitchen table thinking "weh, well what else can I say / oh scatch this crap, not like I'm going to show this to anyone or anything". Well, oops.
Polyamory does fit a lot better, but it feels a little awkward, what with syllable count. Who knows. Who knows, who knows.

Hair in coffe. I'll give you three guesses as to why I said that. You already know that I write on the spur of the moment, so - yerp, correct. My hair had fallen in the coffee. Not in the disgusting way, ok. I wasn't inundated in aromatic loveliness. It was more a "strand of hair floats gently into cup moment" and I thought I'd capitulate on it.

Probably not to the effect I felt at the moment, but does the image really have to be mainstream? I've felt pretty tender at snail-slime glinting in the morning light. I think hair in coffee fits the job :'D

Thank you for your very helpful and valued reviews #^-^#



Hannah says...


No problem! I didn't know whether it was a typo or not, and no the images does not have to be mainstream, but be aware that one non-mainstream image can seem out of place and throw the reader of your work if you're not training them to accept it! Which, if you are trying to throw the reader off your work, is fine! All criticism needs to be taken while keeping in mind the direction you want to go. Sometimes the reviewer is talking from a different direction and that's all you need to acknowledge, haha. :)

I'm glad I could be of some help! It was nice to meet you through your poetry this way!



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Sat Jun 28, 2014 12:35 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Well, let's see... I love this poem.
It's interesting to me, and probably will be to future readers.
I do have one question..

Is this punctuation meant to be this way? I am only asking because I reviewed so many poems, and sometimes they use or don't use punctuation intentionally.
I mean, it's fine. I like the format, I'm only just asking.

There is that line at the end of this piece.. is it meant to be there?
Anyways, I don't see any grammar or content errors as far as I know of.
Keep up the great work. I can't wait to read more. c:




Baesch says...


You mean the / ? I added that because a question mark seemed too much of an even, polished ending, and I didn't want to leave it open. Imagine it as though you'd been cut off mid-sentence ;) thanks for the review!




Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.
— William S. Burroughs