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Ordadus- Chapter Four

by Wolfical


DANIEL PUT ON HIS JACKET and softly closed the door behind him. It was dark, since only a faint light shone from beneath his parents’ bedroom door further down the hallway. He hesitated in front of the closed door when he heard his mother’s quiet sobs and his father’s low whispers of consolation. He almost opened the door to recount the strange man’s visit to them, but he decided against it. Matthew’s visit was so unbelievable that they could have easily viewed the event as just a hallucination or a dream.

He stepped outside and buried his hands in his pockets. In fact, he wasn’t sure himself whether the man had been real. A surge of doubt rushed through his body. His stomach hurt and his temples started to throb.

An owl interrupted the silence of the night and began hooting eerily. Daniel glanced up at the nearest oak, aware that the bird of prey was concealed somewhere in the darkness of the old tree’s branches. He felt an unjustified sense of envy surface within him. The owl’s life must be so simple. Most likely, its main concern each night was finding enough food. Was there ever any sorrow in an owl’s life? No, probably not. So what right does it have to just hide there and mock me?

Daniel glowered at the tree. He reached down and picked up a fist-sized rock. He passed it back and forth in his hands, eying the tree as a baseball pitcher would the batter.

A powerful gust of wind swept over the farm. Daniel dropped the rock and pressed his body back against the house. The wind thrust open a shed door and startled a weather vane, inducing the cock to spring into action. Daniel was startled when a bright flash of light flooded the dark sky and illuminated the night for a brief moment.

He warily stepped off the porch and eyed the cloudless sky suspiciously. The wind relentlessly rattled the farm, sending massive torrents of wind at anything in its way.

And then the sky flashed again. This time, though, three words appeared, arching across the sky and extending to the limits of Daniel’s view. They were there for only a moment. Instantly, the dark sky swallowed the light and the words faded into oblivion.

Daniel staggered backwards. The wind instantaneously died away.

He blinked several times. The words were imprinted into his mind as if they had been branded on the inside of his eyelids.

HE IS WAITING.

With this simple message, all of his mounting doubts were shoved away; one clear fact swelled in his mind, crushing his fears:

Andrew was waiting.

After he had cleared his head, Daniel jogged to the road and glanced up at the sky again to ensure that no more messages had arrived. But the enormous expanse above was just as it had been before: a comparatively blank canvas of a deep grayish-violet sprinkled with stars.

Daniel looked back down. The road lay before him, inviting him to follow its lead. Beth's house was only a mile away. If he paced himself, he could easily reach her in fifteen minutes or less. His prosthetic leg might be an issue, though. Daniel lifted his metallic limb and set it down again. He hadn't exercised much since the accident and had especially avoided running.

He could take his dad's car or even a horse, but something within him wanted to run. His heart started to thump with impatience, but his brain stubbornly kept his feet glued to the ground.

Questions swirled around in his head. Is it safe? Is it too dark? Am I fit enough to do this? Then the doubt crept forward again. Am I foolish to believe that Andrew is alive? No, an ardent thought said immediately. Not at all. Andrew is alive, and you know it. He needs your help.

The owl started hooting reiteratively. That time, Daniel was certain that it had adopted a sardonic tone.

"Alright, alright!" he said, irritated, and stepped out onto the road.

He started off slowly, almost timidly. But soon he was running, and nothing except Beth's little green house farther down the road could stop him.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 3:07 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Look, I'm all caught up! Woo hoo!

Okay, so at the beginning here, Daniel is hesitant to tell his parents about what Matthew had said. That's the kind of thing I was looking for before. It's nice that you added it in here, but I still think he would be a bit suspicious when Matthew was actually telling him all of this.

Ah, brotherly love. Seriously, I'm super amazed whenever I read stories to see brothers who are so close and so dedicated to each other. I totally understand how they feel, but I guess it's just the stereotype I have ingrained in my mind that brothers have to argue and basically hate each other. Make sure to keep up that strong bond between Andrew and Daniel as you write on. I mean, you don't have to, but it gives Daniel that drive, a reason to go to Canada and meet Sam.

There really isn't anything else I have to say about this chapter. Sorry for such a short review, but I honestly couldn't find anything else to comment on. I can't wait until the next chapter comes out!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Wolfical says...


Thank you so so so much!!!!! Your words are so helpful! :)



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Sun Jun 15, 2014 2:39 pm
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AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations, my dear friend.

Chapter Four has arrived! And you need not worry about it taking so long; my own chapters are very far overdue. As for the review, you will see that I have adopted a new format upon the consultation of several articles and numerous individuals' advice.

Before I say anything else, I should like to congratulate you on another well-written chapter. Obviously, it is not as exciting as the previous chapters, but that is acceptable, seeing as you are writing a novel and not a short story. I also agree with you in the sense that chapters four and three should rather be joined, but that you can do when you are preparing to publish it; for the purposes of this society, I think it is best if you simply publish each part of a chapter on its own, as long works tend to scare potential reviewers away, myself sometimes included.

I particularly enjoyed the imagery you used in this chapter - while it may have been short, it was not at all boring (the chapter as a whole, I mean, for the descriptions were fabulously done). I find the sardonic owl amusing and I like how Daniel was reminded of his quest when he began doubting it. It reminds me of a cartoon I once read, the subject of which was a large boulder. The text beneath it read, "If God wants to tell you something, He'll start with a whisper. If you don't react, He'll say it a little louder, and if you still won't listen, He'll shout. However, there are certain people who He needs to drop a boulder on before they get the message." Well, in Daniel's case it wasn't a boulder, but I think it comes close enough. ;)


DANIEL SLIPPED ON HIS JACKET and softly closed the door behind him.

When I read this for the first time, I thought the capitalised words meant that he literally slipped on his jacket and fell. Luckily, I realised the true meaning a split second later. :$

It was dark since only a faint light shone from beneath his parents’ bedroom door further down the hallway.

The comma is one of my favourite punctuation marks, therefore I use it whenever I can (but never unnecessarily). However, one must always remember that when a comma connects two sentences, it is normally (I say this because there might be exceptions) followed by a conjunction. Since, as and for all mean the same thing and all of them are conjunctions, so they should be preceded by a comma. (I apologise if this struck you as a grammar lesson.)

He hesitated in front of the closed door when he heard his mother’s quiet sobs and his father’s low whispers of consolation.

At first, I wondered why Daniel was still living with his parents, but then I remembered that he is disabled and probably requires assistance with certain things. Why does he not live with Beth, though? Is their relationship not that advanced yet?

Daniel glanced up at the nearest oak, aware that the bird of prey was concealed somewhere in the shadows of the old tree’s branches.

It is night anyway, so why mention this at all? If there is a light source which would otherwise have revealed the owl, then I would understand, but as there isn't, I propose either editing this part, or adding something about a porch light being on or the moon shining brightly.

He felt an unjustified sense of envy surface within him. The owl’s life must be so simple.

I sometimes find myself envying people content with simple lives as well. I am not sure whether it is ambition or something else, but I shall ever be looking for something new/worthwhile to keep me occupied. :(

The wind thrust open a shed door and startled a weather vane, inducing the weathercock to spring into action.

I immensely enjoyed the personification you used here, however, I think it would be more effective if you avoided the repetition of weather by simply writing cock.

Daniel was startled when a bright flash of light flooded the dark sky and illuminated the night for a brief moment.

This part enforces my earlier objection about the shadowy oak.

He blinked several times. The words were imprinted into his mind as if they had been branded on the inside of his eyelids.

Like when the image of the sun is scorched onto our minds when we were foolish enough to look at it.

Beth's house was only a mile away. If he paced himself, he could easily reach her in seven minutes or less. His prosthetic leg might be an issue, though.

I do not mean to be rude, but that is an understatement. I take seven minutes to walk to school everyday, which is 800m away (half a mile), and I walk fast. I do not think it is possible for Daniel to run twice as far, in the same amount of time, with a prosthetic leg and when he's out of practice. I therefore advise extending the duration from seven minutes to ten to twelve minutes - fifteen if you want to be absolutely sure.

The owl started hooting reiteratively. This time, Daniel was certain that it had adopted a sardonic tone.

One of the recurring issues I encounter in third person narration is that between this and that and now and then. This is one of the issues over which I have the most uncertainty, but I am relatively sure that the underlined should be that.

"Alright, alright!" Daniel said, irritated, and stepped out onto the road.

I suggest replacing Daniel with the pronoun he, as you have already named him in the previous paragraph.


Despite the minor points I have indicated, your chapter is still an excellent piece of work. May the next be more of the same!

I say the above not only because I enjoy reading your work, but because it brings me closer to earning my next star and KotGR-badge. In fact, as you are a Knight of the Green Room and I am as well, this review proves that we are now officially Fellows in Arms! This review has earned me my badge, and yours you earned when you reviewed "The Blood Bath" for the first time (which, by the way, made you the first person ever to review one of my works! :D ). Also know this: I have seen your plea to keep the stars, and, loyal and noble as I am ( ;) ), I shall oblige.

Rating for this text: four and a half stars (outstanding)




Wolfical says...


Yay! (I always feel like saying that after reading your reviews) Thank you, Knight Patronus! This review is a particularly helpful one, and I will take the time to fix everything you mentioned. I was about to explain why Daniel lived with his parents, but didn't. I figured that someone would question it, though, so if I don't explain the following in another chapter I will come back and put it in this chapter:
Spoiler! :
After his leg was amputated and he was unable to go down the military path, Daniel resumed college in Northern California and lived there in a dorm. He traveled back up to Oregon often to visit Beth (who attended an Oregon college) and at the time this takes place it is Christmas vacation so he is staying with his parents and spending his days with Beth. Maybe I could at least stick a Christmas tree in the house so that the reader at least knows that it's around that time

Thank you, my friend, for all your help. That's neat that we were each other's first reviewers! ;)



AstralHunter says...


I am pleased that my reviews are of use to you, my friend. As for Daniel's reason for staying with his parents, I think your suggestion works perfectly.

People often say that somebody's a wolf when they eat a lot, and in this case, it's true: I am hungry for more Ordadus! :D



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Sat Jun 14, 2014 6:49 pm
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Wolfie, Wolfare here for a review.

Oh my goodness. Must you tease us with such a short chapter? Haha, just kidding, but still, this is (as usual) very well written. Cannot wait for more. On to the review! (Each time I read through this, I always thought is said 'Daniel slapped on his jacket' rather than slipped xD)

It was dark; only a faint light shone...

This seems like an odd place to use a semicolon, and it tripped me up several times. It just seems a bit choppy. I would recommend to instead make it a compound sentence, such as:
"It was dark, since only a faint light shone..."
I feel this tiny change helps the flow a bit more.
Though explaining it may have assuaged their pain, Matthew’s visit was so unbelievable that they could have easily viewed the event as just a hallucination or a dream.

I don't really understand this sentence. (I totally didnt have to look up the meaning of assuaged <.<) If it was just thought to be a dream or hallucination, than wouldn't it just make it worse? It doesn't make sense to me that it would ease their sorrow even a little.

That's really all I could find. Nice job! Once again, you imagery was fantastic and I'm just in shock of how wonderfully written this is! I can't wait to see what'll happen next. I can't really recall who Bethany is, but I didn't really catch up on the last chapter before reading this one (since you took so long to get this out *glares*). Anyway, can't wait to see more! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




Wolfical says...


Thank you, Wolfare! I know... I took a really long time on such a short chapter, sorry!! I've been having a lot of end-of-the-year school projects so it was hard to fit in any time at all! Summer! Come! NOW!!!
Thank you for the two nitpick alerts. I will jump on them right away! Beth is Daniel's girlfriend. I haven't talked about her much at all so I understand why you forgot about her.
The next chapter shall arrive sooner! I promise!




Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis